In your posts I’ve read about how sex work is a performance. Is a key part of the art of a courtesan, then, to make sure that it stays a performance and does not turn into real sexual desire and expression? I am guessing that a key skill of sex work would be getting oneself to “turn on” at the right time without that arousal turning into too strong of a sexual connection. Or am I on the wrong track?
I’m afraid you’re on the wrong track. Unlike men, women don’t need to be “turned on” to perform; the majority of the time sex workers aren’t aroused during work sex at all, so there’s no danger of it turning into a “sexual connection”. I know this is hard for a guy to grasp, because if you aren’t aroused penetration isn’t going to happen. But a woman can simulate arousal without feeling it, and the majority of sex workers use lubricant even if they get wet because it’s better for condoms. Of course arousal sometimes does happen, but for most sex workers it’s a minority of the time, and certainly not common enough for dealing with it to be considered a “key part”.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
It’s an act. Seriously. Women can’t be paid to “get it up” any more than men can; a woman can pretend to be into it but really, if you’re old enough to be her dad, or her grandfather, the odds she sincerely finds you attractive are already pretty much nil. Considering you’re willing to pay her poverty to circumvent minor inconveniences like whether or not she’s actually in the mood just because you are, odds are she despises you.
Men pay women to cooperate, and conflate cooperation with consent.
“I pay thy poverty, and not thy will.” William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet
I strongly disagree that the average sex worker “despises” her clients any more than the average hairdresser “despises” hers, or the average lawyer “despises” his, or the average dentist “despises” his patients. There are good customers and bad customers, and any member of any profession who finds herself hating the majority of those who pay her bills needs to find another line of work pronto.
I also find it interesting that you conflate work with pleasure and seem to think that being “in the mood” has anything at all to do with work; try telling an employer or client in any other job that you’re not “in the mood” to do whatever the job requires and let’s see how long you keep that job.
Indeed. That would both be highly unprofessional and bad for business. A sex worker provides a service. You cannot provide a service well unless you respect your customer.
As an IT consultant, I face a similar issue regularly: Many customers are really clueless about critical aspects of their own IT. Does that make me despise them? No. I just recognize that they did something very right, namely get competent help.
I think all this myth about sex workers hating their jobs and doing it only out of “poverty” and despising their clients and the like comes from guys that really, really do not get that female sexuality is different and from women that have severe issues and cannot imagine sex work being just work. This results in stupidity like the inane claim than freely accepting money to provide a service does not directly imply willingness to provide that service. Seriously, how disconnected from reality do you have to be to believe such utter nonsense.
“I pay thy poverty, and not thy will.”
Hmm. Act 5, Scene 1: Romeo requests poison from an Apothecary.
Apothecary
Such mortal drugs I have; but Mantua’s law
Is death to any he that utters them.
ROMEO
Art thou so bare and full of wretchedness,
And fear’st to die? Famine is in thy cheeks,
Need and oppression starveth in thine eyes,
Contempt and beggary hangs upon thy back;
The world is not thy friend nor the world’s law;
The world affords no law to make thee rich;
Then be not poor, but break it, and take this.
Apothecary
My poverty, but not my will, consents.
ROMEO
I pay thy poverty, and not thy will.
http://www.shakespeare-navigators.com/romeo/T51.html
So Romeo despises apothecaries???
Funny thing, back when I was doing consulting work we used to say, “This job would be great, if it weren’t for the clients!!” And why did we tolerate them?
Because they paid us.
Did we despise them? Not really. And those few times that we did, we did so cordially.
I mean, there’s a reason why they call it “work,” isn’t there?
“If it were easy, then everybody would be doing it!” — old military saying
w/r/t arousal or not on the part of female sex workers and/or lubricant use or not. To avoid “Maggie’s” or anyone’s personal experience from becoming the standard by which all are henceforth evaluated, is there any research on these matters we may all be made aware of?
1) Not that I’m aware of.
2) What’s with this sudden weird thing of commenters putting my name in scare quotes? I find it vaguely insulting.
