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Archive for the ‘Perception’ Category

Liz Brown recently published a roundup of efforts in various states to change prostitution laws, four of them for the better and two for the mostly-worse.  Liz covers the developments with her usual thoroughness so the article is well worth reading in its entirety, but since there are several tags tracking these legal maneuvers, it doesn’t hurt to synopsize them here (along with a few comments of my own, and links to earlier stories about prostitution law changes in those states).

Hawaii

Senate Bill 1204…introduced by state Sen. Carol Fukunaga…would repeal a section of Hawaii law criminalizing prostitution…and a section criminalizing “commercial sexual exploitation”…It would also repeal laws that criminalize “promoting prostitution,” “loitering for the purpose of engaging in or advancing prostitution,” “promoting travel for prostitution,” “street prostitution,” and soliciting prostitution near schools or parks…Another measure introduced by Fukunaga…would establish a working group to “study the effects of New Zealand’s model of decriminalizing prostitution on sex workers, their clients, and the broader community”…and “make recommendations for amending Hawaii laws to decriminalize prostitution”…

New York

…Julia Salazar[‘s]…S4396…has attracted eight co-sponsors so far…[it] would repeal all parts of state penal law “that make sex work between consenting adults illegal”…[and] also repeal other statutes related to consensual adult prostitution…

Unfortunately, there is a competing Swedish model bill sponsored by prohibitionist Liz Krueger which would treat sex workers as moral imbeciles and target their partners, friends, co-workers and families for persecution, and the governor has held discussions with its supporters.

Rhode Island

House Bill 6064 was introduced on March 3 and…would allow sex workers to come forward about crimes they witnessed or were victimized by without worrying that police would then arrest them for prostitution…or “procuring or attempting to procure sexual conduct for the payment of a fee,” loitering for prostitution, “soliciting from motor vehicles for indecent purposes,” or practicing massage without a license…

I’m not especially impressed with laws like this, one of which was recently passed in California.  But there are also re-decriminalization efforts going on in the state.

Vermont

H.372…has attracted 14 sponsors…and…would repeal the part of Vermont’s criminal code that outlaws engaging in prostitution, soliciting someone for prostitution, aiding and abetting prostitution, and related activities (such as permitting a place to be used for lewdness or prostitution and transporting someone to a place where they will engage in prostitution)…

Vermont’s current law actually defines all extramarital sex as “prostitution”, whether or not money is exchanged.

Massachusetts

[Prohibitionist filth] Kay Khan…[is once again trying to] implement what’s known as the Nordic model of sex work laws, in which paying for sex is illegal but selling sex (at least under some circumstances) is not.  The Nordic model…[i]s not recommended by human rights, health, or sex worker advocacy groups, since continuing to criminalize prostitution clients keeps the industry underground and leaves in place most of the harms presented by full criminalization.  A recent study of sex work law changes in Europe  found that…the Nordic model [is] associated with higher rape rates…

Tennessee

[Politicians] Page Walley…and…John Ragan…have introduced measures (H.B. 1383 and S.B. 0182), [basically similar to the one on offer in Rhode Island, with an important difference: they]…would also institute heftier penalties for people paying or attempting to pay for sex.  Right now, the crime of “patronizing prostitution” in Tennessee is already a Class A misdemeanor, punishable by up to 11 months and 29 days in prison and/or a $2,500 fine.  The…[new] law…would make patronizing prostitution a Class E felony, punishable by one to six years in prison and up to $3,000 in fines.  Increasing…penalties for…customers doesn’t stop prostitution.  But it may make customers more reluctant to engage in screening…and…other conditions that could increase sex worker safety, out of fear that doing so will leave a paper trail or otherwise make them more vulnerable to arrest…

