Ian Ironwood of The Red Pill Room writes:
I lurk at your site frequently, and love the way you write. My own blog deals with…marriage topics, and one of my most popular subjects is “girl game”. In these posts I try to explain to my female readers some of the psychology behind why and how men like to have sex, and what they can do to cater to it. Most of the time I’m actually explaining the usual “why men go see whores” meme in different ways, and I have had some good response to it. I’ve covered the GFE, the Happy Ending, and a couple of other professional go-to moves, but I was wondering if you had any further ideas in that direction. What were the common reasons men saw you when you practiced, and how could their wives have countered their decision to go to a pro by giving them what they wanted at home?
The three most common reasons married men see whores could be abbreviated as “She doesn’t”, “She won’t” and “She isn’t”. The first is wholly in the woman’s court, the last wholly in the man’s, and the second somewhere in between. “She doesn’t” means the wife just doesn’t provide enough sex, or that the sex she provides is so lackluster it isn’t satisfying to the husband. “She won’t” means the wife won’t do something the husband really yearns for, whether that be a particular activity (such as oral sex) or a mode of behavior (such as role-play or just being enthusiastic). “She isn’t” means the wife is simply no longer sufficient for the husband’s desire no matter what she does; either age or weight has made her unattractive to him, or he can’t see her as sexual after having kids due to a bad case of the Madonna/whore duality, or he has a strong need for variety. “She doesn’t” and most “She won’t” are completely under the wife’s control; giving one’s husband the kind of good, enthusiastic sex he craves will go a long way toward sapping his desire to see whores. If the man’s desire is for something the woman actually can’t provide (such as an energetic PSE when she’s over 50 and no longer athletic), a frank discussion of alternatives which might do the trick is in order; if it’s something for which she has a visceral repulsion (such as cross-dressing), he may not even dare to mention it to her and then, obviously, it moves into “She isn’t”.
By definition, there is less a woman can do to circumvent “She isn’t” issues, unless they’re purely dependent on something like her weight. That’s quite rare despite what you might think; I can’t recall very many cases of a man telling me that his wife was still very interested in sex, but that she was so fat or old or whatever that he couldn’t get interested. Though some feminists like to rant about male shallowness in this regard, the truth is that in the overwhelming majority of cases it’s a wife’s attitude and behavior which turn her husband off rather than her physical appearance (though obviously, if she pointedly insists that she doesn’t care about her appearance it says a lot about her attitude, no?) The need for variety is a tough one, but not insurmountable; if a wife comes up with ways to spice things up (or even just responds favorably to her husband’s ideas) his hindbrain can often be tricked into perceiving her as different, and therefore satisfying to his need for variety. If that’s not enough, there are couple calls and wife swapping, which allow the husband to satisfy his craving for “strange” under controlled conditions rather than acting behind the wife’s back. Of course, if it’s the illicit nature of trysts with hookers which turns him on, that’s going to present a problem; if he craves sneaking around behind his wife’s back, he’s not likely to be satisfied with activities she attends, arranges or even simply condones. The same could be said of the Madonna/whore issue, which might require some kind of counseling to help him get over it. Still, those represent a very small minority of cases; most of the time, an attentive and caring wife can keep her husband from straying by simply taking her own responsibilities seriously, and by helping him to do the same for his.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
I remember the Ryan Gosling character in the movie called “Blue Valentine” stating that men are more romantic than women. There may be truth to this. Many men look at their wives even when they are old and ugly to say that their wives are the most beautiful creatures in the world. Married men are like single men who visit prostitutes in that the majority of them visit whores because there was no other outlet for them to get all the sex they wanted. I believe the next highest percentage of men be they single or married wanted kinds of sex the wife or girlfriend or friend with benefits wasn’t willing to give such as oral sex. I knew a young woman in her twenties who said that. The young man next to me told her that her marriage would fail which later it did fail. I told her that even in my forties it is not acceptable even in my generation for most people not to perform oral sex on their long term sex partner especially in marriage. I also told her that if I were her husband, and she refused to perform oral sex on me that I would refuse to perform oral sex on her and that she a woman would lose out on more than me as a man. I remember Maggie McNeill in one of her early articles saying that most married men may be clueless on how to make their wives happy yet they wanted to make their wives happy, but that a higher percentage of women didn’t care if they made their husbands happy or not and were selfish.
Are there wives out there who don’t like to perform oral sex? Hell, this is a “no miss” target for me – every girl I’ve ever dated gave me oral on the first iteration of sex. Well, except my wife, and that was my fault. See – I had this idea back then that you never make a pass at a woman until the third date. On the second date – she made a pass at me! So I tried to limit that to just heavy petting – which turned out … we got so hot we bypassed everything else and went right for the sex after about two hours of groping and kissing on her couch.
So yeah – where are all these women who dislike oral sex? I think men make this up – they must be making it up. Now – CIM … yeah not every girl I’ve been with wanted to do that. Some considered it a high art and believed that they could capture any man with their enthusiastic desire for CIM (and those women ARE right – it will hook a man every time I think – at least for a period of time until something goes wrong with the relationship.
CIM, ahh the pain, the sadness, the drama and fallout caused by the wayward husband that can not get his needs met in his marriage… because it tastes bad.
