Truth would quickly cease to become stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it. – H.L. Mencken
In my column of September 18th I told y’all about Ralph, who “was one of the most singularly unattractive people it’s ever been my misfortune to meet; he had odd, asymmetrical features, a serious case of acne, greasy hair, terrible posture, a high, shrill voice, pungent body odor and irritating mannerisms. As if that weren’t enough, he wore ill-fitting and unfashionable clothes and was wont to show off his high mathematical intelligence.” He was a virgin and asked me for advice on how to get girls to like him, but wouldn’t accept anything I had to say! Several readers expressed an interest in knowing the rest of Ralph’s story, and I promised to tell it sometime this month; since one year ago today I published my column about Linda and her many idiosyncrasies, I figured it was as good a day as any to introduce you to several more eccentric New Orleans characters. I promise that, with the exception of the obligatory name changes and a few details edited so as to simplify what would otherwise be an incredibly lengthy and complicated story, what follows is the absolute and unvarnished truth; one simply can’t make stuff like this up!
As I reported previously, all my friends got to know Ralph, and he especially grew to admire my cousin Jeff, of whom I’ve written many times. It probably won’t surprise you to hear that after rejecting my counsel, Ralph decided to ask Jeff…who promptly suggested he ask me instead. Ralph explained that he had asked me, and when Jeff asked what I had told him and received the answer, he told Ralph that it all sounded like good advice to him. Jeff didn’t tell me how Ralph reacted to that, but one can imagine. Still, it seems to have sunk in a little; his hair soon became noticeably less greasy and more neatly groomed, and he must’ve found an anti-perspirant which better agreed with his body chemistry. But other than that, he was still the same nigh-hopeless case and his complaints about his virginity grew ever-bolder until everyone in our circle was sick of hearing it. Then one day, Jeff and I had a conversation which went something like this:
“What are we going to do about Ralph?” he asked.
“We?” I replied. “Please don’t tell me you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking!”
“Well, he wouldn’t be the first mercy fuck you’ve given.”
“Yes, but…you don’t understand. It won’t stop with just sex; he’ll get attached, and I’ll never be able to get rid of him. There’s no such thing as ‘no strings’ with needy guys like that.”
He realized I was right, but a couple of days later I mentioned the conversation to Philippa and to my surprise, she volunteered to break him in. I asked if she was sure, and reminded her of his clinginess, but she pointed out that her being ten years older than him, a divorced mother and a grad student who lived out in Kenner would make him less likely to attach to her than to me. The theory was good, but neither of us had allowed for Ralph’s self-defeating obstinacy; rather than gratefully accepting her kindness, he insisted on trying to negotiate MSOG and multiple hours! This of course infuriated Philippa and she withdrew the offer. Next, one of Jeff’s friends set Ralph up with a “sure thing” from the friend’s home town in Mississippi; he did go out with the girl, but (for some reason which nobody could adequately explain to me) that didn’t work out, either. Then one of my high-school girlfriends met him and decided to turn him into a “project”…also to no avail, though I think that was more her fault than his because she was notoriously flaky.
By this point, I had left the dorm for an apartment of my own and turned my very first trick; it was the spring of 1985 and one lovely Friday afternoon I was over at Jeff’s (there were no classes at UNO after noon on Fridays) when there was a knock at the door. I couldn’t believe what I saw when I opened it; there was Ralph, soaking wet and reeking of beer, with a giggling blonde hanging on his arm. He asked Jeff if he could take a shower and borrow a change of clothes, explaining that the girl (whom I‘ll call Lily) had spilled beer on him at an engineering department keg party (Jeff lived only half a block off campus, but Ralph lived miles away with his parents). Before too long he was clean and they departed, and I said to Jeff, “You’re not going to believe this, but that girl is sweet on Ralph.”
“She told you that?”
“She didn’t need to. Wasn’t it obvious?”
He had to admit she seemed remarkably affectionate toward Ralph, but he could scarcely credit his impression because this girl was seriously hot. I am not exaggerating; she had lovely legs, flawless white skin, a tiny waist, a beautifully-shaped bottom and enormous natural mammae. Her face wasn’t gorgeous but it was pretty enough considering everything else, and she certainly seemed fun-loving if a trifle indiscreet. I was certain she could’ve had any man in the science or engineering departments she had wanted…but for some reason she wanted Ralph.
