Before my divorce I was at a very bad stage in my life. While going through that, I became emotionally involved with one of my business contacts; after we had sex he became kind of distant and doesn’t talk to me as much. I love him so very much, and he made me feel like a worthwhile person at a time I was so low I didn’t want to go on any longer. I don’t want to steal him from his family because I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone; I just want to be his mistress. Is there any way to keep him interested?
The reason I advise married men to only cheat on their wives with professionals is that other women fall in love much too easily, as you have done. There is no magic formula for winning a man’s heart; women have been looking for this since the beginning of time and it simply doesn’t exist. A married man may have an affair with you, but the chances of him leaving his wife and family for you is essentially nil; I know you love this man, but it seems pretty obvious to me that he lost interest in you as soon as he got the sex he wanted. I can also predict with confidence that the more you demonstrate your love, the further he’ll distance himself because he doesn’t want a divorce. I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to leave off pursuing him; if you continue it will surely result in pain for everyone involved. I also know that you feel very lonely right now, but you must learn to live with yourself before getting into a new relationship; after my first husband left me, I was alone for six years before becoming involved again. Oh, I had commercial sex with men and casual sex with women (and a very few men), but I kept everyone at arms’ length because I knew I was not yet ready for a relationship. We like to imagine that a romantic partner can “complete” us, can fill up gaps in our own personalities like jigsaw puzzle pieces fitting together, but the fact of the matter is that two broken people nearly always create a broken relationship. I’m not telling you that both parties have to be in perfect mental health; if that were true, I could probably fit every healthy couple in the whole world in this room. But what I am telling you is that you can’t use another person to “patch” whatever’s wrong with you; he can help you with problems, but the hard work of psychic self-repair is still your own responsibility. It won’t be easy to be by yourself, but I think it’s imperative for the time being. Seek professional help (and/or the help of friends you aren’t having sex with) in dealing with whatever caused that “bad stage”, and once you’ve begun to heal then you can open your heart up again to the possibility of a new relationship with someone who isn’t already taken.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
OMG! Your “six year” statement strikes a real chord with me! After my divorce, I committed to a year of celibacy out of fear of being in a relationship “on the rebound.” Imagine, me a passionate man actually had a woman ask me out in this time frame and I stuck to it, to my own surprise. My “guy friends” made fun of me over this, but I knew in my heart that I was doing the right thing. Thanks for this bit of confirmation, Maggie!
It’s not always necessary; some very strong relationships can come in close proximity to one another. But when a person has the sense that it is necessary, that feeling is best followed.
Excellent advice. And hard to get too, because you are telling people what they need to hear, not what they want to hear or what would ease their feelings.
Maggie, it’s very kind of you to compose this thoughtful and sensible reply to this woman. If I thought there were a God I’d say, God bless you!
Thank you. When people reach out to me and trust me, I feel it’s my responsibility to give them the best advice I can.
so much of society is based on the “single is broken” model. Some people are simply better off being single. It is an epiphany which can change peoples lives. I had a history of sabotaging most romantic relationships I had been involved in. Once I was aware of what I was doing the realization took a load of expectations off my shoulder and made me happier by accepting that I was not broken by being single but that I became broken trying to fit myself into relationships I had no right being in
I agree whole heartedly with Ms. Maggie on this one. She nailed it.
Good advice again. My thought, when I saw the link on Twitter, as it has relevance in my life these days:
The converse of this is also true: You cannot fix someone’s emotional problems for them; they have to do the heavy lifting themselves, though you can be there for emotional and mental support and such-like. This can be a difficult thing for people with the “fix-it” chromosome to handle sometimes.