‘Cause I’m just a girl, little ‘ol me
Don’t let me out of your sight
I’m just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don’t let me have any rights. – Gwen Stefani
A few days ago I was talking to Jae about my upcoming car trip to Seattle, and told her that my departure date could potentially be delayed slightly if snow were predicted anywhere along my planned route. She asked why, and I replied that I’m just not comfortable with the idea of driving in Rocky Mountain snow in Wyoming or Idaho; to this she replied, “You just haven’t shaken off all the boy juice yet.” That’s an especially powerful image coming from one whore to another, so I asked her to elucidate and she explained that it was her term for the kind of learned incompetence that men tend to (even unintentionally) inflict on women they care about.
Long-time readers know that I am not a gender-difference denialist; I fully accept that there are many ways in which men and women tend to be totally different, and believe it’s foolish and counterproductive to pretend otherwise. But there are other differences between the sexes which have little (if anything) to do with biology and everything to do with societal expectations. Take car repairs, for example; though many women don’t care for getting dirty, there is no earthly reason for a woman not to learn basic techniques that could get her out of a jam or save her money (especially if there’s no man handy to do them). My father would not let me drive alone until I showed him I could change a tire, and though I absolutely hate doing it and generally prefer the “stand on the side of the highway and look frustrated until a man stops and changes it for me” method (which for me never takes more than five minutes to work, at least in the daytime on a busy highway), I think it’s still a good thing that I know how to do it in a pinch…even if I do (as per Daddy’s lesson) stop as soon as I can thereafter and ask the first convenient man to make sure the lugs are tight enough. But see, that’s not really helplessness; that’s just recognizing that I simply don’t have the upper-body strength necessary to tighten those babies as tight as they probably should be. And for all his bad qualities, I do have to give Jack credit for one thing: he insisted I learn how to perform every simple car repair he could teach me, from changing spark plugs to replacing a brake master cylinder. Since Grace’s dad didn’t believe in letting her be ignorant of cars, either, I haven’t had to do any of those repairs myself in over twenty years; however, it’s still nice to know what is involved in them.
But even if a woman is as lucky as I was, and has boyfriends and family members who don’t intentionally keep her as helpless as possible, she still has to endure endless societal pressure (not just from men but from women and institutions) telling her not to take risks, not to do anything that might scare her and get her in trouble, not to explore her existence without the help of a man (or worse, of Big Brother). And though early feminists seemed to be making some progress against that, their successors have embraced it and are its most vociferous proponents. “Feminists” demand that young women be protected not only from physical harm, but even from ideas or pictures that might upset their delicate sensibilities, rattle their chains or force them to question their preconceptions for five minutes. And they march arm-in-arm with religious conservatives and police-state functionaries to restrict women’s sexual choices and send armed thugs to hunt, entrap, rape, brutalize and cage them in order to “send a message” that utilizing one’s sexuality to win economic independence is too dangerous an activity for women. Their propaganda reveals their incredibly low opinion of women’s competence; sex workers are said to be unable to place their own ads online, and touring is reframed as a criminal “circuit” in which helpless, ovine women are passively trucked around by evil “pimps”. The idea that the female brain might actually be capable of booking hotels and writing ad copy is completely alien to the narrative.
The cumulative effect of this pressure to be helpless is both profound and insidious; it even affects women whom one would think would be immune to it. Case in point one Maggie McNeill, a nervy, hard-as-nails dame once favorably compared to Lara Croft by her admiring husband. And yet when it came time to plan a cross-country book and speaking tour, the idea of doing it alone never even entered into her head until circumstances demanded her planned traveling companion be elsewhere for the duration of the trip. Full disclosure: I was scared, y’all. I had driven long distances alone, but only if I had friends at the destination point. The idea of not only making all the arrangements myself, but of then driving alone to strange cities and booking into hotels alone, was so daunting that the only reason I attempted it was because I had no other choice. But why was it so scary? What exactly was I afraid of? Beyond the danger of running out of money, there was little to fear; it’s not like I was going up the Congo on a tramp steamer or something. No, my trepidation came from only one place: the social programming that it’s unacceptably dangerous for girls to travel alone far from home. And now that I’m aware of the fact that this brainwashing is still subtly affecting me even after almost two decades of living outside “acceptable” female norms, you can bet I’ll be on the lookout for it. That still doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with the idea of driving in a snowstorm, though; that has very little to do with “girls can’t” messaging and a lot to do with the fact that I grew up in south Louisiana and never even saw real snow until I was 34 years old, much less drove in it.