Soon they were doing everything together, and though I quickly discerned that she was using him to get away from an abusive boyfriend, that hardly seemed to matter because she was giving him sex, and quite a lot of it as I understand. She made no secret of being a masochistic submissive, and that made sense in light of my impression that she had chosen Ralph not in spite of his repellent characteristics but rather because of them (though his clothing and complexion dramatically improved under her influence). It could’ve been a match made in heaven, except for one thing: as time rolled by, it became increasingly obvious that Lily was a psycho. Her friendly, even giddy façade soon peeled away to reveal a narcissistic, obsessive, jealous, amoral, thoroughly dishonest and possibly delusional bitch. She was also incredibly manipulative; I was not yet familiar with the term “topping from the bottom” but she sure taught me what it meant as she played Ralph like a violin. Within months she had managed to get him thrown out of his parents’ house, and because Jeff had a spare bedroom he temporarily took them in until they could find a place of their own.
By this point I found Lily repulsive; her horrible personality had destroyed any attraction I had felt to her, and her face was now always so twisted with anger and malice toward me (presumably because I was another beautiful girl Ralph liked) that I almost forgot I had ever seen her as pretty. But one afternoon during their brief stay at Jeff’s I learned a lesson I have never forgotten about the effect of personality on beauty. I had come over on some errand, and found her asleep on the living room couch; to my amazement, she had the face of an angel. In slumber, she was untroubled by whatever demons drove her while she was awake, and her face relaxed into its natural and lovely contours. But when she was awake that same face was twisted by her poisonous emotions into an ugly mask; the transformation was as profound as something one might see in a horror movie. To this day I remember that moment every time some feminist whines that it’s better to be valued for intelligence than beauty.
There’s not much left to tell; Lily led Ralph from bad to worse. He was expelled from UNO for stealing expensive lab equipment (to pay Lily’s bills), and she drove a wedge between him and his friends and family; the two of them even spread nasty rumors about people who had never offered them anything but kindness. A couple of years later I heard through the grapevine that they were still together and had good jobs, and then sometime in the early ‘90s Frank and Olivia (Frank had met Ralph before) ran into them at a Halloween party thrown by a certain famous New Orleans horror writer; Frank said that though they didn’t mention me, they were still badmouthing Jeff many years after having last seen him. This didn’t really shock me because it was obvious from early on that Ralph was starting to take on Lily’s personality characteristics; as I explained their story to Jack (whom I hadn’t met until about a year after Ralph’s expulsion), I remembered something that Jeff used to say about him: “Ralph is a minor character in his own life.”
Quite a story. Sounds like Lily had dependent personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. For those of you who don’t know, you can have two personality disorders at once, just as you can have coronary artery disease and cancer.
There’s a moral here: Some people are beyond help. I praise you and your friends Maggie for taking such an interest in someone you found repulsive. That
was very humane.
I don’t want it to sound like Ralph had absolutely NO redeeming characteristics; he was actually nice in his weird way until Lily ruined him. I think most circles of friends have someone kind of like him, one who doesn’t quite fit but is tolerated until and unless he does something to royally piss everyone off.
I was that person. I didn’t realize it for a while. When I found out that I was merely tolerated, rather than liked or respected (at least by most of the people I counted as friends), I was crushed.
Angry and betrayed, as well, but mostly crushed.
It’s not much fun to be that guy. Though Ralph’s fate is obviously not one to emulate, I can easily imagine that getting attention and feeling needed, even from and by a psycho, might well be preferable to spending time with people who pity you.
In other words, I don’t think it’s obvious that Ralph was less happy with Lily than without her, and I don’t think it’s obvious that he OUGHT to have been.
I’m sorry to hear you were ever in that position, Cynic. Human relations are so complicated; one the one hand we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, but only the other hand it’s hard to like someone with an abrasive yet needy personality, so what does one do? If one accepts him as a friend it’s a kind of tolerance, but if one rejects him as one’s instincts demand it’s cruel. If Ralph had been able to tone down his superiority complex, to learn to be less selfish and to STFU about his virginity it might’ve been different but unfortunately he couldn’t, so everything had to be a dance of manners with him. Was he more happy with Lily than without? Very possible; I just wish she hadn’t felt the need to get him expelled and disowned.
guinevereschampion wrote: “There’s a moral here: Some people are beyond help.” Very few people are beyond help; it’s just that most people with mental illness refuse to get help.
Marla, I think that’s a pretty doubtful statement. My experience has been that most people with symptoms of mental illness severe enough to impact on their life are quite happy to get help. Granted, I’m biased, as I’m a doctor and automatically see the ones who request help and not the ones who don’t – but, still, if most people refuse to get help for mental illness, why are there so many people on antidepressants or seeing counsellors?
And it doesn’t sound as though Lily had mental illness. As guinevereschampion pointed out, it’s possible that she had personality disorder, which is a different thing, and not very amenable to help.
Dr. Sarah,
I take back what I said about mental illness. I’m old now and sometimes type entire phrases in a fog. I was discussing personality disorders., and I did qualify my statement about being beyond help. They are stubborn, though.
