Pam S. recently asked this question on an old column:
I totally agree with you that a wife should take care of her husband’s needs, but I’m having some technical problems that I don’t know how to solve. I want to have sex for him even if I’m tired, but my body doesn’t cooperate – specifically, my vagina stays completely dry, which makes it quite painful. I can do oral, anal (with lubrication), or whatever else he dreams up, but he isn’t too happy about this indication that it’s “duty sex” – and I can’t seem to find my “on button”. Do you know of anything I can do about this?
I’ve always been on the dry side, and have carried a tube of lube in my purse since I was 16 just in case. Obviously, you must not have that problem when you’re excited, so your husband notices if you have to lube up; that’s not an issue I ever had, since I needed lube either way. That having been said, in my pre-commercial days I still found the experience a bit nicer if I could get into it; so when my first husband (Jack) would ask if I were in the mood and I wasn’t, I would reply, “No, but you go ahead and get started, and I’ll catch up.”
Now, if I couldn’t there wasn’t much way for him to tell, and that makes our situations a bit different, but I still think you can take a leaf from my book there. How do you think it would work with him if you were just honest? “Baby, I want to make love to you tonight, but I’m tired so my engine is cold; why don’t you help me warm it up first so I can get ready for you?” Something like that. Make sure you assure him that it’s not that you aren’t interested, but rather a physiological thing; most men do like foreplay anyway, so it’s likely he won’t consider that a hardship. Now, I’m assuming here that there is something he can do which will get you wet even when you are tired; if that isn’t the case there are two other options. The first one is, is there any fantasy you have which never fails to get you going? Because thinking about it while you’re getting ready for bed might put you in the mood and make you more physically receptive. If that doesn’t work, there’s the brute force approach: a vaginal moisturizer like Replens. It’s really intended for menopausal or perimenopausal women or those with issues due to medication or the like, but its non-hormonal so there’s no reason it shouldn’t work for you. It’s very long-lasting (the Replens brand lasts for three days), so he doesn’t even need to know you’re using it; if he hints at sex or you just suspect he’s going to want it, you could sneak off to the lavatory and use it, then even if it’s hours before the two of you are intimate you’ll be ready to go.
Do let me know if one of those solutions works for you; if not we’ll see if we can’t come up with something else!
I think women like to give off all the indicators of being turned on – and wetness is certainly one of them, but it’s really no big deal. Some women treat this like men treat ED – and get all wrapped up mentally about it, but it’s not the same and easily fixable.
You didn’t mention how old she was – but I think this is a natural thing for older women, especially post-menopausal women.
Duty sex? What is that? Men need to grow up and realize that there is a difference between the male and female libido. I mean, there are times when I’m with a girl and I cannot control my breathing – or my thoughts – they are on ONE thing. Then I look at the girl and she’s completely in control of herself. This is the nature of sex. Women have told me that they don’t even need to have an orgasm to enjoy the intimacy – so I’m fine if they don’t. I’m a chivalrous guy – and will plug away for the sake of their needs until I realize that nothing I can do can make it happen for them – and then put quick finish to the deed. 😛
Twenty-six years of marriage – there was only one time my wife literally woke me from a cold sleep to rape me – and I felt like a complete sex object – I thought the woman had become possessed by a sexual demon, it was wonderful. Turns out – she was ovulating and got pregnant. So sometimes when the female libido runs wild – men need to be on guard. Of course – the pregnancy was no big deal for us at the time so it was a welcomed event. I just think it’s funny how it happened.
Getting older – you get wiser, and your sexual response isn’t what it used to be. A woman finds she’s dryer … and men find they can no longer complete four episodes of back to back intercourse. I know I can’t. Do I miss those days? Not really because now I can slow down and enjoy the experience instead of worrying if I’ll still be on my feet for “Round Four”.
Many women over the years have explained this stuff to me – how they don’t feel like sex but still want it … it’s very complicated but eventually it can be explained to your male partner so he understands.
What a great question and an awesome answer. Maggie you can come and counsel in my office anytime.
First, when I speak of this issue I always start from the top, the brain. Even though you give the impression that there are times you have desire and are naturally lubricating, are you? I never want to assume? If you aren’t, are there other barriers that are getting in the way? Won’t go into that since we are assuming that this isn’t a continuous problem. But, importantly, make sure you take care of yourself, working on issues that may be blocking your desire other than fatigue; such as depression, marital issues, money, body image, kids etc. Take care of yourself.
If it is simply fatigue and interest, I believe an initial discussion away from the bedroom should be a start. Maybe during a romantic meal or other time that you are both willing to have an open discussion about marital issues including sex. Every man should understand that, especially in long term relationships, at times his desire is going to be greater than yours. He needs to understand your perspective and that you do want to have sex, but just as Maggie says thre are physiological issues and it has nothing to do with him. In bed use the awesome words Maggie suggested.
During that time use lubricant, and lots of it, I really don’t believe you can use too much. If he is willing to lubricate to do anal then it should be easy for him to lubricate vaginally. Have hiim use lots of lube, starting on the outside, even on the labia, around the clitoris and eventually deep into the vagina. He may then place it on himself. I would find this a turn on and would be happy to use this in foreplay. And make sure you test different lubricants, they are not all the same, you may like one better than another. Astroglide, Moist Again, Good Clean Love are some that I have suggested. Some people will use KY but stay away from something like vaseline. I would suggest looking at Good Vibrations web site and I refer alot of people to http://www.breastcancer.org. I know you dont have breast cancer but they have an excellent article on sex and intimacy, and lubrication. Just follow the sex and intimacy tag on the left. Great article whether you have BC or not. I have also enjoyed a book that I believe has been updated that my spoue and I shared called “Hot Monogomay:. . .” by Patricia Love and Jo Robinson
If it is more common than you would like, and you getting close to menopause or in menopause, then the ultimate treatment is a local estrogen. See your gynecologist.