I agree and I think social programming goes wider extends to males as well, fear is used to keep people contained and controlled, which is why I think Feminism fits so neatly and is usually embraced by governments in their desire to try and control societies and the people within them.
Also don’t they do breakdown cover in the US?
I’m way passed the time when I’m going to change a tire at the edge of the road unless I absolutely have to, sod manliness.
America has a level of snow that can be really dangerous. There is no reason a woman can’t deal with it but male or female “Be Prepared” is the motto. I think it was 2 years ago there was a case of a bloke driving somewhere in a blizzard in the States who got out of his nice warm car to wipe snow off the windscreen. In the 60 seconds he was doing that the car door (which he had closed to keep the heat in) froze shut and he couldn’t get back in. He was out in minus 20 with a cold wind in his shirt and pants. He tried to burrow into a nearby bush to escape the wind but was dead in half an hour. That kind of danger does not care much about the sex of its victims. By all means drive in the snow Maggie–but be prepared.
Living in the north, as I do, snow and cold are real concerns. It’s well below 0F here this morning.
some be prepared tips from the frozen north- Carry an extra blanket, some rope, a bag of sand or cat litter, and a small shovel in the car, as well as tools.
I would add to that, matches/lighter and old rags or newspaper.
And an airline ticket to somewhere humans were meant to live.
Three letters of advice, Maggie. A. A. A.
I already have AAA+ and have used it often.
I applaud your efforts to become more independent and be willing to drive in the snow. I also think there’s no shame in driving through the Southwest, up California, and avoiding the Rocky Mountain snow altogether.
I’d be intimidated by Rocky Mountain snow as well. I’ve lived in the Midwest and dealt with bad snow but what they get in the Rockies can get pretty intense. I’d second the advice above — have blankets, some water, a fully-charged phone, rope, kitty litter and some tools for digging your car out. This is one of those times when a smart phone is really useful because you can track road closures and weather, but I know you won’t use one. 🙂 Just be careful and listen to the radio in case of any sudden storms or road closures and you should do fine. And did I say to make sure your phone is fully charged?
I’ll definitely take all of your & Comixchik’s advice, and in addition Jae (who has lived in Wyoming) is going to meet me at a more southerly point of a more roundabout route, and we’ll drive it together.
Apprehension and fear are not a bad emotion protect a Southern driver on snow ice. Clearly the inconvenience and danger are real. The English language contains an idiom to say that, “It ain’t a fit night out for man nor beast” and Female.
But thanks to government and taxes to pay for it the road system does work. State crews do clear the roads for your safety and convenience. Yes be prepared to stop at a motel before you need the extra protection Hal10000 calls for. Have that paraphernalia just the same. It’s more bulky than condoms but many carry both.
It seems you are telling us you have a lot of built in safety as security in your relations to others. Your Dad who had confidence in you to teach you to be self reliant in endeavors thought non-feminine. Your connections to people; Dad, husband, Grace, even new friends like the beckoning sex worker colleagues in Seattle, well Jack for that matter, bless his hart; give you the connection to their strengths to go forward as if by yourself.
As you seem to say in this piece your strength is not yours but theirs that flows through your relationships from them. Conversely the only thing you have to give in return is your attachment, that reciprocally gives them the security for them to go forward as if alone, but they have you with them and they with you.
Even alone on a steep snowy road you carry your relationships with you. They tell you, you are a fine young woman and you will be Ok, — they are there for you. Those relationships give you the courage to when in doubt find a motel early because, snow, blizzards and avalanche control do routinely close roads. Your Rocky Mountains are beautiful this time of year —– enjoy then as they are!
