In fact, now I come to think of it, do we decide questions, at all? We decide answers, no doubt: but surely the questions decide us? It is the dog, you know, that wags the tail—not the tail that wags the dog. – Lewis Carroll
It’s time once again for me to answer questions from readers; the first such column appeared on September 21st of last year, and we’ve been doing it every month since then!
What are your views on polygamy, polygyny, polyandry and the poly lifestyle in general? I ask because I am a polyamorist with two boyfriends and am quite a happy person. They are, of course, free to pursue other women, that’s just the way our dynamic is set up at the moment. Do you believe that it is acceptable that both men and women should enter into group relationships with free consent, or do you view these relationships as too susceptible to becoming coercive and therefore abusive environments?
My view on polyamory is that whatever works for any number of people is nobody else’s business, as long as they’re honest with one another. In my view, two boyfriends means thrice as much work, but if you enjoy it nobody has the right to tell you it’s “wrong” or unhealthy. And frankly, I think all the cultural brouhaha about “coercion” is doomed to vanish before much longer; everyone coerces everyone else to one degree or another, and unless the coercion is forcible, i.e, by threat of violence or other serious consequences, I can’t see where it’s the business of the state to interfere in it. What’s worse is the astonishing hypocrisy of “authorities” pontificating about coercion while dispatching armed thugs to enforce all of their own coercive demands by use of threats against life, liberty and property.
I have a question, I hope you don’t regard it too puerile. I think a lot of us men spend some time wondering about women’s preferences in regard to men; what I mean is, how big is big for a man, what is the real average and what look or type do most women really prefer? I mean, I know what porn suggests women vastly prefer, but I wonder how realistic that is.
I don’t think it’s puerile at all; after all, I did considerable obsessing about my flat-chestedness until I got my boob job, and that’s kinda-sorta the female equivalent of men worrying about penis size. On top of that, men tend to be much more quantitative than women are, and penises aren’t the only thing about which men tend to believe that “bigger is better”. Because I do recognize that this issue is an important one for men, I tackled it less than two months into my blog in my column of September 8th, 2010, and then again more briefly in my December Q & A column.
I’m a white girl who is very attracted to Asian men, and if I happen to mention this men of other ethnicities (especially white men) get completely, irrationally unhinged; it’s even happened with male friends whom I know only from internet forums. They have no vested interest in my life, possibly live hundreds or thousands of miles from me, and are frequently in committed relationships of their own. Yet, my mere mention of my preference sends them right over the edge. Once or twice, I’ve had female friends excoriate me because I’m not open to dating other ethnicities – like the equal opportunity laws should apply to my dating life as well. This is rare though, it’s usually males who have a real problem with my interracial dating preferences. What do you think this is about?
I think there are a couple of different things going on here. First, there’s still a lot of unconscious racism in people and many are uncomfortable with those who date or marry outside their race; they often won’t say anything to people of their own sex who do it, but they’ll attack members of the opposite sex. I think that’s due to vanity; they hate being told they haven’t even got a chance because of your preference, even if they weren’t interested or available anyway. I once had a short guy jump all over me for liking tall men; like your male friends, he only knew me on the internet and was happily married. And I’ve read a number of scathing opinions from black women about black men who date white women, even if the black men in question are celebrities and/or the women commenting are in committed relationships.
Your female friends, however, are a different story; I think that’s just a case of what my friend Philippa used to call the “enlightenment police”, the people who think their ideas about proper living need to apply to everyone else’s personal preferences. In that sense, they’re something like militant vegans or people who take it as a personal affront that I have no interest in watching Brokeback Mountain.
Some form of this question has been asked several times about several different columns: I enjoyed your column of (x date), but it was rather superficial and I wanted to know why you didn’t mention y?
Unlike most bloggers, I maintain a fairly tight column format; I publish every day, and with rare exceptions (higher or lower) every essay runs 750-1500 words (it was a bit higher when I started, but I eventually found this length most comfortable and, more importantly, sustainable). And even though some of my columns are only tangential to my primary subject, harlotry, I try not to wander too far afield. Because of both of these factors, length and scope, I’m often only able to give a cursory overview of a very broad and complex subject. I have faith in my readers, however, and I always encourage them to further exploration of any topic about which they’d like to know more than the mere introduction I’m able to provide herein.
One Year Ago Today
“Red Shoes Lady” tells the story of my relationship with my “little girl”, Denise; you’ll understand the title after reading it.
The authorette Maggie produces a tremendous amount of work on an almost daily basis. Her work reflects the intense research and critical thinking that we see in her columns. For those that carp about ” you didn’t talk about X”, my best guess response is to wait. At the rate she is going it will probably be in an upcoming tome. Or, maybe it really isn’t that important.
