Archive for November 30th, 2011

If I can’t sell it, I’m gonna sit down on it.
Why should I give it away?
Now darling if you want it,
You got to buy it.
And I mean just what I say.
  –  Andy Razaf and W. Alexander Hill

I honestly didn’t think I’d be doing another hooker song column so soon, but several of you made such good suggestions after my last one, and then Tits and Sass visited the subject on the 13th and regular reader B.B. Wye emailed me on the 8th about a song he wrote and recorded, so I think the Universe is telling me that it’s time.  Our title comes courtesy of Feminist Whore, who posted the lyrics and video on her site and in this commentAmazing Susan suggested Bob Seger’s “Main Street”, which is an awesome song but I didn’t use it today because it’s technically about a stripper, and Rapid suggested the sea chanty “A Whale of a Tale” which was performed by Kirk Douglas in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea; unfortunately Disney changed the third verse so Harpoon Hannah was a hag rather than a whore, so it didn’t make the cut!  The first one which did is from Bruce Hornsby and the Range and was suggested by Krulac:

Down the Road Tonight (Bruce and John Hornsby)

There’s a place
A local roadside shack
A poor man’s Paris with parking in the back.
There’s a girl there
She knows how to unwind
She don’t talk much but she knows just how to act.
I said – Don’t tell me she don’t love me,
The money’s just a mere formality.

(refrain) Every day, every night
Something’s going on, something’s going on
Down the road over yonder.
Any place, any time when I’m fading
My love lies waiting
Down the road tonight.

When I was younger
All the older boys
Would drive me way out past the county fairground.
They’d laugh and point out
This roadside trailer
And say something wild’s going on over there.
They said – What they’re doing
Don’t mean nothing to you now
But someday it’ll mean everything.


There were movies in the parlor
They were dealing one-eyed jacks
And when I said I loved her
She said – Just keep coming back.


Like the characters in several other songs we’ve seen in previous columns, Hornsby’s sensitive, lonely young man is in love with a whore and would rather not believe that her feelings toward him are purely commercial.  B.B. Wye’s character clearly has a healthier attitude toward his favorite working girls, seeing them as friends rather than lovers:

Midtown Asian Sex Spa (B.B. Wye)

You’ve got the number to call,
It’s not the one they advertise
The minute she opens the door,
You know it’s gonna be all right
She takes your hand and leads you
To a room all aglow
She’s gonna spread you out in halting English
And wash you tip to toe

(refrain) How come you’re all so super sweet and nice and super sweet and fun
How come you’re all so super sweet and super nice and sweet and fun
Oh, you’re so super sweet and fun and sweet and nice
How come you’re all so super sweet and super fun and sweet and nice
Oh, Bibi, Suki, Mimi, Kim! I can’t wait to see my friends
At the Midtown Asian sex spa, the Midtown Asian sex spa
The Midtown Asian sex spa again

Naked and all squeaky clean,
On a towel on a spread on a bed
You wait for her quiet return —
This is where it all has led
The table shower just a hint
Of wonders to come
That was funny that time when Cici came in
With a big, bright “Honey, I’m home!”


Her smile, a little bit sly,
Sends me out into the city sun
Her eyes shimmer and shine
With pride in a job well done
Well, maybe I’m just old and vain
Or old, vain and old
I think she guesses how her generosity
Touches my soul


Of course, not all prostitutes are as professional as Wye’s massage girls; Joni Mitchell’s character in our next selection (suggested by reader Joe Bar) is obviously a ne’er-do-well who has turned to hooking because she isn’t any good at anything else:

Raised on Robbery (Joni Mitchell)

He was sitting in the lounge of the Empire Hotel
He was drinking for diversion
He was thinking for himself
A little money riding on the Maple Leafs
Along comes a lady in lacy sleeves
She says let me sit down
You know, drinkin’ alone’s a shame
It’s a shame it’s a crying shame
Look at those jokers
Glued to that damn hockey game
Hey honey-you’ve got lots of cash
Bring us round a bottle
And we’ll have some laughs
Gin’s what I’m drinking
I was raised on robbery

I’m a pretty good cook
I’m sitting on my groceries
Come up to my kitchen
I’ll show you my best recipe
I try and I try but I can’t save a cent
I’m up after midnight cooking
Trying to make my rent
I’m rough but I’m pleasin’
I was raised on robbery

We had a little money once
They were pushing through a four lane highway
Government gave us three thousand dollars
You should have seen it fly away
First he bought a ’57 Biscayne
He put it in the ditch
He drunk up all the rest
That son of a bitch
His blood’s bad whiskey
I was raised on robbery

You know you ain’t bad looking
I like the way you hold your drinks
Come home with me honey
I ain’t asking for no full length mink
Hey, where you going
Don’t go yet
Your glass ain’t empty and we just met
You’re mean when your loaded
I was raised on robbery

Because of the lively tempo and light treatment, what could be a hard-luck story instead comes across as comical and upbeat; one gets the feeling that whatever setbacks she may encounter, Mitchell’s “rough but pleasing” lady will continue to muddle through somehow.  The song was first recorded in 1973, the same year as the movie version of Jesus Christ Superstar was released; as I’ve pointed out before, Rice’s lyrics follow the traditional portrayal of Mary Magdalene as a harlot, and in this song Judas takes exception with the way Jesus favors her:

Strange Thing Mystifying (Tim Rice)

Judas:  It seems to me a strange thing, mystifying
That a man like you can waste his time on women of her kind.
Yes, I can understand that she amuses
But to let her kiss you, stroke your hair – that’s hardly in your line.
It’s not that I object to her profession,
But she doesn’t fit in well with what you teach and say.
It doesn’t help us if you’re inconsistent;
They only need a small excuse to put us all away.

Jesus:  Who are you to criticize her?
Who are you to despise her?
Leave her, leave her, let her be now
Leave her, leave her, she’s with me now
If your slate is clean, then you can throw stones;
If your slate is not, then leave her alone!

I actually prefer the original version with Murray Head as Judas and Ian Gillian with Jesus; the words of that one are very slightly different but they don’t change the meaning.

While our last lady isn’t strictly a prostitute, she’s obviously a serious gold digger, and that’s close enough to justify it at this time of year:

Santa Baby (J. Javits and P. Springer )

Santa Baby, just slip a sable under the tree,
For me.
Been an awful good girl, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa baby, a ‘54 convertible too,
Light blue.
I’ll wait up for you dear, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Think of all the fun I’ve missed,
Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed,
Next year I could be just as good,
If you’ll check off my Christmas list.

Santa baby, I wanna yacht, and really that’s not
A lot.
Been an angel all year, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa honey, there’s one more thing I really do need,
The deed
To a platinum mine, Santa honey,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex,
And checks.
Sign your ‘X’ on the line, Santa cutie,
And hurry down the chimney tonight.

Come and trim my Christmas tree,
With some decorations bought at Tiffany’s,
I really do believe in you,
Let’s see if you believe in me.

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing,
A ring.
I don’t mean on the phone, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry, tonight.

Thanks for all the suggestions; if this keeps up I reckon we’ll be seeing another column like this in January!

One Year Ago Today

Pam” is the story of the simply awful woman who owned the first escort service I ever worked for.

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