Soon after the publication of September’s guest column, blogger and regular reader Sasha Castel suggested that I do an essay on my beauty hints. But as I told her, that wouldn’t be much of a column because I honestly don’t have any other than “be scrupulously clean, wear your hair in an attractive style and pick clothes that flatter your figure and express your own personal style.” I know I’m very lucky in this respect, but I have excellent natural color so I don’t really require makeup unless I’m really dressing up; when I was working I never wore it unless the client was taking me out. And my hair…well, let’s just say it does what it likes anyhow and I’ve learned to live with that over the past 30 years. However, I suggested that SHE could write a beauty hints guest column…only she’s never been an escort, though she has been a mistress. Is that a kind of sex worker? Some say yes, some emphatically say no, and once again we see the absurdity of trying to draw arbitrary lines between natural female behaviors. Here’s her essay on how to be a good mistress…which not only serves as a worthy sequel to “Keep Doing What You’re Doing“, but also provides excellent advice for a courtesan, an escort with a treasured regular, or even (to a large degree) a wife whose husband fully supports her as mine does. So…what’s the real, substantive difference between these roles again? Why are some legal and some illegal? And how can any rational adult pretend that one is commendable, another is tolerable but the other constitutes “enslavement” or “crime”?
I didn’t set out to become a mistress. I met the man in question (I’ll call him Carlos) in the course of my job. He was well-known, one of the most recognized and praised opera singers in the world. We spoke, liked each other, and went out to dinner. Shortly thereafter, we went to bed, and I became “The Other Woman”. I didn’t want to marry Carlos, just enjoy his company while he was in town. He favored me with meals, drinks, occasional gifts, and most importantly, knowledge and wisdom. I learned a great deal about the music business from him, which served me well in my career. I also learned about being a mistress. Unfortunately, I can’t give advice on how to find a man (on both occasions that I’ve been a mistress, it just happened), although it behooves you to appear nicely dressed and groomed if you’re in the market. But if you do become someone’s mistress, here are seven guidelines that will make the affair a good one, for you and for him.
1. Be available.
If he calls you, go to him. In this situation, your needs are subordinate to his. What a terribly retrograde statement, but true. He is providing the material goods while you are providing the companionship; you can’t do that from a distance. Be with him as often as he wants you to be; if this doesn’t sit well with you, reconsider your position. If it’s a position of equality you want, become someone’s girlfriend rather than a mistress.
2. Be discreet.
Resist the temptation to blab to friends about your hot and powerful new lover. You don’t want to become the object of gossip, and you don’t want to cause problems with his marriage. Use a pseudonym when referring to your dates, and also when storing his number in your mobile phone. Avoid being photographed together. If you wear perfume, apply it with discretion or forego it altogether to avoid olfactory traces left behind. Be certain that all the jewelry and accessories you arrived with are with you as you leave. If you attend events together, and someone introduces you as “Mrs. Carlos”, don’t contradict, just smile and say “how do you do”.
3. Be safe.
Birth control is mandatory, obviously. The Pill or other hormonal methods are best. If you need to take other drugs while on the Pill (especially antibiotics) be aware that they reduce the Pill’s effectiveness, sometimes to catastrophic effect. Make certain you have a clean bill of sexual health before commencing sex; you don’t want to give him (or his wife) an STI. If you are having other sexual relationships at the same time (not recommended), be sure to use a condom, correctly and regularly, to prevent disease transmission. Understand that some STIs like herpes and HPV can still be transmitted through genital contact without penetration.
4. Be fun.
Get into his interests, or take up one of his hobbies, so you can have dates without necessarily involving sex. He’ll be pleased at your enthusiasm, and it takes away some of the pressure on him to perform like a sexual Superman at every encounter.