Interracial dating/marriage provokes the most anger in a person when it means that he/she is being rejected. Those same white men who are furious when the White girl tells them she prefers Asian men, probably don’t get anywhere near as angry at a White man who prefers Asian women. These people feel *entitled* to be considered sexy by anyone of the opposite sex and same race.
Do you think it works in reverse for all races? It seems that Black women get especially mad when Black men date/marry other races. However, I don’t see huge numbers of White women complaining when White men date/marry other races.
Tonja, yes, I do think people of both genders and all races are most likely to get angry at interracial dating when their own demographic is being rejected. However, the people most likely to be vocal or public about this are the ones who see that rejection of their own demographic happening more in their own environment. If you lived in California, you would definitely see both White women and Asian men angry about White men dating/marrying Asian women, because that’s such a common phenomenon there.
Marriage isn’t as common as dating or hooking up. I’ve heard more than one White male say that he wanted to get his “Asian experience” but not necessarily be open to marrying Asian women.
Yes, many people who are want an interracial experience want it only for a fling or temporary relationship, not a marriage. Many Black men see White women as good enough to screw but not good enough to marry. They want to live with and have children with Black women. 89 percent of married Black men in America are married to Black women.
I think with Black women (in the US, at least) part of the issue is that they live in a society where they have to look whiter to be considered attractive. Things like skin lightener and hair straightener are pushed on them (I actually saw coupons for these once as part of a Walgreen’s promotion to “Celebrate Black History Month”, which I thought was unreal); the female celebrities who are considered beautiful are the ones with lighter skin and more Caucasian facial features. Which would be enough to make a lot of Black women feel insecure about their Blackness – and seeing Black men appear to reject them for White women is only going to magnify that. There’s also the issue of a disproportionate number of young Black men dying or going to jail or being otherwise not really relationship material, so Black women who prefer dating within their own race (as a lot of people do) have a much more limited pool to choose from already, without that being compounded by Black men dating other races. For these reasons I would tend to cut Black women a bit more slack with this than I might for other people.
Marla, I think you’re right; that’s why I used the example of the short man. It seems people don’t like being pre-excluded by a condition like race or height they can’t help.
Tonja, the white women may not complain for fear of being branded “racist”; they certainly do bitch when a man expresses a preference for, say, big tits or youth which excludes them but isn’t based on race.
With tongue firmly placed in cheek: many can’t seem to help their personality either.
I think you might be right. Additionally, I recognize that being White is a hugely privileged position even when female. I imagine most White women don’t care as much about race because they are already part of the most powerful group. It’s no skin off their teeth, so to speak, especially when (and the numbers may be changing, but at least it used to be that) White men rarely marry outside their race.
I laughed when I read “youth” as an exclusive taste. You help me remember my biases. Admittedly, I’m a little squicked out by older men with youthful women. I understand why men would be attracted to a hot, tight, young thing, but boy howdy, he must lay out a lot of cash or one hell of a personality to want to shag saggy old man butt.
None of us can help what we’re squicked out by; the important thing is not to hold it against anyone.
Oh heavens no! Polyamory isn’t my cup of tea either, but I know several people who are in group marriages/committed relationships. Even though it weirds me out, I certainly don’t treat them badly or hold them in contempt simply because they have a different family structure than I do. I just try to think and talk about other things because I have no interest in their sex life – even if it was completely vanilla/monogamous.
In response to your question, I find polyamory beautiful. Why limit how many people we can love?
I don’t think polyamory is something I personally could do,* but I also find it beautiful.
There are songs, of course.
* Promiscuity I think I could manage (if I had more money or was more of a bad boy… ug), but that’s hardly the same.
Dear Sailor B, another reason for you not being as promiscuous as you’ve wanted is the mercenary BITCHES all over the place. They revel in the WONDERFUL (being sarcastic here) world system that says: if a man is disabled, ###*** him. Most likely he’s using the system, really CAN work, hasn’t tried several jobs, etc. Also, at least some disabled men are those ICKY 1’s who don’t look “right”, are deformed in some way, don’t speak right and can also have those scary (eyeroll) mental and/or emotional diseases. None of the stuff about using the system, not trying many jobs, etc. has ever applied in your case (not that it matters to these BITCHES). If a man doesn’t have a certain amount of $ in the bank, ###*** him. If a man doesn’t have a bunch of money to buy you material things, ###*** him. Don’t even have sex with him 1 time or have him as a sex only friend because of all of the above or even 1 thing I’ve listed above. You don’t want any part of that life! The only men who deserve even sex alone have to fit the standards of the WONDERFUL world system. I ask: What about what’s inside people and not what they HAVE? ###*** the world system.
I’m lucky to have you.
I’m lucky to have YOU! Thanks for the compliment and I give it back to you!
###*** the “bad boys”. 1 of the most wonderful things about you is you’ve never been 1 and don’t WANT to be 1. THANK YOU for that!
