Though sex workers usually have stage names which are different from those our mothers gave us (or burdened us with, as the case may be), those of us who are activists often have another name. Ayna is a Seattle sex worker, but that’s not the name on her advertising; you’ll see why when you read this essay. It struck me as timely given that when I reminded readers of my bisexuality by announcing my lesbian relationship with Jae, at least one reader felt repelled enough to voice his disapproval; I’m sure there are clients who would react in much the same way.
I have a good twin. Although we are not related we are similar enough in style, looks and interest that people often get us confused. We are both writers who are short, curvy, bespectacled, curly-haired, queer gamer girls who laugh out loud and spill beer everywhere. I want her hair; not in some weird hirsute Freudian way, but in a lusty “Rebel Girl” way.
I envy and covet her side shave immensely; side shaves in Seattle are code for queerness. I become sexually aware in a repressed state adjacent to Washington, so my nascent entrances into queer culture were formed with hidden meanings and slow looks. My brain goes into Sherlock mode when checking women out – key ring check, side shave check, reusable tote from co-op check – Code Level Purple – flirt is a go. I still tend to to seek out queer symbols and codes in order to safety flirt with other women, and I envy her side shave because I have long, healthy, flowing, dark, curly hair. I want her side shave so when I go into the queer spaces which have been my home for so long, I feel like I belong.
I envy my friend’s side shave because she has a job were it is okay to be openly queer, and even though I love doing sex work, it is one of the last places a female-identified person cannot be openly queer. I still have to pass as a non-queer person to the majority of my white, male, mid-40s customer base; I can’t freak out the normal majority. Plus, men love my hair; they caress it, run their fingers through it, seek me out because of it. I give good hair. We are socially groomed to believe that long hair is the same thing as feminine, and in the type of sex work I do (mid tier escort), the equation is feminine = attractive = money. A non-sex worker has more freedom in doing what she wants with her body in the world place whereas sex workers do not. A sex worker’s image, in order to gain the most money from the most clients, must be built, maintained and curated for the gratification of the normative male gaze; if I were to change my hair to a “queer” style (such as a side shave) I would lose money, since I would lose the male gaze. I would be seen as a “feminist” (heaven forbid), not the (semi) complacent sex bunny that the majority of my clients open their wallets for.
I often ask for two hours notice before seeing visitors to my place; I let people believe this is so I can get ready. But since I wear very little makeup and routinely clean my house, the “getting ready” part takes thirty minutes; what takes the rest of the time is what I call the “Queer Roundup”. Allison Moon’s Girl Sex 101 quickly hid under the couch, flyers from Insert Coin (a fabulous queer dance party), tossed in the kitchen drawer, “Fuck Your Patriarchal Bullshit” pillow thrown in the closet. I have to literally “straighten” my place up. If my queerness is seen, my femininity/straightness is called into question; the idea that a femme presenting person can be queer is a bit beyond the scope of most people. If there is any question that I am enjoying myself or am off the center mark for bisexual providers (bi enough to do duos for male pleasure, but not enough to actually seek women out), then not only is my sexuality under scrutiny, my business ethics are as well. This scrutiny comes into play via social mores built by hobby boards/escort review boards.
Escort review boards prize the idea of the “authentic” GFE (Girl Friend Experience); there is a constant conversation/argument about who and what is or isn’t. Rumors abound of lesbian sex workers and how awful they are by lying to men for money; they are bogeyman stories to scare sex workers into behaving in an acceptable manner. Men like to believe that sex workers are all natural nymphs and would fuck them regardless of money; this frees them from class guilt, the stigma of paying for sex and other emotions that might accompany seeing a sex worker. And this happy lie is fed to them in sex worker ad content, promotion and branding. They believe in this lie so intensely that it becomes cultural truth. While we accept that sex workers exist outside of cultural norms, they can not exist outside of client-created normative ideals; if I have a client over to my house and it is is covered in rainbow stickers and Queer Liberation posters, and Feeldoes are drying in the dish drain, this happy lie becomes an ugly truth. And if there’s one thing that the majority of “hobbyists” don’t like, it’s the truth.