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It’s always been difficult for me to ask for what I need, even from close friends; exactly why this should be the case in a person who has absolutely no problem speaking her mind in any other way is a conundrum I’ve never been able to adequately explain even to myself, much less anyone else.  But it’s something my friends have long noticed and lovingly chided me for, to very little avail.  Now, I’ve never had a problem asking for payment for services; the issue only arises when there’s no direct quid pro quo.  That’s why appeals for financial support from my readers are always difficult for me to write, and always seem awkward to my eyes when I read them.  So when several of y’all responded to last month’s “Inner Circle” by subscribing at my new $10 per week and $25 per week levels, it was both satisfying and validating on several levels.  The more obvious one is, of course, the economic dimension; things have been a bit tight since autumn, and with tax time coming up (much more painfully than usual thanks to a 50% increase in my property taxes) it was quite a relief for more to come in just in time, not to mention helping soothe my anxiety about the rest of the year.  But there’s another dimension, too; such a positive, concrete response to my request helps to quiet that part of my brain which generates formless, unidentifiable anxieties about asking, and thereby makes it less scary to do it again in the future.  So to my new subscribers, thank you for supporting me in two very important ways.  And to those who haven’t joined yet: won’t you please consider adding your contributions to the team of generous folks who make my work possible and my life just a little bit easier?

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Rikki de la Vega is a writer and activist in Boston. She has written 17 books of erotica and erotic science fiction through Sizzler Editions. Her nonfiction book Prudery and the War on Sex (from which this is excerpted) is due for publication by Digital Parchment Services sometime in April 2023.

Among the indictments included in the Declaration of Sentiments, issued in 1848 from the Seneca Falls Convention on women’s rights, was this condemnation of male privilege:  “He has created a false public sentiment by giving to the world a different code of morals for men and women, by which moral delinquencies which exclude women from society, are not only tolerated but deemed of little account in man.”  We still face this gendered double standard today, where men suffer far fewer consequences for sexual license, and women much more.  Many first-wave feminists, as they were strongly influenced by the religious attitudes of the time, believed that the answer was to insist on male chastity.  But another branch of the movement was convinced that a radically different approach was needed, that of empowering women to insist on equal partnerships based on mutual choice, affection and pleasure.  This was the Free Love movement.

Most people these days associate the phrase “free love” with the hippies of the 1960s and their unbridled approach to sexuality.  The original movement, however, was focused more on the legal, religious and social strictures that went hand in hand with marriage at the time.  Marriage in the nineteenth century meant women were subsumed under their husbands, with no legal identity or rights; divorce was also difficult to obtain, and virtually impossible for women even in cases of abuse by the husband.  Free Love advocates proposed the alternative of “free unions” of consenting partners, without the need for any legal or religious sanction, and likewise dissolved by mutual agreement.  The freedom they were calling for was freedom from archaic and oppressive laws and attitudes which kept women in bondage, as well as perpetuating the link between marriage and social or financial status.  Free Love advocates also affirmed women’s right to sexual pleasure, and of decoupling sex from reproduction by promoting the use and availability of contraception.  This was controversial primarily because it went against the Cult of True Womanhood’s view that women were (or ought to be) only interested in sex as a means of fulfilling the goal of becoming mothers, but also because birth control was seen as obstructing God’s design.  While the movement to promote birth control availability was separate from the Free Love movement, there was considerable overlap between the two, due to their commonly shared belief that women should have more choice and independence around sex and procreation.

