Memory will lay its hands
Upon your breast
And you will understand
My hatred.
– Gwendolyn Bennett
Today is the twentieth anniversary of an event I’ve alluded to often and described once, and though I did say I was going to write about it again today, I have changed my mind. Perhaps I should’ve realized this would happen; as I wrote in the last-linked column,
By the time it was over, I felt as though my psyche had received the equivalent of a sustained beating with a wide assortment of blunt instruments; it took me years to recover from the accumulated stress, and I was still subject to panic attacks (often provoked by unpredictable stimuli) until about 2003. Even to this day I dread being alone with my own thoughts unless I have something like writing or a book to focus on; when unoccupied by work, reading or conversation my brain is wont to start dwelling upon things best left shut up in mysterious boxes under my mental stairs…
I don’t often have panic attacks any more; not from flashbacks to the Year of Disaster, anyhow, and I’ve learned to contain them well enough that only people very close to me can tell something’s wrong. But though my intellect says it’s ridiculous to let a specific day on the calendar affect me to that degree (no matter what else is going on in my life), I woke up in a depressive, uneasy mood Monday morning, and it took Jae hours to get me out of it; I suppose next Memorial Day will be the same, as it has been for the last 20 years. I still prefer to avoid thinking or talking about that part of my life even when it isn’t the last week of May, so it probably won’t surprise you when I tell you that even though I had the opportunity to write this essay earlier in the week I kept putting it off and doing other things instead. As of this writing posting time is only six hours away, and I can’t procrastinate any more…but neither do I have to punish myself further by dwelling upon awful memories. I don’t think I will ever be able to forget the violent execution of the last pathetic vestiges of my faith in any kind of government actor, but creating more tragedy porn won’t serve any constructive purpose. As much as it’s humanly possible, I’d rather leave those memories to howl in their crates and never give them the satisfaction of knowing with certainty that I can hear them quite as well as if I were sitting right on top of them.
Reblogged this on O LADO ESCURO DA LUA.
Two observations:
1. During the hunt for Peter Sutcliffe, the ‘Yorkshire Ripper, who murdered many prostitutes—and some women in the mistaken belief that they were, the officer leading the police investigation, George Oldfield, made a comment along the lines, that it was much more sad that Sutcliffe had murdered an innocent woman. If anything, the realisation that ‘innocent’ women were being murdered spurred the investigation. (I can’t find the actual quote on-line.)
2. Not just the cops. The BBC Panorama programme broadcast just last night a documentary about state collusion in the ‘Troubles’ in N Ireland, indicating that the government through the police, army and intelligence services had agents on both sides, and that these agents were being protected from exposure and prosecution by the state. Thus, the single survivor of a massacre described how his witness statement went missing; or there was a fire, or there was a flood, or there was asbestos. Despite being ‘lost’ or destroyed, it eventually reappeared.
A weapon used in another massacre was apparently disposed of by the police, despite being evidence. It was found as an exhibit in the Imperial War Museum in London.
Unsurprising that some of us have little faith in the police or the state.
Same here, Maggie. In the event that I experienced, came the extinguishing of my faith in people in general, and the dawning of my understanding that people often don’t even give a thought to the harm they may cause with what may be, to them, no more than an inconsequential action. I came to realize that the only way to actually bolster one’s security — and that one needed to do so — was to not engage any more than absolutely necessary.
Consequently I have lived an increasingly secluded life for the last three decades, and with every jot or tittle of increase in my own level of seclusion, I become that much happier and more comfortable. My SO feels the same way. In this regard, we feel that there is no such thing as an excess of caution.
I no more enjoy discussing the details of the specific event than you, and yes, it still makes me uncomfortable. I suspect it always will.
Hope that brings a little bit of the “I’m not alone” to you. That was my intent, anyway.
Please pardon my curiosity, I’m not asking for details of your traumatic event. However, did your SO experience the same or a similar traumatic event, or did they need convincing to follow your path?
Again, I’m not pressing for any details you might not wish to provide, but do you think you’ll be able to keep up your secluded life indefinitely?
I suppose that brings me to my biggest question. You say you’re convinced people don’t give a thought to the harm they cause with what they think (at that moment?) is an inconsequential action. Does it follow then, that you don’t believe people are capable of learning from their errors, regretting the harm they or others have caused (once they’ve been made aware of it) and, most importantly, working to rectify and prevent such harm in the future?
I’m sorry to hear you’ve lost all faith in people. I think it’s an over-reaction. I’ve been helped over the years by total strangers. Most of the time someone has offered help, I didn’t really need any assistance and just said No and thanked them for their offer. On a couple of occasions I really did need help and took it when offered. On one occasion I would have died if not for a stranger stopping and helping me as I lay on the ground unconscious and was having my body giving out on me. Although most people would just go by and not stop, I’ve found there’s usually someone who will.
Of course these incidences were things that could be easily fixed, there are countless people out there who have long term problems for which almost nobody is willing to try to fix. All the homeless living on the streets for example.
@Ted
I don’t think Maggie said that she has lost her faith in people, but she has lost her faith in the power of government to do good. That’s a crucial, but distinctive difference.
@Maggie
I think regular readers of your blog have a pretty good idea of what probably happened twenty years ago, and you don’t have to cause yourself more pain by unearthing those unpleasant memories. What is more important is that you have the support of friends and a larger family that will stand behind you better than your biological family did. That’s the only truth that we readers need to know.
@ eddiejc1
Actually I wasn’t referring to Maggie, but to fyngyrz. You don’t have to go through the horrible experience Maggie has gone through to see her point, just watch the news with all the murders that cops are committing and getting away with..