5. Be caring.
If he doesn’t want to go out, stay in. If he’s sick, take care of him. If he’s craving a food, cook it for him. And above all, LISTEN. I think that just as much as sex, what I provided for Carlos was a sympathetic ear to unburden himself. I listened. In fact, if I were to name the number-one most important quality in a mistress, it would be the ability to listen. Listen to your man, try and understand his problems, offer solutions if they occur to you, but mostly just allow him to speak his mind in a way that he can’t do with his wife. Your empathy and perspective will be as valuable to him as your sexual talents, perhaps more.
Of course, this is the crux of the matter. If he wants to play, do it. He may have secret kinks he’s not comfortable sharing with his wife; indulge them. Does he want to role-play? Tie you up? Have a threesome? Be spanked? If it can be done safely and doesn’t repulse you or harm you, make his fantasies come true. Naturally, the usual rules of sex play apply: sane, safe and consensual. The only fantasy I’d hesitate to enact is any sort of public sex fetish, for purely practical reasons; exposure is not at all sexy.
7. Be realistic.
When it’s over, it’s over. Don’t try to hang on past the affair’s natural life. Enjoy what you had and move on. For the love of all that’s holy, don’t threaten him with exposure if he doesn’t continue seeing you. That’s psycho behavior, and it won’t make him like you: it will have quite the opposite effect. Keep the memories happy, and let him smile privately whenever he thinks of you.
[…] is my guest essay for The Honest Courtesan, on being a good and memorable […]
I have a bungling Male question;
I am told that there exist societies where a husband of a certain social rank is expected to have a mistress. His wife will know, and probably pays the bills. She may encourage him, to get him out of the house (which is her domain). Supposedly this happens in both Japan and South and Central America. Have you run into it? Does this exist?
I was a man’s mistress for a short time in my late teens. His wife and I were friends, she encouraged the relationship and in fact she once asked if I had any idea who else he might be sleeping with that she didn’t know about.
Whoa!
I think someone talked about that here. The wife is “paying the bills” because she’s the one who handles the account. The husband is still the one who makes the money flowing into the account, so he’s really the one paying, though he can’t buy anything without his wife’s knowledge.
You can buy whatever you want as long as you know how to “launder” the cash beforehand.
Thought I read somewhere that Yoko Ono actually hired May Pang as a sexual companion for John Lennon – but apparently John fucked up and fell for May – which caused a breakup with Yoko around the time he recorded “Walls And Bridges”. I thought WAB was his best solo album – probably because Yoko had so little to do with it. Yoko sure knew how completely fuck a good song that avant guard bullshit of hers.
Thailand. They have a tradition of minor wives over there.
cpschofield
Yes, in a number of the listed countries/regions you stated but it also includes most of the world except in protestant countries which are influenced most by the romantic ideal and also ”militant” feminism.
There are mainly 2 types but the men who are able to have them usualty would be in top 5% of their respective fields and mutual respect is required which fundamentally means do not flaunt in front of close inner circle.
One type is more permanent, while the other is more flavour of the week/month type.
The only place which is flaunted and different sets of problems arise is the polygamous ones which are normally religiously sanctioned.
Even for those, the stated official numbers allowed are in the majority more than that.
Hope this helps
What amazes me the MOST about this column is how WIVES have no idea about these tips. Most men(that already want to be faithful) would RUN home from their jobs every day if they could count on a wife to act this way.
It is indeed a sad state of affairs, RPSMF. Unfortunately many women who are slaves to neofeminism believe that behaving in the way I’ve described above is tantamount to being a slave. They are so self-centered that the thought of doing something selfless for the person they allegedly “love” makes them feel as though they are submitting to the patriarchy.
If you are a married woman, try implementing 1,4,5 and 6 and see if your marriage doesn’t VASTLY improve. I won’t report you, promise. 😉
Welcome to the reader & guest blogger club, Sasha! 😀
Numbers 7 & 3 are where lesser (or inexperienced) mistresses fuck up the most, creating the drama we all read about.
Thanks Aspasia!