Two other movements that intersected with Free Love, and one another, were the political Left and the freethinkers.  Utopian socialists such as the followers of Robert Owen, as well as various stripes of anarchists, often saw the oppressive marriage and divorce laws of their day as part of capitalist and state oppression, and many Free Love advocates embraced radical political views.  The freethought movement’s rejection and critique of religious beliefs and institutions, and their devotion to free and rational inquiry, led to at least an open discussion of Free Love ideals, and acceptance of them in practice as well as theory by many of their leaders.  One of the earliest and most vocal advocate for all three of these was Frances “Fanny” Wright, a Scottish-born intellectual, writer and activist who had established one of the first utopian socialist communities in Nashoba, Tennessee, and gave public lectures on labor rights, freethought, Free Love and women’s equality at a time when it was considered taboo for women to speak in public at all.  The Free Love movement’s overlap with both anticlerical freethought and political radicalism was one reason why so many feminist leaders regarded them as something of a liability.  But more pronounced was the entrenchment of Social Purity advocates within the drive for women’s suffrage and their mischaracterization of the Free Love agenda.  British feminist Elizabeth Wolstenholme had scandalized more conservative women’s rights activists with her free union with Benjamin Elmy, a freethinker and feminist like herself.  While she was initially recognized for her tireless efforts, British historian Laura Schwartz of the University of Warwick notes: “Wolstenholme became the subject of an orchestrated campaign against her continuing public association with feminist organisations.”  In the United States, mainstream feminist leaders turned against Victoria Woodhull for openly stating in a public address in 1871:  “Yes, I am a Free Lover. I have an inalienable, constitutional and natural right to love whom I may, to love as long or as short a period as I can; to change that love every day if I please, and with that right neither you nor any law you can frame have any right to interfere.”

While it may be argued that the Free Love movement did influence other feminists of their time to demand substantive reforms in marriage and divorce laws, the influence of the Social Purity wing still predominated well into the twentieth century.  This is exemplified by British suffragist Christabel Pankhurst’s 1913 book on sexually transmitted disease, The Great Scourge and How to End It, which insisted that votes for women be linked to the imposition of “chastity” for men and the ending of prostitution, dismissing questions about the role of poverty in pushing women into commercial sex, and not once mentioning the use of condoms (which were not only available at the time but often distributed by various armies to their soldiers).  To her, the spread of syphilis and gonorrhea was the result of a male conspiracy, and women needed political power to rein in men’s sexual appetites.

This division within first-wave feminism over responding to the sexual double standard runs along a continuum between two poles which I’ll call restrictive (as in restricting options for sexual expression, especially for men) and expansive (as in favoring an expansion of such options, especially for women).  It goes on into the second wave and beyond, fueling conflicts over how feminists respond to sexual imagery and literature, sex work, transgender issues, and the inclusion of men in the movement.  This is not to say that every feminist neatly fits on one pole or another, but their place on a spectrum depends upon a number of attitudes and approaches.  The first is the attitude towards gender, and especially men.  There is a tendency for those leaning towards the restrictive pole to uphold the gender binary, to describe gender in collective or even essentialist terms, and especially to view men with skepticism at best and outright hostility at worst (sometimes even ignoring the contributions of men to early feminism, such as John Neal, Marquis de Condorcet, Frederick Douglass, and John Stuart Mill).  When you consider the focus on sexuality issues, it would seem that the restrictive tendency has embraced the old-fashioned stereotype that: “Men only want one thing from women, so watch out!”  But it is more specific than that; the restrictive attitude is that men are likely to link sexuality with dominance, aggression and even violence.  Hence Robin Morgan’s maxim: “Pornography is the theory, and rape is the practice” – even when careful studies show no link between viewing porn and acceptance of sexual violence.  In contrast, the expansive view embraces a more fluid, nuanced and individualistic view of gender, affirming transgender and nonbinary people, as well as seeing that men’s attitudes and behaviors fall on a continuum and can change with education.

The second pair of tendencies is based on how each group tries to achieve their goals.  The restrictive side tends to seek to protect women from real or perceived harms, often through laws that prohibit or punish; the expansive side tends to favor efforts that empower women to find the solutions that would work best for their individual situations.  This difference also shows how the two sides tend to analyze and understand a problem.  The restrictive side takes a more simplistic approach; they see something as bad, they want to do away with it, so they embrace a single approach (such as the Dworkin-MacKinnon model ordinance on pornography, or the Swedish model for dealing with prostitution) and hang onto it for dear life.  By contrast, the expansive side tends to take a more nuanced and pluralistic approach; they will look at the issue, the factors behind it, and the consequences of various approaches, sometimes advocating a more multifaceted strategy that addresses the matter more holistically, such as providing nonjudgmental harm reduction for street-based sex workers, including changing the law towards decriminalization so that sex workers have better tools to deal with the issues in their lives.

