Since the very beginning of this blog, I’ve endeavored to be brutally honest on the subject of sex work; I have neither exaggerated the good aspects of the work nor hidden the bad ones. This is not only because of my sincere belief that honesty is the best policy, but also because ugly truths that are hidden become weapons for enemies when discovered; sex worker activists must hide nothing, so the public will understand that we’re being just as honest about the things we deny as those we confess. This month’s guest column is about one of those unpleasant aspects of sex work; sex workers’ ad copy often presents us as insatiable sex goddesses getting paid for having a ball, but in truth we really aren’t all that different from other women and work sex is generally much more about work than sex to us. The essay is also quite unusual in that it asks for advice, much like a Q & A column; however, since the question came from a celebrity I thought it needed a different treatment. Furthermore, though I was able to give the lady some advice from my own experience, in my opinion she needs very specialized input pertaining to an area of sex work I have no personal experience with: commercial porn. Because the nature of the question would tend to undermine her public persona, she asked to be published anonymously and of course I have agreed; I used the name “Anonyma” both in reference to Catherine Walters, and because the title “Guest Columnist: Anonymous” has already been used. Please respect her wish for anonymity by not speculating on her identity in the comments. I hope that readers with porn industry experience (I have at least two of you in mind) will weigh in, and if you feel your advice is better given privately please email me with “Anonyma” in the subject line and I’ll forward it to her.
I am an award winning porn performer. My image is that of a hypersexual young woman who is insatiable—a sex symbol for my fans. But off camera, that image could be farther from reality. At first, my porn life didn’t interfere too much with my real life; I was still able to have sexual relationships on camera, and my libido was as high as ever. But after I was in the industry for a while, my sex drive dropped to non-existent and the thought of a man’s penis penetrating me now makes me cringe. Why? A lot of reasons.
On set, I’m expected to have sex for hours. After a while, the sex isn’t pleasurable; it’s actually quite painful. Long days on set paired with exhaustion cause tears and cuts in my vagina- oftentimes it happens on set and I am told to power through to complete the scene. Having sex with a tear is excruciatingly painful. My many sexual partners and exploits have also led to another painful problem: pelvic inflammatory disease, an infection that causes inflammation of the uterus and ovaries. In other words, every time a penis gets deep inside me the pain is unreal. Normally, pelvic inflammatory disease is treated with antibiotics and abstinence from sex, but being that my job is to have sex, it comes and goes for me.
Sexual trauma from my past has also given me a mental block that arises whenever I have a sexual encounter. I, like many other survivors, suffer from PTSD because of the assaults I have experienced. Also, the thought of having sex and not being paid for it now bothers me; it’s as though I only view men as dollar signs, as games to be won. Before, I always loved men AND women! But now I’m encumbered by this aversion to men, and the thought of having sex with a man does not appeal to me in the slightest. I still find men attractive, but I don’t have the urge to jump on him and fuck him like I used to.
Obviously, this is causing issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. He is amazing and understanding, but I feel guilty for not being able to please him; we have only had sex 2 times this summer (I know, it’s horrible). I have seen a therapist and he advised me to quit sex work, and maybe he’s right; maybe it is causing permanent damage to my psyche. But it’s my livelihood and I still love it in most ways. Does anyone have any advice? What do I do to get over this mental blockage? How do I begin to have a normal sex life again? Help!
I’m afraid I haven’t much advice- the level of sexual activity demanded of a sex worker, especially when one is expected to always appear high energy, excited, and make it look good no matter how tired, sore, unattracted to one’s fellow companion one might be.
The truth is you probably need a break, but since your income depends on working, that’s not going to happen. I remember constant UTI’s.
about the only mental trick I came up with was to try to find something exciting about each person, and build on that, to work myself to an excitement level that way.
Also, make plans for the day you do walk away. It happens. Prepare for a good life then.
I hope you find the advise you require.
Some of the issues you highlighted I see from a Health and Safety perspective since I was previously a health and safety rep.
In an ideal world (the one we don’t live in), I would suggest the following based on a perspective as someone who was a Health & Safety rep and looking at this purely for and industrial perspective.
