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Archive for June 10th, 2025

Diary #780

Posted in Diary, tagged , , on June 10, 2025| Leave a Comment »

Two dear friends came to visit me on Sunday, and we had relaxing evenings that night and last night.  Since neither lives very close, this is the first time I’ve seen them since Grace died; in fact, the last time they were here was last August, and all four of us sat around the atrium high as kites and had a ball.  This time was a bit more sedate, as I expected, but despite my imbibing enough to considerably reduce my inhibitions, I didn’t cry much (except for once, a little, right at the beginning) and I don’t think I overwhelmed them talking too much about Grace.  But even if I had done, it wouldn’t have mattered to them; they both knew how much I loved Grace, and they both can see how difficult adjusting to life without her has been for me.  And one simple definition of a “friend” could be, “Someone who is there for you when you need them.”  In fact, that’s part of what made Grace so special; she was always there for me, so much so that I may have sometimes taken her for granted.  I believe some of the pain I’m feeling comes from a sort of nebulous guilt that I didn’t always show her enough how much she mattered to me, especially in the first half of the Teens when I was dealing with the dissolution of my marriage and my move to Seattle.  It’s not that she ever grumbled about it; though she was perfectly comfortable grumbling about everybody else who annoyed her, to her I was always “my little angel” who could walk on water.  I reckon part of me wishes I really could work miracles as she seemed to think, and that I could have somehow arrested or at least slowed the gradual collapse of her body, so that I could’ve had at least a few more years of her unflagging support and companionship.

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