The irony that seems lost on members of the restrictive group is how easily political and religious conservatives appropriate their tactics and language.  It should come as no surprise, considering the conservative tendency to adapt in order to gain and maintain their hold on politics, not to mention the tendency of both conservatives and restrictive feminists to see women in almost infantilized terms.  By contrast, the expansive feminist group’s dedication to individual autonomy puts them more in the position of critics to any political administration regardless of ideological label.  Indeed, it would seem that the expansive group is the one which is ultimately more skeptical of government, and thus less likely to be co-opted as their restrictive counterparts appear to have been.

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Partisans and other shallow thinkers often fail to grasp why censorship is always an evil, even when the speech being suppressed is that of those they view as political enemies.  Currently, authoritarians who describe themselves as “conservative” are the main characters in my “Thought Control” tag, but their counterparts who prefer the label “progressive” also blindly accept a whole menu of excuses for censorship, including “hate speech” and whatever the government chooses to call “disinformation”.  A recent article provides a perfect example of why outsourcing one’s judgment to politicians and bureaucrats is an absolutely terrible idea:

The Global Disinformation Index (GDI) is a British organization that evaluates news outlets’ susceptibility to disinformation.  The ultimate aim is to persuade online advertisers to blacklist dangerous publications and websites.  One such publication, according to GDI’s extremely dubious criteria, is Reason…The U.S. government evidently values this work; in fact, the State Department subsidizes it.  The National Endowment for Democracy—a nonprofit that has received $330 million in taxpayer dollars from the State Department—contributed hundreds of thousands of dollars to GDI’s budget…The First Amendment prohibits the U.S. government from censoring private companies for good reason, and government actors should not seek to evade the First Amendment’s protections in order to censor indirectly or exert pressure inappropriately…Reason‘s rating was due to three factors, according to GDI: “no information regarding authorship attribution, pre-publication fact-checking or post-publication corrections processes, or policies to prevent disinformation in its comments section”…contrary to what GDI suggests, the authorship of Reason articles is clearly communicated to readers.  Reason writers link to their sources, and promptly make (and note) corrections whenever appropriate.  It’s true that Reason does not specifically police disinformation in the comments section; that is perhaps an area where Reason‘s philosophy—free minds and free markets—clashes with GDI’s.  When evaluated by a misinformation-tracking organization that uses transparent and objective metrics, Reason fares much better. NewsGuard—an evaluator co-founded by Gordon Crovitz, former publisher of The Wall Street Journalgives Reason a perfect score of 100/100 and does not steer advertisers away…It is also worth noting that GDI ranked the 10 so-called “lowest-risk” online news outlets, which include: NPR, The Associated Press, The New York Times, ProPublica, Insider, USA Today, The Washington Post, BuzzFeed News, The Wall Street Journal, and HuffPost

Though Reason‘s article understandably focused on its inclusion on this blacklist, it was the latter whitelist which most drew my attention.  Seven of the ten websites GDI ranks as “lowest risk for disinformation” have repeatedly published wild fantasies about the lives and experiences of sex workers and migrant workers, despite mountains of evidence that they were lies.  NPR & New York Times have been, in fact, two of the most active spreaders of the “sex trafficking” moral panic; despite both organizations being repeatedly appraised of the facts, they have doggedly refused to correct the disinformation they’ve spread, or even to stop spreading it.  This is what happens when governments are allowed to be arbiters of fact: they wrongly label as “disinformation” facts which those in power find inconvenient, such as criticism of government propaganda.  And this is why wiser heads recognize all censorship, including government funding of pro-censorship groups, as dangerous, regardless of how high-sounding the excuse.

