My husband wants me to dress as his slut when he takes me out or when he has friends over; is this normal?
I think it’s a mistake to worry too much about what is “normal”. “Normal” men in patriarchal societies tend to want their wives to dress in a way they perceive as modest; this derives from a desire to protect their “property” from those who might trespass or steal it. The more patriarchal the society, the more “modestly” it expects women to dress; in societies where women’s status is higher, women tend to dress more provocatively, and in those where it is lower, they tend to dress more concealingly. There are few if any exceptions, yet neofeminists teach a looking-glass version of reality in which dressing sexily is “objectification” and a manifestation of “patriarchy”, despite abundant real-world evidence that the exact opposite is true. Now, this is not to say that one individual man, or indeed large minorities of men, might not prefer women who “belong” to them dressed in a revealing fashion; however, the majority (“normal”) view has always been the opposite.
Given the language you use (“his slut”) your husband seems to belong to this minority category, which means that in the strictest sense of the word it is not “normal”. So what? Why does it matter whether something is “normal” or not? Most people deviate from the norm in at least a few ways, and nobody seems to think this is a problem except where sex is involved. Don’t concern yourself with whether his request is something the majority of men would want; rather ask how it makes you feel, and how it affects your relationship. Does it make you feel attractive and sexy to dress provocatively, or does it make you feel uncomfortable and ashamed? Does it make your husband happier? Does it seem to spice up your sex life? Do you like or dislike the way others react to you when you dress that way? Do you like to do it in certain circumstances, but not in others? These are the questions you need to ask yourself, rather than whether conventional people would approve. And if dressing like a “slut” at certain times (or even a lot of the time) works for you and makes you both happy, nobody else has a right to condemn you for your wardrobe choices.
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But if you’re not normal the folk who are will run you out of town.
It’s just normal behaviour.
I’m afraid tribalism is alive and well and living under a multiplicity of disguises, partly because of many fools who refuse to recognize it for what it is and instead call it “sex trafficking”, “rape culture”, “concern for children” and a host of other things.
Yep.
As my wife and I, who have always been extremely live-and-let live and broad-thinking about sexuality toward our several kids, taught them, “Don’t let the assertions and expectations of others control your lives; but, also do realize that you may have to fly-under-the-radar to live out some choices in order to avoid consequences from those with those narrow-minded assertions and expectations.”
Whoa … see that’s why I read this blog … this is blatantly obvious, but I had never thought of this before. It’s exactly correct.
I really don’t care what a woman dresses in … as long she feels comfortable with it and feels sexy (if that’s what she’s going for). I don’t let women tell me WTF to wear so I don’t tell them. Anyway, part of the joy of women is experiencing them as they are, and not trying to change that. That’s why I always LOVED going back to the girl’s place instead of mine. I just liked sleeping in a girls bedroom – that she made up for herself. Her room, how she decorates it and how it smells is like her own personal statement. It’s pretty intimate.
Dressing slutty. I see this all the time at the bar. The trend these days is for young chicks to wear a super-short dress that conforms to the body. It’s usually black (LBD) or white. Thongs … always. I don’t get that shit at all. The skirts are so short they can’t really sit down at a bar stool without it hiking up. They’re constantly pulling on the skirt to pull it down over their ass.
The other day I got alerted by a patron that a girl was puking outside … so I opened the door to see what was up. She was laying in the middle of the street heaving and her little white dress was hiked up to her hips. She had two girlfriends bent over attending her – and their dresses were hiked up too. All of them had thong on … I had a complete view of their asses pointed right at me and, shit-fire, they were all perfect asses. Okay, the male part of me said … “Where the fuck is my cellphone when I need it?! This image needs to go VIRAL!” … so it was pretty hot. But the logical part of me said … “What the fuck are these girls doing dressing like this? There’s got to be better options!”
My gym just got bought out by a “trendy” fitness company in my local area. The new morning manager walks around in black yoga-pants with HIGH HEELS. Shit you not. I’m gonna open my own gym – for REAL guys. There’s not gonna be any disinfectant wipes either. If you aren’t man enough to lay down in a pool of another man’s sweat on bench press – you ain’t gonna be man enough for my gym – so GTFO!!!
Although – I AM gonna make one exception and buy this surfing machine here … just so this girl will work out in my gym!
I hope the steroid freaks at your gym practice good needle hygiene then.
Or do real mean sneer at hepatitis?
You are what we guys refer to as a gym “hater”.
That guy over there with bigger biceps? “Heh … he’s on ‘roids. I would be that big too if I were on ’em!”
That guy over there pressing 300 for reps? “Heh … he’s unemployed and doesn’t have to work for a living like I do!”
“Haters” always have an excuse … 😀
Heheh…nah, Krulac…after gnashing my teeth observing so many guys wasting time with endless bench pressing (along with their zillion sets of bicep work) during my 42 years of bodybuilding since I was age sixteen, my gym ain’t even gonna have no dang Flat Bench With Uprights to wipe off anyway. Standing Presses and DIPS, man, Standing Presses and DIPS!
Should be “Do real men sneer at hepatitis?” – though Freud may beg to differ.
Dressing slutty is an expression of power. Compare it to carrying a clutch purse. A woman with a clutch purse is advertising “I have a powerful/high-value man to protect me and carry my stuff”. It’s a display of status directed at *other women*. Likewise, public sluttiness is advertising “I can dress like this/act like this and get away with it.”
