After talking to a large animal vet back in November, I knew Jonathan didn’t have much time left, but I wasn’t sure exactly what the end would look like for him. He’s had a couple more of those fainting spells, but on those occasions I was able to help him up. But last week he was uninterested in his feed, then on Thursday our neighbor who borrows barn space from us came by and found him lying on the barn floor, refusing to get up. It was very obvious he was suffering, so the neighbor offered to have his son-in-law, who is good at such things, come over to put him down. A few years ago, we rented an earth-mover to do a few things, and Grace dug a big hole out front we were planning to use to put a transplanted rhododendron in. But due to miscommunication, she dug the hole much too deep, and due to other issues we never got the rhododendron, so we’ve had a pit large enough for a llama out there ever since. I therefore accepted the neighbor’s help, and he used his tractor to bury Jonathan in the pit. He had a good life, and it was his time, but it’s going to seem rather strange to have no llamas around for the first time in 20 years. And now that Trip and Speck are the only two beings left who moved here with me from Oklahoma, it does contribute to the strange yet not upsetting feeling that my world is contracting, as it so often does as we move slowly toward the day when we, too, must pass.
Archive for the ‘Diary’ Category
Diary #833
Posted in Diary, Philosophy, tagged animals, Grace, Oklahoma, psychology, Sunset on June 16, 2026| Leave a Comment »
Diary #832
Posted in Diary, tagged animals, Sunset, video on June 9, 2026| Leave a Comment »
This has got to be the most timid brood of pullets I’ve ever had. They’ve been completely out of the nursery for three weeks now, yet every morning when I check on them, they’re still perching in a tight little group on the roost with the turkey. So every day when I come back in the early afternoon to throw out some scratch, top off their water, and collect the eggs, I have to shoo them off the roost and out the door so they can at least start getting used to the adult hens. It isn’t like the hens are being aggressive to them, either; I haven’t seen a single instance of pecking. But within a few hours of my shooing them out, they’re back on the roost. So I reckon I’ll just need to keep on this way until they finally join the flock, which I’m hoping will happen at least by the end of the month.
This Too Shall Pass
Posted in Biography, Diary, Philosophy, tagged drugs, Grace, holidays, psychology, Sunset, Thanatopsis on June 5, 2026| Leave a Comment »
Trauma, like everything else, is typically effaced by time. The anniversary of the events of Memorial Day, 1995 still affected me deeply at the 24-year mark, but once I moved to Sunset full-time the following year, those old serpents began to grow quieter; last year they were overshadowed by the death of my best friend, and this year the anniversary was marked by little more than unpleasant memories despite spending it alone, which in the past was a bad idea. The weathering away of the aftereffects of trauma appears to have been mostly the result of a combination of time, therapy, and daily cannabis usage, but I can’t discount the contributions made by age, wisdom, and perspective. Those who fear mortality are fixated on the fact that all good things die, ignoring the fact that bad things do as well. Spiritual immaturity obsesses about the former to the exclusion of the latter, but the insight which comes in the fullness of time, assuming we allow it to, brings the realization that this is not only as it should be, but as it must be. And, if we’re fortunate, the recognition that this is not only good, but beautiful.
Diary #831
Posted in Diary, tagged Grace, psychology, STEM, Sunset on June 1, 2026| Leave a Comment »
What you’re looking at here is the ring which joins the plumbing of my hot tub to the heater; the flashlight is necessary because even in broad daylight it’s pretty dark in the basement. As I learned three years ago, when there’s a leak it’s typically because a two-dollar rubber o-ring needs replacement. But my body has aged considerably in the past three years, so it was much more tiring and unpleasant than it was last time, and I experienced nearly as much anxiety around the process as I did last time despite knowing exactly what needed to be done. That’s how it has been with nearly every technical problem since Grace died; even when it was something she could no longer do (like crawling under the floor or climbing up on the roof), I could rely on her technical expertise to guide me, and because I had faith in her ability I wasn’t as reluctant to attempt things I’d never done before (like welding a steel structure together). In contrast, I now experience considerable anxiety every time something technical needs doing; I even put off changing the main water-system filter for the entire last year because I was worried something might go wrong (I finally did it recently and of course it was fine). About 30 years ago my friend Frank said that tragedies are multiplied by the inconveniences they spawn, and I’ve had the truth of that ground into my heart every time I have a technical problem, because every time it does and she’s not there to fix it herself or tell me how to fix it, I am reminded of the huge Grace-shaped hole in my life.