So why the term “boy juice” (“learned incompetence that men tend to (even unintentionally) inflict on women they care about”)? Why do women seem more in need of striving for certain competences (AKA fighting to assert themselves)? Do women have more attachment issues than men and therefore less secure? It seems unlikely as both sexes rely on each other from birth onward. It’s more likely that women and men have the same security and attachment needs but they manifest in different forms and styles. And boy juice culture is more a reaction to those styles than a creator of them.
So is the invitation form your whore friend, to shake off all the boy juice, really an invitation to recognize the styles by which men and women attach are different? That both men and women need support from their attachment figures and community to go forward. When attachment figures or community withhold that support to anyone, “learned incompetence,” low self confidence, loss of autonomy follows.
We hear you honoring your relationships and your connections to others as means that gives you the support to be yourself and go forward with them in your mind’s eye.
If you bring kitty litter as a traction aid, make absolutely sure it has no clay in it (as a listed ingredient, it will likely end in -ite). Otherwise, you’re just adding lubricant.
Judge your road conditions by waypoint: at every town with a hotel, decide then whether you want to continue. If you’re not sure, it might be worth asking some other travellers who have come in from the other direction how the roads are. And don’t underestimate your mental state, either. Winter driving in even borderline weather can be more draining than you might expect, especially on unfamiliar roads, so if you feel stressed from it, take a break, even if it’s just half an hour or so.
I’ve been driving in Canadian winters for 30 years–some of them in the mountains and with a 4×4–and it still scares me. And if your car doesn’t have winter or snow-rated tires, buy some or get chains. All-season tires aren’t much good in real winter conditions. Real winter clothing, layered, is also recommended, plus the extra blankets comixchik mentioned. Leave extra time to get to your destination, and leave extra distance from the vehicle in front of you. Keep an eye on the weather and road conditions.
Most of the time, winter driving is fine. You just have to be prepared. 🙂
I used to be able to to service my cars, fiddle with the contact breaker, that sort of thing. But these days when I lift the bonnet (hood) all I see are covers and shrouds. I don’t know where to begin.
As for wheel nuts; I found that garages tightened them so hard that I couldn’t undo them. The answer is to get a long (extending) spanner, and jump on it. Alternatively, get a car with with wire wheels—these have a centre lock mechanism, and you just put a spanner over the large nut and bash it with a hammer. Don’t forget that they have right and left-handed threads.
Get a set of chains; modern ones are easy to put on, you don’t need to jack the car up.
Yah, soo… the challenge seems to be where exactly we draw the line on what fear is unreasonable. From what I can gather, in the perfect feminazi universe, women need fear nothing. I remind my daughters that many ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’ are not yet there, and even if they are appropriate ideals, the total cost of getting there may be prohibitive as unintended consequences unfold of otherwise well intended choices. Nothing wrong with someone relatively smaller and weaker choosing a different evaluation of risk than someone bigger and stronger. The US is not the Congo, but it is not a StarTrek utopia yet either. Safe travels.
Should you decide to go and travel through Colorado, my prayers will be with you, Maggie! I’ll also be thinking of you if I watch this movie on TV…
That’s such a great post Maggie. Bringing the political and personal together almost seamlessly while maintaining your usual passion throughout.
Very nice indeed.
But don’t forget that when women become adept at something they also have to remember how to act helpless when they still want some guy to do it for them.
Thank you! But no worries that I’ll ever forget how to do that. 😉
This is amusing to me… totally true… and I’m even guilty of it as a guy. Then again, I was taught to be that way, by my parents. My mom could handle herself too, she was a tom boy… but I was generally taught to look out for people I care about. As I got older, I realized a lot of women I know, were not like my mother and were not told or taught a lot things I categorize as basic life knowledge. I’ve tried to educate the willing ones, here and there when I can. You are right though… but, I’m old fashioned, I thought the fellas were supposed to keep an eye out for danger. 😀 Enjoy your trip.
