I recently went on a civilian date, and after some thought decided to tell the guy that I’m a sex worker. He seemed OK with it, but when we parted he said he had to ask his primary girlfriend how she felt before deciding whether to go out with me again. I told him I didn’t think it was cool for him to out me to his girlfriend; since they’re polyamorous anyway, she’s already agreed to his seeing other people and I can’t see how my profession should make any difference.
I personally have never dated men socially while actively whoring; the one exception was Matt, and he started as a client. So my answer is drawn from my sense of ethics rather than from my personal experience. In general, it seems to me that the proper schedule for telling a new relationship about anything controversial or potentially problematic would be the third date. I think the first date is just a bit too soon; if there’s no chemistry you probably won’t make it to the third date, and then there was no point in telling him about it. But if you wait much longer than the third date, it could be much more uncomfortable or even painful for both of you if the outcome isn’t good. I do realize that most people ask, “What do you do for a living?” within the first ten minutes of the first date (if not earlier), but I think you’re justified in bending the truth a bit so as to avoid the subject until a better time.
Regarding the second part of your situation, though, I think your judgment is exactly correct. If his girlfriend is all right with his dating amateurs, there’s no reason it should matter if he dates a professional; as we both know, the chance of STI exposure is far less with a whore, and I think it’s not too far a stretch to say that we are also more likely than even most polyamorists to treat the issue of multiple partners with good sense and maturity. Simply put, it’s none of his other girlfriend’s business what you do for a living, and if he insists on telling her despite your request to the contrary it could be an excuse to refuse a second date without having to admit his own anti-whore bigotry, a sign that he isn’t nearly as polyamorous as he pretends, or both.
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Gotta disagree.
Polyamorous doesn’t mean ‘anything goes’. I think it’s probably pretty safe to guess that at this stage of your relationship you don’t know what arrangements and assumptions exist between this guy and his ‘primary’ (and I’d guess she’s(?) his primary because that’s the relationship most important to him). If he thinks your profession may be an issue – whether that’s sex worker or merchant banker – then there’s a good chance it is an issue. Whether his (or his primary’s) concerns are rational to you or not is irrelevant. What matters is what they mean to them.
Given that, I think there’s a strong argument to be made that he has no right to out you without your permission. And the appropriate action to take if he doesn’t receive it would probably be to break off the relationship and meet any queries from his primary with something vague such as “we weren’t compatible”.
BTW, I hardly think there’s some kind of objective scale of ‘maturity’ in any form of relationship with whores at the top and the rest of us playing catch up. That’s just reverse bigotry.
However it might be reasonable to assume that professionals would be likely to have a different attitude towards multi-partner sex than others. It would also be reasonable to want to keep such an attitude out of your own relationship(s).
it is not logical but does seem to be true that a large portion of pro-sexuality people tend to be also anti sexworker.
“… If his girlfriend is all right with his dating amateurs, there’s no reason it should matter if he dates a professional; as we both know, the chance of STI exposure is far less with a whore,”
Regrettably, while that fact is available to anyone who wants to know, and while some of us who aren’t sex-workers of course do know so, much if not most of the general public still has the misconception that STI is more possible from whores.
Giving him benefit of the doubt by assuming his claim of needing to tell is partner isn’t a mere tactic for greasing his own exit, he may happen to expect or to know that his primary partner holds that misconception, so needs her approval before continuing.
As an open married for the last 15 years of a 35-year marriage, I second Cabrogal’s thought that NOT “just anything goes” among all polyamorous couples. Most of the couples with whom my wife and I are acquainted establish some set of boundaries and conditions. For us, the STI question underlies one of the primary. So, given the general public’s ignorance about professionals and STIs, he might be telling the truth.
I think polyamorists are just as likely to be prejudiced against sex work.
The main opposition people have against prostitution today is not the multiple partners, and not the idea of sex for pleasure. This is all good if done for love or for fun.
The problem is the idea that sex should have *some* special meaning and that when money is exchanged, it cannot have a meaning.
And also the assumption that if someone is doing that job there must be *something* wrong with that person, and better avoid them to avoid their problem.
I just don’t get why everyone is automatically buying into Maggie’s assumptions about what’s going on here.
