Information can tell us everything. It has all the answers. But they are answers to questions we have not asked, and which doubtless don’t even arise. – Jean Baudrillard
One year ago today I answered questions about the word “whore”, working for donations rather than a direct fee and the personal romantic relationships of prostitutes; today’s column contains the answers to four new questions. If you have one for me, email me at maggiemcneill@earthlink.net and I’ll reply personally, usually within 24 hours.
When I go to brothels I don’t want the girl to think of me as just one of many, so I’d like to leave her a little present, not only the money she asks for her job. The natural choice would be flowers, but there’s no way to bring flowers without being noticed. So the second choice would be chocolate candies; do you think the girl will appreciate that? So maybe, when she gets home she’ll have some chocolate and remember me as one who treated her a bit better.
Most girls do indeed appreciate small gifts given at the end of the date; some girls even state on their websites the sort of thing they like best. Candy is good, so are music CDs and books (of the type she prefers) or even cash. It’s not so important what you give her, as much as the fact that you gave it; when given after the appointment it even assures her that you especially enjoyed her company. And yes, most girls will think of you more fondly for being a gentleman who does so; in my column “Presents” I wrote of clients who gave me such gifts, some of whom I clearly remember all these years later.
I’ve recently turned 21 and though I’ve been in bed with naked women I was unable to get an erection. I’m very worried about disease, but condoms reduce the sensation. Plus, I’m really confused about my sexuality; I love the way women look, but I’m also obsessed with crossdressers. Do prostitutes deal with young virgins much? Because I’d like to find a call girl to have another attempt at sex with, but I’m paranoid that she’ll mock me in some way; would an older escort be more understanding? And do you think seeing an escort will resolve my situation or make it worse?
I think a prostitute might definitely be worth a try; you needn’t worry about being made fun of, because we deal with many sorts of men and nervousness is very common; “The First Time” is about whores initiating virgins, so you might find it helpful. If you are attracted to mature women an older escort would probably be a good choice because she’ll be more experienced at relaxing you, but if you still have trouble with her, you really ought to consider trying a trans prostitute; if you have a fascination for them it could help you to relax and to be more excited. Once you are able to perform and climax once, I think a lot of your nervousness will evaporate and then you’ll be able to explore more freely. If you still have problems with genetic women but not with trans women, it may just be that’s the way you are, and there’s no shame in it; everyone’s different and you’re lucky to be living in these modern times when that’s not nearly as stigmatized as it used to be!
I do think you may be a bit overworried about disease; you’re wise to refuse unprotected intercourse, but if you choose a reputable escort the chances of getting a disease from unprotected oral sex are next to zero.
I’ve often had thoughts of providing escort services, or helping brothels or driving an escort around. I am just tired of the same old drag; as you discussed in “Amazingly Stupid Statements” nine out of ten people would easily leave their profession if they could, but due to money we ceaselessly do the same work each day with no end in sight. What I wouldn’t give just to leave this cube job and get out and meet new people!
It’s nearly impossible for a man to be an escort unless he’s gay; the fact is that in general men will pay for sex and women won’t. If you live in a country where escort services or brothels are legal, you could simply call one and ask if they have any driver-type positions for men, but if you live in a country where it’s illegal they’re unlikely to hire someone they don’t personally know. I do know a gentleman here in the United States (one of my regular readers) who started his own escort service by offering his favorite escort backing; he provided the cash and she provided the know-how and they became partners in an escort service. Of course, you have to get to know an escort pretty well before offering something like that!
Even if you don’t find new work in the sex industry, though, there are plenty of other ways to break out of the job you’re in; perhaps an employment counselor of some sort could help you, or you might talk to friends with companies of their own to ask for advice. Going into business for oneself isn’t easy and it carries considerable financial risk, but for many people it’s well worth it for the freedom.
