I’ve been seeing an escort whom I feel very intensely about. We both agree that this must remain a provider/client relationship in which money is exchanged, but I like doing extra for her such as helping her with college tuition. I have also promised that she can count on me for a certain number of sessions each month. I’m in a sexless but otherwise great marriage, and of course she has other clients; I love that we can be so open and genuine with each other, but I feel like I’m trying to do something that has no precedent in my own experience. If other men have these kinds of relationships I’ve never heard them talk about it. Do you think this can work? Have you seen it work for other men and women? Am I being a fool, or can this be the semi-miracle it seems to be?
The situation you’re enjoying is no miracle; it only seems to be because most people aren’t capable or willing to be both honest and pragmatic about their sexual relationships. What you’re experiencing is what happens when two people are clear and open about their desires and expectations for one another, and refrain from trying to force a mutually-beneficial and mutually-satisfying arrangement into one of the restrictive boxes society tells them are the only acceptable forms. I daresay such idyllic relationships might even be the norm, were it not for the stupid, impossible desire to own and control another person; this yearning for possession leads invariably to jealousy, frustration and conflict, and those weaken affection and may eventually destroy it. My advice to you is to continue on exactly as you’re doing; enjoy your young lady’s charms and companionship and take pride and pleasure in the fact that you can be a benefactor to her, and never try to turn the relationship into something it isn’t. The love and friendship between two people is an organic thing which has to be taken for what it is; any attempt to rebuild it into something else is as doomed to failure as a scheme to turn one animal into another by cutting it apart and putting it back together in a different shape.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
Agree with MM across the board.
I have done this (five? times) in various flavors.
Magic while it is happening, pain when it ends.
There is a solid shot to the self-esteem that endures.
I heard back from one via my sister a decade after.
I had changed her life. I had no idea.
Yes you are being fooled–and by yourself. You yourself essentially admit this when you ask, “Do you think this can work?” This raises the obvious follow up question, “Work for what end?” Since the provider/client relationship can continue to work without your giving her extra money, you are clearly hoping to receive some additional benefit from your extra investment. Since you open by admitting that you feel very intensely about her, it’s a good bet that what you want to “work” is for her to reciprocate with intense feelings.
The bad news is, as they say, money can’t buy love. It really can’t. It can cover the entrance fee, whether catching the interest of a non-hooker or hooking up with a hooker, but paying more than the entrance fee doesn’t ever make her like you any more. In fact, it can have the opposite effect of creating resentment of you and disgust with herself for pretending to care for you more than she does simply for your extra money.
No, I haven’t been exactly where you are, but mainly because I haven’t ever had the money to waste. However, I’ve been in lesser situations, and given extra money for this or that, and in retrospect this has revealed itself to be counterproductive. The women can’t help but be tempted to use me, and they have.
The flip side of course is that these are normal human relationships too, and there’s nothing wrong with being kind and helpful. The rule of thumb though is to ask yourself if you would be as kind and helpful to a similar needy friend who wasn’t also sucking your dick. If, for example, you would help a favorite waitress with her college tuition too, then by all means help your hooker. But if you find yourself helping your hooker more than you would another in a non-sexual relationship, you can be sure that you aren’t really being kind and helpful but are rather trying to buy feelings that aren’t for sale.
Plus, the extra money doesn’t even do her any longterm good. Yes, in the short term it gives her more money, but in the longterm it teaches her that money can be gained by taking advantage of others’ feelings and vulnerabilities. Insofar as this lesson is learned, you’re helping to create a monster.
And why the heck would you promise her a certain number of sessions a month? Did she promise you anything in return, like say a discount? If not, you are plunging headlong into an imbalanced relationship that if you’re lucky will only cost you money but if you’re unlucky will cost you a lot more.
My advice is to go back on your promised sessions and find three other providers fast. You don’t need to stop seeing this one, but you need to cool it and get some perspective. If over time you still enjoy her company and want to occasionally be appropriately kind and helpful, good for you (and for her). But at the moment you appear to be throwing your money and your heart into into a pool everybody has peed in and swarming with sharks.
Really, Ken? Is she also like chewed gum, or like adhesive tape that’s been stuck on things before? How long ago did you take that abstinence-only sex ed class? Do you recall that your hostess is a whore who probably will feel insulted by being compared to a fucking public toilet? And can you give me one good reason I shouldn’t ban your arse for that kind of anti-sex, prohibitionist attitude?
You get “abstinence-only sex ed class” from this? Well, maybe. I get a confused jumble of disappointments in the past, paying for sex must be impersonal, and that killer at the end. I think Ken has gotten hurt pretty badly, possibly his own fault, and never managed to make sense of it.
What Ken says seems all to be completely misplaced here, as the guy that wrote the letter says that he is most decidedly not looking to replace his wife and obviously enjoys being a benefactor to this escort. The money does not seem to be a problem either. And there is nothing that says she cannot like a customer, just as long as the boundaries are clear and they are. This really is a win-win for both of them in all regards.
The question I’m left with after reading this is where does this fellow’s wife fit into this? Is she also concluding her marriage is ‘great’ despite being sexless and therefore doesn’t mind her husband not only seeking sexual satisfaction elsewhere, but going above and beyond for this particular provider by providing college tuition?
Most regular clients have a fund they keep hidden from the wife.
I would also expect that a smart wife in a sexless marriage that works great otherwise does very deliberately not go looking.
Then I hope this wife is as smart as you expect because to me secrets, no matter how beneficial they may be, have a way of being discovered. I hope this gentleman has a contingency plan should this outside relationship be discovered.
Apologies, imprecise language.
“There is a solid shot to the self-esteem that endures.”
should read
“There is a solid boost to the self-esteem that endures.”
Solid advice from Maggie. You ask if it can work but it’s not clear why, as at least based on the details given you’re living proof that it can and is working. You’re not experiencing any feelings of possessiveness or jealousy, right?
The bigger question for me though is what you don’t talk about: the “sexless but otherwise great marriage”. How did you get into a situation where you’re in not just a relationship but a marriage in which the most basic component is completely absent??
Are you kidding me? This is how she makes her living. She wants you to think she loves you and you think you are different than the other men? Come on I’m disappointed that Maggie does not say this.
You do realize that whores, like other caring professionals, do have some clients we like better than others, right? I married my favorite Matt; do you think I felt exactly the same way about him I felt about all the others? Why can guys not get this?
Beautifully said. I yearn for such a relationship