You mentioned long days, unfortunately with most jobs long hours increase tiredness which results in exhaustion (as you pointed out), exhausted people are more likely to make mistakes and exhausted bodies are more prone to damage, on this basis when representing employee’s (in what ever industry), I usually suggest to employers to either reduce the length of the working days or increase the quantity of breaks, having employee’s working long hours sounds ideal on paper however their is a large quantity of evidence that makes it clear that exhausted employees are simply not productive in addition injured employees cost money since they have to be replaced, require time off and even when working are not efficient.
I’d also normally suggest protective equipment and practices when possible, given my complete lack of knowledge with this industry I can’t advise further on this, perhaps the people Maggie suggested may be able to make suggestions.
“inflammation”
This would be a concern for me, as I would see this as an industrial injury, from the statements you’ve made it seems that that the injury cannot be effectively treated while you continue to work, I would see you as no different from a laborer who has pulled their shoulder or an office worker with carpel tunnel, in both these cases I would suggest the employer move the employee onto tasks that do not aggravate the injury, if this is not possible then its probably going to mean a hiatus until the injury has fully healed.
This could mean going on holiday or doing another job that does not aggravate the injury.
That’s as much as I feel I can suggest regarding your post, I sincerely hope your circumstances improve.
Best wishes.
If this was sport, your coach would say that you have over-trained and need a rest. More than over-trained–you have injured yourself, physcially and mentally.
We hear in the news about sports pros “suffering from an injury” but the truth is–once you get into even good collegiate/semi pro level (dancing is the same, I understand) you are suffering from injury all the time. Your training from then on simply has to work around those injuries. Until–you can’t any more.
Physically–you need to do whatever your body is telling you to–and in this case its telling you to stop-at least doing those things–for a while
Psychologically is trickier. My understanding (subject to correction from those in the know like Maggie) is that lots of sex workers reserve certain acts only for those they feel a real emotional connection for (kissing is a classic example). These things cue them to a different set of responses than the theatre that is being performed for clients? But (as I stress) I am not in the sex industry–I am scientist who researches human sexual behavior–so if I have got this last bit wrong please be gentle with me!
As a former ballerina, I can confirm that dancing is the same.
I would like to add that you can have similar problems in professions that seemingly are not athletic at all. I am a computer scientist and I have: Carpal tunnel syndrome from mouse usage, inflamed sinews in the shoulders and problems with the vertebrae in my neck. All these are really miserable and crippling if they get serious. All these get serious if not carefully monitored. Completely healing them completely would take years of non-computer work or is impossible. From what I know, this is a pretty typical set of injuries for people working long hours with computers.
So what I do is to monitor them carefully, take the stress of these body-parts as far as possible and take breaks immediately when I notice something gets worse. I have alternate modes of work that takes the strain off these but is still productive (e.g. work on paper or whiteboard, take a long walk and think about things or read up on things on paper or a reader). “Powering through” any of them would be a severe mistake. The older you get, the worse this gets and the longer physical recovery takes.
I think you absolutely have to reduce the physical stress and re-distribute it. Otherwise things will only get worse and eventually you will be seriously crippled. (Hopefully reversible, but still…) This may also fix other things, as your sex-drive currently seems to be in “NOOO, please do not do that!”-mode.
Massage Therapy burn out happens as well. I went to work for a Fortune 500 company in the hospitality industry and early on, massaged for 8 hours a day for two weeks straight with no day off during peak season. I have been in the field for 17 years at this point, but I had to take a break from stress in 2008. I finally finished my undergrad degree in 2012 and now I am trying to write slowly. I have no car at this point after the economy nose dived and it’s going to take awhile to get back on my feet.
It sounds like you need a break from porn. How about doing other sex work such as stripping or maybe work as an escort with a limited number of clients. Could your boyfriend support you for a while when you are having a rest?
Interesting story. You say that your “libido” used to be high, but does that mean you were sexually functional? Did you experience clitoral erections and orgasms easily without any need for a medical device (“vibrator”)?
There is evidence that despite public claims of normal “libido” most women are actually sexually dysfunctional. Please tell me if your current problem is simply a new condition of less “libido,” or if your sexual function (past and present) is the real problem that you – like many women – need to confront.
Man you just won’t stop with those “clitoral erections” will you? This is becoming an obsession with you.
And thus a new porn genre was born?
It’s an important thing to talk about (clitoral erections). I also greatly admire him (sexhysteria) because he’s shown a very open mind towards women like me. I’ve never had a word of the ###*** put out about us from him. That’s wonderful and very needed. What he talks about is important and needed along with his open-mindedness.