About ten years ago I became involved with a prostitute who was very vulnerable and messed up. She was 20 when I met her, but had been in the trade since 13. Our relationship was unhealthy and codependent, and our interaction led us both more deeply into drug addiction. We had two children and have overcome our drug dependency, but no longer maintain a relationship so I have become very lonely and seek companionship from escorts. Most women I meet now are young and educated, and are seeking to supplement their income by being escorts; the boundaries are more defined than in my long-term relationship. I realize that I am escaping intimacy, and I feel a sense of guilt because I feel I am exploiting women. I guess I am looking for some perspective on this.
I think you’re letting your first relationship with a prostitute affect your perception of those you’re meeting now. 13 is definitely too young to be in the trade; a girl that age is just too impressionable, and many who start that early have a lot of problems even years later (as you discovered). I can understand your feeling guilty about being with her, but it seems to me from what you’re telling me that both of you were mutually harming each other, as is typical in unhealthy relationships. The fact that money changed hands is immaterial; the two of you would still have been wrong for one another even if you had met under non-commercial circumstances.
However, most escorts are not that way just as most people in any profession are not; as you said, the girls you’re seeing now are true professionals while your girlfriend was not. It is not exploitative to hire someone of either sex to perform a service as long as you deal fairly with that person; it only becomes exploitative if you try to cheat them or change the terms of your agreement without the other’s consent. Would you feel you were “exploiting” a woman you hired to clean your house or give you a massage? Of course not, and it’s not any different with a sex worker. Judging your current dealings with sex workers by your long-term relationship is not a valid comparison.
It’s certainly possible that you are using escorts to escape intimacy; if you were with your girlfriend long enough to have two children by her, it was a serious enough relationship that it may take a considerable time to get over. The fact that you weren’t right for each other does not change the fact that you were in love, and though separation was the wise course of action that doesn’t mean your heart will immediately follow in step with your mind. Eventually you will get over her, and then you will be ready for regular dating again. If you have no close friends to confide in, most good escorts will be happy to listen and even give advice, and if that doesn’t seem enough you might seek counseling. You mustn’t feel ashamed of your confusion and self-doubt; overcoming drug addiction takes great inner strength, so I’m sure you will be able to get past this difficult time as well.
On young men and erectile dysfunction.
This is an alarming trend. When I was a Master Chief in the Navy, people hardly believe this – but a Master Chief is like a Priest or Psychologist and deals with all kinds of personal problems and I had more than just a few young men come to me because they were depressed about ED.
Now, I spoke to a Mormon minister who was my chaplain on one of the ships I served on – and he said … “Ask these kids about how much porn they’re watching”. I figured, well – this is a typical Christian-type, wants to blame a physical problem on pornography – blame it on sin.
But – I did ask some of these kids and, unbelievably – they admitted to pretty heavy-duty use of porn and masturbation. What’s more – they were also getting into more and more extreme forms of porn – like tranny porn – when they really weren’t into transsexuals. But the thing is – they needed more extreme porn to get excited.
Most of them had problems with condoms too – and complained of almost no sensation and immediate loss of erection when they put one on, or shortly thereafter – if they managed to get an erection.
I think it’s a DOPAMINE thing. I’m not saying that porn ought to be banned. I don’t smoke Marijuana or snort Coke either – but I don’t think those should be banned either.
But – my theory (and it could be complete shit) – is that constant exposure to porn leads to high levels of dopamine in the brain – and this, in effect, “downregulates” normal dopamine production. Just like a drug addict starts off with a small amount of a drug – but then has to constantly increase that amount to produce the same dopamine effect.
When I was a kid – only porn I had access to was the JC Penny mail order catalog – lingerie section.
Today – kids, really young, can get on the internet and watch anything – so they’re starting early – in some very formative years.
I just say, to anyone experiencing this – dump the pron for a couple of months as well as the masturbation. Just try it and see what happens. Don’t run from women during this time though – if an opportunity for sex comes up – go for it.
I know a few young men who did this successfully and had no problems thereafter – especially with condoms.
I don’t think one has to be anti-porn to accept that; let’s compare it to food. Imagine that a man has a job as bodyguard or assistant to a wealthy man, and while he’s at work eats all kinds of rich, exotic stuff every single day. Then when he gets home, his sweet little wife presents him with meat loaf. It may be that he appreciates that meat loaf emotionally and intellectually, but his palate might find it pretty bland for the first few weeks after spicy, imaginative, expensive dishes from around the world.