Most importantly, do not feel guilty abot this, and your husband shouldn’t try to make you feel guilty. He needs to understand, so even when you are not in the mood but willing, you can be relaxed and comfortable that you are in the hands of a loving, understanding husband.
Hmmm. While it seems not to be the issue for this particular woman, there are physical issues/conditions (e.g. candida) that have nothing to do with being tired or uninterested that plague some post-menopausal women, and to which there unfortunately seem to be no remedy…
But is it the dryness that bothers those women or is it actually the loss of libido and the feeling that life is slipping away? In the case of my wife it was the latter. We had plenty of lube and we’ve used it since she was in her 20’s – so the dryness wasn’t the issue. In fact, my wife has had three kids and, after menopause, her vagina actually feels BETTER to me than before menopause.
My wife rarely gets more than a little damp. Now, if I’m gone for an extended period of time … then when I come back home it’s like a super-soaker. Then again – that’s usually when I’m at the top of my game myself.
Also – sometimes these things resolve a bit. My wife, for two years during and after menapause lost her libido completely. It was a terrible time for us. However, just within the last year – her libido has picked up substantially. She says it’s about 60% of what it was in her 20’s and she was a nympho back then so that’s pretty damn good for her in her 50’s.
In my case, it has nothing whatsoever to do with libido or the feeling that life is slipping away, I have as much desire as ever and am vibrant, energetic and totally alive. It’s purely a physiological issue. Related information here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/07/pain-sex-surgery-menopause-hormones_n_999049.html
In my particular case, topical estrogen causes an overgrowth of candida which results in treatment-resistant yeast infections that are themselves problematic. I have been able to control the yeast with boric acid, but it also causes dryness. It’s a frustratingly vicious circle. My point is that it’s not always psychological; there are physical causes that are difficult to resolve. I have tried Replens on which candida also seems to thrive. I never had any of these problems before menopause during which my libido actually increased rather than decreased (and it was already healthy to begin with), which was even more frustrating! On the plus side, including more soy milk in my diet seems to be providing some relief…
The estrogen ring, Estring is great too for staying lubed up. You insert a ring in plooch then it lasts 3 months. Its expensive, but a nice option for some.
I re-read the original column; it must be one of the most sensible I’ve ever seen about what men and women really are. If only you could make all women (and men) read it, think about what you say, learn from it, and apply the messages.
So… does this mean rubbing a woman’s clit is ineffective if she is naturally dry or has reached old age?
I would say that depends on the woman. We are all different.
Yes you are – and it’s a mystery to me why God made you the smarter sex when it doesn’t take much of an IQ to figure out men. WE ALL like the same thing.
Meanwhile, men’s minds are polluted with testosterone and an ability to only think about three things … Football, Baseball, and SEX and our mind just rotates between those three. And we have to use this faulty noggin’ to figure out the more complex sex.
Ain’t fair.
Like one of my old girlfriends … I could NEVER get her HOT no matter how much foreplay I used on her. I resorted to oral on her once for a full hour and she was dryer than a popcorn fart at the end of it (and I couldn’t feel my lips anymore). She was 25 years old too – so age not a problem there. Well, when I finished she decided to “reciprocate” for a bit and I got an idea. After about 10 seconds of her performing oral on me I “checked” her and she was a SLIP-N-SLIDE! So apparently, what excited her was her exciting me.
Young guy that I was – I thought all women are like that and wondered what all this fuss about foreplay was about when it’s as easy as unzipping your fly!
But I found out not all women were like her. 😛
A lot of the women I’ve been with didn’t want me near their clitoris until they were ON FIRE with lust. For many – it’s too sensitive a spot to just go to before they get warmed up – and if their warmed up and still dry – then the clitoral rub probably won’t do much.
Females have three main arousal responses – in the skin (conductance), in the vagina (lubrication) and in the clitoris (blood volume). It’s fairly well established now that the clitoral response can inhibit lubrication, so it’s best left to the end of foreplay.
There is also a deep vaginal area above the cervix that is associated with rapid lubrication.
In my experience, females have one main arousal center – the brain. But hey, what would I know…?
That’s the only one that’s ever dependably produced results in me.
An arousal center that causes distinct arousal responses.
That’s the only one that dependably produces arousal responses in me; always has been. With mind stimulation I don’t even need to be touched; without it literally no amount of touching will achieve anything at all.
Ditto 🙂 Stimulating conversation is the best aphrodisiac for me. I fall in lust and love with my mind, my body follows 🙂
Yeah, we’re in our 40s now, and sometimes things just don’t automatically work like they did when we were in our 20s. Sometimes you have to get some lube for what used to be wet all the time. I’ve not observed it having anything to do with desire. Some days everything works, other days, we need a little lube.
Replens sounds amazing, and might be something to play with whether one has any dryness problem or not.
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I am a married male and have been married for 23 years. Wife and I have used astro glide for many years, often to just make things even slippier. Wife and I are in our late 40’s. We keep astro and lotion under our bathroom cabinet. Wife used the last of the astro one night with her toys and went out the next day to buy us a new bottle. I went to get some lotion out of the cabinet and seen a second bottle of astro behind the lotion; almost hidden. Came home from work the next day and it was gone. asked the wife the day after if she had bought the bottle I had seen near the lotion and she said it was to put on tampons since she was dry. She ended up just putting it back in the cabinet. said she could not find a smaller bottle for her purse. Does that sound like something older women do? using astro for tampons? Never known her to need it. Thought women did not need lube during that time of the month. Never had any reason over 23 years to think she was messing around. Thanks.