I’m in a serious relationship with an escort; when we met a year ago I was her client, and since I’m not the jealous type her job was not an impediment to our becoming lovers. I’m in my 40’s and she’s about the same age; she only started escorting after her divorce to provide for her kids. However, we don’t have a lot of sex anymore, and when we do it’s nowhere near as good as it was the first few months we were together. I would never ask her to quit her job, but she seems to have nothing left for me; she hasn’t even worn anything attractive at home since Christmas. I was married for 17 years before divorcing a few years ago because our physical relationship deteriorated, and I don’t want to be trapped in that same situation again, but when I bring sex up with my girlfriend it just leads to fights. I’m close to calling it quits and am desperate to find a solution.
One of the most important missions of my blog, if not the most important mission, is getting people to understand that sex workers are not intrinsically different from other people. The prevailing myth is that we’re “different” in some way, that we’re bad, flawed, broken, victimized, slutty or whatever; that is completely untrue. Sex workers are as different from one another as are people in the general population, and there is no one harlot personality profile; though some might like you to believe otherwise, our willingness to have sex for pay has nothing to do with relative sex drive levels, and we don’t have predictably-greater libidos than anybody else. I know it’s difficult for a man (except for one who has done sex work himself) to understand this; when you have sex it’s because you want to, and when you don’t want to you don’t have it. But though neofeminists are unhappy about it, the fact is that women have sex for lots of reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with desire, and that’s even more true for sex workers. A whore’s job performance has no more to do with sex drive than a waitress’s, teacher’s or nurse’s does.
What this means to you is that your lady’s job is neither here nor there in relation to the problem you’re having. While in general sex workers are probably much more likely to understand a man’s needs than other women are, people tend to have a blind spot regarding their own situations; one who can understand a problem in relation to others may be completely unable to see it in herself. Also, you said that she came to escorting later in life, long after her ideas about sex and love had formed; that makes it much less likely that she was unable to internalize the “whore’s-eye view”, and still looks at relationship sex as any amateur would. Her quitting would make absolutely no difference in her sexual response to you; she’s not uninterested because she’s having “too much sex” or she’s “satisfied” due to her work activities, and it’s a virtual certainty that things would be the same no matter what job she did.
You mention that you’re only recently divorced, and I suspect she hasn’t been single again for long, either; what this looks like to me is a “rebound” relationship. You both wanted to be with someone, and the other was convenient, but you may not be as compatible as your hormones have led you to believe. I think this calls for introspection on your part; it’s not a good sign that she’s lost sexual interest in you even before you’re married, and it’s not going to get better by itself. Though breakups are never pleasant, I think y’all both need to consider if you’re really right for each other, or if you’re just lonely and afraid to be alone.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
Pretty much spot on (I think) …
I don’t think it’s the job taking it out of her.
But … it could be her attitude toward the job. When I dated a hooker in my early 20’s … there was plenty of sex and sometimes she’d come home really revved up for it. Which was wonderful. And she enjoyed the job (it gave her a huge ego boost and she liked that feeling) – but there was a deep seated problem …
Deep inside – she thought something was wrong with her for liking the job. Not only that … but deep down she thought there was something wrong with ME for tolerating it and, even “getting off” on it. I asked her to marry me many times, because we were wonderful together – but she always said no. Reason was … she’d still have to work because I was a “poor boy” back then … literally, my paycheck was around $350 every two weeks. I had a part time job on the side as a bar bouncer – but that didn’t really make up for much. Bouncers don’t make any money. And, I could only work that job when my submarine was in port.
I THINK she really wanted to find a guy who could support her – so she could get out of the business, cold turkey. I suspect she eventually found him – though there’s no way she could have had a relationship with him better than the one we had.
If I were you … I’d sit down with her … give her a glass of wine … and say … “we need to talk”. Do it calmly but let her know … “Hey, I don’t know what to do … I don’t want to leave but I’m gonna have to … so if you have something you need to tell me, you need to tell me now.”
It could be some attitude that she has about the job. Maybe not – I don’t know. But I do think, in some women in this business, there is some unresolved conflict over the job. They can dress it up with a smile – but it may still lurk there below the surface.
