My girlfriend of 10 years was an escort before she met me, and didn’t hide that from me when we got together. I didn’t bother me because it was in the past, but now she’s working again and I’m having a hard time with it. I feel she enjoys some of the calls, and I worry that I won’t be able to live up to those experiences; I also feel like sex isn’t as special for her as it is for me. It’s harder to date an escort then I imagined! Can you please give any advice or feedback? I do love her and we have a son together; I just need some advice from a woman who has lived it.
She probably does enjoy some of her sessions. Would you prefer she didn’t? I understand you’re feeling insecure about this, but seriously consider what I’m asking you here: Do you want her not to enjoy her job? And if you don’t, is merely not enjoying enough? Does she need to be entirely miserable the whole time for you to feel secure? I get that men are competitive creatures, and that y’all want to turn everything into a pissing contest, but the fact of the matter is that it’s very unlikely that you have the biggest cock she’s ever encountered, or that you’re the most technically competent lover she ever had, or that you “live up” to her most exciting scene every time y’all fall into bed. But remember, she had all these experiences before she met you and yet she chose you anyway. As I explained to a female reader almost six months ago (in a situation where the shoe was on the other foot),
The inconvenient fact is that sexual desire isn’t directly linked to emotional connection; at the beginning of a relationship they usually are, but in the majority of cases it doesn’t stay that way for more than a few years. Every woman would like to believe she’ll always be the one her husband is most sexually attracted to, but that’s not usually the way it happens; the attraction which inspired him to choose her as his primary partner is emotional and/or spiritual, and may grow stronger even as his lust for her weakens with time and familiarity. Really, there’s nothing wrong with that; it’s why many an elderly man still deeply loves his wife long after her physical charms have faded. In short, it’s entirely possible that your man may find another woman he finds more sexually attractive than you, but it’s highly unlikely that would in and of itself present any serious threat to your bond with him.
That sauce serves as well for the gander as for the goose: it is highly likely that your lady chose you for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with sex, and that bond will still exist even if she’s getting a lot better sex from her clients than most escorts do (which I can assure you is highly unlikely). As my wasband Matt pointed out in his interview over four years ago, she’s no more likely to fall for someone she meets at work than she would be if she worked in any other job; in fact, because sex isn’t all that and a bag of chips to whores, we are dramatically less likely to stray, and if we do it certainly ain’t going to be for a stupid-ass reason like “I had an hour of good sex with some dude I don’t actually know”.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
Maybe the main problem that causes this kind of question is the overlap of some expert-level professional skill and some private amateur activity. Somehow many people in that situation believe they need to compete with the expert, when they have really no chance to do so successfully. They tend to forget that something done professionally by an expert is very different from the same thing on amateur-level. They also forget that providing a service for money is a different setting entirely.
I see that in my professional field as well, when people that know I am a CS type with a PhD from one of the best universities in the field and a lot of experience want to tell me basic things about how computers work and how to use them best. That just does not work, and I ignore them or indulge them without telling them how far off they are. If I have further contact with these people, it will not be because of their CS related insights (or rather lack thereof), but because of different reasons. The problem is here that many people today use computers and somehow they think that as a result they understand them or that they are “power users”. I imagine similar things happen to car mechanics, chefs, gardeners, etc.
I’m going to disagree with our hostess and suggest that you first have a discussion with your girlfriend, tell her how you feel, and ask her to quit hooking. We can all get a bit overly rational about this stuff, when the bottom line is that jealousy is real and having your girlfriend out screwing other guys, regardless of the reason, is a big recipe for jealousy. We’re probably hard-wired for to react this way, but even if it’s only in our socialization software, who cares? You feel the way you do, and I doubt there’s much you can do to talk yourself into not feeling that way. Your first step is to tell her how you feel and ask her to quit.
However, I emphasize asking, not telling her or even making it an ultimatum. You knew what you were getting into when you allied with her, and even rationally know that her hooking isn’t necessarily that big of a deal. Plus, she’s a grown up, so it’s her decision, and the last thing you want to is create a situation in which she’s unlikely to tell you the truth. Open and honest communication is crucial, and it’s certainly fair for you to ask for what you want.