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Pay sex workers to educate you so you’re not reiterating harmful stereotypes out of ignorance.  –  Mahx Capacity

The Notorious Badge 

Hollywood follows rather than leads, so this is a good sign of a cultural shift:

…sex worker character[s] in…movie[s] or TV show[s]…are [typically] nameless, background-less, and function as nothing more than victims to be killed in a violent manner…but…a handful of [recent]…shows have represented sex work as ordinary work, and sex workers as complex characters, not singularly defined by the way they make money…What’s more, sex workers are becoming some of the most beloved characters — no longer the victims, but the heroes of their own stories.  In recent releases like the second season of The White Lotus, and movies like The MenuGood Luck to You, Leo Grande and Pleasure, sex workers are…among the most likeable (or, in the case of The White Lotus and The Menu arguably the only likeable) characters …and their choices are front and centre in the narratives…

Creepy Coppers

The people the government empowers to police your sexuality:

…a [typical and representative Michigan cop named]…Todd Barraco…was arrested on Wednesday for possession of…over 230,000 images and over 9,000 videos…of boys between the ages of 3 and 12 being sexually abused by adults…Barraco was initially arrested on March 17, 2022…when he went to a house…with the intent of having sexual relations with a[nother cop fantasy role-playing as a] minor…

Lack of Evidence (#1249) 

Useful idiots can always be counted on to eagerly lick up whatever toxic sludge cops vomit all over their upturned faces as they kneel in obeisance before the police state.  Here’s an example; it’s mostly just the usual wildly-exaggerated demonization of streetwalkers which yellow journalists parrot every time a stroll shifts due to police harassment.  But in this case, cops fed the ninnies the lie that the problem is due to the fact that they can no longer point their filthy fingers at any woman they want and oink out the word “prostitute” in order to justify assault, rape, and abduction (revoltingly euphemized as “rescuing women they believe to be human trafficked”).  Even by the abysmally-low standards of local news copaganda, this one is repellent in the extreme.

Torture Chamber (#1291)

Rather than solving this problem by convicting fewer people and giving screws less power over them, politicians say the solution is MOAR PRISON:

Wash[ington politicians are considering]…legislation that would lead to more prison time for [screw]s who sexually abuse [people locked in cages by the state and put completely under the power of those screws]…the bill…[is a response to the case of typical and representative] Forks jail guard John Gray…who…served [only] 13 months of his 20-month sentence…[after] Kimberly Bender…died by suicide in [the] Forks [cage stack] in 2019 after [her] report…to [bureaucrats] that Gray sexually [abu]sed her [was completely ignored until she was dead]…

Winding Down (#1302)

Destigmatization of psychedelics is happening much more quickly than I would’ve expected:

Australia…announced that…MDMA and psilocybin…will soon be used in the treatment of depression and post-traumatic stress.  Psychiatrists will be able to prescribe the two substances from July…[due to] “sufficient evidence for potential benefits in certain patients”.  The two drugs are…“relatively safe”…and provide…an “altered state of consciousness” that could help patients…

No Escape

The government is beginning to grudgingly admit what everyone already knew:

…the…Bureau of Justice Statistics…released detailed data…on more than 2,500 substantiated incidents of sexual assault in U.S. prisons and jails between 2016 and 2018.  The data starkly show how federal, state, and local officials have ignored their constitutional duty to protect incarcerated people from sexual assault, despite federal laws [pre]tended to create zero-tolerance policies for prison rape…the report found that perpetrators of staff sexual misconduct were…convicted, sentenced, fined, or pleaded guilty in [a mere] 20 percent of incidents in jails, and only a minuscule 6 percent…in prisons.  And less than half of those staff lost their jobs…The Prison Rape Elimination Act (PREA) of 2003 was supposed to create zero-tolerance policies for sexual abuse in U.S. prisons.  However, PREA is largely toothless and, in many prisons, it’s a bad joke…

To Molest and Rape (#1310)