Diary #830
Posted in Diary, Miscellaneous, tagged animals, recipes, Sunset on May 26, 2026| 1 Comment »
It’s that time of year when y’all are starting to get tired of pictures of chickens, so I instead present something completely different: pictures of eggs. A few years ago I was given four ornamental chickens by friends who decided to stop keeping poultry, and I’ve been surprised that elderly (they’re all at least 6) chickens not really bred for laying are nonetheless still laying more than the much-younger blacks, who have been extremely disappointing layers. One of the Ameraucanas is starting to peter out; she now lays only sporadic, tiny, vestigial eggs. But one of the blacks laid this enormous goose-egg-sized monster last week; I’ve included a normal large-grade egg and one of the vestigial eggs for comparison. On Friday night I decided to make eggs in a frame for dinner, and I used the giant (which turned out to be double-yolked) and three of the tinies (which had no yolk at all); that’s how I typically use eggs whose size grossly departs from the norm, because they’d throw off the amount of liquid in a recipe, but that doesn’t matter when one is merely cooking them straight. Plus it’s kinda fun.
Diary #829
Posted in Diary, tagged animals, Sunset on May 19, 2026| Leave a Comment »
Sunday was graduation day for the pullets. On Saturday night I left the nursery open, and when I went into the henhouse on Sunday morning only one of them was still in there; after shooing her out I removed the chick feeder, water bottle, heat lamp and timer, so from now on they’ll come and go with the other chickens, on a natural daylight schedule. It’ll probably be a few weeks before they start to follow the flock, and they’ll generally keep to their own clique until they start laying sometime in July. I can’t yet tell whether the turkey is a tom or a hen, but she’s bolder than the others because despite being two weeks younger, she’s already noticeably larger. But in any case, by September the hens will all be one flock (plus the turkey), and on the first day of autumn the timer-controlled heat lamp will go back on, and the cycle will begin again.
Diary #828
Posted in Diary, tagged animals, Sunset, video on May 12, 2026| Leave a Comment »
This has been a rather timid brood; though the turkey chick has been occasionally venturing out into the chicken yard since the first day I started opening the nursery in the daytime, it took over two weeks for the pullets to even begin venturing out at all. It was last Wednesday before I found them all out of the nursery for the first time, and the only reason they even went that far was that I moved their water bottle out. Then on Sunday I stopped refilling their bottle in the morning, forcing them to use the same water dispenser as the adult hens. I’ve also started to shoo them out of the nursery in the morning; they’re going to need to be out by Sunday, when they officially join the flock. The timer (which sounds unusually loud in this video) will be also put away then, to wait until the first day of autumn before it’s again put back in control of the heat lamp.
