I have a great relationship with my girlfriend, but her fellatio has never been satisfying to me. Is there a loving, respectful way to discuss sexual performance with a partner so that it becomes more satisfying? She’s wonderful and deliciously devoid of hang ups, but I have to become more skilled at guiding her to what will satisfy me.
People need feedback in order to improve their techniques at anything, and sex is not an exception. However, since most people tend to be shy (to one degree or another) about sexual talk, it’s entirely possible for a person to make it well into adulthood without ever having received any kind of helpful feedback about sexual technique. This is bad for two reasons: first, the person may continue in some bad habit that could easily have been corrected if discovered in the teens or early twenties; and second, the person may well assume that because his or her technique has never been criticized, the one who finally does so is simply hard to please or being insulting. Also, while men nearly always think of sex as a performance, a lot of women never do; they’ve been told (especially by neofeminists and other anti-sex types) that men just want passive collections of orifices, and are surprised and unsure of how to react when a man tells them otherwise (from what you’ve told me your partner is not like that, but it still bears mentioning as part of the bigger picture).
The best way to criticize anyone, especially a person with whom one has a personal relationship, is to emphasize the positive rather than dwelling on the negative: “I really like it when you do such-and-such” tends to be accepted much more readily than “I don’t like it when you do this other thing.” Since she isn’t hung up she will almost certainly do more of whatever you praised, and over time you can gently guide her to doing it exactly the way you like it without hurting her feelings. If you’re lucky, even mentioning it in the first place may open a dialog; she may ask “what else do I do that you really like?” or even “is there anything I do that you don’t like?” If the latter question comes up, answer honestly but don’t insult or harp; not “Oh, God, I really hate when you use your teeth!” but rather, “Well, sometimes it hurts when you use your teeth.” And remember, criticism tends to be more palatable when sandwiched between thick slices of praise.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
In their book “Extended Massive Orgasm” the Bodansky’s have some very good discussion on enabling feedback during sexual activity, since it is so key to EMO results.
Its really ‘mammal training 101’ and worked very well for me in exactly the oral area.
1 – get attention in a positive way
2 – ask for what you want
3 – reward any progress
Repeat until good
‘Ask’ can be interesting, often we say things that get interpreted as demands, tone matters.
Especially early in training, ‘reward progress’ can mean ‘any response’ to the request so as to encourage responsiveness in general.
Have fun!
While I do not disagree with Maggie’s approach to this question it does not mean we have agreement. Her advice is remarkable in the empathy she shows for this couple, the care she takes in ensuring their well-being as they move forward to explore their emotional dance. Maggie embraces their emotional bond their dance they have together and how they can find and reach for each other through the metaphor of their sex. Maggie takes care that the woman’s need are met as in her need to be understood, her need for respect and self-respect, needs for participation, purpose, !! Learning !! growth, hope, effectiveness, authenticity, safety, security, stability, support etc. Maggie not only does this for one party to the couple but for the other party — she does this for the man as well.
Maggie’s post is really a great expression of the differentiated parts of “emotional connection” as learned through the body. In this case a solo sex act where two people put their attention on one person. For what it matters, it could be connecting through learning a tennis serve.
For agreement it is important to also look at the effect mirror neurons have on emotion, physical connection and learning. The science is relatively new in suggesting what people have observed for many millennia. The example is when you see someone drink water you have the experience of feeling thirsty. Emotions are telegraphed between humans in a nanosecond. So in the questioner’s case and what I hear Maggie suggesting is creating an environment where by they are relaxed enough that they can read each other. That as he describes his arousal she can begin to relax so she can feel his arousal ebb and flow as if it were her own. Rather odd to think the pleasure we feel when we do someone else is really theirs’ but we are feeling it as if it were ours. It could be same for learning a tennis serve for that matter.
The process of humans connecting is part of bodies, brains and knowledge of relationships. It is why total strangers can bond and depend on each other. We do it all the time in highly complex ways. It is only when these connections get blocked that a question like this gets asked. When connection is missing it hard to imagine forming a safe connection to a stranger let alone a partner. So we are wired to survive by mutual understanding and alert to danger when it is absent.
What is unique about Maggie’s response as it invites understanding, connection and empathy as way of reaching for mutual understanding and safety. And this increase the likelihood this couple can move forward in harmony. The fellatio question is but a metaphor for the blockage of connection just as Maggie’s rants against neofeminists (prohibitionist) are metaphors of loss of connection as community.
Love it! 🙂 A very succinct, pithy, tangible, and memorable analogy. While I have at least tended to work on that premise, in part because of a personal & professional commitment to the concept of feedback, it’s something I should try to do more of, your aphorism being a useful touchstone and signpost.
But in a more general context, I think it speaks to what I think is a very problematic aspect of modern discourse, i.e., the tendency we all have to go into attack mode while ignoring any good points in our interlocutors’ positions. Hardly conducive to promoting consensus which is, I think, crucial, if not a sine qua non, to any progress which I think we all, more or less, have a commitment to.
Well, I’m missing the boat here apparently.
Oral sex, for me … is just “icing” on the cake. I can take it or leave it. It certainly isn’t necessary to “satisfy” me. Now, I will GIVE oral sex … in part because I like to and I like the smell and taste and all … cuz that turns me on. In part I give it because I’ve always heard women like it – though I have found women who don’t – or maybe they just don’t like the way I do it.
But, for the most part … as long as the girl doesn’t injure me with her teeth … I’m good with just about anything because, get this: I have OTHER plans for what to do after she’s finished!
Now, there was one girl I remember … and I fell in love with her oral. Part of it was, she was just damned good at it. But the biggest part was the fact that she would BEG me to allow her to do it … like when T’Pol was going through pre-mature “Pon Farr” while she was trapped in the decontamination room of the ENTERPRISE with Phlox. Yeah … just like that … almost exactly. She would show up five minutes late for a date, look up at me with those blue eyes of hers, and say … “I’ve been a very bad girl and I need to be punished … make me **** your ****!” And that shit drives me so nuts I forget my name. Or she would say … “I want to fall asleep with you in my mouth” … which is just on its face utterly stupid … unless you’re a guy like me, in which case the statement (and the act) makes you want to sweep that girl off the bed right then and off to your own private kingdom somewhere (like Sweden, or something – or that remote island that David Copperfield lives on … you get the picture).
I think too many people get overly concerned with “technique” and who touches who … where … and how hard … and with what …
Spend more time with creating an erotic ATMOSPHERE. I can tell you I have been with girls who did nothing but kiss me and allow me to have vaginal sex with them – but because of the atmosphere they cultivated, and the way they behaved before, during … after …
Those were some of the HOTTEST girls I ever experienced.
All of Maggie’s advice is good, but it’s lacking one useful insight; that different guys like different things. It’s entirely possible that the questioner’s girlfriend learned to give killer oral to a previous boyfriend, but that boyfriend simply liked different things than the questioner.
So an additional piece of advise would be to (gently) let your lover know that you have different preferences. Kind of a variation of the old “It’s not you, it’s me” line.
Of course, as part of the same conversation, probably as the opening, he should be asking if there are things he does that she isn’t fond of, or things he doesn’t do she’d enjoy.
I’ve always thought that one of the great things about a new lover is discovering what new, unique, individual things turn them on, and learning to adapt.
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