I can REALLY relate to this because I’m a late to the game sex worker who is also dating my first client. We’ve recently had this very discussion. I can assure you that there’s an underlying issue here. Sexual desire is typically piqued when a woman (any woman) feels valued, attended to and adored. Have you been doing your share of the housework, taking her on dates, leaving notes or little gifts? Passion makes the pussy wet!
Clearly these two people saw something in each other. One of the tragedies of relationships is that the more people try to reach for each other then more they miss each other. The stereotypical response is to magnify ones self-protection, which tends to pull couples father apart. This is very evident in Maggie’s advice “I think y’all both need to consider if you’re really right for each other…” Hers is standard stereotypical psychiatric counseling of how to protect ones self from the offending party – perhaps an outgrowth of the good and evil religious concepts or libertarian I am a rock each person is separate and self sufficient ideology. While it is true some people can’t be in relationships or in relationships with certain people it is likely Maggie is simply wrong in the case!
The questioner’s relationship is complex by conventional standards (marriage and kids for life) and they are divorced. That may be more of an anomaly than the normative differing of professions within couples. Maggie provides insights as to how sex work is just work and closely bonded dependent human relationships are only tangentially impacted by the couples professions. The questioner’s baggage, his unproductive ways to demand an answer the question “Are you there for me?” are all evident. And she has her baggage and unproductive ways to demand an answer the question “Are you there for me?” This has nothing to do with sex it is about connection and bonding within and between a couple. This statement while as sexual metaphor one would guess has much deeper meaning about emotional need than sex “she hasn’t even worn anything attractive at home since Christmas” It seems more like a question of “How can we bond so we can take on all that confronts us?”
Stereotypical pastoral or psychological counseling is unlikely to help this couple reach for each other. Susan M. Johnson’s “EFT” “Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy” offers a worldwide consortium of certified EFT counselors. She has a self-help version called “Hold Me Tight”. Developed in an academic setting and tested by academic means. It has unparalleled quantifiable results for couples in distress.
Marshall Rosenberg’s “NVC” “Nonviolent Communication”, also has a worldwide certification of trainers, programs and books. Because NVC is not paid therapy one gets out of it what one puts into it. It is a vehicle by which people can be heard, understood and restore connection. His work unlike Johnson’s was developed in communities and tested through applied projects.
Both these approaches seem to reduce the dependence on reactions from the much older reptilian danger centers of the brain. Instead they engage the mammalian centers, which are highly developed in humans to find safety in connection, cooperation, support, and dependence on one another for the good of one and all. Humans stand out from other primates to become dominate world wild because we bond and through bonds collaborate. Perhaps the questioner’s question is “how do I and ‘my serious relationship with an escort’, ‘bond’ and ‘Be there for each other?” Both Rosenberg and Johnson offer direct ways to reach for and find each other. In other words create a safe productive bond or connection.
Both might say what this couple is doing right now is simply making unproductive or desperate attempts to secure their safety with each other through human bonds.
Well this will sound glib, but maybe the question writer should go back to being his partner’s client, or finding other escorts.
Once he’s getting more sex he can then think clearly about whether other aspects of the relationship are worth staying for.
Maggie is right, of course. The nature of her job does not mean that she won’t treat you like wives usually treat their husbands once they are firmly on the hook. Women compartmentalise their lives, fit people into roles. Once you have accepted the role of husband and bill-payer, the sex spigot gets shut off. Familiarity breeds contempt.
So: why not pay her for sex? You know – the actual folding stuff. If, for her, she has sex with people in the role of “customer”, then be a customer. But if you have to pay her for sex, then she does not automatically get the freebies that a gal usually gets from a hubby. She does not get a joint bank account, and is responsible for her own credit card bills.
Fair is fair.
If that doesn’t appeal, then the situation simply is that you are in the precise same spot now that you were with your ex when your relationship reached this stage.
Doctor: “Have you had this before?”
Patient: “Yes”
Doctor: “Well, you’ve got it again.”
It won’t fix itself. Hang on … girlfriend? You aren’t even actually married, and she has decided it’s ok to bring down the ban-hammer?
Dude, you’ve got your answer, and you’d be a fool to ignore it.
I think what people fail to understand is that for most people there is a “work” stance, i.e. some role they assume in order to perform their work. These are often very different from their real personality. So while a sex worker is in her “work” stance, she may appear to be all what people expect, like slutty, etc.,
while who she really is may be vastly different.