I’m not sure why a queer girl would need to be looking out for all of that code or developing lezdar or something. I mean, aren’t virtually all women queer? So a random choice is more likely than not to be a good one (assuming you hit it off as people of course).
Or is that just most of my girlfriends?
Could it be my long hair?
Just another example of narrowminded cultural norms to which all women are subjected and another reason I remain a feminists. Hardly surprising female sex workers are exceptions.
Susan – Its not cultural norms. It is called sexual selection. I don’t know why so many feminists deny basic evolutionary biology.
The “cultural norm” that is causing her problem is that lesbians won’t pay for sex
This might be a regional thing, but I always though bisexual escorts were quite attractive to most clients. Many clients dream of a good duo of two ”compatible” escorts. Even in porn, lesbian scenes are quite popular. I saw in a Canadian study that reported about 40% of sex workers identify as lesbians.
A sex worker I once lived with explained her lesbianism thusly:
“Well, do you think a long haul truck driver would come home, eat his dinner, then take the truck out for a spin just for fun?”
Ah, ah, that’s why I don’t want to be a gynecologist…
As a client who has seen escorts on a regular basis since my divorce 6 years ago, I am under no illusion that the women I see would have sex with me for free. I see escorts as an escape from my day to day life and lose myself in a fantasy from anywhere to an hour or even a weekend. Part of the reason I see escorts is because I don’t have to feel guilty about not calling the next day as I would if I see amateurs.
She makes a lot of assumptions in the last paragraph.
I am really baffled by this portion of her post:
“If there is any question that I am enjoying myself or am off the center mark for bisexual providers (bi enough to do duos for male pleasure, but not enough to actually seek women out), then not only is my sexuality under scrutiny, my business ethics are as well.”
I can’t speak for other clients, but I am not turned on by women who are bisexual and would seek other women out for their own pleasure. I find an authentically bi woman in a 3 some much more than I would with a provider who is “gay for pay.” I am turned on by women who really into each other.
This post of hers has an underlying contempt of male heterosexuality. Anytime I see someone using buzzwords such as “male gaze” or “patriarchy” thee persons assumptions usually are not based in reality. The “male gaze” is just a secularized version of the religious sin of lust.
I would never give my money to someone who holds me in contempt for what I find attractive, so just to be on the safe side I won’t be seeing any curly haired women while I am in Seattle in the early Autumn when I am there on business.
Correction:
I am turned on by women who are authentically bisexual. I made a typo in my original post. The “not” shouldn’t have been placed there.
Authentic bisexual escorts turn me on. If a woman seeks out other women for her own pleasure I find that even more enticing that someone who is gay for pay.
Hey now, I’m a curly-haired woman, too! Why not see me? 🙂
Tch, tch. Soliciting through your blog.
It won’t be long before WordPress has joined Backpage and Craigslist in the prohibitionist Hall of Shame.
That’s an excellent idea. I am most definitely interested.
world place –> work place
I would question a number statements in this article. For starters, hobbyists, and sex workers are not amenable to generalization. I’ve known escorts who were seriously impaired drug addicts, brilliant, sex positive activists, like Carol Queen, bi, straight, etc. A number of sex workers I’ve known over the years see themselves as helping clients develop social skills to find lovers for themselves. See “Women of the Light” by Ray Stubbs. Other sex workers are less compassionate.
As for hobbyists, Martha L. Stien’s book, “Lovers, Friends, Slaves …: The Nine Male Sexual Types, Their Psycho-Sexual Transactions with Call Girls details a number of reasons clients see sex workers. An individual client might have on reason one day, another the next, or seek out different sex workers for different reasons. That is certainly true for me.
Hobbyists don’t hate the truth any more than any other human beings. We all make up stories about ourselves, and want to live our fantasies, at least once in a while. But we all think we are truthful, even when we are not.
I was saddened by today’s guest post. Several aspects troubled me.
The most offensive was
“Men like to believe that sex workers are all natural nymphs and would
fuck them regardless of money; this frees them from class guilt, the
stigma of paying for sex and other emotions that might accompany
seeing a sex worker.”
