Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. – Criswell
If the primary purpose of a movie is to entertain, it makes sense that a film can be “so bad it’s good”; some movies are just so incredibly, amazingly, jaw-droppingly bad that we can’t help finding them funny. So it’s not surprising that people are still watching the work of the late Edward D. Wood, Jr., arguably the worst filmmaker of all time. There are bad writers, bad directors and bad producers, but Wood managed to be outstandingly bad at all three: his scripts make no sense and are laden with ludicrous dialog and wholly illogical plots; his direction ranges from the incompetent to the incomprehensible, and his production values are practically nonexistent. Wood’s dedication to keeping costs down is exemplified by his commitment to exposing as little film as possible, and his employment of stock footage even when it was wholly inappropriate. And though it’s not unusual for directors to favor certain groups of actors, it is highly doubtful that any such regular cast was as completely devoid of talent as Wood’s stable, which often included the director himself.
The clip above is from Wood’s first full-length film, Glen or Glenda (1953), a semi-autobiographical piece in which Wood revealed his transvestism to the world. Like all Wood’s early work it gave a prominent role to the destitute, morphine-addicted Bela Lugosi, seen here as a narrator mumbling incomprehensible commentary of his own devising. Lugosi died just as Wood was about to start filming his magnum opus, Plan 9 From Outer Space, but the would-be auteur was undeterred; he incorporated silent screen tests of Lugosi into the movie and cast his wife’s chiropractor as a stand-in for the rest. The fact that the doctor looked nothing like the deceased horror icon was disguised by the simple expedient of having him walk around with his Dracula cape over his face. Plan 9 is certainly Wood’s best-known creation, and was probably responsible for the resurgence of interest in his work after it was named “Worst Film of All Time” in Harry & Michael Medved’s The Golden Turkey Awards (1980); however, it lacks one of Wood’s characteristic cinematic elements: lesbian bondage scenes, which appear in most of his movies from Glen or Glenda to Orgy of the Dead (1965):
Wood was only responsible for the script of this one, but it serves as a harbinger of his later work directing soft-core (and eventually hard-core) porn; in it, the “Emperor of the Dead” (Criswell) presides over a ceremony in which ten undead topless dancers perform in a graveyard. My cousin Alan and I rented it one Saturday afternoon in ’96, and this scene became a running joke for us; for years afterward he might suddenly hold up some random object and say, “And what is this?” To which I would reply, “A symbol, Master!” Anyone who hadn’t seen the flick probably thought we were complete morons, but that’s half the fun of a private joke.
I first discovered Wood’s oeuvre in high school, but I only recently found out that he also tried to break into television via several series pilots, all of which were thought lost until one of them was discovered in a private collection. Less than a year after filming Plan 9 Wood wrote, produced and directed “Final Curtain”, the pilot for a horror anthology series to be called Portraits of Terror. It’s as absurd, pretentious and just plain bad as anything Wood ever did, but is less than 23 minutes long; the star is Duke Moore and its narrator Dudley Manlove (both from Plan 9), but look for Wood himself (under a pseudonym) as the only other on-screen character.
Rod Serling it’s not, but if poor Wood hadn’t drank himself to death just two years before the renaissance of interest in his work, he might’ve at last found the fame he craved on the talk-show circuit, and perhaps even made a good living directing kitschy music videos in the 1980s.
I mainly know about Ed wood from the Tim Burton biography. I thought that Tim Burton had a lot of empathy for Ed Wood, recognizing him as a kindred spirit. Myself, I was somewhat interested in Vampira, who is pretty much responsible for the “Horror Movie Host” phenomena and who acted in Plan 9 among others.
Nowadays, I think people mainly think of Mystery Science Theater 3000 when they think of those “Horror Movie Host” shows, but they all owe their start to her. (Not surprisingly, they had a few Ed Wood films on MST3K.)
I started watching Final Curtain at home, but then I realized, “Home? I have no home. Cast out, despised, living like an ahnimal…”
Laura, I’d like to officially invite you to watch this with me. Saturday good for you?
And Maggie, thanks. I had no idea this even existed.
Dear Sailor B, yes, I’ll watch it! You got to the “Home? I have no home” thing before I did (I was going to post it on here). LOL. 1 of my favorite gifts from Sailor B is a “Plan 9 from Outer Space”, “Glen or Glenda” and “Bride of the Monster” housed in a case that’s covered with fake fur (like those angora sweaters Wood loved…lol). Thanks to PBS I became a Wood fan in high school. There’s 1 movie Sailor B and I have seen, though, that we think is worse than any Wood movie we’ve seen: “Manos the Hands of Fate”. It was done on MST3K and we both think that’s the only way to bear it…LOL.
My favorite part was when one of the robots shouted, “DO SOMETHING!”
