I have found that when I have sex with a man I start feeling very bonded to him, especially because I don’t have sex often. How does one separate the sex from the feelings so one doesn’t become attached to the man? I’m afraid to be sexually involved because I think I might get attached and he might not be the right man for me, and then I’ll feel the loss and detachment which is sometimes painful.
This is not at all an easy question, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to answer it in a way that will give you any help. The reason for this is that I believe the tendency to bond with someone during sex is more a matter of temperament and biology than anything else; a lesbian-leaning bisexual woman, for example, might tend to bond with women she bedded but not men, and of course sex workers have no problem walking away from work arrangements without any residual bond whatsoever. I’ve known women who can have as much sex as they like (or can contract for) without any risk of the sort of inappropriate bonding you describe, while others get attached very easily and become serial monogamists who tend to fall “in love” with every man they sleep with (even if he has very little to recommend him). This is even true of men; while most men can have no-strings sex without emotional consequences, I’ve known more than one man who lacks the ability and will fall quite easily based on nothing other than the fact he had sex with the object of his affection. It doesn’t even seem to have anything to do with age or relative experience; I’ve known young women who can sleep around as carefree as any man, and older ones who have been “in love” literally dozens of times. It’s possible that you can eventually learn not to act upon the feelings sex generates in your psyche, but unless I’m very wrong about this I don’t think it will be easy – and maybe not even possible – to teach yourself not to feel those feelings in the first place.
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I agree – everyone is different. I myself tend to have no problem keeping my relationships that involve sex to a friends-with-benefits level or even just a fuck buddy level. My husband, however, gets attached very easily, and once he figured this out he went celibate for a while before we met.
So you might be one of those people that just has to be a bit more careful about sex for your emotional health.
There are several ways to approach this, and as a man who feels love easily, I’ve had to deal l with it personally, and I’ve also found it interesting academically. It is complicated. A dear friend of mine used to make the distinction between falling in love and falling in lust. She also took issue with the “falling” metaphor, saying that you climb up to love. That is, loving someone is an effort you consciously make, perhaps after falling in lust.
I like Robert Heinlein’s take of love, something like, “Love is when someone else’s live becomes as important to you as your own life.” That makes it easy to distinguish from lust.
There is a body of work, in little rodents called vols, that indicates that nesting behavior is dependent on hormone levels, particularly oxytocin and vasopressin. These hormones are released during orgasm.
Then there is your attachment style, which might be easier to deal with if you are conscious of it, and can vary from partner to partner. Attachment styles include secure, anxious, and avoidant. There is at least one good book on attachment: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind?and Keep?Love [Paperback]
Amir Levine (Author), Rachel Heller
And you might question the premise of sexual exclusivity and look into polyamory. Then you don’t have to obsess about finding the “right” man. Find a good partner or two and work on building a life together that can include other partners, for sex, or more complex relationships. That has worked for me for the last 50 years. But it is more work, and does have it’s difficulties, just like monogamy.
And avoid sociopaths. They make up about 4% of the population, and aren’t capable of love or attachment, and have no problem using and discarding people. Sometimes causing emotional hurt is a plus.
I have exactly the opposite problem (well, I think it’s the opposite, anyway)… unless I feel “bonded” with a women in a romantic and intimate way, nothing happens for me. And I do mean that practically. Pretty much the reason why I’ve been practically celibate for the last ten years.
When I was younger, I assumed the mark of a liberated woman was being able to separate emotion and sex. So at first it was a victory for me that I didn’t bond with any of my sexual partners. Sex was a purely physical thing for me, without any complicated emotions, or hangups, or…affection, or intimacy….
It took me longer than I like to admit to figure out that just because I *can* have sex no-strings-attached doesn’t mean it will make me happy to do so. And I think that being a liberated woman has less to do with living without strings and more to do with knowing what will make you happy and tying yourself to the people who can help you find that.