I was going to make all sorts of funny comments about that video, but then I watched that video, and suddenly, I can’t remember anything I was going to say.
This isn’t directly related to the topic Maggie brought up, but it is in the news and it has got me thinking. Jennifer Lawrence has recently said that the theft and posting of the nude photographs of her is a sex crime. I sympathize with what she went through, but I vehemently disagree. What do you think, Maggie?
It’s not a sex crime in my view, but in a world where public urination is classed as a “sex crime” the state probably agrees with her.
I argued about this with somebody on Facebook, and the other guy got the wrong impression that my hard drive must have been filled with nude pics of her. That’s not the case at all. But when somebody else said that it was a sex crime because of her “feelings”—well, that’s not good enough. Some people will use that same rationale to criminalize “honest porn” because it offends them.
But make no mistake, the fact that I think it’s not the same as a physical sexual assault doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. It’s the same as breaking into somebody’s house and taking pictures of the woman while she slept. If they ever catch the hackers, they should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I just worry that outrage over this will lead to prosecution of people whom the state should have no business bothering.
I just don’t see the point of arguing semantics on this one.
If it’s an argument over a term like ‘rape’ it has legal implications. I guess if this is some kind of groundwork for getting people who share or look at nude pics onto a sex offender register it’s cause for concern, but it doesn’t look like it to me.
I reckon it’s just one person trying to say how she feels about having her privacy invaded that way and I’m not about to argue the toss over what words she uses to describe her own feelings. I’m not sure why she’d be supposed to feel different about this than if someone had been spying on her in the shower and I think most people would call that a sex crime (Australian law uses the delightful term “Peep and pry”).
If it’s a sex crime to her it’s a sex crime. If it’s a spiteful, disgusting, anti-social act to her then it’s that too. And if she’d said it was no big deal I wouldn’t be arguing against her there either.
To me the real public interest issue is the security of cloud data and that seems to be getting pushed into the background with silly arguments over nomenclature.
You’re right. I picked the wrong place to have a discussion about this. The way I went about it showed a disregard for her privacy. Nobody has a right to see a celebrity naked because she’s hot, and for me to use this as a talking post about the other thing made it sound like that was what I was arguing for.
One of the things I said earlier, which was immediately forgotten because I stuck my foot into my mouth was that we’re lucky the horndogs spent all their time and effort getting hot photos instead of focusing on SSNs or credit card numbers that would have done much more damage.
First thought that comes to mind…
this guy loves when others check out his wife and think she’s hot. Yeah, almost like “objectification” where a guy likes showing off a restored car…
Second thought…
at the extreme end, he might have a cuckhold fetish where he wants other men to do his wife and watch…
done playing armchair psychologist for today…
Maggie, I have read a lot of your columns and IMHO you have outdone yourself on this one. I am one of those men who goes along with anything a girl wants to wear. Like krulac said, “I really don’t care what a woman dresses in … as long she feels comfortable with it and feels sexy (if that’s what she’s going for). I don’t let women tell me WTF to wear so I don’t tell them.”
In the bedroom, that’s different. Then I want to have total say in what she wears and I am very dissatisfied if that is something she won’t go along with. Any other time or if I am not sexually involved with the woman then I consider it none of my business.
I guess I’m a guy of simple tastes.
I’m not interested in what she wears, just how quickly (or slowly) she stops wearing it.
Even in a gorilla suit the young Marlene Dietrich would have been fine by me.
Is that normal, Maggie? 😉
Pretty much, yeah. 😉
You asked for it. You got it.
“The more patriarchal the society, the more “modestly” it expects women to dress; in societies where women’s status is higher, women tend to dress more provocatively, and in those where it is lower, they tend to dress more concealingly. There are few if any exceptions, yet neofeminists teach a looking-glass version of reality in which dressing sexily is “objectification” and a manifestation of “patriarchy”, despite abundant real-world evidence that the exact opposite is true.”
As long-married and longtime “swingers”/open-marrieds, my wife’s and my observations have been that the more independent-thinking and “liberated” (in the original 1960s sense of “equally-respected”) a woman is, the more “provocatively” and non-concealingly she chooses to dress.
This woman seems to use “slut” with a negative connotation, which indicates her aversion to provocative dressing. Since a woman’s view of herself usually trumps everything else in whether or not she feels “sexy”, her partner needs to realize that he’s potentially dampening how she’ll behave toward him sexually overall, in his effort to gratify himself with this comparatively less-important matter of how she dresses.
Amusing, too, is that while the radfems have taught women that men enjoying a provocatively-dressed woman is damnable “objectification”, rarely have women faulted much less denounced themselves for encouraging if not insisting that men be variously “well-groomed”, “well-dressed”, “appropriately-behaved”, materially successful, and high-status. Meaning, how women “objectify” men is doubtless more complex and perhaps subtler, yet, in the sum, is no less than “objectification”.
As a species of animals which reproduces heterosexually, we can’t eliminate that part of our biological wiring which evaluates others “objectifiably”. However, that’s not our ONLY wiring, so not the only way we view others. Humans view others complexly, on multiple levels, despite the apparent denial of reductionist neofems.
As some women realize, while a man will view her “objectifiably”, that’s not necessarily the only way that same man views her. On one level, I most certainly “objectify” my wife; however, I also and moreso view her on levels completely non-obectifiably.