I’m 22 and I’ve never done anything sexual with a woman in my life. No holding hands, no kissing, no making out, no cuddling; I think I’m too shy and lack confidence. I’ve been out on a few dates, but nothing ever really seems to happen. I’ve read some of your other posts about being a virgin or being a sensitive guy going to see an escort, but I’m not sure it would really help because I want more than just sex. Are escorts OK with cuddling and kissing? Besides that, I could only afford a couple hours at best. Sometimes I wish there were sex therapists who have sex with patients; that might help me. But what can I do to make myself more confident and less shy around women? And is there a certain kind of woman who would be better for an inexperienced guy?
Escorts who specialize in providing a girlfriend-like encounter are referred to as “GFE” escorts, but of course you’d have to find a reliable one because there is no quality control on that term and anyone can call herself “GFE” even if she’s not remotely girlfriendly. So even with research it might take you time and money to find an escort who’d be able to give you the kind of experience you’re looking for. But I don’t honestly think it’s what you need, though it might help you to relax a little so you wouldn’t feel the loneliness so acutely. There is a kind of sex therapist who has sex with patients; they’re called “sex surrogates”, but they see patients by referral from psychologists and IMHO you’d end up spending more than you would for an escort without (in your specific case) any real increase in benefits.
I have some good news for you, though. Twenty-two is actually quite young, though I know it doesn’t seem so to you because that’s your whole lifespan. There are a lot of people who have never had relationships by your age, but far fewer who haven’t by thirty; you’re moving into a time in your life when the likelihood of intimacy nearly always increases. I’ve written before to a gentleman whose situation was not-dissimilar to yours; he was a bit older, but the advice still applies to you. The most important thing is patience; relationships simply cannot be rushed, and if you feel a sharp need to be in one (as you clearly do) it makes the waiting seem much longer and harder than it actually is. Also, if you’re desperate you may let yourself be caught up in a bad, toxic relationship, which (believe me!) is much worse than none.
Finally, you ask if there’s a specific kind of woman who might be better in helping you get experience, and who wouldn’t judge you for being a virgin; the answer is yes. Some older women enjoy initiating young men into sexual life, and I have met many men whose first experience was with a woman 10 or 20 years his senior; such women often consider the lack of experience a plus. The only drawback to such a relationship from your point of view is that they are often short-lived; whether the woman is just looking for a younger playmate rather than a life-partner, or if she loses interest once the young man gains confidence, or she’s in denial about aging and seeking a succession of younger partners as validation of her sex appeal, or if she truly believes her young lover needs to move on to partners of his own generation, the end result is the same. So if you do get into such a relationship, keep in mind that it may only be a brief stop on your greater journey; if it turns into a long-term relationship, well and good. But if it doesn’t, you will still have gained confidence that will help you with other women, and experience that can guide your future course as long as you learn from it.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
all your advices show human concern and are to the point, because you speak from lived experience and profound wisdom. This one stands out, I think, because of its subtly worded sense of motherly love. Beautiful!
Thank you! 🙂
Maybe you mean “girlfriendy”.
I think a girlfriendly escort is probably something else.
Is there much demand for WE (wife experience) escorts?
You know, the ones that spend the entire session telling you what’s wrong with you and when it finishes take half of everything you own.
Believe it or not, I changed that word back and forth a few times until I settled on “friendly”. 🙂
I know you “sanitize” these questions … so I’m not sure how much you cut out. But … from what I’m reading, he’s got two issues.
1. Never had sex with a girl and that is bothering him – he thinks he’s behind the power curve.
2. He’s awkward with girls. This is evident by the fact that he’s been on dates but never held hands or kissed a girl. This is way beyond the norm, in my experience. Only one date I ever went on that I didn’t kiss the girl – and it was because I was pissed at her at the end of the date! I didn’t even walk her to her door!
Anyway – those are two separate problems. I don’t think he needs a “girlfriend experience” – that kind of means he needs to play the role of “boyfriend” – and I think he has issues with this.
I think he can solve one problem right away – and make a good start toward solving the other. He needs to have sex – otherwise the apprehension with it just builds and his mind will turn sex into some great and mysterious thing. And the first girl that gives it to him, as long as it goes reasonably well, his mind will rationalize sticking with her … and falling in love with her … because dumping her (or her dumping him) will mean he’s back in the same hole again searching for another.