This time, they’re trying to pretend he isn’t typical and representative by stating his continuous molestation of at least one kid started before he became a cop:

An El Paso [cop] was arrested [for]…aggravated sexual assault of child over a period of at least three years…Eric Bernardino Ramirez…[started] the repeated…molestation…[in 2014] before Ramirez joined the El Paso Police Department six years ago…

 

I find paywalls distasteful, and so many people find this blog valuable as a resource I just can’t bring myself to install one.  Furthermore, I find ad delivery services (whose content I have no say over) even more distasteful.  But as I’m now semi-retired from sex work, I can’t self-sponsor this blog by myself any longer.  So if you value my writing enough that you would pay to see it if it were paywalled, please consider subscribing; there are four different levels to fit all budgets.  Or if that doesn’t work for you, please consider showing your generosity with a one-time donation; you can Paypal to maggiemcneill@earthlink.net or else email me at the same address to make other arrangements.  Thanks so much!

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[Forcing people to provide private] data…is dangerous, because it’s not a matter of if it will be breached; it’s a matter of when.  –  Caden Rosenbaum

Schadenfreude 

Yet another opportunistic fraud has been unmasked:

…the…[“]sex trafficking[” opportun]ist known as Eliza Bleu has broken into some of the top tiers of right-wing media in just a few years, growing her audience through…[claims that she is] “a survivor of human trafficking”…But now Bleu[‘s lies have been exposed by]…embarrassing images from her past…and…contradict[ions in her backstory from different] videos and interviews—and her frequent use of different names online…Now two former friends of Bleu [have come forward with more details which reveal]…that, at best, Bleu is exaggerating her experiences for attention…Carly Wenzel, a one-time pal…who has known her for two decades…added she believes Bleu is “completely lying”…

Lying Down With Dogs (#335)

What other country uses the term “prostitution” to criminalize consensual behavior the regime dislikes?

An Iranian court has handed jail sentences of more than 10 years each to a young couple who danced in front of one of Tehran’s main landmarks in a video seen as a symbol of defiance against the regime…Astiyazh Haghighi and her fiance, Amir Mohammad Ahmadi, both in their early 20s, were arrested in early November…Haghighi was not wearing a headscarf…women are also not allowed to dance in public, let alone with a man…The couple, who already had a following in Tehran as popular Instagram bloggers, were convicted of “encouraging corruption and public prostitution” as well as “gathering with the intention of disrupting national security”…they [were]…deprived of lawyers during the [kangaroo] court…and attempts to secure their release on bail [were] rejected…

Negative Secondary Effects

It usually starts with sex workers, but it never stops with us:

A bill introduced in West Virginia…aims to ban adult entertainment businesses from the state…The language of the bill is both borderline graphic and incredibly vague: it defines the body parts that stores are prohibited from showing in books, live performances, and films with meticulous specificity…but specific details on which businesses will actually be affected if this bill were to pass into law are left mostly undefined…Under th[e bill’s current language], a bookstore that sells [sex education books or videos]…would be considered an adult business…the terms of this bill could effectively make gay bars and nude modeling at art schools illegal…

Pyrrhic Victory (#1021)

This would be terrible even if the cops weren’t lying:

The…NYPD…is in the process of redesigning its fleet of p[igmobi]les, which will now have 360-degree cameras installed in them for constant [surveillance] of the [citizen]s…Po[rk] Commissioner Keechant Sewell…[lied] that…there are no plans to e[quip] the [cameras with] facial recognition technology…[but she bragged about]…an “augmented reality” app…will allow [cops] to point their smartphones at a location, such as a…[person’s home], and learn about things like wanted suspects or previous 911 calls connected to the address…

Creepy Coppers

The people the government empowers to police your sexuality:

A [Virginia cop named]…David Stone…is currently being held without bond a[fter being]…arrested on Jan. 25…[on] 50 child pornography charges…

Stupor Bowl (#1277)

It’s unsurprising that Arizona is still promoting this nearly-mummified fantasy with police violence against women:

Despite more than a decade of research, reports, editorials, magazine articles and even police accounts debunking the odious myth that the Super Bowl is a magnet for sex trafficking, this zombie lie remains catnip to local politicians, police and media ahead of Super Bowl LVII…But occasionally a little truth sneaks through the miasma of misinformation, as is the case with…Fox 10’s report bolster[ing] the long-disproven…hoax…it inadvertently reveals [that]…Phoenix Police…ha[ve] been regularly arresting unknown numbers of adults [under the pretext that they might be “]victims of sex trafficking[” and] allowing [prohibitionist] groups to proselytize them while in custody…If that sounds familiar, it should, because about 10 years ago, the PPD was involved in a similar, highly-controversial program with ASU’s School of Social Work called Project ROSE

The Mob Rules (#1307)

Tyrannical politicians are now competing to see which state can make adolescence most closely resemble a prison sentence:

A pair of bills in Utah would impose draconian requirements on social media platforms [under the pretext] of protecting children….social media companies would be required to verify the ages of all users from Utah, get parental consent before allowing someone under age 18 to open or maintain an account, provide parents or guardians of minors with “access to the content and interactions” of accounts maintained by their children, and…minors would be prohibited from using social media between the hours of 10:30 p.m. and 6:30 a.m…The bill would also authorize a[nyone, including bureaucrats]…to sue social media companies for [supposed] violations…

 

I find paywalls distasteful, and so many people find this blog valuable as a resource I just can’t bring myself to install one.  Furthermore, I find ad delivery services (whose content I have no say over) even more distasteful.  But as I’m now semi-retired from sex work, I can’t self-sponsor this blog by myself any longer.  So if you value my writing enough that you would pay to see it if it were paywalled, please consider subscribing; there are four different levels to fit all budgets.  Or if that doesn’t work for you, please consider showing your generosity with a one-time donation; you can Paypal to maggiemcneill@earthlink.net or else email me at the same address to make other arrangements.  Thanks so much!

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The Real Red Flag

My boyfriend of 3 yrs frequents local escorts and hookup websites and doesn’t erase his browser on our shared PC. I’ve confronted him about it and he threw the whole, “if you don’t believe me about not searching and what not then YOU have trust issues”.  He even said he didn’t even know what site I was talking about.  Lies.  What’s your take on this?  I want to trust him but this is a red flag.

Trust is not something that can merely be given; it must be earned.  And your boyfriend doesn’t seem to be making much effort to earn it.  While it’s certainly possible he’s just searching escort sites to look at the nude pics, it seems unlikely unless you know for a fact that he hasn’t got enough disposable income to actually hire escorts (and even then, it’s not like there isn’t plenty of free porn on the internet).  And the “hookup” sites don’t even have that catch.  Furthermore, while escort transactions are professional and therefore no threat to your relationship, the same cannot be said of amateur dating.  But whether he is or isn’t stepping out is far less important than what I see as the real red flag here: his apparent lack of respect for your intelligence and sense.  A guy who doesn’t erase his browser on a PC he shares with his girlfriend is either a fool or thinks his girlfriend is, and for him to respond to questions with weak denials tends to point toward the latter.  As for “If you don’t believe me something is wrong with you”, that tactic is such a classic of beginner gaslighting it probably appears in Chapter One of Partner Abuse for Dummies.

Look, if he was merely masturbating to porn, I’d tell you it was nothing to be concerned about.  And while it’s certainly possible that this is a similar fantasy-activity (because human sexuality is astonishingly varied and complex), his guilty reaction seems to hint otherwise.  As I said above, it’s not that he’s looking at other women, which is typical male behavior signifying absolutely nothing other than that he has a penis.  It’s that he reacted to your questions with lies and blame-shifting, which wouldn’t bode well even if it were about something other than sex.  In fact, I’m going to suggest you think about your other interactions with him; is this the only area in which he seems to be behaving dishonestly, or is it part of a pattern?  Because if you come to the conclusion that he cannot be trusted in general, not just about sex but about other aspects of your partnership, perhaps it’s time to consider whether the two of you may not really be right for one another.  Because while breakups are never easy, they’re usually a lot easier (and far less acrimonious) at the 3-years-living-together mark than at the 10-years-married-with-children mark.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