“Cameron has never been in love — at least, nobody’s ever been in love with him. If things don’t change for him, he’s gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she’s gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won’t respect him, ’cause you can’t respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn’t work.”
— Ferris Bueller
Also – I think I once dated Lily in Hawaii … or a clone of hers. But in my case, she let me off the hook!
That’s an extremely apt quote! 🙂
I second what guinevere’schampion said, it sounds as if Lily was/is a BPD case and that she “stuck” with Ralph because every other guy with enough self-love and self-respect would have fucked and chucked her. I would say that there is a high correlation between “nice” emasculated guys and mentally ill/psychopathic women. The sad thing is is that it’s likely that Ralph will eventually come to regret settling with her.
BTW I love the vampire use in this post as well as the not-so-subtle mention of a certain female horror writer! 🙂
Well, it is Halloween season, after all! 😉
And yeah, I later discovered that Lily’s awful personality was well-known among science and engineering grad students.
This should also serve as a cautionary tale for those, male or female, who think that prostitution much be a wonderful job because you get to have sex all the time. Not all of your clients are going to be hunky stud-muffins. Maggie considered de-virginizing Ralph as an act of mercy, but when you’re a hooker, de-virginizing Ralphs is part of your job.
True, a girl doesn’t have to accept every would-be client who comes along, but if you limit yourself to hunky stud-muffins…
Maggie has made it clear that there are wonderful aspects to the life, but she’s also made it clear that it isn’t for everyone, and I suspect this is one of the reasons.
Maggie, please let me know if I am wrong.
I think a hooker is exactly what Ralph needed though – or an older woman.
My first experience was with a 35 year old divorcee when I was working as a pool boy in high school for my uncle. We put an in-ground pool in for her and she contracted us for maintenance.
She was attractive (even though she was only a few years younger than my Mom – which was a thought I had to work hard to “block”), and very nice, and she asked me once if I had ever “had” a girl. I don’t know why I told her the truth – usually I lied about it – but I told her … “No Ma’am”. A few weeks later – she set a “trap”, which I was happy to fall into. 🙂
The good thing about was … it lasted less than ten seconds (I’m not even kidding) and I was really disappointed – but she pointed out that was normal for the first time and she also told me I’d be able to continue. So we continued for about three hours until I was pretty comfortable and the “newness” of the experience had worn off.
It only happened once with her too – I tried to move on her again several weeks after that and she said … “Nope, I’m too old for you … go find a girl your age – you know what to do now.”
She handled me very well.
This woman wasn’t a hooker – but I’m sure some hookers have done similar good deeds for inexperienced boys, as I was.
I think Philippa would’ve been perfect to break Ralph in; she was 28 at the time and extremely experienced (she had even turned a few tricks now and again when she needed the money). But alas, he screwed the pooch on that one with his ridiculous demands.
You’re not wrong; a lot of clients are pretty unpleasant to be with, both physically and psychologically. As I used to tell my husband, some calls are so easy they’re not even like work, and some are as hard as anything I’ve ever done in my life; most fall in the broad territory in between.
My 1st date with a sex only friend was PURE HELL! He and I didn’t do much sexually because his work pager went off (which I was VERY thankful for in the long run!), but, to be honest, if his pager hadn’t gone off I would have asked him to leave. Maybe I shouldn’t even say “sex only friend” about him because he hadn’t YET become 1 of those on our 1st date. But, I had what I call my “guarantee” from the beginning which was I’d have sex with you if you answered my ad or I answered yours and we then met in person. He told me that he only kissed “special people” and that was “reserved for special people only”. He complained that I had cats (2 at the time), had lit candles, made “too much noise” during the stuff we did (he said “the neighbors will hear!”) and hated the X rated video I picked out to play before we did anything. WHAT A GUY! My self-esteem WAS better at that point in time, but it still needed work. If this happened NOW I wouldn’t have let him stay long at all. When he left he said he “needed to think about” seeing me again. The ONLY thing he didn’t complain about was the sexual stuff we did (lol) except for the “noise” I made. But, I wouldn’t give up on my quest to find other friends after my HELL DATE. I’m so glad I stuck it out because after many tries, I found what I wanted: men who wanted to see me whenever they or I were in the mood, didn’t lie to me as far as I could tell and had basic manners. I never met anyone who wasn’t clean (including my HELL DATE) and am thankful for this. Also never met anyone who refused to use a condom.
Laura, your first sex only friend was so rude and critical, and yet you still enjoyed the sexual activity enough to make a lot of noise? This reminds me of when I used to be turned on by men who weren’t nice to me. I’m glad to say I outgrew that.