Thanks Laura. It’s an uphill battle getting people to even talk about clitoral erectile dysfunction.
krulac, Yes, I love clitoral erections. What’s not to like about them? They’re small and cute and they love being touched. Maybe if more women could have clitoral erections there would be less anorgasmia and less faking of orgasms.
I really wish I had an answer for you, because you write so honestly. Physically it sounds like you need a bit of a break to heal. The psychological part is more complex and there are not easy answers. Relationships are not just built on the physical and sexual and you write about the emotional side. It is this emotional link that need to be strong. Trying too hard to solve a problem sometimes doesn’t help. You have to trust that what it right for you is going to happen. “Libido” is like that especially if you are tired or stressed.
I do not know what plans you had for retiring from the industry or for how you wanted your career to progress but maybe this is the time to start a transition to something else. It doesn’t have to be a mad leap into the unknown. I just hope that you find what makes you happy and fulfilled in life. Good luck.
I’m also going to agree with Robert King and Ted. Porn performance is definitely athletic and you’re injured. I hope you have enough money in savings/checking account/squirreled-away-somehow to take a break for several months, even maybe a year if you can manage it. You need to heal physically and mentally. Anonyma, since you mentioned that you still love sex work, I’ll echo Ted’s suggestion of doing non-intercourse sex work, such as stripping or maybe cam work or PSO.
I agree. Porn is like a sport, there are injuries, tears, mental and physical exertion. Beyond that, it sounds like you are simply burnt out right now, which is more than understandable. My advice would be the same to you as it would be to ANY other worker (in any field, not just sex work): take a break. Take some time for yourself. Engage in as much self care as possible. When I used to work as a therapist, I saw SO many people burnt out and miserable in their jobs. It’s amazing how damaging work can be, that which sustains us also drains us. Again, I believe this can be true of any job, but especially one in which body body AND emotional labor are required.
Now, I also understand that you probably need to keep having reliable income. What about cam work? Solo, GG, or maybe even work with your boyfriend or other cam girls? You might still get the same enjoyment from it without having to have intercourse, and having porn star status will help you rake in the cash.
What about dancing? Dom work? There are plenty of types of sex work that do not require vaginal penetration. If you’re feeling as burnt out as you sound, I would advise you to look into those. Or, if you can afford it, take a break from all work for a bit.
In any case, I wish you luck and hope you do what’s best for YOU. <3
^ Good points, Christina! Definitely general work burn-out happens in every field.
I’d also say that you definitely should take a break. You don’t want to leave the porn industry, fine- but at least take an extended holiday. Maybe you could find a part-time job and cut down on the hours in the porn industry?
I also tear and bruise easily during sex. What has helped me overcome this problem during long “working days” are vaginal uvulas against dryness and of course lots of long-lasting lube.
I don’t suppose that you are eligible for workers compensation. That would give you something to live on while recovering.
Maggie, I know you’re trying not to give out too much detail – but the number of years working in the business is kind of important.
I have no porn experience – but I do have problem solving experience and if I have a problem I can’t come up with a solution to – then I ask others who have “been there”. She might want to talk to some of the older porn gals – the ones who’ve done this for years … decades. Did they experience the same thing? If not, why not? What did they do differently? Talk to the people who have walked the path.
If she’s hot … she could do “girl / girl” stuff for a while. Yeah, it’s reduced income but it would at least spare her the penetrative pain (or the worst parts of it rather) and give her a chance to focus on her boyfriend. And she needs to make up her mind what’s more important – the business or him.
I am in my 50’s – and I have a physical, ass-busting, dangerous job and I have a lost body part to prove it. I have worked non-stop for up to 20 hours straight in horrendous environmental conditions. At the end of those long days – I was almost too tired to LIMP to my bunk to sleep and sometimes it’s painful just to fix myself a meal before I crash – but I’m starving and have no choice. I keep doing this … because I LOVE it. It makes me feel alive … I don’t know what the fuck I would do without it … sit around and wait to die. The pain is part of the reward … because not many people can stand it and it reminds me of the one thing that is special about me from most other humans – who would quit. But I am a sick motherfucker.