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Regular readers know that every Friday the Thirteenth, I ask those who aren’t sex workers to stand up for us.  If you’re one of them, you already know the sorts of things I’m going to say; if you aren’t, you can simply go back and read the essay for the August 2021 occurence, which contained quotes and links for every occurence of this particular day and date combination.  And if you value all the work I’ve done fighting for sex workers over the past 14 years, a concrete sign of that (via continuing subscription or one-time donation) would not only be deeply appreciated, but also provide vital resources for the continuance of that work.

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Reporters: could y’all please stop making claims about what politicians and bureaucrats “intended” some awful civil liberties violation to do?  One:  You are not fucking psychic and do not actually know what they intended; you just know what they claim, which for politicians means less than nothing.  Two: Nobody outside of a philosophy class should give a damn what was “intended”; if people’s lives are being ruined by extensive criminal records, sometimes before fucking puberty, the “intent” of those who inflict the police violence is of absolutely no consequence.  This “good intentions” shit is nothing but an excuse for evil, and anyone with the even the most basic education should be able to grasp this.  It’s not like we don’t all know the saying about the Road to Hell.

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People often use the titular expression as a generic expression of gratitude, but when I use it I mean it literally.  And by “you” I mean my loyal subscribers and readers who, even if they don’t actually subscribe, have always been generous when I ask for help with a specific expense, such as travel for speaking or a budgetary shortfall like the one I faced in the autumn.  Every month I see notice of incoming subscriptions from my stalwarts, some of whom have supported me in this way for the better part of a decade.  And when I ask for help with a specific goal, it rarely takes more than a few weeks to hit it.  I don’t know if that’s normal for blogs, but I do know that without that unflagging support this one would’ve folded years ago.  It’s not the hosting expenses; those are relatively small and I have no problem justifying them to myself.  No, it’s the sheer amount of work involved.  When I first started writing The Honest Courtesan, 40 was still visible in the rear-view mirror and I had years of pent-up anger and creative passion with which to drive my effort; now 60 is perceptible on the horizon and, as is the way of the world, my internal fires no longer  blaze as brightly as they once did.  If I thought nobody was reading this and few cared about my work, I would’ve closed up shop long ago.  But if there’s one thing being a whore has taught me, it’s that people value the things they pay for.  Whenever I receive a subscription notice or a contribution to one of my fundraisers, it sends me a message loudly and clearly: this reader cares about you and thinks what you’re doing is important.  And when I’m tired or feeling down, such gifts and their implied message give me a lift and keep me going.  There’s something beautiful, magical and a bit awe-inspiring about this kind of generosity; as I pointed out a couple of months ago, I haven’t paywalled this blog and I’m not going to even threaten to paywall it, because it doesn’t feel ethically right to me.  And yet, y’all give me what I need to be able to treat this as a part-time job without any kind of direct exchange or PBS-station-style-bribery on my part.  I can’t even begin to tell y’all how much that means to me; I’m not often at a loss for words, but my powers fail me when I sit down to try to express my gratitude.  In fact, I sometimes worry that y’all may feel I’m ungrateful or take all this for granted, and I cast about for some more concrete way to express it…only to realize that nothing I could come up with would express it any better than demonstrating my commitment to our implied pact by making sure that there’s a new post every day, and by reminding y’all that I’m only an email away if you need more direct (and, needless to say, discreet) advice or professional expertise.  But now my words are failing again; I feel the ones I’ve written here are woefully inadequate to express my feelings.  And yet, they’re the only ones I have, so I can only hope that y’all can sense the depth of emotion behind these all-too-limited sentences.

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