I was hoping for a happy ending for Ralph, but I’m not surprised. He will probably regret the relationship he got himself involved with with Lily. She most likely will always be a harridan who will abuse him and cut him off from family and friends in order to control him. She is also highly likely to leave him and strip him of his assets and children if there are any after thoroughly emasculating him. Sadly, there are so many women like this in the USA that I don’t reccommend men getting married especially considering that the law will most likely back her(s). Then idiots will say prostitution is bad. Prostitution for men is almost always emotionally easier to deal with and it’s often enough, but not always financially chaeaper too. Even knowing how to seduce women and know what you’re doing with them this can often if not mostly be said.
Ralph would be a lot better person today if his first lay had been a hooker instead of a psycho. Too bad.
Sex should be like owning a gun – you need to have a professional show you how to safely use it.
I’m serious – kids get very little good information on sex. We just kind of expect them to figure out how to walk the high wire on their own without a net. The results aren’t pretty … marriage at an early age, unwanted pregnancy, disease … even sexual disfunction.
A 17 year old boy isn’t the ideal person to teach a 17 year old girl about sex – and vice versa.
Would be so much better if a 17 year old boy got a special “present” on this birthday – a professional who would teach him the right way, how to be safe, and how to treat women with the proper respect. Someone who could remove the “mystery” of the act from his mind and make him more relaxed toward it.
Been puttering away at this story since the Surgeon General was named Joycelyn Elders. As much time as I spend here, you’d think the chapter on prostitution would write itself, but nope.
groups.yahoo.com/group/Future_Sx_Coach_Michaels
Just approved two new member, one from here!
I’m somehow reminded of the “Sex Ed” scene from Monty Python’s “the Meaning of Life.”
I just looked that up, and it’s not completely off. Except that Harold Michaels wouldn’t be such an obnoxious… teacher. And his class is full of teenage girls instead of boys (the amazingly blush-prone yet somehow brave Lisa, the kinky senior, Rita, and the over-eager little 8th grader, Amethyst).
It was funny, though. I’m going to have to resist having Coach say, “…and for the penis to haaarrr…. DEN.”
😉
You too Bando’blue. You are Irish, right?
“Give the girl a kiss, boy, no need to leap straight for the clitoris.”. Classic.
I don’t know what it’s like for women, but I know that for men, a woman’s personality and character can influence how he perceives her appearance. I’m not just talking about what you were talking about — where someone’s character can influence their objective looks. This is very subjective. The first time I met a good friend, I didn’t think she was attractive. Now when I see her, she looks very pretty, even though our relationships is purely platonic. And I’m somewhat shocked when people who don’t know her tell me she’s not attractive. By the same token, I know several women who are objectively pretty, but look very unattractive to me because of their character. (This is nicely shown in the movie-length version of Cashback: the character’s love interest looks kinda pretty at first, but glamorous by the end. This is not because of the Hollywood BS “hot girl with hair pulled back” crap, but a clear artistic choice to show how he perceives her.)
It’s even more so for women; I would say the majority of a man’s attractiveness is due to his personality rather than his objective looks. In some cases (such as Philippa and I) women aren’t even able to tell you whether they think a man is “good-looking” until they have seen what his personality is like. A fine example of that happened right here in my column recently; I had never seen the Dirty Jobs television show and so had no idea what Mike Rowe looked like except for a small photo on the web page where I found the essay I featured in my column of October 7th. But having read that essay and written the column, when I went searching for a picture of him to illustrate that column I found him a very attractive man. Would I have reacted the same way had I never read his essay and found out about his speaking up for workers? Probably not. And if I had encountered him posturing and preening as a male stripper I would’ve considered him downright repulsive.
I think that personality making or breaking the attractiveness factor is essentially true. However, I think there is a baseline objective attractiveness that needs to be met or exceeded. There are men who I can objectively say are handsome, good looking or hot, but until he opens his mouth & gives an opportunity to get to know his personality – that’s about all I can say.
Personality includes so many things; I am attracted to intelligent and competent men in addition to good looks. If a man is less than gorgeous, but is smart, funny, kind, etc. it makes up for so much. Conversely, (or perversely) a man could be the funniest, smartest, more kind hearted person in the world, but if he’s deformed or something, I’m not likely to find him attractive.
Someone should draw a flow chart better explaining this.
It seems a LOT of women find Mike Rowe hot. He seems a good man, so I say good for him.
While looks and physique are part of the initial attraction, it’s persona (intelligence, wisdom, kindness and empathy) that wins out in the long run, because those characteristics persist, and can absorb a whole lot of plain, if you ask me.
Maggie, do you think its fair to say that, far from buying a prostitute’s time, we are maybe incentivising her to “suspend her choosyness” for an hour or so?
Poor Ralph, his ego got the best of him.
He might have had a decent life if only he had shut up and gone with Philippa.