I know not what to do, my mind is divided. – Sappho
As I’ve said several times already, I am bisexual. I suspect many more women are (to one degree or another) than let on even in these comparatively liberal times; we do, after all, tend to be creatures of the mean rather than of the extremes as men are. When talking about women of my own personal acquaintance, it’s easier for me to name the women who are in no way bisexual than to list the many who are! But most of these are more “bi-curious” than anything else; they enjoy looking at pictures of other women or fantasizing about them, and they may even have occasional lesbian encounters, but they’ve never been in love with another woman and probably never will be. I, on the other hand, am about as bisexual as it’s possible to be; I’ve been attracted to both sexes since childhood and have had more relationships with women than I have with men (though my number of actual sexual experiences with men is far higher for reasons which should be obvious).
As I’ve already described in my column of July 16th, I respond differently to the two sexes:
I’m attracted to men below the waist and women above the waist. In other words, my reaction to men is primal and visceral, but my reaction to women is aesthetic. I feel the attraction to a man in my guts, and I can’t tell from a picture whether I will be attracted to him or not; I have to see and talk to him. Women, on the other hand, appeal to my appreciation for beauty; I feel the attraction in my mind and heart rather than my guts.
Because of this, it was inevitable that I would eventually settle into a long-term committed relationship with a man rather than a woman; though I feel differently today, back then I didn’t think aesthetics were as sound a basis for a relationship as what I considered biological and neurological complementarity. But that view certainly didn’t evolve overnight; I had my first girlfriend in my senior year of high school, less than a year after losing my virginity, and since it illustrates a few points I think it’s worth a paragraph.
Now, I’ve never been sexually aggressive; I have never consciously “come on” to a man in my life, and the very idea of actually suggesting sex to someone I’m not already involved with fills me with horror. Honestly, I have no idea how men manage it! But with other women the aversion to starting things isn’t quite so pronounced, so with Mae (and a few other girls over the years whose body language absolutely assured me of their interest) I was able to suppress my natural tendency toward receptivity enough to allow nature to take its course. My first lesbian relationship also set another pattern which was never broken: Every such encounter I’ve ever had was with a bisexual woman, and either she or I or both always had a separate relationship with a man. To my knowledge, I’ve never been with an exclusive lesbian; I suspect the very fact of their exclusivity (not to mention the odd grooming habits so common among them) turned me off to the idea.
The one characteristic of my first lesbian relationship which did not continue in my others was its secretiveness. I decided it was too stressful, and since I was now a young adult interacting with other young adults in a sexually tolerant environment I made no secret of my bisexuality. I was delighted to find that not only was this generally accepted in the circles in which I moved, but also that it tended to inspire invitations to participate in threesomes. Now that I think of it, my several years in that lifestyle may have helped to become more comfortable with the reality of prostitution, not only because people were calling me specifically for sex (without the trappings of dating), but also because I was the “other woman” many times over, even if the wife did know about it.
All that of course changed when I became involved with Jack; when we first started out I told him my philosophy of acceptable dalliances: Fooling around with girls is cheating for neither, but fooling around with guys is cheating for either. He claimed to be fine with that at first, but soon became so jealous of my then-current girlfriend that I stopped seeing her. For the rest of our relationship my only lesbian encounters happened during our frequent breakups, and even those were rare because of the emotional turmoil inherent in the on-again off-again situation; when he finally left me in January of 1995 I was in no state to become involved with anybody, male or female. Aside from one encounter with an old girlfriend in November of 1996, I had not been with another woman in the better part of a decade when I started doing two-girl shows while working as a stripper in 1998.
By that time I was living with Grace, who is absolutely heterosexual: As she used to say to me when I tried to talk about two-girl calls, “Maggie, if you wanna rub muffins with somebody that’s your business, but I don’t wanna hear about it!” This of course did not stop neighbors from making stupid modern assumptions; once when I one my way to a multi-hour dinner call one of them asked where I was going all dressed up.
When I told her I was going on a date (which was true; she didn’t need to know it was a professional one) she seemed surprised and said, “But I thought you and Grace were…”
“Lesbians?” I finished after she trailed off. “No, not at all! I’m bi, but she isn’t my type, and besides she’s only interested in men.” She of course apologized profusely, but I was far more amused than offended.
In all that time, I only went on two calls in which a lone woman (unencumbered by a man) was interested in paying for sex with another woman. The first such case was otherwise unremarkable; except for her gender it was really a lot like the typical call with a male client. But the second was completely different; she was a few years younger than I was and very attractive, and she spoke frankly to me about how much she missed having a girlfriend. It turned out she and I were in much the same space mentally; though we were uninterested in being unfaithful to our husbands with men, both of us liked having a girlfriend as well. Unlike my husband, though, hers was too conventional to be turned on by such an arrangement. I truly enjoyed the sex with her, and she called me several times that weekend; she was actually quite sexually aggressive and got both very vocal and excitingly rough when she was nearing orgasm (for example, she’s the only woman I was ever with who slapped me on the rump as men do). It turned out that she was from a city not very far from my country place, so I suggested she try to sell her husband on the idea of a three-way, timed during one of my visits to the country. She promised to consider it, but alas nothing ever came of that. It would’ve been nice to have a regular girlfriend again, and think of the benefits to both of our husbands!