Yeah, I feel that every mistress-to-be should watch “Crimes and Misdemeanors” and then do the opposite of everything that Anjelica Huston’s character does. 😉
Great article, Sasha – I’m filing this for when I become a rock star to give to all my feline muses.
Question though – it looks like unsafe sex might be a part of the menu. Isn’t that a problem when you’re sleeping with a guy who’s sleeping around possibly? I mean – other girls are gonna chase him – then there’s the issue of his wife’s sexual conduct.
Protect yourself is rule number one. If you have the slightest inkling that he might have other mistresses, use a condom.
” 1 . Be available.”
Is this the way to “end demand”? And, simultaneously, why “end demand” is impossible? And does it work both ways?
Welcome to the blog, Sasha!
Thank you 🙂
Listen to your man, try and understand his problems, offer solutions if they occur to you, but mostly just allow him to speak his mind in a way that he can’t do with his wife.
If a man cannot be honest with his wife – certainly less than he would be with a mistress, a prostitute or even a platonic friend – then can marriage really be considered to be a relationship based on emotional intimacy?
Marriage is not, and never has been, “based” on emotional intimacy; it’s an economic relationship. It’s very nice if emotional intimacy is part of it, but that’s not the defining characteristic no matter what misguided moderns think.
Of course, you know that and have said it often enough; like your comment on July 16th, 2011, which was about as clear as it is possible to get.
I was wondering if there is anyone here that would go along with the popular delusion.
What she said. 😉
If men had perfect emotional/physical/mental/spiritual intimacy with their wives, mistresses wouldn’t be necessary and this whole discussion would be academic.
We don’t because – we don’t want to fuck up the relationship.
I’m honest with my wife about everything except sex. I’m not going to tell her my weird fantasies – the woman thinks I’m Clark Kent – Superman! Well I am the latter (but not the former).
I know exactly what I can tell her – I’ve fed her “pieces” here and there – probing her sensibilities. I can tell when I’m getting into something uncomfortable for her.
I think I slapped her ass one time during sex – real light – just to test. And man, she got pretty pissed. She’s submissive – but not that way – she likes me to take charge but not tie her up and shit.
That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the fuck out of sex with her. I do … she REALLY is my “ATF”. Really – the sex is better with her than anyone.
Only reason (now) that I see other girls is because they are DIFFERENT than her – not really better (overall anyway). Yes, it’s true – I can be more honest with my “other” ATF than with my wife about things involving sex. I can tell my ATF … “Well, I’m into these impregnation fantasies – so can you play that up?” – and she just laughs and says … “no problem”. Certainly my fantasies are LIGHTWEIGHT compared to some stuff she’s had to fulfill from other men.
But if I tell my wife … “Hey lets go make a baby” … well, she’ll shoot back … “Oh boy – you really know how to KILL the mood don’t you?” LOL
Okay that fucked me up a little. I don’t think I could live with a chick that I didn’t like just for economic reasons.
In fact – I once passed on a “contract marriage” which junior Sailors used to use to get housing off base. A Canadian Nurse was “trafficked” into Hawaii – she wanted a green card – I wanted an apartment – the plan was to get married and get the Navy to pay for the apartment. This was after Michelle, my provider girlfriend left me – at a point in time where I was the most cynical guy in the world toward love.
But in any case – I met the chick. She was fat – and had a BIG LOUD MOUTH that never fucking stopped running. I passed on that! I could not see me living in the same apartment with that girl – even if we weren’t fucking.
And you know – if she was unattractive to me – she was a bowowowowowow!
Oh boy! Yeah.
I briefly considered entering into a green-card marriage, for a guy who wanted to stay in the USA after his student visa ran out.
The kicker? I was MADLY in lust with him. I would have done it if he’d asked me to.
Shudder to think how that would have turned out.
[…] clear-eyed and witty Sasha Castel offers the ladies some guidelines on how to be a good mistress. Why don’t more women know how to play the […]
Or wife, perhaps. Certainly it’s important to know what sort of relationship you’re getting into, and if that’s what you want.