I think it is meant to be insulting. Like you are not real or pretend to be somebody you are not. Classical discreditation tactics to be used when no actual facts are available.
To follow through consistently, of course… an absence of credible formal research upon which to form an objective conclusion logically requires one to suspend and reserve all judgement and opinion.
I assume, therefore, that until the research arrives, eunemoose is avoiding and dismissing any and every assertion and conception, whether positive, neutral, or negative, from the many non-formal-research sources (including his/herself, acquaintances, media, and government), about how any woman engaged in sex work behaves, responds, reacts, or thinks?
But for those who do weigh anecdote…My wife, to whom I’ve been married since 1980, has used sex work as a means of income for years. And long before my wife or I ever heard of Maggie, my wife has described her own experience with and attitude toward sex work exactly as what Maggie wrote here.
I have what might be a stupid question: Is sex work truly “Hard Work,” in the way that some other work activities are? I’m in an industry that is fairly grueling. Knowing that an escort is really being taxed might put a damper on it for me.
Obviously, this is going to vary from escort to escort and client to client. I’m just ask for a general statement from someone who has been there.
Some calls are like being given free money; others are grueling. Most are just work.
Thanks for replying. Going to do all I can to make sure I’m the right kind in the future. Blogs like yours are invaluable.
Maggie, I was on vacation when I stumbled upon this, so I wasn’t in a position to reply then, but this question you answered leads me to another question I’ve been thinking about. One of the reasons why men hire sex workers is not merely that it is a quickly available way to have sex since some of the men who hire them can easily pick up “free” women at bars or nightclubs. The reason they do so is that they will have sex with a women who does get emotionally attached to them and start stalking them. (That’s a major reason why you call non sex-workers “amateurs.”) How do sex workers avoid getting too emotionally attached to their clients? I know this doesn’t always work because of your historical research about famous sex workers in the past, but it would be nice to know.
And speaking of historical research, I think when you get back from your tour of America I think it would be interesting to read an article about both the late French President François Mitterand’s wife Danielle and his mistress Anne Pingeot. Because while there are wives who may tolerate their husband’s mistresses, I think many would do the same think that Queen Alexandra did once their husbands died—kick them out of the house and make the mistresses sit in the back end of the funeral procession with the rest of non-relatives. For Danielle Mitterand to have Anne Pingeot walk beside her at Mitterand’s funeral took a lot of courage, and I remember a number of jokes and twittering that took place at the time. I think it’s about time that she is finally given credit for an act of decency.
If a woman has sex with a man without getting paid, she at least finds him attractive and is probably interested in having him as a partner. Most sex workers aren’t romantically interested or even attracted to their clients, so there isn’t any attachement they have to avoid. Of course it can happen that a sex worker finds her dream-man while working and gets attached, but the chances are about the same as in any other job.
The problem is much more that some men can’t distinguish between fantasy and reality. I’ve never heard about a sex worker stalking her client, unfortunately it sometimes happens the other way. Clients who get too attached can be a big problem.
I have sort of been stalked by a sex worker, she wanted money, sure but there was more to it than that. It was almost always the case that she would call me and shed get upset If I didn’t see her for a long time. When we did see each other it was almost always a drama filled adventure. When we finally had sessions hours could go by till we got to the action. She said she was enthusiastic about it and in a way she was but she sure dragged things out. I can remember lying on her bed naked thinking please just touch it already. Then she got mad at me and accused me of just wanting to get my dick sucked and treating her like a sex object. I liked her company in small doses and I wish her well but she was not someone I would want to.date or move in with, she was right I wanted a bj/sex from her nitbsomething way more involved, even though she bcc was very attractive. So some sex workers don’t get it either. Usually though Maggie is right, I would add a whore can be.eager to please you because she likes you, wants you to enjoy yourself and wants your repeat business. It’s still not the same thing as wanting to tear your clothes off, she.would be perfectly fine with not seeing your naked hairy ass and she doesn’t need your dick. It’s got nothing to do with you being ugly or bad in bed, she justifies need it, she gets plenty. Some wholesaler actuallyvlesbians even, they’re just doing a.job and their personal sex life is with women.