However, there’s another dimension to this; Grace tells me that after a while on the road, most musicians eventually get sick of restaurant fare and start eating at diners, mom-and-pop places and others where the food isn’t so exotic, but is heartier and more homey. I’m sure you can see the analogy.
Yeah, I see the analogy. Myself, I am a “Spartan” type guy. When I eat, it’s usually a grilled chicken breast, or a ribeye, or sometimes a sausage or a bunch of scrambled eggs – and that’ll be it. Just an entree and maybe some whole-milk. My wife doesn’t cook for me at all because she knows I’d rather just grill my own and eat very simply. After all these years – she kind of eats like me because I will just cook her some along with mine.
My personal “dopamine problem” is, and always has been – doing dangerous things. At 50 years old, it’s not uncommon for me to run at 145 mph on my motorcycle on the freeway. I know I shouldn’t do it – and I still have a daughter who’d probably miss her Dad if I killed myself – but the rush I get from it makes me feel like nothing else. I’ll do anything dangerous or risky – and that especially includes in my current job. I’ve heard guys I work with say … “Go get Krulac cuz I ain’t doin’ that shit – that’s ridiculous.” And I’m like – “Hell, yeah – I’ll do it.” Even though I’m senior enough to say “no” to it. This also includes women I guess, and getting involved with risky ones that I should have nothing to do with.
And – otherwise I’m pretty normal, but I wonder how many people are hooked on things that give them that dopamine high – whether it’s food, or drugs, or sex, or porn, or gambling, or the stock market, or nicotine, or danger …
Before getting into psychology, I’d make sure that none of these young men were suffering from hypogonadism. You would be surprised at how many men are abusing steroids these days, and frankly that can cause your testicles to shut down. If they aren’t abusing steroids, there are other endocrine disruptors around that can get into their food or water (various kinds of toxic waste). A doctor can measure their testosterone levels and determine if that is the cause.
The normal test you use if you don’t have a doctor around is to check if these men ever wake up with an erection. If they can’t remember the last time they woke up with an erection, I suspect the problem is more likely physical than psychological. (And in a young man, I’d suspect “juicing,” illegal steroid use. The problem becomes acute when you run out of supply of the drug, at which point you find you’ve chemically castrated yourself.)
It might not even be so dire, they might just be getting very poor nutrition, though I suspect that in the navy they try to feed sailors a good, healthy diet to keep them in tip-top shape.
I’m very familiar with steroid use. I don’t use them because my bloods always come back with HIGH testosterone on the male panels my nurse practitioner does. First time she saw my bloods – she asked me if I had ever been to prison! (LOL). Well I think it’s hormones that make me do stupid things but I’ve never had any problems with the law or anger or fights or anything.
However, again – as a Master Chief in the Navy I had to educate myself on steroids because a lot of the Sailors (and Marines who rode my ship) did them. Unbelievably, some of these guys would actually cycle while on deployment and have problems – and they wouldn’t know how to do a proper post-cycle therapy (pct). And – since I had a corpsman (not a doc) – and my corpsman was female – she didn’t know anything about proper pct either. Sailors and Marines would come to me about their steroid use because they assumed I was using them too – I never have though. But I never agreed that steroid use should be something to kick a man out of the service for – so I helped them without putting them on report. My Doc also went along with me. Usually a guy would come in panicking about “itching” or “burning” nipples – or they’d have a lump under one of their nipples. One Marine was actually “lactating” – not a flood like a new mom or anything, but he could produce liquid from one of his nipples. Needless to say – men FREAK OUT when any of these things happen.
Nipple sensations are usually high estrogen – so my corpsman carried Clomid and Toremefene (Farreston) for that – both anti-estrogens used to treat women with breast cancer. Lumps require Letrozole. Lactating requires Cabergoline which reduces prolactin. So we could take care of our guys if they had a problem and they learned from the experience.