Suppose though you ask and she says no. If you can’t handle it, which is entirely understandable, you can choose to cool or even end the relationship and go your own way. Just as she has a choice, so also do you. It becomes a matter of your weighing the trade offs. Personally, I’ve exited relationships with whores for this reason, though I haven’t always exited them, making it a real “it depends” situation that only you can decide how to respond for yourself.
However, if she continues hooking, there are sometimes barriers that can be constructed between her working and personal life that can make it easier for you. I have observed how couples often establish these barriers. Generally they seem to involve her only working with certain sets of clients in certain separate locations. Not sure about you, but my jealousy really kicks in when the clients are guys I know or guys in the same neighborhood. It can become too close for comfort if you’re not careful. However, if some barriers are erected and it’s “just work” for her, a fair number of guys, myself included, can handle it. It becomes an “out of sight out of mind” issue, though still not the greatest arrangement. You may not want to ask for example, “How did your work go today, honey?” lest she tell you. Of course, if she’s sensitive, she probably will be able to tell you some things without hurting your feelings. Even so, a bit more separation is probably in order than is usually the case with couples talking about their jobs.
Also, if she continues hooking, you can always think about the money she’s making. I have found myself doing this, and it’s almost kind of fun. I think: “Well, I can’t afford to give her the kind of money she makes hooking, and she can’t make as much in another occupation, so isn’t it great that she has this income? It really takes the financial pressure off of me.” And to this I add, “I’m one lucky fellow to have other guys supporting my girlfriend–and the dumb fucks are only getting the pussy while I get the whole girl.” It’s actually a pretty good financial deal for us guys, a bit like being a pimp.
However, the risk to this line of thinking about the financial benefits of having a hooker for a girlfriend is that every once in awhile when money has been tight I have been tempted to say, “Can’t you go out and find a high-paying client?” Gee, I don’t want to find myself in the position of encouraging her to hook, though strangely that does logically follow from a self-interested appreciation of how much money she can make hooking.
Finally, in my observations prostitutes don’t stick with the occupation very long. One reason they don’t is that it’s a tough business and people usually prefer not to stay with it, at least full bore, very long. Another reason is that looks fade faster than most women realize, and as they fade so also do earnings. By the time hooking starts paying less than a job as a clerk in a convenience store, most prostitutes with anything on the ball have already retired. Thus, you can probably be confident that your girlfriend’s hooking won’t be a longterm thing, and even if it makes you uncomfortable now, it probably won’t last too long. Maybe you can ride it out.
OP: if you are not ok with it, then that’s the way it is. Other people have no business telling you how to feel.
Lets say your g/f hated the colour blue. It triggers her, or something. Sure, it’s irrational, but that’s the way it is. Lets say you have an old blue sweater in a trunk somewhere, and 10 years into the relationship you pull it out and begin wearing it. Would your g/f conclude that you were doing this despite knowing how she feels about blue? Yes she would, and she’d be right. She would have two issues to sort through. 1) her b/f is wearing a jumper she hates; and 2) he’s choosing to do that knowing how much she hates it.
If your haven’t told her that her working bothers you, well that’s a different story. But yes, you are sensible to be concerned. I know of at least one escort who divorced her husband of several years shortly after resuming work.
“I do love her and we have a son together;”
Oh man, you have my sympathy. Such an oft-told tale. Your g/f is escorting rather than hooking up, but there’s a reason why she has suddenly decided to resume work. After 10 years a woman will indeed get NCU. She has your proverbials in a vice, a hook in your gills, and there’s nothing you can do, and she knows it. So she can act as she pleases, and what pleases her is to resume escorting. And you don’t dare say a word.
Find somewhere quiet where you can think and ask yourself a simple question: you love her, but does she love you? Then start thinking in terms of getting yourself prepared for the inevitable.
Great advice!