A knyght ther was, and that a worthy man,
That fro the tyme that he first bigan
To riden out, he loved chivalrie,
Trouthe and honour, fredom and curteisie. – Geoffrey Chaucer, The Canterbury Tales (Prologue 43-46)
As I’ve stated before, I’m often inspired by other bloggers; I’ll read a column and then use it as a springboard from which to go off in a slightly (or even completely) different direction. The most recent example of this was my column for March 18th, which was inspired by a February 27th essay of Dr. Laura Agustín’s. Interestingly, the mind of another person who read that column went in the same direction as mine did, imagining the KKK (Kristof, Kara and Kutcher) as Don Quixote-like figures tilting at windmills. But while I understood this to be my own train of thought which was merely set in motion by Dr. Agustín’s essay, this other person seems to have convinced himself that the metaphor actually appeared in her text (which it doesn’t). And while I understood the comparison to be an apt and truthful one, Robert Benz of the Frederick Douglass Family Foundation was enraged by a woman ascribing agency to prostitutes and daring to question the right of men like the triple-K to “rescue” them against their will. She published his letter in her column of March 9th, and in the comment thread following it we discussed our slightly divergent views of chivalry. As I explained there, my own thought on it evolved like this:
I was a voracious reader of fairy tales, adventure stories and such as a child, and I’m sure it’s colored my thinking so that I tend to think of knights-errant as saving damsels from actual distress rather than voluntary situations they defined as distress for their own purposes. I fully realize that such situations were as rare then as they are now, but suspect that there were very few actual knights-errant in any time period, and more stories about fictional ones.
I’ve also written at length about my favorite cousin Jeff, who certainly thought of himself as a knight; unlike Kristof and Kara, however, he fully understood the difference between women who wanted (and asked for) help and those who did not, and even lectured me more than once about interfering in the lives of people who didn’t want my “help”. So I think my perception of “real” knighthood was influenced by him as well, and he became the standard to which I have compared all other men to this very day.
Some of you may feel that my perception of Jeff was (and is) colored by my love for him, and that’s certainly true; he was by no means perfect. But both he and his closest friends were unusually noble, chivalrous men who really tried to live up to their ideals as much as any mortal can; in my column of one year ago today I mentioned that my ex-husband Jack “once said he would trust Walter to sleep in the same bed with me,” and he felt the same way about Jeff. Some of you have noticed that I’m very generous with my advice and assistance, and if I learned that from anyone it was Jeff; I remember riding along on a number of quests, missions and errands of mercy, often for strangers or near-strangers. For example, he once went with Philippa to help one of her co-workers move. He had never met the woman, and never saw her again after that day, but I remember the disapproving words he had for a group of people from her Christian church who only agreed to help if she bought them lunch, and even then worked only half as hard as he did (what makes this even more ironic is that he was an atheist).
Nor was he lacking in the department of knightly courage; once I saw him put himself in serious danger on another stranger’s behalf. In the early 1980s Lakeshore Drive was the most popular teen hangout in New Orleans, and every Friday and Saturday night throngs of young people parked or cruised along practically the whole length of the avenue. Well, one night (I think it was in May of 1985, so I was 18 and Jeff was 21) a small group of us were sitting in the back of one friend’s pickup, talking and enjoying the lake breeze, when we heard a commotion and saw a young guy (I reckon about 17) running toward us, being chased by a half-dozen others. It did not look like a game; he seemed genuinely afraid and already had a bloody lip, and nobody from the other parked cars seemed inclined to help him until he got to us. Without hesitation, Jeff – who was only 5’11” and perhaps 170# – stepped out between the pursuers and the pursued and said something like, “I don’t know what this guy did to piss you off, and maybe he was even in the wrong. But I’m not going to sit here and watch six against one, so let’s make it six against two instead.”