Sign of the Times
Posted in Current Events, Diary, History, Tyranny, tagged Bluesky, censorship, fascism, politicians on May 8, 2026| 3 Comments »
If you are on Bluesky, you’ve probably noticed that I haven’t been around for the past few days; that’s because on Tuesday evening, some moderator over there decided I was a bad girl who needed her social media taken away to teach her a lesson about offending Trumpists. I was scanning my timeline, getting ready to close the computer for the evening, when suddenly my screen sort of blipped and I was looking at a weird generic timeline, featuring stuff from nobody I follow; in the margin was a signin button. I thought it was odd and went to sign back in, only to be told my account was suspended for violating the ToS by “hate speech”, and my account would be suspended until the 9th (no time was given). They did tell me which post was the one which had provoked their fit of pearl-clutching; it was one which stated that Trump’s poll numbers were not yet bad enough, illustrated by this picture: 
I’ve used the same picture with a similar statement literally dozens of times, with absolutely no pushback, so it’s obvious that what actually happened was mass reporting by a gang of Trumpists offended by my being mean to their god-emperor. But given that in the past Bluesky has been fairly resistant to that sort of thing, this rings an alarm bell for everyone using the site; it means not only that they’re now trying to establish more rigid censorship, but that there are now enough Trumpists over there to make a reporting-gang. Bluesky’s block function is very aggressive; blocked accounts can’t see the blocker to engage in retaliatory reporting. I’ve subscribed to several MAGA blocklists, to preemptively close off this exact risk, but clearly that is no longer sufficient because there are enough stealth Trumpists around (who haven’t yet been blocked) to organize a gang.
I have no suggestions about avoiding this, other than pointing out that the picture having actual dead people in it is probably what they took exception to. I’m merely pointing out that mass reporting has obviously made it to Bluesky, and the Trumpists have access to the weapon. According to their official email my account should be back sometime tomorrow, which means a ton of playing catch-up, and alas, the retirement of this useful image.
Diary #827
Posted in Diary, tagged animals, Sunset on May 5, 2026| Leave a Comment »
At this time of year, the chickens tend to dominate the animal news in these diary columns, but they’re not really doing anything right now; this has been a rather timid brood, so I’m currently engaged in trying various maneuvers to coax them out during the days, so they’re used to it before I kick them out of the nursery for good a week from Sunday. Axel is doing well; as of Friday I cut his trazodone in half again, down to 12.5 mg/day, a mere 3.125% of the dose he started with at the end of November. The only really noticeable difference in his behavior is that he seems a lot more attention-starved since I cut him down to 25 mg at the beginning of April, but I’m sure he’ll adjust, and I hope to have him off of the meds entirely by the end of spring. Last Saturday I caught Lilith sunbathing on the atrium roof, but by the time I got downstairs to grab my phone and back upstairs, she had decided to get up. She has become the main pest control cat now that Rocky is getting old (I believe he’s ten now), and I often see her ranging around the area, from the roof to the atrium to the basement to the paddock, and even out on the driveway. Several times a week I find that she’s left me tribute of a dead mole or mouse, and last Friday I went out in the morning to find a rather large and rather dead rat right in front of my boots; I’m glad she rids me of vermin, but I must admit it was a bit startling to encounter a dead rodent nearly as large as my foot before breakfast. The only real complaint I have is that I wish she wouldn’t devour birds in the atrium, because it leaves a mess of feathers sprinkled with unidentifiable but definitely avian offal that I then have to vacuum up. I was concerned she might attack the pullets, but they’re nearly as big as hens now so I think they’re safe, even though I’ve actually found her in the henhouse a few times.
Diary #826
Posted in Diary, tagged animals, Sunset, video on April 27, 2026| Leave a Comment »
Though I’ve opened the nursery every morning for over a week now, the pullets are still largely uninterested in coming out yet. This is not unusual; there was a flurry of activity on the first day which resulted in one of the pullets going missing, but since then they have stayed where they feel safe. That includes the missing one; Wednesday I needed to drive into Seattle, so I planned to let them stay in the nursery that day. But when I went out to check their food and water, whom should I find wandering around the chicken yard but the missing pullet, very hungry and very vocal, but otherwise none the worse for wear. I was able to catch her and put her in with the others, and there she has stayed since. I have no idea where she went; I spent over an hour looking for her the day she vanished, to no avail. My best guess is that she managed to get through the narrow gap under the ramp and had been hiding under the house for three days; even though I crawled under there with a flashlight as part of the search, it’s a large area and even a thorough, hours-long search wouldn’t have sufficed to peer into every space under there large enough for a pullet. I’m just glad I didn’t lose her, and choose to view her mysterious return as a good omen for this year.
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