She either deals with the pain – and soldiers on … or she takes a reduced workload or take off entirely for a time and tries another swing at things later when, hopefully, she’s better … or she quits. It’s really that simple. How important a boyfriend is to that equation – only she can gage. If I had a choice between a girlfriend and my work – the girlfriend can take a hike. I wouldn’t be much good to her if I weren’t able to do what I love to do. But this woman has some psyche issues related to her job that I don’t have – and that adds noise to the equation also. In other words, it’s not just a physical thing that’s inhibiting her ability – it’s also in the brain.
I’d agree generally with the points that Robert King and Ted make.
Your therapist says “Quit”. The usual response or advice to work that isn’t enjoyable is, (1) carry on, do nothing; (2) change yourself; (3) change the organisation; (4) quit.
It does sound as if a break from work would be good for you; not just the physical and mental rest, but also a time to reflect and consider what you really want; none of us here can answer that for you. But, consider that the shelf life of a porn star is quite short, though there are exceptions. What do others do? Some move into directing; could you consider this, could you do it? (NB: I really have no idea of the practicalities of this, for me it’s all theoretical.) There are “feminist porn producers” who I gather treat their employees well; is this a possibility?
Perhaps you should see your present career as time-limited; and this “crisis” is the subconscious message telling you to get out and do something else. Is there anything that you’d like to do, or think you could do? More education, as an entrée into sex education, for example? (But what level of education do you have now?)
Do you any other actors in a similar position well enough to ask them for suggestions, people who you could trust and with whom you could talk through your problems? Or any retired performers; why did they leave, and what do they do now?
Vaginal tears will heal, but the PID is really alarming unless properly treated; I’m sure you know the potential risks. But by returning to this industry, you risk more of the same in terms of physical injury. And further damage to your mental well-being; is it really worth this?
[PS: Maggie, as the poster isn’t likely to respond directly to comments, but perhaps might tell you if anything said is helpful, could you update us sometime in the future about her decisions and progress, please? Thanks.]
The sex industry has something for almost every time in our lives. Take your porn following to webcam (Niteflirt gives you 70%, you bring the majority of your customers, you get the ability to spam them later and sell them videos), start a non penatrive specialty homemade kink videos store on clips4sale, take your ass to the titty bar, or perhaps spend some time torturing men – I’ve always found that cathartic.
BDSM work is an alternative, if it isn’t something you hate.
Not all people can be convincing Domme’s or even want to be.
On the sub end, bondage, spanking, even light impact play etc can provide an income without vaginal penetration. If you are a high profile performer and attractive, this could be a big draw to an as yet untapped market.
BDSM people tend to be more caring about physical integrity and health than vanilla folk.
No porn work expirience here. But i do have expirience burning myself out at different things and also experience with aduse and PTSD.
No matter the work, people can work themselves to the bone and cause all kinds of physical and psychological issues that can then feed off eachother.
Keeping busy and driving yourself hard in your field or hobby of choice may be in your nature, it may also be a coping mechanism that has arisen from your past and the resulting PTSD, or both! I didn’t recognize the pattern in myself till I was in my late 30s and collected a few medical battle wounds that I probably would not have had if I knew when to back off and rest, how to “train” for the things i was driving toward, and had better context for how the world works and where I fit.
Nothing wrong with being a hard driver. But you need to make sure you dont drive off the cliff. I like the sports analogies others have used. I would also like to ad entertainment analogies to the mix. You are giving physically and emotionally just like (pick your favorite musician, actor, dancer…). A singer can wreck a throat and a psyche, a dancer can wreck lower limbs and psyche. You can wreck your privates and your psyche.
If you have chosen to do porn, or music, or dancing, or whatever, you need to do it as right as you can.
1. Train for your field and seek out tricks of the trade. I know there are probably no specific exercises for a uterus. But there may be tricks from other experts on how to do much less damage. If you find that the workload you keep still causes undue inflammation and wounds. Ask yourself if its worth it. If it is, keep going. Just accept the tradeoff. Everything in life has tradeoffs. If you dont want to accept the tradeoffs or are still taking too much abuse, stop. You may not be cut out for the gig. No shame in it. It happens all the time from motorcycle racing to professional fine quilting.
2. Get your head and your priorities where you want them to be. Good therapy (jury is out as to this being an oxymoron, at best its tough to find), seek mentors and role models from diverse backgrounds and work to emulate.