It was actually my study of steroids that led me to my “dopamine down-regulation” theory on Porn. Guys who use steroids will tell you that their nuts shut down during the cycle but bounce right back with a proper PCT after the cycle has ended. This is certainly true, but I believe also deceiving – because I think every cycle a man does has a “down-regulation” effect on his HPTA (Hypothalmus, Pituitary, Testicular Axis). So a 25 year old guy starts out with a “natural” total testosterone level of 750 ng/ml on the LabCorp scale – and that’s really good. However, after a few years of steroid use – EVEN RESPONSIBLE USE – he’s down to 400-500 ng/ml. He thinks it’s age because that’s what the television commercials tell him but, in reality – those steroids have “down-regulated” his HPTA and testosterone production. I’ve seen some kids – in their 20’s – abuse steroids to the point that they had to be put on Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT) and they’ll stay on it for life – because they’ve shot out their HPTA.
And by the way – Doctors are full of shit when it comes to male hormones and aging. My total test levels always come back OVER 900 ng/ml when the “high spec” is 850 ng/ml. Why do I need steroids? LOL – I don’t, unless I want to downregulate my natural levels. It’s proper lifestyle and eating that will keep the levels high.
So if all this “down-regulation” can occur with steroids – why not also with PORN? Since of course, the pituitary is not only plays a role in testosterone production – but also DOPAMINE production in the brain.
Oh, you have an impressive knowledge of the subject and know how to look for the signs, so that’s a good thing.
As to porn, I’m reminded of a line from Shakespeare, “If music be the food of love, play on, that appetite may sicken and so die,” a rather poetic way of expressing a similar theory as your dopamine theory.
Sorry, kruclac: for those of us who aren’t of US origin, what is a “Master Chief” in the US Navy? What did you do, what were your responsibilities etc? What rank is it?
A “Master Chief” is an E-9 in the Navy. This is the highest rank an enlisted person can attain without becoming an officer.
I’m not a smart guy, seriously I’m not – I just worked really hard and I have to tell you – the first couple of years were the most important. I could not have done it without the aid of a hooker, named Michelle – that I met in Hawaii and patronized for a couple of years. I fell in love with her. She completely liberated my mind from having to chase “skirts” so I could concentrate more on learning my job. She also was the best adviser I ever had and when I was frustrated – she always listened and gave me great advice on what to do. It’s been almost 30 years and rarely a day goes by that I don’t think about her – and I often ask myself … “What would Michelle say?” if I have a difficult problem facing me.
She would not marry me though – and I blame that on the great, artificial “divide” that exists between sex workers (who are on “the outside”) and the rest of us who’ve been “assimilated” by society. Michelle basically told me this many times and she didn’t believe me when I said I could handle that “divide” even if my family found out about what she did for a living. In fact, she was probably right (for me at that age) and this is a lasting source of shame to me.
This is why I am a big fan of Maggie’s blog – because she is dedicated to erasing that divide. Whores do absolutely no harm to society and in many cases – they do a LOT OF GOOD. It’s absolutely fucked up that we have these women working in shame in the shadows to be abused and tortured by anyone – including law enforcement.
I believe I’ve even told Maggie that she would have made a great military officer and one I would have been very proud to serve. 😀
“I’m not a smart guy, seriously I’m not”
Sorry, don’t believe you.
Thanks, now I understand.
I wonder what “heavy” porn use actually is. Seems like there’s differing scales for people imho.
My experience has been that if you’re masturbating regularly, it is perforce going to diminish your sex drive. I’ve no idea what the protocol for that is on a shipoftheline, but yep, lay off the wanking, check for that AM wood, and go from there.
Also worth a mention if the condom is too tight, that will put a spanner in the works, and is also an easy thing to fix.
Anxiety itself can instigate ED, too, and that can become a self-reinforcing pattern. Get the lady to do one of Maggies massages 😏
I’m not a call girl (I know, some of you are shocked), and yet I’ve never turned down chocolate.
