Men will bear many things from a kept mistress, which they would not bear from a wife. – Samuel Richardson
A complex reader question which needed a complex answer:
I’m a highly-educated girl from a well-to-do background, with a blossoming artistic and academic career. I have absolutely no real economic need, but I have a fierce desire for financial independence and a sugar arrangement seems to me the best option. I’m not ashamed of it but I am deeply concerned about possible repercussions. On the one hand, I don’t care if people are shocked, but on the other I don’t want my loved ones hurt by gossip and slander, and I’m worried that I’d be denying myself a chance in highly public careers, lest my youthful ‘activities’ be outed. Worse still, I live in Asia – where norms governing sexuality are even more stifling than in the West. How did you deal with the judgment from family and peers, and how do you explain your job to people? On the practical side, would you advise against juggling more than one sugar daddy at a time? Are there terms and conditions I must look out for? How do I ensure that transactions are processed, that I’m legally protected, and that there are medical precautions beside testing, condoms & pills? Finally, the few friends I’ve talked to strongly advise me against being a sugar baby, and I’m concerned that I’ll lose my self-respect; do many sex workers face this inner conflict all the time? How do they resolve it? Can sex and love be completely divorced – even for a sex worker?
Sorry for asking so many questions, but I don’t know anyone else to ask; I sincerely believe that your advice immensely helps a hidden generation of young workers like me.
I don’t mind a lot of questions, but since there are so many please forgive me if I fail to cover any of your concerns! Let’s start with one caveat: I’ve never been a sugar baby per se; though I have had official boyfriends and husbands who supported me, it isn’t really the same thing because of the stigma against sugar arrangements. So the only advice I can give on the subject is via comparison with professionalized harlotry, or by what I’ve heard from friends. However, I’m sure I have some readers who have had bona fide sugar daddies, and they may add their own advice to mine so be sure you read the comment thread below.
Your first concern is a very real one: if you think you might want some sort of public career in the future, sex work of any kind presents a considerable risk to that plan. Even totally legal forms of sex work such as compensated dating carry a social stigma, which as you rightly observe can be powerful enough to derail a reputation even decades down the road. If you sugar-date under your own real name, it is an absolute certainty that the arrangement will come back to haunt you; even if you use a carefully-guarded alias and post no face-showing pictures on the internet there is a chance of later exposure. In my case, I wasn’t concerned about what strangers thought because I had no plans to ever return to a “straight” career; furthermore, I was estranged from my family, and prepared to lose the goodwill of any friend who could not accept my choices. So in my case, I could simply be honest about my career with friends, and had a plausible cover story for neighbors and casual acquaintances. But if you’re not prepared to risk that (and I certainly don’t blame you if you aren’t), maintaining a strictly-segregated double life is probably the only way…though of course that carries its own costs and risks. I suggest you read my essay “Coming Out”, which discusses the pros and cons at some length.
In answer to your second question, I don’t think it’s ever wise to bite off more than one can chew. Were I you I would start with only one patron at a time, get used to that, and then when and if you feel ready to juggle a second gentleman you can do so then rather than rushing into it now. I would be very clear with the patron on how many hours a week you’re willing to give him; that way if he later tries to overstep his bounds you can remind him that this was discussed at the outset. Other issues will certainly arise just as they do in other types of relationships, and just as in those cases you’ll have to deal with them as they appear and learn from your mistakes. As for the rest, I’m not entirely sure what you’re asking; in the absence of an ironclad written contract there is always “wriggle room” for both parties, so any legal issues, like time allotment, should be clearly discussed at the beginning. It might be a good idea to insist on payment in cash until you learn to trust your patron, but medical concerns are a different matter: those are present even in monogamous romantic relationships, so I would advise never letting your guard down on that front. Always use condoms, stay on the pill (or get an IUD) and discreetly check him for signs of disease every time you’re with him.
Finally, there’s the self-esteem issue, which I’m afraid nobody can answer for you. Some women never have any conflict about it; others feel so conflicted and “dirty” that they develop considerable guilt issues which can indeed create problems for them. If you start to feel that way, it’s best for everyone that you stop immediately no matter how much you’ll miss the extra money; it’s not worth damage to your psyche, and unhappy former sex workers are some of the worst menaces to the cause of sex worker rights. The vast majority of women are between those two extremes: because we’re all exposed to stupid, unhealthy social attitudes about sex it’s not always easy to shake them off, so some situations do lead to guilt or other bad feelings while others may be exactly the opposite. But that’s like anything else in life; considering that most women can manage to feel guilty about any number of things (food, personal choices, perceived selfishness, etc) it’s hardly realistic to expect that sex – whether romantic, recreational or commercial – would be wholly exempt. I can answer your last question very definitely, though: yes, love and sex can certainly be divorced. One simply has to recognize that sex is not a magical, sacred thing which is taboo outside of a sacrament, but rather an ordinary human activity which, like any other activity, can be used for whatever purpose one requires.