I REALLY think … he needs an OLDER escort. He’s 22 – he could go for one up to 40, or even beyond. The first time I did it was when I was 17 and she was 35. She ran the whole show. Problem for a young, inexperienced guy is if he gets with a girl his own age and then there is a lot of tension, because he wants to impress her and he thinks maybe she’s had sex before and she’ll be comparing him to other men … and it’s only his first time and … you get the picture.
He’s gonna SUCK the first time. The girl I was with said … “Krulac, this first time – just try to last long enough until I get it inside me.”
Success! I lasted about 5 – 10 seconds longer than that!! Then we did it again … and maybe a third time too on that first occasion – I don’t remember. Each time I got a little better but I was completely comfortable the whole time because I wasn’t trying to impress her – she was so much older than me and had so much more experience. Wasn’t like she was my “girlfriend” or anyone I thought I might ever strike a long-term relationship up with (although, after about two or three occasions with her – my MIND started wanting to – but she shut that down.)
Soooo … I think he SHOULD see an escort. If this were my son, or some kid I knew … this is what I WOULD DO …
I would get ahold of the moderator of my local ECCIE forum and tell her the situation. Now … I KNOW my local “moderator” and I know she’s in her 50’s, well balanced, and a sweetheart of a person (like Maggie McNeill is – exactly that type, maybe not as smart as Mags). And I would ask her if she knows an older provider who could do this right and not give the guy a complex or make things worse in his head.
If he lives near me – I can hook him up. If not – he’ll have to find another method do some research as I’m sure not all ECCIE moderators are as great as the one we have in my area.
But really – he needs to get the sex out of the way … just to get that off his mind. And it’s good to do it with a girl he can’t emotionally attach to – basically, someone that’s like a “nurse”. She can kiss and stuff … that wouldn’t be an issue.
I talk to providers all the time and they REALLY love sweet men who are generous and know how to treat a woman correctly. I get the feeling that, it’s part of you ladies’ nature that many of you – many of the older gals anyway – would LOVE to have a chance to have an impact on making a boy into a “gentleman”. The first girl I was with not only got me through the sex but also she imparted her knowledge about women to me. What they like, what they don’t like … how to treat them. And … I would say, that most of my “standard of conduct” toward women I got from that first gal. I will love her forever for what she did for me. And, by the way – two years ago I met that girl again … and she was almost 70 – and still one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. I teared up when I told her … “It’s been over 30 years and you have no idea how much of the man I have become was made from the things you taught me.”
After her … there was no more “mystery” about women and no worries about getting into a car accident and dying a male virgin. That was a HEAVY LOAD lifted and I know it would be likewise for this young guy who wrote you.
“He needs to have sex – otherwise the apprehension with it just builds and his mind will turn sex into some great and mysterious thing. And the first girl that gives it to him, as long as it goes reasonably well, his mind will rationalize sticking with her … and falling in love with her … because dumping her (or her dumping him) will mean he’s back in the same hole again searching for another.”
Sorry Krulac… as I was reading this your voice suddenly morphed into Matthew Broderick’s:
“Cameron has never been in love – at least, nobody’s ever been in love with him. If things don’t change for him, he’s gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she’s gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won’t respect him, ’cause you can’t respect somebody who kisses your ass.”
There are of course those who have quite a bit to say about what a young man might do to improve his sexual success and confidence. Some of that wisdom comes from some rather harsh experience and can appear rather … jaded to those without that experience. Similar to how some people view police, for example. For the relationships minded, I would recommend a search for “Ian’s” ‘red pill primer for boys’ and perhaps a look at Athol Kay’s MarriedManSexLife. As a young man explores the wisdom of the manosphere, I recommend he take care to notice the recurrent behavioral recommendations, but avoid getting sucked into idealogical distractions. Focus on learning and observing what works for him, and allow that to gradually supplant the ideas of what many wish the world should be like. And remember, while Maggie is exceptional in many good ways, most relationship advice given by the female half of our fine species is not oriented toward *male* happiness. Certain men like Ian and Athol can share what usually works very well to create happiness for the whole family. As for early experiences, I can also vouch for the advantages of my own connection with a woman almost 15 years my senior in my early 20s. Good luck.