I believe nothing of the sort. I would seek Maggie’s company if able
knowing full well that this is her job. I don’t experience class
guilt, nor do I feel any stigma about making a contract with another
consenting adult. The emotions I experience from a good session with
an intelligent, mature sex worker are overwhelmingly positive. That’s
why I return.
I would seek Maggie’s company, knowing full well that she is bisexual and
in a lesbian relationship. I would not seek Ayna’s company.
Maggie McNeill has demonstrated a deep understanding of and compassion
for men. She doesn’t bring the concepts of class guilt and stigma
into our contract. I harbor no illusions that I am anything more than a
client, but I am also comfortable that Maggie McNeill doesn’t secretly
loathe me for being a white heterosexual male.
Instead of understanding, Anya makes sweeping statements that strongly
suggest bigotry and prejudice.
I go to review boards; they are limited and full of inaccuracies, but
they are one of the few sources of information available.
I rarely have “full membership” and don’t get to see the intimate
details. I don’t want to. I want to know:
– that the escort is legitimate, in business for some time, not LE
– that most of her clients recommend her
– that she has decent business skills
– that she doesn’t hate all men
Beyond that there is little I seek or trust from those sites.
Personal chemistry is always unknown. When I make a little bit of
connection with a whore, I tend to return. Not by fooling myself into
thinking there is a relationship, rather enjoying a little bit of
recognizing another human being in this very personal transaction.
I’ve never encountered “Rumors abound of lesbian sex workers and how
awful they are by lying to men for money; they are bogeyman stories to
scare sex workers into behaving in an acceptable manner.”
Not once. I have encountered
– multiple instances of no call no show (NCNS)
– tales of bizarre behavior suggesting substance abuse and/or mental
problems
– women whose list of “No’s” is so long as to discourage me
– amateurs who give strong hints of possible trouble
That’s what drives me away – information suggesting that the escort is
not professional, or potentially dangerous, or is unlikely to provide
the sort of experience I seek. Queer/straight cis/tran and all the
other crap has nothing at all to do with my choices.
I don’t dispute that there are clients who act as Anya describes. I take offense at the suggestion that all men are alike in any way. Just like sex workers, we are all individuals. We deserve respect until our actions show otherwise.
Anya offers contempt and bigotry. No thanks.
A lot of things here don’t make sense. Not only have I never heard of lesbian escorts portrayed as boogeymen on forums, but I’ve seen ads of quite a few presenting themselves as bisexuals. She says men condition each other to want exactly the same fantasy while simultaneously arguing and disagreeing among themselves on what constitutes an authentic GFE.
She bitches a lot about what men want but never explains her own reasons for why she likes that job.I was surprised to read such a column on Maggie’s forum, but it’s good to read from all sorts of people and it does make for interesting discussion.
Whatever floats you boat, really. My guess is all that the push for “traditional” relationships is just the usual religions trying to inflate their follower-population. As this planet is heading into a hell caused by overpopulation, this is pretty much evil these days.
I might be not quite mainstream with that though. Even when I stumble over gay porn by accident, I tend to just not be interested, no other reaction. (Same for “lesbian porn”, incidentally.)
Interesting column, but you may be making some unwarranted assumptions. I am a 50 something straight white male, but I like queer and bi girls, tattoos, nose rings, half shaved heads, and all. Some of the most interesting and alluring women I have meet have been queer or at least bi. I realize I am probably not in the majority, but there may be enough of us for you to build up quite a cliental. Last time I looked there were not that many sex workers who fit the queer description. You might stand out in the crowd by doing so. Nothing wrong with a niche offering if the demand is there.
Personally, I am not turned off by a sex worker who is bi or gay. Why would I care, as long as she does her work well?
A number of comments made about male clients in this posting simply don’t apply to me, and (I suspect, I hope) to some other men either. I don’t delude myself that a sex worker I am with would “fuck” me if I wasn’t paying her – I know she wouldn’t. I don’t suffer from feelings of guilt (class-guilt or other) either: I visit sex workers for the pleasure and the adventure, I feel no more guilt about it than I feel about going to a good restaurant or engage in tourism (I am writing these lines from Tokyo, just for the record).