I can only speak for myself and the many other men that I have discussed this with, but I would like to encourage every wife who is not willing to give her husband orgasms through oral sex, to let Google teach you how to address the barriers you may feel about this. If you study, practice, ask, and get enthusiastic about this specific issue, the return on investment will be HUGE!!!!! 1. he will not spend money on Maggie’s friends. 2. He will follow you around the house asking what chores need to be done for DAYS, 3. He will listen, 4. He will be very attentive to your sexuality that evening and last much longer, I promise you the 10 minutes of sincerity in this way will meet a huge need of his. NOT to CIM, but to be desire by his wife. If you give him a BJ but don’t finish him because it tastes bad or you don’t like the texture or most of the other reasons feels insincere. Think about it, “Darling, I want to meet your needs, but I don’t like how it tastes. So your just going to have to live without it.” is easily drowned out by Maggie’s friends saying, “Of course I will do that, because it is what you want.” Man speak translation. ” I don’t really care enough” , and ” We can make a fair arrangement to pretend together, and I am very good at making you feel like I desire you.”
If you don’t think your any good, or your not ready for CIM, then start your education. Let Mr. Google give you some suggestions. Just the effort will speak volumes to your man. CIM has been said to be an acquired taste so if you don’t desire it, you will not acquire it. So simply decide what you want. A great looking lawn resulting from your husbands undying appreciation and devoted satisfaction, or to avoid the taste.
Sincerely,
Desperately seeking CIM
Krulac
Believe it or not, all of us were in the Army at the time deployed to Afghanistan when this took place. Her husband was in Iraq. Not long after we returned home, she filed for divorce. She was commiting adultery and didn’t get caught which is a good thing for her because as you know as a retired upper level Non Comisioned Officer for the Navy, adultery is against the Uniform Code of Military Justice.
Excellent description! Your articles are always an inspiration. I’d just like to add one thing about the last paragraph: some men desire variety or illicit nature or have such strong complexes about the matter that even the wife keeping herself thin, kind and attractive won’t help.
If that is already the case, it is probably too late. But as a matter of foresight, women should make every effort to stay away from these types or, in other words, not choose men based on fame, preselection or dark triad traits. If a guy is like Charlie Sheen, he just can’t be “fixed” into monogamy. It’s not her, it’s him. Sadly, I know quite a few women who are now very bitter over the fact that they “did everything right” and ruined it all by choosing an impulse-driven bad boy because he appealed to them at the time.
At the negative end of the spectrum, it means criminals, thugs, players and similar types. At the positive end, it means creme de la creme – successful / wealthy / handsome but amoral and uncontrollable men, like Don Draper from Mad Men. No matter how benevolent he tries to be, he always leaves broken hearts around. Like the scorpion from the fable, it’s just in his nature.
If monogamy is the pinnacle of what a woman wants – then she should look for a man … most likely a beta male … to pair with. She should find someone capable of monogamy.
However, don’t you find it pretty telling that a lot of great and famous men … a lot of “Type A’s” who are driven and successful are also some of the worst philanderers?
See – I don’t think Charlie Sheen has a problem with women – and I think his wife was willing to allow him to see all those women. I don’t think Tiger Wood had a problem with his women either – but his wife damn sure did.
It’s all in what a woman is looking for. If she’s looking for someone who’s a driven Type A Alpha Male – then she may want to look beyond her husband’s transgressions – or, better yet – help direct him that area to appropriate women.
I think a middle ground on that is that women have to be secure about their husbands. If the woman gets bent out of shape every time the husband even looks at another woman, let alone talks to her, then that will cause issues, too, no matter how good she is in bed. You want to drive a man to find other avenues? Accuse him of cheating twenty times when he’s done nothing. Eventually, he’s going to throw his hands in the air, and have some fun, figuring he’s going to get accused of it anyway.
My wife gives me as much as I want, as many ways as is practicable, and doesn’t flip if I talk to other females. She knows I know where home is and what’s waiting for me.
Her rules on other women are simple: I can talk to them, I can look at them, I can flirt to a point, and I can *think* about what I’d like to do with them, but, if I want some pussy, it’s time to come home. 😀
Oh, and same goes for men. Don’t be a jealous asshole. It won’t get you anywhere but unhappy.
This was really straightforward and yet empathetic. Thanks for taking a moment to help wives and marriages. That’s really cool.
Here’s how I always experienced it – a bit differently from this post and discussion.
First, I always desired lots of different women, and lusted after many.
Second, falling in love with a particular woman didn’t change that.
BUT, being in love put a “higher cognitive level” restraint on my lust-seeking behavior, so that it stopped me chasing skirt.
…..so….when the love stopped, when it seemed my life no longer loved me, when there was nothing of transcendent value that was being diminished by cheating, then the restraints broke down (and I’d see a whore).
It’s not just about sex. It’s about the interaction of sex and desire with other values, such as love. When the love goes, the urge to stray is no longer tamed.
Very true. I respect my wife’s rules not only because of the sex, but all the other things she represents. She doesn’t take away my urges and impulses towards other women, she just changes what I do with them.
In addition to “doesn’t, won’t and isn’t” … there’s “cannot”.
Which is where my wife is, due to chronic, permanent, hormonal deficiencies.
Affection and support in the marriage? Yes.
Sex. Zero.
I said it some time back, and I can’t say anything better here than I did there.
So yeah, give your husband or boyfriend some variety, try new things, etc. But if there’s something that he really, really wants, and you just can’t or won’t do it, something you find really gross or so silly you can’t stop laughing, maybe it’s time to see if the household budget will allow an escort.
And again, I didn’t get the quote feature to work right.