3. Seek context for yourself through understanding the past, your past, the future and your future. Its a prosess. All worthwhile things are a prosess. Reading on diverse topics is a good way to start. This blog is a good place. The writing, the links and the context provided are awsome material from quality mind.
Honest C. can probably provide you with more.
Ask questions and seek answers from different sources. Even if they make you uncomfortable.
Dear Lovely Porn Star,
There is lots of good advice above. Just take what you like and leave the rest as they say. Reaching out and telling your truth is a great start and road to new possibilities. (Thanks Maggie for being committed to the truth.)
I know first hand that when you are working hard to defend making porn as a good job and your job is about showing that you’re having lots of sexy fun, its hard to face the truth, that you are having issues, struggles, relationship challenges, etc. But from what I’ve seen, what you are experiencing is actually very normal after a long time in the biz. SO many jobs of all sorts have their physical and emotional challenges. Porn is no better or worse than many other job related issues. Imagine for example the difficulties that military families face when they are deployed and come home. (Great interview on Terry Gross yesterday about this.) Oy vey. There are easier jobs and harder jobs.
Starting in 1973, I made mainstream porn for 22 years, then trasitioned into making ‘post porn’ and now docs. I simultaneously did prostitution 22 years. I enjoyed the work I did and am proud of it still. I’ve now been working in sex 42 years! Reading your letter reminds me a lot of a couple of rough phases and bumps in the road that I went through. You have what I would call SWBO. Sex worker burn out. But don’t fret, its generally a temporary thing. Has to do with GROWING PAINS. The universe is kicking you in the ass (or fucking you in the ass as it were) to make some important and much needed life and career changes.
Some years ago, I made a poster, which is free, and downloadable for all on my website called How to Cure Sex Worker Burn OUt. Its illustrated by Norma Jean Almodovar, the cop that became a call girl. I invite you to take a look, maybe something will help. I surveyed other sex workers who have had SWBO how they deal with it. Know that many of us find ourselves having some PTSD, emotional difficulties, relationship problems, physical ailments, and you are really quite normal. If you didn’t have any issues, I’d worry more! When I had a one woman show where I showed my cervix to 40,000 people in 19 countries, by the end of that, I was very toasty. It was so great doing the show for the first 3 years, but the last year was tough. I no longer had the energy for it. I was getting chronic yeast infections! Imagine having to show your cervix on stage and having a yeast infection!!!??? I did whatever I could to hide it, and did successfully. I think I still today have some residue from some of the harder times. http://anniesprinkle.org/how-to-cure-sex-worker-burnout/
My sense is that you are totally at the right place at the right time in your personal evolution and your career. Its time for change, and time to grow, and go to the next level. Sometimes we have to learn the hard ways. Sometimes things have to get really ‘bad’ to get better.
In my experience, the very best therapy is a support group of several trusted other porn star friends/colleagues that you can share honestly and confidentially. For me, my support group, called Club 90 was the best medicine ever. Ours was the first porn star support group, out of NYC. Later Sharon Mitchell and Nina Hartley started one in LA called Pink Ladies which morphed into the Adult Industry Medical Clinic which had support groups too. Its simple, meet up together every two or three weeks for a meal, and go around one by one and focus on where you’re at. Like a talking stick ritual, each person gets focused attention and support. While most all of our porn star friends left the business bitter and wounded, those of us in club 90 found ways to evolve our careers and stay in the world of sex that we loved, in our own unique ways. We have supported each other continually since 1985! In fact, now we all have businesses we love, are good at, and all have doctorates in human sexuality, families and community we love. One of us just passed away recently at 73 years old. One has ovarian cancer now. We are aging together. This is our chosen family. And now there are many new challenges as to how to reinvent ourselves yet again, as older DIVAS! I think the name of the game is and will continue to be constant reinvention of one’s self and business. That said, sometimes its good to just go on to some other line of work if desired. When I decided I wanted to learn photography I went to college and stayed in prostitution and did burlesque for two more years to put myself through college. Start EDUCATING yourself about new things you are interested. Or other business options. Stay in the sex biz or not. I think its hard to just drop out of the sex biz overnight. Mostly we have to prepare, take steps, learn, and progress gradually.
One thing to watch out for is a therapist that you have to educate about sex worker issues. Most all therapists who don’t know about the sex industry are going to tell you to get out. I was lucky to have a therapist named Linda Hirsch who had been a prostitute, and had worked with many people in the sex industry as a therapist. She never judged me ever. Her prices were sliding scale when needed. She passed away. But is never forgotten by many NY porn stars who owe her a debt of gratitude for helping us with bouts of SWBO and our growing pains.