On the other hand, I don’t feel apologetic about my taste in sex partners. Whether “socially conditioned” or not, I am attracted to a certain cuteness in women that is well within the norms of traditional femininity, long (and wonderfully scented) hair and all. I don’t see why I should pay for an experience that doesn’t include such looks – keeping with the food analogy, I wouldIn’t go to a restaurant that serves food I didn’t like, and I don’t care how healthy or socially approved that food was.
Last point: if I visited someone’s home for the sake of sex (paid or not), I would be put off by in-your-face comments aimed at me (say, at me as a man, representing “patriarchy”). People are entitled to their opinions, but I am also entitled to spend my money or devote my companionship as I like. Being blamed for society’s failings are not among the things I like.
Great comment. There are a few escorts on twitter I used to follow who constantly use the feminist buzzwords and the straight white male as encompassing all evil trope on their professional accounts. I crossed them off the list of people I was going to see as a client. I won’t knowingly give my money to someone who loathes me based on my identity.
The first time I was with more than one woman at once was at a strip club shortly after my divorce. I asked a dancer if she did duos in the VIP. She said yes and I told her to pick a dancer she liked. I then spent the next two hours with two hotties going at it over my lap in the VIP. I just watched. Watching two women into each other turns me on. I can’t believe that is a foreign concept to the guest author.
”And if there’s one thing that the majority of “hobbyists” don’t like, it’s the truth.”
I would add that this is the statement that really makes my flesh crawl. There’s ONE thing that hobbyist really don’t like and it’s meeting someone who is not what they expected based on her advertisement. Whether it’s the real you or a work persona is not their concern so long as they get the experience they were looking for.
If your work persona is very different from real life, then you need to make sure your clients see this persona when you open the door. If you advertise as a queer feminist with side shaves, maybe you will attract less clients but those that meet you will love the truth they see.
This is true in pretty much every job where presentation is part of the service (music, politics, catering, teaching, etc). People can sell out or remain authentic; there’s nothing wrong either way, but don’t blame your customers if the authentic you is not what the majority of men is willing to pay for.
“A non-sex worker has more freedom in doing what she wants with her body in the world place whereas sex workers do not. ”
And a non-athlete worker has more freedom in doing what she wants with her body in the work place whereas professional athletes do not.
As Maggie noted in A whore in the bedroom,
“(A) good figure goes a long way …, but dress, grooming and attitude go much farther…”
Anya appears to believe that if she grooms her hair as she truly desires, it would adversely affect her income. She may be correct.
The attitude on display in this essay is the greater obstacle. Anya may fool some of her clients some of the time, but not all men are stupid all the time. An accomplished professional will work to create the illusion that her clients seek, but the resentment and contempt on display here would be very difficult to mask consistently and effectively.
The escorts who see me in their home keep a neat house, as should anyone who receives guests professionally. But the decor, color schemes, choice of paintings or art to display, none of these are minor clues to be “straightened up” before receiving clients.
It’s hard to imagine that someone who spent an hour or longer before each session fuming while she hides all evidence of her true self would make a pleasant and charming companion, no matter what services are being provided.
I’ve got to agree with a lot of the sentiments expressed by commenters here.
Probably one major reason I’ve never employed a sex worker is because I’ve lived with several and heard them express contempt for their clients. The girls from A Touch of Class that I got to know through a job I had would also engage in regular derogatory banter about clients.
Being aspie I have a hard time distinguishing sincerity from faking it and would probably always suspect in the back of my mind that any sex worker who seemed to like me was really hiding her contempt for financial reasons.
I’ve often hid my dislike of employers because of their power to curtail my income. Why would I expect sex workers to be any different?
Most professions seem to express contempt for their clients at one time or another. I previously worked in a restaurant and the servers and cooks would both complain vociferously about many of the guests who had the courage to darken our doors. And now, working in a spa as a massage therapist we regularly complain about many of our clients as well. This seems to be something that gets done more out of habit than malice.