All around us there was a hush; people were turning their radios down to hear what was going on, and some of the other young men nearby looked as though they might join in if a fight did erupt. But it didn’t; the pursuers mumbled a few lame excuses and then started back in the direction they had come. Perhaps they figured Jeff was a black belt, or that he was armed; perhaps they thought his example might galvanize thirty other young men in the immediate vicinity to gang up on them instead. But whatever the reason, the result was the same; his action had saved a complete stranger from what looked like it might be a serious beating. We never did find out what the quarrel was about; the rabbit had taken advantage of the distraction to run, and had fled without giving an explanation.
“The least he could have done was to thank you,” I said indignantly.
“I helped him because it was the right thing to do,” he replied. “If you only help somebody because you want his gratitude, you’re doing it for the wrong reason.” I’ll never forget that night, nor his words, and I’ve tried to live by them ever since. Maybe that’s old-fashioned and idealistic, but in the face of such an example could I do less? Though he might disapprove of my sharing this story, he’s not exactly in a position to stop me from telling it. And in my humble opinion, the only men who truly deserve praise are those whose praiseworthy actions are performed neither for public recognition nor hope of rewards in heaven (which Jeff did not believe in), but merely because they are right.
One Year Ago Yesterday
“An Island of Sanity” demonstrates the fallacy of popular American political mythology by presenting a case in which Kansas Republicans derailed a bipartisan attempt to restrict women’s sexual rights.
Your cousin, Jeff sounds like an awesome dude. 🙂
My definition of “chivalry” is right in line with yours, Maggie.
Here’s a comparison though – a real knight saves the damsel by killing the dragon.
A “faux” knight – like Kristoff … doesn’t kill the dragon. So when the damsel tries to sleep with someone in exchange for a sword to kill the damn thing on her own – the “kristoffs” run off with the sword and leave the damsel to face the dragon with bare hands.
It’s really what they do. Women mostly get into the business to make money – because they need money. In a lot of cases we’re talking about women from poor countries that don’t make a make even a living wage. So they find a way to correct this situation by working in a rich country as a sex worker. But, Kristoff – he don’t like this – so he tells her to go home to the hell hole she lived in.
He’s got NO solutions to her problem – and he removes her options for correcting them on her own.
OT but …
LOL – These clowns … now it really IS a war on women …
http://www.lifenews.com/2012/04/10/catholic-cardinal-a-sin-to-cooperate-with-obama-mandate/
Now it’s a SIN for a catholic hardware store owner to provide health insurance that covers contraception to his employees. THAT’s NOT what this started out as. It was originally about the RCC itself having to provide that kind of insurance. Which, I’m just so pissed about this you wouldn’t believe, these balless Cardinals who are now trying to enlist the entire congregation and telling it’s members to disobey the law because the Cardinals don’t want to take the heat for disobeying themselves.
I’m 200% against ObamaCare but we’ve never had a problem with individual employers not providing contraception on religious grounds. The RCC? Yes – but not Joe the Hardware Store Owner.
Problem is … I’m still marginally anti-abortion and wondering when the good Cardinals are going to pronounce Nancy Pelosi and other Dimocrits “apostates” for their pro-abortion stands? Oh wait, silly me – that’s not going to happen because the Cardinals are INSULATED from that issue!
A thing about that article I find to be a sad joke: the Catholic church advises against using condoms because they might lead to an abortion. And how many more abortions are going to occur because people weren’t using condoms??? And of course there’s also more chance of VD’s as well.
Well-said. 🙂
That’s a GREAT comparison, and if you don’t mind, I’m likely to use it myself some time.
Compared to a peasant, a knight was endowed with tremendous power. Power to save, and power to destroy. Chivalry was a code that not only told a knight when he should use his power to help, but also told him when not to use his strength and might.
It is this second aspect of Chivalry that has largely been forgotten. As you say Maggie, the knight should act because it is right to do so, and not out of a desire to be seen as right and honourable, or simply to selfishly benefit from his actions. But just as important, the knight, the one who has been given power, should recognise when he should refrain from using it, especially for self aggrandizement and enrichment, or simply to satisfy his own whims, dislikes, or desires. That is the true dragon that the knight needs to slay.