Since the line between mistress and sugar baby is a very fine one, perhaps treating the arrangement as being a mistress would be better, especially since mistresses are not at all rare in many Asian societies.
Neither “job” has a legal standing anyway, but a mistress can often be seen by society as a sympathetic character in the event it all becomes public, while an overtly sugar baby arrangement is more likely to be seen as purely mercenary and hence worthy of condemnation. In the future, if discovered and questioned by a potential employer, the word “love” can be tossed out to confuse matters.
Of course the financial and scheduling considerations should be the same in both cases.
The problem with “sugar babies” is … they don’t have the same moral code of honor that a good hooker has – and often lack the maturity too. They can out you to your wife if they decide they want something “more”. Part of a “negotiation” for a “sugar baby” arrangement might include a clause to forego condoms – I’ve heard of it being done. Then there are the guys who fall in “love” with them – and want something more but can’t get it.
The whole thing is just fraught with peril – enough to scare this “peril addicted” guy into staying away from them. I’d rather take my chances with just a normal girlfriend on the side than to resort to any “sugar baby” thing.
If your reader is convinced sex work is right for her, I would urge her to stay clear of “sugar” arrangements. However, if she is determined to be a sugar baby she needs to establish her needs and expectations up front.
In my years working as an escort I found myself in sugar relationships a couple of times. I allowed the affection I felt for some of my clients to cloud my judgment and I entered into these arrangements without first communicating my specific needs. With no rules established, I was often frustrated with my friends for not being generous enough. I hated being in the position of having to ask for funds, especially from men who were well aware of the rate I had previously received because they had paid it for years. Despite my constant feelings of resentment, I found myself becoming emotionally attached to these men.
Looking back, I understand that my lack of professionalism and unreasonable expectations are why my sugar relationships ended poorly. My older sister had several kind and very generous sugar daddies who seemed to read her mind. As a child, I observed these men shower her with gifts and I never once heard her ask for anything. Even though I was a professional, independent escort with strict rules and rates in place, I still believed that my sugar daddies would treat me exactly how my sister had been treated. I was so wrong. My affairs were full of drama and emotionally draining. If I had kept things strictly professional with my former sugar daddies, I have no doubt we would still be friends today, as I am with many former clients.
In the neo-Victorian novel The Crimson Petal and the White, the heroine is a streetwalker who is set up in a house in Marylebone, London. Her name? ‘Miss Sugar’.
A dear friend of mine gave me a book years ago called, “Shanghai Girls” by Lan Lan. I would suggest that she read it with a calloused eye. She’ll learn a few things.
As always, I adore your blog!
Sincerely,
Elisabeth
One thing that I enjoy about Maggie’s posts is her always topical illustrations. I generally learn new things and although I had heard of the Pre-Raphaelites, I’ve now got a better grasp of their esthetic. Thanks, Maggie.
I thought a “sugar baby” was simply another term for “mistress.” What’s the difference?
I’d like to know that too … although, if you look at the Wikipedia article for “Mistress” …
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mistress_(lover)
So there’s a pretty well understood and semi-rigid definition for a “Mistress”.
There is no wiki article for “sugar baby” so I think the term is more of an urban slang convention with a pretty “fluid” definition. I’ve seen some insist that true “sugar babies” are kept by only one man. Other’s suggest that a sugar baby can be supported by more than one man.
My own personal thoughts have always been … a “mistress” is someone who’s kept by a rich man. I make a good living – but there is no way I could divert the monetary assets to support a “mistress” without getting caught red handed. A “sugar baby” – to me, is someone who’s available to several men – or even more. And while a relationship with a mistress could last decades … a relationship with a “sugar baby” usually ends when she graduates college or no longer requires the income.
The only difference is whether the cost of being kept is discussed before the relationship is consummated.
I can only guess that you have to get the accommodation for a mistress, but a sugar baby has her own; and that you might be expected to help the baby with her homework.
I suggested once to Laura that I should marry her and Tracy both. Laura didn’t go for that. So I suggested that I should marry Laura and bring Tracy in as a concubine. Laura basically said that I should drop the “getting married” part if that’s what I want, and good luck getting Tracy to agree to it.
Three-way shacking up Laura was fine with, again assuming Tracy has a truly Damascene conversion.
I like having a girlfriend, I think I’d be fine with a wife. Hookers I could enjoy hiring if I could afford them. I certainly like nude dancers. A mistress… I don’t think so. A sugar baby? I could see it, in certain unlikely circumstances (again, being able to afford this is assumed in my speculation).