I have no delusions about the sex workers I see. I know they would not be having sex with me if I wasn’t paying them. As for my preference for GFE services that is no different then a preference for a particular cuisine.
As for her theory that less clients would see her if she changed her appearance, perhaps. But it might also gain her some clients if it appears she is then seeming to be more “authentic” to herself as opposed to being someone she dislikes. Before becoming a client, I thought I had a type that I was drawn to. This is not actually the case. I have seen workers varying in height from 5″0′ up to over 6 ft and every of every shade under the sun.
It’s certainly true in the medical profession as well. Some of it is humor and an attempt at dealing with stress, but there is genuine frustration/contempt/annoyance at patients as well. This is also the case in personal relationships; since I worked at one time with many women, I heard endless complaints about their husbands/boyfriends.
Buzzword overload. I thought this was a Salon article.
This writing style is “Madlibs.” Identity Politics edition.
Reading this person talk about how horrible it is that those dreadful patriarchal men expect her to look a certain way, how they try to dodge their class guilt for being men and being willing to pay for sex; I begin to feel for Maggie’s position that men who have sex with escorts without intending to pay them are rapists.
Perhaps I should have been clearer in my piece.
Queer does not equal lesbian. I am attracted to men, women, trans people among others.
Queer is a multi-faceted word that is used in different ways and means different things to different people. Here are some ways that queer is used today:
Queer (adj.): attracted to people of many genders
Although dominant culture tends to dictate that there are only two genders, gender is actually far more complex. Queer can be a label claimed by a person who is attracted to men, women, genderqueer people, and/or other gender nonconforming people.
Queer (adj.): not fitting cultural norms around sexuality and/or gender identity/expression
Similarly to the above, queer can be a label claimed by a person who feels that they personally don’t fit into dominant norms, due to their own gender identity/expression, their sexual practices, their relationship style, etc.
Queer (adj.): non-heterosexual
Queer is sometimes used as an umbrella term to refer to all people with non-heterosexual sexual orientations or all people who are marginalized on the basis of sexual orientation.
Queer (adj.): transgressive, revolutionary, anti-assimilation, challenging of the status quo
Many people claim the label queer as a badge of honor that has a radical, political edge. UU seminarian Elizabeth Nguyen has preached: “Queer, for many folks, is about resistance—resisting dominant culture’s ideas of ‘normal,’ rejoicing in transgression, celebrating the margins, reveling in difference, blessing ourselves.”
I don’t fume when I clean. I posit the idea that almost everyone given the chance will tidy up their space before company arrives. We all hide part of our identity before we get to know people for fear for being judged.
I also distinguish between clients and hobbyists. There is an attitude difference. In my experience, hobbyist are those who treat seeing an escort with the same collector mentality of any other hobby,i.e stamp collecting.
Clients are those people who enjoy seeing escorts as people, and revel in their experience.
Anya,
I am curious as to why some sex workers think demonizing straight white males is hip and edgy. It is insulting. I think many sex workers don’t realize how self defeating it is to demonize a large portion of your base while anti sex workers demonize the average clients as predators. You give them more fuel to their fire.
I am baffled why you think any client would be turned off by you enjoying yourself with other women.
I can’t answer why “some sex workers think demonizing straight white males is hip and edgy” because I can only speak for myself.
Sex workers are not a monolith and we each have stories, experiences and histories that we bring into “work.”
I did not demonize anyone. I pointed out the fact that sex work is one of the last places that a strict adherence to the feminine beauty myth is found.
-It is not that clients are turned “off” by the enjoyment of women. It is the idea that I am enjoying myself too much.
This fear is seen in the movie The Sex Monster (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sex_Monster).
I can enjoy women, but only in front of the male gaze, for their enjoyment.
Do you really believe clients are afraid that two bi women are enjoying themselves too much? Do you really believe a large percentage of clients don’t want women to be into each other?