My culture is defined by “So bad it’s good” like I said in that one argument, I’m more familiar with star trek from people mocking it and I’ve watched videos where people mock the Star Wars prequels that were longer than the movies.
Well, if any of you have time to spare, you can watch “The Flock” starring Richard Gere. I would say that it is definitely the worst movie I’ve ever seen.
If you’re masochistic enough to watch, do try to get it for free. Gotta be somewhere on the internet.
Regarding Orgy of the Dead, Ed Wood did everything but direct including stage help like holding up cue cards. The sheer awesomness of his anti-talent involved in this movie is revealed by the fact that they can make topless dancing boring. Though it is great to watch a clearly bombed Criswell shouting “Torture, torture! It pleasures me!,” Plan 9 will always be my favorite of his. “You See? You See? Your Stupid Minds! Stupid! Stupid!”
To this day Alan will sometimes shout, “Torture! Torture! It pleasures me!” In fact, he did it on the phone Monday night when I told him I was going to be posting this. BTB, the narrator of “Final Curtain” is the actor who delivered the “your stupid minds” line in Plan 9.
your cousin knows of your past?i wish i could tell my cousin about being a pso but i am afraid he wouldnt take it too well.if you dont mind my asking, how many of your family members know and how did you tell them?i think i can open up to my godfather,who is 32 and open minded but i dont know how i should tell him.
Oh, yes, he reads the blog and sometimes comments here as “Alan Hall”. I think his mother (also my cousin) knows as well, but we don’t talk about it. The only other family member who knows is one sister; none of the others talk to me so I don’t know what they know, if anything.
My mother would be uncomfortable talking about it, but she’s so firmly in the pro-Maggie camp that it doesn’t really enter into her feelings about you. Of course, beyond what you yourself have told me, I wasn’t involved in that particular part of your life, because those are the years during which, first, I returned to college, and, second, you moved out of state. I was heavily involved in the Period of Chaos just before and immediately following the divorce, which also included some other adventures you may discuss with your readers in the future.
True; really, the most you saw of my business was if Gilda was somehow unavailable and I had to answer the phone when we came out to play D&D on Saturdays.
your parents and other siblings dont know and yet they dont talk to you?my parents might be upset,but i dont think they would disown me.most of my extended family members,however wouldnt talk to me again,if they knew, but i wouldnt care.they are extremely shallow and etiquette minded anyway.they expect you to call them in holidays and birthdays,without them even be there for you for anything,just because your grandmothers brother married them,not to mention the ”complaints”to my mother because she let me wear a low cut top or an anklet.
My mother stopped talking to me when I became a stripper; I don’t know if she guesses I went on to anything else.
I know that Tracy’s older sister thinks it was awful that the youngest sister did stripping. Tracy herself was rather supportive, even going to the club to lend support. Tracy doesn’t LIKE it, and it’s something she should never do, but she was there for her little sister. I respect that.
The mother knows, but I’ve never heard her speak of it.
the ”symbol,master”line is really funny.as for lines or actions we act out mainly for fun, i have always had the fantasy of doing to a radical feminist what Tom Hanks does to his mother in law to be in the”bachelor party”film.he pays a male stripper ”Nick the dick”to serve her his penis placed in a hot dog bun in a tray at waist level and when she grabs it,she screams.
That Tom Hanks can do anything! Why, he could probably even dress in drag and call himself “Buffy” and make it funny. Maybe.
Mother in Law, “Is that a foot long?”
Nick, “And More!”
There is a whole movement dedicated to watching bad movies. I have an informal film club where we watch these ridiculous movies from time to time. Some of them are hilarious and others are just plan awful.
Try these two trailers:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBgpFENBIw0
“The prehistoric meets the prepubescent!”
Er, that doesn’t sound right.
Sailor, if anything made by Troma sounds right to you, seek professional help. Or a twelve pack and and some friends with a really sick sense of humor.
Good point.
Was it Troma who made the Vice Academy movies? I know they made The Toxic Avenger series.
No, but I can’t remember the director’s name off the top of my head. I do remember he was the guy who directed Hobgoblins, one of my farvorite MST3K subjects.
He also wrote novels…Death of a Transvestite, for one, if I’m remembering correctly.
I find Ed Wood wholly admirable. He wanted to make films, and he made them. He even made the films he wanted to make. He’s much more of an artist than the Medved brothers will ever be.
He wrote, produced, directed, and starred in movies. And yes, they were the movies he wanted to make. He also became famous and is talked about decades after his death.
How many of us can make such claims? Yes, there is much to admire in Edward D. Wood, Jr.
That they were terrible and he has an astonishing lack of talent of any kind says nothing about his ambition, his drive and his insane ability to see projects through that highschool seniors would leave in bonfires.
You have to admire that. For that reason alone, his corpus of work should be included in any archive of the achievements of American civilization in the 20th century.
That and the fact that people still watch them. Today. For fun and amusement.