I’m a 50-year-old, happily married man who values his marriage and would not change that for anything; however, I’ve fallen love with one of my co-workers. At first I thought it was just sexual attraction, and because she’s a lesbian I thought I was “protected” from developing any stronger feelings; that, however, was not the case, and once I really got to know her I was smitten. I’d appreciate any insight you can give.
People who believe that the human psyche and human culture are both the products of Divine ordination have either never fallen in love, or else they think God is a sadist. Alas, one of the sad by-products of human evolution is that people often develop very powerful sexual and romantic feelings for others that human culture says they absolutely shouldn’t be having those feelings for, and there is very little that can be done about it without causing a major scandal. The feelings themselves aren’t wrong; as Captain Kirk said to Charlie Evans, “There’s nothing wrong with you that hasn’t gone wrong with every other human male since the model first came out.” But though romantic literature has celebrated the pangs of unrequited love as a wonderful experience for over 600 years now, the truth is that it’s awful. And though both men and women can suffer from it, in men it’s mixed up with sexual frustration and the protective instinct and duty, honor and all that other glorious masculine craziness.
In a way, you’re very lucky that she’s a lesbian because it presents another barrier to your pursuing the tremendously bad idea of trying to make this go someplace it really can’t go (if you’re to remain happily married and gainfully employed). Dealing with the feelings, however, is another matter; the world is full of art, music, literature and other beautiful things created by men in situations not dissimilar to yours for the love of women they can never have. Even if you’re not the creative type, you can still borrow from their playbook by immersing yourself in your work whenever thoughts of your inamorata get to be too much to bear. For you, work itself presents a problem because that’s where you see her, but if you’re like most people the work you do for money isn’t the same as that you do for love; it’s the latter I’m suggesting you pursue more diligently. I made a Star Trek reference above, and that was not merely to lighten the mood: On those occasions when Captain Kirk actually did fall in love with some woman he couldn’t have, the Enterprise was always his antidote, because his love for his work was strong enough to eventually pull him away from his love for any woman. You need to find your Enterprise (or your music, or your novel, or your Sistine Chapel), the thing you care about deeply enough to pour your heart and soul into. It doesn’t make the pain of unrequited love (or any of the other slings and arrows of outrageous fortune) go away entirely, but it’s the best coping mechanism anyone has discovered yet. And in this world of pain and woe, I’m afraid it’s the best solace I can offer you.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
For some men … WOMEN are their Sistine Chapel. 🙁
Sure that you don’t mean NURSE Chapel? 🙂
Hahahaha! 😀
Well played, sir.
Nah. Kirk’s in the closet. Check out him and Bones in Wrath of Khan if you don’t believe me.
You are among the last people I’d expect to claim that men can only have strong emotional connection to other men if they’re gay.
Well … he wouldn’t let Spok’s brother read his mind so he could he could “remove his pain” … that’s pretty suspicious don’t you think? Like maybe he had something in there that he didn’t want other people to see? Maybe some wild drunken night in San Francisco (which incidentally is the HQ of Starfleet?)
Hmmmmm …
And he had THIS chick DEAD TO RIGHTS … but let her off the hook! WTF? LOOK AT HER! What hetero guy would let HER escape!!??
Well written… I think Ms. Maggie needs to start counseling the tumblr kids.
Not that they could read that entire essay.
*sigh*
-W
Been there, done that. I strongly recommend reading up on the older/married man younger woman syndrom, and yes, it is recognised as a official psychological syndrom. I passed on the chance, am still married, ten years later she has been in/out of probably 20 relationships.
I was emotionally naive, actually stunted, tho I had been married for over 20 years, and was a happy father of two fantasic children. I was of a generation taught to surpress emotion. She triggered memories of a previous, unfulfilled relationship that came when I was 20, and stressed beyond imagination with life in the military/war/foreign duty. I found myself projecting characteristics of the earlier woman into the later one, even though at a consious level I knew I was projecting, and that they might or might not be there. Trust me, the flood of emotions was overwhelming, it was the first time I probably allowed myself to truly feel.
I found the story of Mark Sanford, John Edwards, possibly Bill Clinton very familiar. Understand these guys were control freaks whose emotions took over. They were not experienced adulterers (tho the jury is still out on Clinton), it’s why they made such a mess of it.
Ten years later, I’m much happier as a person, am actually in touch with my emotions. Some of that will sound like BS psycobable, so be it.
I suggest taking your time, also keeping this to yourself. Virtue is not recognised in this, you will be abused for having ‘an emotional affair’ – basically a new angle for feminists to wack that nasty peepee. Hunt up info on the Single Woman, Married Man syndrome by Richard Tuch. When I read it, it all made sense.
You do that magnificently. That would be really helpful.