That does not mean that the work is unpleasant, merely that work requires you to fill one role, while private life ideally does not, or if it does, it is a different one. For most people, filling a role requires effort. That is one reason why we work only limited hours and need to recover from work. This is also one reason why said effort must be lower in private life (or absent), as it otherwise drains us.
It really boils down to that sex work is work and sex workers are just people like everybody else.
Re: Points by Lisa, Geoff and others
It seems Geoff (above) poses the question, “how does this couple create the safety within which they can explore their relationship?” At least that is an understanding of a much broader meaning of Geoff’s sex centered statement, “Once he’s getting more sex he can then think clearly about whether other aspects of the relationship….” What Geoff seems to be requesting is the couple time and take care for both parties to recognize their unmet needs that are destabilizing their relationship. This first step increases the likelihood they can then find their way forward by allowing their plastic human mammalian brains can operate to their fullest potential for connection, bonding and cooperation.
While sexual relations are metaphors for other components of intimate relationships such as connection, emotional interdependence, trust, presence, predictability: sexual relations are not the same as relationships. Life in relational community is more complicated than sexual function alone.
Religious counselor would say the couple just should forgive, move past this, trust in god and things will eventually be better. Maggie advice was possible breakup, considering the girl’s faults ” she came to escorting later in life, long after her ideas about sex and love had formed; that makes it much less likely that she was unable to internalize the “whore’s-eye view”, and still looks at relationship sex as any amateur would.” or they are both at fault it’s a rebound.
Like Maggie traditional couples therapists tended to find fault with one party. Ordering the one at fault to change and telling the other party to take protective measures. Historically turmoil decreased but couples disliked the altered their relationships as they become less connective to or supportive of each other (more distant, more disengaged form each other’s subjective reality).
Good grief the questioner’s “in a serious relationship with an escort” has kids (children plural). This couple in the best of relationships would have their hands, minds, bodies and household full of time-consuming loving conflict!
They need all the support they can get and them some. They are grappling every hour of the day how to meet their own needs and meet the needs of a diverse family in the context of an unusual work environment. It is almost impossible to reach for water when one is consumed by the fear of fire, of rejection, abandonment, disregarded requests, disrespect or misconstrued information.
First, be in the present, to see the humanity of each other. Both have to feel, understand how there emotions right now are signaling to them act in certain ways when their basic needs are met or unmet. It’s a learning curve of expressing those needs, want, and values and to understand both within themselves and by each other. Some call this recognizing ones own needs and caring for their own immediate needs before one can see the humanity of others, empathize with the others or simply the clinical term “de-escalation”.
Then after safety and mutual understanding take root the second step is where the couple starts to actually hear and see the impact they have on each other and are able to figure out how to change their painful conflict into everyday fundamental, strongly held disagreements, which they can happily live with.
One hears Lisa by speaking of her own sex worker situation, empathizing with the questioner’s escort (soul mate, partner, confidant, best friend,). Lisa said, “We’ve recently had this very discussion. I can assure you that there’s an underlying issue here…. when a woman (any woman) feels valued, attended to and adored. Have you been doing your share of the housework, taking her on dates, leaving notes or little gifts?” As neighbors we might be making a mistake it hearing her literally.
Lisa’s meaning might be a request, “I want a soul mate, a partner who is accessible, for connection, emotional dependence, trust, presence, predictable and is safe; not a danger queue.” Again we can only guess that perhaps her man like the questioner and his partner would want the same.
How can we make our neighborhood more conducive to embracing conflicts rather than walking away from them? How do we support Lisa and her partner and the Questioner and his soul mate? How do we as neighbors help them see and experience the humanity in each other and move away form terms like “underlying issue”, ” relationship with an escort”, “leaving notes or little gifts”, “she seems to have nothing left for me”, “I’m a late to the game sex worker”, “I don’t want to be trapped”, … “I am desperate to find a solution”. Are we so trapped by Calvinist or Libertarian ideology we can’t hear the longing to belong, be worthy, give and receive support, love, connection?
How do we help them bring stability to their lives and thus, our places of learning, our neighborhood, and our families? Do we help them bond as community or do we simply allow them to be advised they are without agency. Then with little information they told they are at fault, are incompatible in community?