I’m not sure I’d ever have the ‘nads to do what Jeff did, I know there’s just too many idiots out there carrying hardware, and of course they all know their rights and know how to play the system/cops.
“I helped him because it was the right thing to do,” he replied. “If you only help somebody because you want his gratitude, you’re doing it for the wrong reason.”
Can I get a hallelujah?
I wouldn’t have done it with Maggie there. Similar things have happened to me, but I was always with a wife, or a girlfriend. I lose a fight against six guys and I have no idea what they do to whoever’s with me. Family comes first.
I have no idea what was going on in his mind, but remember the area was very crowded and a couple of his male friends were there with me; I reckon he knew I had ample protectors even if he got beat up.
That’s totally cool then. The problem is women have a horrid sense of security. Every girl I ever went out with I told them … “If we ever get jumped somewhere you RUN and I stay and fight.” The logic there is – if she stays and I lose she gets hurt or raped or worse and we both may be killed.
If she gets away then I’ll guarantee I may get beat up – but they won’t kill me because she’s free and a witness.
The one time this got “tested” I was in Hawaii (Waikiki) on the beach at like 0200 walking with a girl named “Kate” and two guys charged at us from out of some bushes behind a hotel. I yelled “RUN!!” and turned to meet the guys … then one said … “Oh no man, it’s cool – we’re just drunk off our asses!” Then they laughed and stumbled off like drunks.
I turned around to find Kate and she was three feet behind me – holding a palm branch, which she had picked up to use as a weapon.
A FUCKING PALM BRANCH. Just a big leaf really.
I never get angry with women or raise my voice – but I cut loose on her until she cried.
In San Diego – there was a neighborhood disturbance that woke me up (I was working shifts at the time). I looked out of the second floor window of my bedroom and I saw some people in a dispute on the side walk.
Then I saw my wife and daughter (who was like 5 years old) charge out of the house to “investigate” the ruckus.
Soooo … I “cut loose” on my wife for that. Of course, she cried too because I look like Charles Manson on the rare occasions I get angry. Anyway – she KNOWS NOW that security is my issue and I won’t take advice or interference from a woman on that. Everything else – it’s a partnership – but not that.
krulac,
I’m with you on the security issue but a girlfriend once said something to me that gave me pause.
Similar situation that I managed to talk my way out of instead of resorting to violence and I turned around to find that she, instead of leaving as instructed, was holding her stiletto heel in hand.
I was pissed but before I could get up a good head of steam, she said, “What, you think you’re the only one who gets to defend people they love?”
I was a bit nonplussed by that.
I think I’ve mentioned before that my dojo had given a self defense course to a sorority at the campus and a few weeks later, one of the women had defended herself from an attacker by first stomping on his in-step with her stiletto heel and then embedding the second heel in his skull. The perp was apparently easy to find; not too many innocent men are found walking around with women’s footwear stuck in their foot and head.
So her weapon of choice was not completely wanting…
My first impulse is that I stand and fight and she skedaddles. But I grant that she had a point. (Besides the stiletto heel, I mean.)
They *are* called stilettoes for a reason. LOL. I’ve fended off attackers the same way, but I wouldn’t leave my shoes….
“If you only help somebody because you want his gratitude, you’re doing it for the wrong reason.” Exactly.
This post reminded me of something:
“In our deepest hidden hearts, we are Noir knights; we wear blood-caked armour.
We’re battered and bruised and dirty; Even though we are valorous, we do our best to deny that we’re heroes the whole time.
We don’t fight for ourselves. We fight for the ones who can’t. That’s our truth.
We get knocked down; we rise back up.
We Serve Something Greater.
Sometimes we fail. Sometimes we falter. Sometimes we fall forever.
Sometimes we sacrifice all that we are; the only way to shield what we hold dear.
Not Privilege, but Service.
Not Pride, but Humility.
Not Hatred, but Love.
And sometimes, we are given your Colours.”
The Unspoken Concept is not entirely dead, but asleep.
It is your touch, gentlest of readers, that it waits for.
Your anger, mockery, scorn and greed cannot awaken it.