I’m always a bit reluctant to share too much about my personal life, so when big things happen it sometimes takes me a little while to tell y’all. But this one is so big there is no real way to put it off because it’s already affecting me profoundly.
Grace is gone. My best friend of 27 years, the person I’ve relied on most for so very long, passed away late Friday night. I went to bed about 1:15 AM and, as usual, admonished her not to stay up too late. Just over an hour later I woke up and decided to go to the bathroom downstairs in order to run the water a bit as a precaution against freezing, since it was supposed to get quite cold. She was lying on her side on the kitchen floor, and at first I thought she had fainted as she has sometimes; when she wouldn’t awaken and I could find no pulse I started CPR, only to realize almost immediately that she was already quite dead. Her face was calm; there was no sign of pain or fear in it, and when the coroner arrived he agreed with me that it must’ve been very fast; her posture seemed to indicate she had gone down slowly, and she had not yelled for me or fallen with a thud. The signs seem to point to a massive stroke, possibly brought on by the cancer treatment; I think her poor body had simply been so sick for so long that it was only a matter of time.
I’m writing this on Sunday evening, and have spent the majority of the last two days crying. Everything I see reminds me of how I’ll never again see her smile, never again engage in the silly banter which used to pepper our days, never again get to regale her with some complex lecture in response to a simple question. For two years now I’ve been running a D&D game for her every Sunday, and unless we were expecting company we mostly just left everything on the table during the week; right now every time I look up I see her stuff at the other end of the table, including the little dragon fidget toy I got her for Christmas (she loved dragons and had many figurines and pictures of them).
As most of y’all know, I’m a creature of habit, and have schedules and routines for just about everything; in a sense, my life looks a lot like my blog. And I’m relying on those routines right now to lend structure to my days, which for the past five years have been structured around Grace and her needs, especially as she grew increasingly ill over the past year. I’m still caring for the animals as usual, still doing my research & promotion on social media, still washing the dishes and burning the garbage and all that. Because those things all still need to be done, and the alternative is crying nonstop instead of just frequently.
When my marriage was starting to fall apart, I threw myself into this blog, churning out essays at a prodigious rate so my mind would have something to chew on other than my pain. But Grace was with me that whole time, quietly offering her unflagging support; I’m not sure what will happen to my creative energy this time, so it’s possible you may notice some changes to adapt to that. Because there has never before been an Honest Courtesan site without her. I’m going to write a more extensive tribute to her soon, but I just don’t have the emotional energy right now; it will be sometime in February.
Requiescat in pace, my dearest friend; at last you are free of your failing body. But please forgive me for wishing you were still here with me.
Kyrie Eleison
The most painful thing about growing old is that one has to confront the impossibility of finding new old friends.
You have my sympathy for your loss
My deepest condolences to you. Your love for Grace has always been evident on these pages. Thank you, and Grace, for a glimpse into that love.
Heart felt condolences to you, Maggie, on this terrible loss. RIP for your dear friend.
So sorry to learn of your loss. There are no words other than I’m so sorry
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could say the right words to help you,
Heartfelt condolences. Having seen aging relatives who suffered through many types of cancers, psoriasis, depression & also currently seeing my grandfather deteriorate in the early stages of dementia, I have to agree with you that if there is a hereafter or even if there isn’t, Grace’s relatively swift passage has saved you both from a lot of needless suffering. I would view it as a final blessing afforded by the universe. I hope the powers that be also aid you in finding your way through this dark & lonely time. Always remember that you’re never truly alone, no matter how alone you may feel right now, even if that might sound like an empty platitude from a faceless stranger on the internet. Please take care of yourself.
Offering my deepest condolences and understanding as one who has lived the same with a loved one.
In our tradition we will light a special candle for your Grace which will burn continuously for thirteen days, and in tending it we will offer our intentions in her name.
You have many friends of whom you do not know and are here for you.
Deepest and sincere condolences. We shall remember her at Imbolc.
My heart is with you, Maggie. Losing a close friend is a heavy blow. But at least she did not suffer any longer.
Hugs if you want them.
Maggie,
as someone who has lost two grandmas, two grandpas, one great-grandma, an aunt, an uncle, a cousin, and my dad, you have my sympathy.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss, it is so very hard to lose a close and dear companion like Grace. I have learned through my own losses that even though they are gone the love shared remains in our hearts. Grace’s love will always be there in your heart, forever blessing you.
Condolences to you on your loss
My condolences to you. Please remember not to isolate yourself. Seek out comfort and consolation from your friends.
“It’s not how long you live, but how you live that matters.”
James Randolph Webster, Jr., MD, MS
Professor Emeritus, Medicine (Geriatrics)
I am so sorry for your loss. I have been having a lot of people around me dying and as always, it makes me realize life is too short. We never know when our last day will be so don’t put off things thinking you will do it. That time might never come. RIP Grace. Hugs to you.
So very sorry for your terrible loss.
Very sorry for your loss of your dearest friend Grace, Maggie. I imagine your sorrow.
In paradisum deducant te angeli.
I went through something similar with a beloved spouse as sole caregiver for quite some time. What hits after in terms of emotions and the physical can be hard. Often they hit not in the first months after, but in the years after. Can be quite challenging and damaging both in the physical and mental. Few see it coming.
You are always welcome to write or chat with me if you feel the need.
So sorry to hear this news. Thankfully you are able to share your grief with the world, while when I lost a beloved friend, I could only grief on my own.