You are more than welcome to phone me. I send you my love, hugs, and best wishes. If you’ve been in the porn biz as long as you have, and have been successful in it, then you have all my respect. You must be a very strong, wise, wonderful, creative, talented, compassionate, and yes, sex positive person. How great you have a supportive good partner. This SWBO will pass especially if you have good support networks. Maggie being part of that. Please get on the phone now and call 5 or 10 of your colleagues in porn and invite them to meet for a support group. Even if you meet three times together, I can tell you it will be so helpful to share your truth with others in porn. Tell everyone its confidential and agree to stay confidential each time.
My support group, Club 90, is going to be the closing keynote at Catalyst Con in LA in September. If you are in LA, come if you can. (Catalystcon.com) You will meet all kinds of people in all aspects of sexuality, and new doors will open. I really enjoyed it when i went and learned a lot. Jessica Drake went and other porn stars. KNOW THAT the “mainstream porn industry” is only ONE aspect of the sex industry. There are, thankfully, today many many other alternatives– which if I might say so, Club 90 helped pioneer: feminist erotica (Candida Royalle), working with transvestites/transgendered people to help them develop their femme selves (Veronica Vera of the Academy for Boys Who Want to Be Girls, doing sex education in China (Veronica Hart), and starting a political free spech coalition or a non profit (Gloria Leonard.) We were all mainstream porn stars, who bonded together, to support each other in manifesting our dreams. We still face plenty of new challenges together all the time. Just wait til you turn fifty or sixty!!! Or seventy! Keep morphing, growing, and facing your truths, as you are and you will go far!
I suspect your talents are much needed in new pioneering ways. I’m happy to chat about your dreams and desires, and support your vision. Hang in there. This will SWBO will pass. Two steps forward, one back, three forward…
Keep it up! xxx solidarity forever. Annie Sprinkle
Annie Sprinkle, how kind of you to take time to grace this person with your compassion wisdom and experience. It make this person’s pain enjoyable to contemplate how she can restore her relationships to her body, soul and mind; to be in community her self and with others. Someone’s relationships — Our relationships to our work, our fellow workers/bosses, our health, our neighbor’s health, our families, our families, our most intimate partners and ourselves are a large part of ourselves. Your post exudes self-care and reaching for others who are capable of reaching back for support to gain mutual understanding. But how do we learn to do that?
Quitting a profession as you point out is different from severing relationships. Yours is such stark contrast to advising abandonment of all the contacts and relationships within the sex industry. It seems odd but it is abandonment that you warn against when you caution against tuning to therapists that are unwilling to see the humanity of sex workers and instead advise seeking ones who can. Odd, but true to think a helping profession like psychology might acutely do more harm than good to this person’s relationships. Often generic (not sex worker) therapeutic counseling advises abandonment not repair. Repair takes many forms it may only be; being able to live with along side events and people of past trauma or it can also be full restoration of lost connection, love, trust etc.
Are you saying it’s more important to find therapists that are able to see the validity in connection; connection within people, between people and as community rather than to be a patient of doctoral degreed therapist who might not have that willingness or even ability? I was most interested in your Club 90’s use of listening skills to support each other and grant to each other the ability to learn — the importance of both being able to ask for support and give it to others. It would seem that you and the other members had extensive knowledge of what worked, brought that knowledge to the group and further developed it for mutual benefit. Often it’s hard to find that knowledge.
Last week there was a discussion on this blog (cut and paste) http://maggiemcneill.wordpress.com/2014/07/09/neither-here-nor-there/ about relationships to abandon them or to attempt repair. Discussing torn connection in terms of sex and sex work may make it easier to scorn people wanting repaired, restored connections within people, between people, and as community.
All to often we fail to see the social benefit to repairing relations. Or fail to see how important our relationships are to our well-being and the well being of others even to people we may not even know.
Very refreshing to read of your 60 years of wisdom observing the importance of connection to our subjective realities, thanks, curious.
Dear Curious. Thanks for your note and feedback.