Maggie has made it clear in various blogposts that she saw her relationship with her ex as an extension of her sex work. A sort of long-term GFE. I don’t think any less of Maggie (or whores in general) for that, but I sure know I wouldn’t want to get into a committed relationship on such a basis. I would hope that anyone I rejected for that reason – whether or not I chose to spell it out – wouldn’t feel the need to engage in the puerile exercise of projecting irrational or whorephobic motives upon me. That doesn’t strike me as the least bit sexually ‘mature’.
It’s just as valid to not want to commit to someone who has a particularly transactional view of sex as it would be for someone who has a particularly romantic or possessive one. Different people want different things and feel the need to avoid certain situations. That doesn’t make them bigoted or stupid.
But it wasn’t a committed relationship; it was just a casual dating relationship that could potentially turn into a poly secondary.
I was using both “committed” and “relationship” in the broadest sense of the terms. To me just saying “Hey, let’s meet up and fuck again” is a commitment.
But it’s the implicit suggestion it could be an entry point into an existing polyamorous relationship that I’m really talking about. If that’s what either, both or all participants are looking for and at least one of them is gonna veto it then it’s best to shut it down right away. But it might not be best to explicitly state why.
In regards to polyamory, something tells me that neither side of the cultural spectrum fully understands this subject. I mean, humanity wasn’t predisposed to be monogamous, and no amount of naiveté will change that fact. While I don’t have a high opinion of the philosophy of Cabrogal or ComixChik; this is one instance where I actually agree.
Thanks for that Shane. It sure is gratifying to be agreed with by someone who knows you’re a f*ckwit.
This is where I admit I may be prejudiced against whores.
I can’t help thinking I’d be a bit skeptical of someone who did sex for a job who told me they wanted a bit more on the side just for fun, no strings attached. It may just make me a bit worried about a possible hidden agenda.
Also, given the legal and moral situation you have over there I’d have a bit of sympathy for someone keen to avoid being in bed with a known sex worker when the cops kick in the door.
This right here. I’m sympathetic to drug use, but not in my house – I don’t need some jumped-up officious twat deciding to confiscate it as a drug den.
Similarly, the consequences for this guy and his primary gf. It’s an unlikely scenario, but let’s say the cops bust in after a tip-off from a nosy neighbour who doesn’t appreciate their lifestyle. The guy is suddenly a “pimp” running a “brothel” – ie. his home is now a fair target – and his primary gets to be likewise registered as a sex offender on nothing but the cops’ say-so and run through a re-education program. Or worse, if she refuses to roll over on her so-called pimp.
You live in a police state. There are consequences, they are arbitrary and capricious, and it bears unusual consideration. There’s an odd kind of dissonance when our admirable host continually points out how the organs of the state engage in exactly this kind of abuse on one hand, then gives advice as though the world were as it should be on the other.
No need even to bend truth.
Q: So, what do you do for a living?
A: I’m a consultant.
Q: Really? What field?
A: Physiological and psychological interactions among complex neuroanatomical systems.
To adapt a saying attributed to the great W.C. Fields: If they can’t handle simple unvarnished truth, then baffle them with bullshit.
Heheheh…my wife works part-time as a webcam performer. When asked by those-who-have-no-need-to-know-all what she does for income, we reply, “online customer service”.
While this one is pretty funny, here is another one: What is the difference between a consultant and a whore? Simple: There are things a whore will not do for money. (Caveat: I am a consultant. 😉
I love this post!
The poly crowd I run with is very sex worker positive and includes a number of men and women with sex work histories. My experience, over 50 years of being poly, is that polys are more open to other forms of sexual expression including sex work. A number of my lovers over the years and several people very dear to me have done sex work.
It does make sense to let at least one’s nesting partners know if one is dating a sex worker because sex work is illegal and strongly disapproved of. For the same reason I would let my other partners know if I decided to be sexual with someone who has HIV or dealt drugs, I would let them know if I was dating someone currently doing sex work because the risk spills over to them. One of the commandments of poly is no surprises. Transparency is important.
PS: It occurred to me the other day that the likely reason clients are being targeted along with sex workers is that there are many more of them. With minor marijuana arrests gone, police and prosecutors need a new bunch of people to arrest. Sex worker clients are ideal because they are as unlikely to protest their mistreatment as gay people were in the 1950’s.