I’m going to fall behind again. A-KON is this weekend, and I’m going to be home only a little bit Friday, and less Saturday. In fact, I’ll be coming home nine or ten tomorrow night, and when I head out Saturday morning, I just won’t come home or sleep until sometime Sunday afternoon. Yep, my annual all-nighter, full of karaoke, pizza, raving, hentai, and watching the dawn break over Dallas while sitting in a hot tub.
I wonder, does A-KON cause business to go up among escorts? Maggie has said that conventions, rather than sporting events, cause increased business in the sex business. But those were trade conventions. I suppose a Japanese rock band guy might hire a girl, thinking an American will be exotic. Or an American gaming company representative might hire a girl, because that’s just something he does on weekend business trips.
I think the Japanese would go for the Minxy/Jinxy look….and who could blame them?
BOING!
Not an uncommon look at the con, as it turns out.
I know you’re having fun at the con! Next year will be our debut doing a song together…wink. You’re not a call girl, BUT 1 of the many wonderful things about you is you give credit at ALL times to ALL women who help men out sexually, not just whores. THANK YOU. You don’t treat the women like me as either invisible and/or demonized.
No, I don’t treat ethical sluts, free lovers, or wild horny women that way. I don’t treat whores that way either. As far as I’m concerned, there’s not much difference. It’s like saying that there is some huge difference between people who draw for fun, and people who do in-between work for Kodansha.
The biggest difference is that YOU don’t have The Law against you. And as it turns out, THAT is a huge difference.
I’m the guy with ED. I took home a girl I’d been seeing a for a few weeks last night. Every time I put on a condom it make my penis immediately go flaccid (from being fully erect) it was weird, I don’t even think pouring cold water would have such an immediate effect, if only I’d know that it can do that when trying to hide erections I got randomly back in childhood, haha. Anyway, yeah I’m dumped yet again for another initial non performance. I did actually enter this time (for the first time), both in her vagina and butt, but without a condom. I withdrew well before either of us came for this reason, which maybe annoyed her. I tried to finger her to climax but I didn’t really know what I was doing so she told me to get out of there when I asked if she’d come.
I think I will just abstain from porn and masturbation for a good week or two and then look for a really nice escort. I think once I’ve done it decently well with a girl I’ll be more confident around them. I don’t even know if I’m a virgin or not now, I still haven’t climaxed in a girl or in the company of one (she couldn’t wank me off either, although no one except me can, I’ve gotten too used to the exact way that I do it).
If you haven’t solved this yet, two things:
1) Have you had hands-only evenings? It’d wipe out your ED-related performance pressure. With that experience, you might be able to keep it up. And could earn you enough good will that she’ll put up with a bit of a delay on the downstairs end, if it comes to that.
2) try a bigger condom. Too small and it just doesn’t work.
Also, I have a terrible, terrible diet that consists of 4-5 McDonalds a week, whiskey and beer every day, so that is maybe the biggest cause of it all. I just hate cooking and can’t deal with people sober.
Alcohol does impair most men’s ability to get or maintain erections, but I’m not sure how long that effect lasts after drinking (care to answer, guys?) because I’ve only seen it in clients and they were fully drunk, not coming off of the buzz hours later. I don’t really believe the food would matter either way.
these foods supposedly increase testosterone…
http://princessa.hubpages.com/hub/foods-to-increase-testosterone
as far as McDonald’s…
I’ve been told they putt lots of soy in the paddies to fill out the meat and soy reduces testosterone…
you might not have to learn to cook but even switching to Subway or a mom and pop taco shop will be an improvement…
as far as condoms-hate ’em…
try to get the extra thin, extra sensitive ones and also don’t try to get them on until you are as hard as a rock…
I’d recommend excersize-all the manosphere guys swear by lifting, but even running/cycling will get the blood flowing…
I’m ambivalent about alcohol…
one or two drinks will increase blood circulation…
(hence flushed faces) and also reduce inhibitions but drunkeness could cause “whiskey dick”…
oh, if you can control the room temperature, better that it is a little warm and even humid than cold…