If you think straight white males are too much of a burden for you and you can’t be yourself at work, ever think of relocating to a less non-white area of the country such as Detroit? You seem to resent that your straight white male clients find certain things attractive. Might be news to the many black sex workers in Detroit who refuse to see black men.
Looking at the comments from hobby boards about this subject- Yes. Looking at my emails from dudes about this matter-Yes.
I never said ” straight white males are too much of a burden”.
Are you 100% yourself at your job? I am going to guess No. We all present the best sides of ourselves at work/in public. The difference is that my work is in private.
I am always myself at my job, that is why I have a great reputation in the trade associations I am involved with and have received a number of great referrals from customers.
The difference between me and you is I can be frustrated with customers at times without holding them in contempt for their identity. I enjoy what I do and I also realize that without my customers, my field would not exist.
Speaking as a man who has been in many locker rooms and all male settings, I can assure you your small sample size of e-mails from men responding to your misandry don’t represent what the average man thinks of lesbian attraction. There are people in this comment section now who are telling you that what your saying is not true.
And your casual usage of “dude” is no different to me than someone using “bitch” to refer to a woman. Your original post failed to distinguish between hobbyists, clients, and men in general. Your follow up comments here claimed you make a distinction between hobbyists and clients, but further comments by you seem to conflate all 3. Its clear you do have an underlying contempt for men in general
Terms like the “male gaze” are just academic jargon to demonize male sexuality. If you believe male sexuality is conditioned and not biological, how are you different than pray away the gay people and those who want to give therapy to correct trans people? I couldn’t imagine holding my customers in contempt the way you do and juxtapose that with the claim of loving my job.
I am glad you did post as it helped me weed out someone who wouldn’t be a good fit with me in a provider/customer relationship.
Your message was loud and clear to me. I was socializing with people who identified themselves as queer before you were born. It was quite dangerous to be openly queer then. Although I am helplessly hetero my queer friends never found it necessary to pigeonhole me and lecture me about my privilege, patriarchal bullshit, normative gaze, or any of the faults you find in men.
I’m a nerd, another group that was most uncool then but accepted and sometimes admired today.
Perhaps people who experience real bigotry and prejudice are less likely to indulge in it themselves.
There was no distinction between clients, hobbyists, or men in general in your original post.
“Rumors abound of lesbian sex workers and how awful they are”
“Men like to believe that sex workers are all natural nymphs and would fuck them regardless of money;”
“class guilt, the stigma of paying for sex and other emotions that might accompany seeing a sex worker. ”
“sex workers … can not exist outside of client-created normative ideals”
“A sex worker’s image, in order to gain the most money from the most clients, must be built, maintained and curated for the gratification of the normative male gaze; ”
“the (semi) complacent sex bunny that the majority of my clients open their wallets for”
“if there’s one thing that the majority of “hobbyists” don’t like, it’s the truth.”
None of these statements matches my experience. You are the sex worker and I’m just a man, but I’ve encountered sex workers that are tall and short, thick and thin, buzz-cut and long haired, openly lesbian and professed hetero. All could be fairly described as “mid tier escort.”
There are many sex workers who don’t concern themselves with gaining “the most money from the most clients.” They include UTR, high end, those who offer a particular fetish or kink experience, BBWs, toothless grannies, cuddlers, sugar babies, and many, many more.
Your chosen niche in this competitive field is quite literally your business. Patronizing escorts who speak and act as if they respect me as a man and as a client is my choice.
Dear Ms. McNeill:
Although you go through great lengths to conceal your lesbian interest and proclivities, how do you deal with the compartmentalization psychologically and intellectually when you have a session with a client while knowing in your heart that you are a Lesbian? Although you probably have always known for quite some time , what are the mental techniques that you employ while doing your job as an adult companionship professional to protect yourself emotionally but also give yourself an outlet to whom you really are?
Goes to great lengths to conceal her lesbian … proclivities? !!!
If Maggie’s in a closet it’s a glass one surrounded by neon lights with a painting of Sappho on the side.
Best comment of the year so far! 😀
I answered this question at length in my column for June 4th.