I used to live in Montana, and one thing that was a truism was that it could — and did — snow any month of the year. I’ve been caught in sleet storms in July in Montana, nearly froze to death in Wyoming in September, and was in more than waist-deep snow in Colorado in June. But I also had an ex-GF who destroyed more than one car — my beloved SAAB included, and a Volvo — on snowy, icy roads in New York State and Pennsylvania.
While I agree largely with the “boy juice” theory, it can work both ways. One thing I’ll never forgive my mother for was inculcating fear in me as a child. It’s something I’ve had to battle all my life, and I would never want to instill it in any child of mine, boy or girl.
Have a good trip, Maggie, and there is no shame in taking a more southerly route. Oh, wait. There was the night I spent sleeping out on a picnic table in a snow storm in New Mexico. And the July snow in Nevada. And Utah. And . . .
Not gonna say a word about what the fear focuses on. Each of us has a different focus for our fear(s).
Huzzah for having the courage to push through that thing, and for the sense to be as prepared as you can be for what actually lies on the other side.
If you haven’t gone over the Rockies yet, look into these four tires: http://www.tirerack.com/tires/tests/testDisplay.jsp?ttid=167
Do NOT use all season tires if you’re expecting serious snow or ice conditions (Both the BMW and Porsche car clubs call all season tires “no season tires”, they suck ALL the time).
Here’s a comparison between an all season tire and a serious snow tire to illustrate (they include a summer performance tire, which nobody should ever use on snow or ice if they have a choice): http://www.tirerack.com/tires/tests/testDisplay.jsp?ttid=116
I own a smart fortwo which I traded in my 4×4 Chevy Blazer in on. When I owned my Blazer, my driveway was dead flat, except for the cut from the street to top of curb level. That was about an 8 inch rise over 4 feet. I prefer to back into my drive way, as pulling out nose first into the street is safer (there’s seldom any traffic in my drive way I have to worry about as I back in). If there was snow or ice on the driveway, I would have to put my Blazer in 4WD Low to make it up this rise, and this was with M+S rated tires (Mud and Snow). It NEVER, NOT ONCE, made it up the slope in either 2WD or 4WD High over 3 winters (although I gave up trying somewhere in there and would just get into position to back in, and swap to 4WD Low). A measly 4 foot long 8 inch rise and it just couldn’t do it (I never tried to drive in forward, maybe it would have managed that). I got modern snow tires for my smart fortwo, with the mountaintop with snowflake symbol on it (Pirellis, the only brand with the size for my car at that time). I never, not once, had a problem backing in to the driveway when it was covered with snow. Blizzaks or the other 3 tires in the test linked above are better than my pirellis. When they wear out, I’ll be replacing them with one of those four or something comparable/better. If you don’t already have real snow tires and live somewhere with winter (or even consistent cold weather – my smart’s owner’s manual recommends winter tires even in the absence of snow if the temperature is consistently below 45 degrees for a lengthy duration) you should look into it for safety reasons. Good tires will greatly reduce the chance of you losing control and winding up in a ditch.
One other thing… if the truckers around you are slowing down on level ground, slow down, too, as that can be a sign of poor road conditions ahead. I had a grandfather who was a trucker, they don’t slow down for the fun of it. I heeded his advice, and at least once it paid off. On an interstate in Wisconsin, I noticed all the truckers had slowed way down (this was late at night, during a mild snow storm, and really cold), so I did, too. Over about 5 minutes after I slowed down, 4 cars passed me. Shortly afterwards I passed all four of them in about a one mile stretch – they were all in the ditch or median. There was about a 10 mile stretch of REALLY bad traction, and they all lost it in the first mile of it. Obviously, the truckers had been communicating with each other about this, and so slowed down a bit before they reached it.
Apologies if I’m telling you something you already know, I’m only saying all this as a “better safe than sorry” topic. I want you around for a long while so I can continue to read your content.
You’ll be happy to know I’ll be taking a more southerly route; I have some business in Las Vegas I need to deal with first, so Jae’s going to fly down there to meet me and we’re going to go from there to Reno, to Sacramento and then up I-5 to Seattle. The only bad part will be over the Sierras.
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