Regarding therapists, there are many good ones. And many sex positive therapists. The problem is often the porn star or sex worker has to spend many sessions educating some of them about the issues. You MUST have a sex positive therapist. Its like if you are gay, you have to have a therapist that understands gay people. An anti gay therapist won’t do.
I think therapy is an important part of long term sex worker lifestyles, as society has so many stigmas placed on sex workers. But yes, I know for a fact that some therapists have made sex workers feel worse about themselves, and they can only feel that their sex worker client HAS to get out of the sex industry to be healthy and happy in life and in relationships. And that is simply not true. She/he may have to make changes. True.
Its late and I”m tired and probably not making this very clear. But hopefully you get my drift.
Dear Annie Sprinkle,
Sorry to learn you were exhausted when you read my comments. I think perhaps my comments about therapy were misunderstood as I think we are in agreement. I am most grateful to you for your feedback on how you understood my comments. Yes, I think there are many wonderful individuals with amazing skills in the helping professions and that people should take full advantage of these services. And as you pointed out some therapists and therapies should be avoided.
I did hear and I take very seriously what you repeated in your reply to me, “But yes, I know for a fact that some therapists have made sex workers feel worse about themselves, and they can only feel that their sex worker client HAS to get out of the sex industry to be healthy and happy in life and in relationships. And that is simply not true.”
My comments were intended to support your observations, your values and your requests. But in doing so I don’t want to stigmatize any person with a title such as Aunt, Uncle, child, therapist, social worker, CEO, evil doer, saint, inmate, mother, father, sex worker, chief cook and bottle washer etc. To see people by a title is not to see their humanity, their needs, their values, the impact their relationships have on them and the community. To see people by only by their profession or only by their pathology is not to see the human being, not to understand their needs, values and their relationships.
What I want you to know is I simply took your sex worker observations and attempted to apply them generally within community. In your response while I am most certain it was not your intention, I did hear that sex workers are victims, that sex workers are fragile people when you say, “I think therapy is an important part of long term sex worker lifestyles” For me I hear in that statement it says sex workers lack maturity or agency; there is something wrong with sex workers that requires fixing. I’m guessing you might want me to know, we all have painful conflict but rather than pathologizing or stigmatizing people for it, you would rather learn how we in community can support diverse personalities and support the dichotomy of life style preferences that bonds us as community.
I might be tempted to rewrite your statement “I think therapy is an important part of long term sex worker lifestyles,” to sound more like this “I think continually learning about connection and how to transform painful conflict into plain every day conflict is an important part of long term healthy lifestyles.”
Implicit in the latter statement is the specific idea that the community and sex worker bear the responsibility for reducing the painful conflict and loss of connection due to sex work stigma. And it is a everyone’s responsibility to promote the well-being community members including sex workers.
Also implicit is the idea a therapist has no supernatural powers through training but is a fallible person like the rest of us.
If I understand you correctly we all need support in understanding our needs, our emotions and the impact they have on our relationships. When we reach for support it is imperative we reach to someone (in your example a therapist) or a Club 90 that can hear and understand our needs to help us understand and regulate our emotions. In other words help us support our well-being and support the well-being of the community. I’m simply saying what specifically applies to sex workers equally applies to promoting community well-being for all human beings.
Please let me know if I heard what you wanted me to know. Again I want to thank you for letting me know how you heard my comments giving me the opportunity to attempt to clarify my meaning to you. As always I am curious as to how I was heard this time.
Hope you have gained the rest you needed.
I am self-employed so if I don’t workni don’t eat. Therefore I have some understanding as far as that goes. I have to do my own negotiations, I have to make sure schedules are kept, etc. the buck stops with me. But I have also worked for other people where all I had to do was show up for work and do my job. There are advantages to both situations.
One big advantage to working for someone else is that it became their job to look out for me. If I was injured or unable to work they were out money. I understand that the porn industry is a limited window kind of thing. So I can see the draw for working as hard and as much as possible before the window closes. Obviously your producers/directors/etc. are not looking out for your best interest (which would in fact support their best interests). If you have a following and are truly in demand then I would be very tempted to take my talent elsewhere. Maybe a manager or agent would be able to help to get you time to heal proporly?
Bottom line is you have to take care of you. If that means walking out and finding a new studio/producer/director to work for, hiring an agent/manager to look out for you, you have to do what’s best for you.
I know time off when your contract labor is scary, but career ending injuries are much scarier.
Heck what do I know?!?!? 😳