Polyamory is beautiful to me in a way also. Like Sailor B, though, I don’t think it would be my thing. This is 1 reason I’ve had sex ONLY friends. I’ve never felt love for more than 1 man at a time. Speaking of the part of me that thinks it’s beautiful, it’s another thing that comes in conflict with my religious beliefs. I think a lot of the time the conflict between what I call my “wildness” (even though I haven’t been “wild” in over 8 years for many reasons including religious 1’s) and my beliefs will never be resolved. In the Bible when it talks about the flesh being weak, I know 100% through my own experiences how true that is. I HAVE made SOME progress resolving some things in the sexual area with my beliefs, but not all of them. It’s very frustrating and it’s 1 of the “struggles” I have with God: that He made sex so wonderful, but told us Christians to limit it greatly. I can understand that on the surface (in my mind when I’m not in a sexy mood), but when I’m in a sexy mood…more aggravation! I can also understand it for reasons OUTSIDE of the Bible, but that conflict is always there. It’s like the struggle I have with why does God ULTIMATELY allow evil things to happen (especially murders?). Thanks for listening.
I can understand some preferences for a certain phenotype or another when looking for a partner. Melanin levels and diet do greatly affect the scent and taste of a person’s skin. I find Chinese men and women (at least the ones I’ve been with) absolutely delicious. Their skin tends to be soft as well. Likewise with the Japanese man I was with. I haven’t had sex with a Korean, or anybody from an Asian culture where they prefer a spicier diet, but I’ve lived as roommates with 2 Korean girls, and lived in a tiny apartment building with a Korean family. This allowed me to be close enough to discover that the Korean diet gave them a different scent from my Chinese lovers. Not bad, just different. My Korean roommate was beautiful. I would have dated her, but she was straight.
Smoking and drinking also change a person’s taste. I was with a native girl once who had a crappy diet and a drinking problem. She tasted godawful, even after a shower. I went to the doctor just to make sure she wasn’t hiding anything from me. I was clean. I figured it must have been all the beer she drank, because I’ve also been with 2 alcohol free native men and one drinker. The male drinker’s skin was saltier, too. The difference is less pronounced on a male, because the contact is external. Likewise with white people. There’s a range there, obviously. More body hair traps more sweat, hygiene, diet and health factor in, etc. Swedes are the sexiest, most hairless, clean living, sweet tasting white people I’ve had the joy of sitting on to date.
Greeks tend to have slightly greasy skin because of all the olive oil in their diet. I LOVE!!! a big fat Greek dinner party, but I avoid sleeping with them. Their culture rewards rough macho guys. They’re too rough in bed for my taste. And hairy. Body hair makes me itchy.
Black men tend to have a stronger, spicier personal scent. I like it on a man, as long as he keeps himself clean. The scent mixes well with some colognes that smell completely different on white guys. I find muscular Caribbean men extremely attractive. Unfortunately, most of them are awful to women, unless they’re 2nd or 3rd generation Canadians. I can’t speak for black Americans. That’s too large and diverse a group. I’ve met a few cute black Brits, tho. Love the accent. My Jamaican girlfriend took some work. Black girls look and feel so nice, I’d do it again, but I had a hard time with the taste.
I can’t deal with South Asian men. The smell of curry on skin makes me retch. I don’t even eat that stuff bc it stinks me out too. Yes, I remember my lessons on cultural relativism, and I can mind my manners in public (as long as the South Asian in question isn’t a screaming misogynist). But I can’t be intimate with anybody that smells like that. With ethnic groups whose cultural practices (namely misogyny) get my ire up, I find I can still relate well to the women. Some brown ladies are extremely pretty, with the doe eyes and the silky hair. I wouldn’t be opposed to checking out a Pakistani or Indian lady, if I could convince her to eat bland foods for a week first, or if she’s of a hyphenated ethnicity. I’ve also been hearing around Tehran-to (that’s the Persian part of Toronto) that there are large numbers of bi ladies around. I love Persian women.
So if your commenter has a preference, all the power to her. She must look like Sailor Moon. The Asians wouldn’t come near me after my 28th birthday bc I went up to a size 10 and developed a few laugh lines on my face. They tend to prefer petite, young looking women. I would urge her to enjoy her Asians while she still can.
That was fascinating! My experience isn’t sufficient to make such observations. 🙁
You should talk to the Travel Channel. Bet they don’t have balls to take you up on it.
I’m with you on the body hair. I once dated an Armenian guy; I was attracted mostly to his personality. The copious amounts of body hair was a pretty big turnoff though. It didn’t last long, though we remained great friends for many years after the dating part of our relationship evaporated.
On polyamory: I’m jealous!! I’m going through a fat phase and can’t even find one person to get me off right now! Of course it’s ok. Just use condoms and get checked every 6mos. to a year for diseases. Twice the testosterone, twice the likelihood of a cheating heart. And whatever you do, DON’T get pregnant. It’s all fun and games till somebody loses a paternity case. Then it’s a war.