A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. – Robert A. Heinlein
Today’s column is for the ladies. Gentlemen are certainly welcome to read, comment and share the column with the women in your lives (if you dare), but my comments will all be directed toward the ladies and will therefore assume female gender. I’ve been thinking about doing this one for a while, but a few factors (including some emails I’ve received and day-before-yesterday’s column) have at last inspired me to sit down and actually write it. If any of my female readers have specific technique questions which I can’t cover herein without being graphic (sorry, guys), I’ll be happy to answer them privately via confidential email.
One night at UNO I was sitting around talking with several other girls, and when one said something about putting out for her boyfriend another replied haughtily, “I would never give a man sex unless I wanted it, too.”
Even back in those pre-professional days I considered that sort of attitude completely asinine, so I asked her, “Do you have a dog?” (knowing full well she did).
“What?” she asked, annoyed at my apparent change of subject.
“It’s a straightforward question,” I replied; “Do you, or do you not, have a dog?”
“You know I do!” she snapped.
“And you walk it every night?”
“Of course!”
“What if you don’t want to?”
“I still have to anyway, or she’ll go on the carpet during the night!”
“What if it’s raining?”
“Then my dad takes her for me!” The dumb bunny had no idea where I was going, but the smiles told me the other girls did.
“In other words, you care more about a dog than you do about a man.”
“How do you get that?”
“When one has a living creature under one’s care, it is one’s responsibility to take care of that creature’s needs, or else to arrange for someone else to do so. And if you shirk that responsibility, you only have yourself to blame for the inevitable and foreseeable consequences.”
Unfortunately, this girl’s attitude is not at all unusual nowadays; women used to understand that men had sexual needs which it was a wife’s responsibility to provide for. But as I discussed in my column of July 21st, decades of lies and neofeminist propaganda that men and women are the same and that women should only accept sex when they desire it (and for no other reason) have done tremendous damage to the male-female dynamic; ignorant modern women not only feel that husbands should be satisfied with whatever sexual pickings their wives choose to dole out, however meager or restricted, but also refuse to understand that a starving man will seek food elsewhere if it isn’t available at home. Every escort hears it over and over again: “My wife doesn’t give me sex any more,” or “after the kids my wife lost interest,” or some other variation on it. These men have no reason to lie; they want us to understand that they are driven by need, and the sadness in their voices is unmistakable. The statement that “no woman should have to have sex if she doesn’t want it” ignores the simple fact that in today’s world a woman does not need to marry for support any longer, just as my silly schoolmate did not need to own a dog. 
Getting married is a free choice, and carries responsibilities with the privileges. If you refuse to take care of your dog you should give him to somebody who will, and if you refuse to give sex to your husband you should either divorce him or suggest he satisfy his needs elsewhere with your blessing. You cannot have your cake and eat it, too; a man is NOT a woman, and if you expect him to respect your choice not to have sex with him, you in turn must respect his choice to get it from somebody else.
Women who actually starve their husbands are in the minority, though; the more typical wife merely offers such repetitive and unpalatable fare that her husband simply loses his appetite for her cooking and yearns to dine elsewhere. One of my correspondents recently wrote, “I know so many women who say their men are apt to fall asleep in front of the TV or play on the computer all evening; sex seems to be not very high on their list of priorities.”
I replied, “Not to be mean, but what isn’t ‘high on their list of priorities’ is boring, repetitive sex with their dumpy, frowsy wives who sit around in sweatsuits with short hair and only want sex when they’re interested in the way they want it, and everything else is greeted with ‘That’s disgusting!’ or ‘You’re a pervert!’ or ‘I’m not gonna do that!’ Those same men are plenty interested in young-looking, well-kept escorts who have maintained their figures, dress in a feminine manner and will give them the kind of sex they want when they want it.”
When you’re done jumping up and down, screaming at me and calling me a bitch, sit down and listen to what I’m trying to tell you. I understand that some women’s figures go south after having kids and that it’s difficult to reclaim them, but I’ll bet most husbands understand it as well; that’s not what I’m talking about. I’ll use my own family as an example; I am the eldest of four sisters who all look much alike and started out with similar figures, though our personalities are all different. All three of my sisters had two children each; the third sister is most like me in personality and still looks hot at 41, the youngest is athletic and has a very trim figure at 40, and the second is fat and dumpy. The two younger sisters and I dress attractively and wear our hair in flattering styles; the second wears sweatsuits and “fat clothes” and chopped her hair off boy-short while she was pregnant with her first baby. Finally, the two younger sisters and I treat our husbands well, while the second won’t lift a finger for hers; though I’m not privy to the details of my sisters’ sex lives, does anyone here have any doubt whose husband is most likely to cheat? There are no great biological differences between us; it was the psychological differences which caused the one sister to stop trying, and her appearance mirrors her behavior. Every aspect of her dress and grooming screams “I don’t care whether you find me attractive or not!” to her husband and everyone else with eyes to see.
Just being overweight is not the problem, though many women love to use it as an excuse. Lots of men like plump women, and I daresay the average man whose wife has put on too much weight would still be happy with her sexually if she made every other effort to attract him. Don’t believe me? Turn off the goddamned TV, put down Cosmo and surf the escort sites on the internet for a while; you’ll find quite a few “BBW” (Big Beautiful Woman) escorts, women who are definitely fat but still make the effort to look nice and give men what they need sexually. Yes, a good figure goes a long way (and for most women is very sustainable with sensible eating and regular exercise), but dress, grooming and attitude go much farther, especially for a woman who has the advantage of already being married to the man she’s trying to attract!
If you want to keep your husband sexually happy the best advice I can give you is, get the word “no” out of your vocabulary! Any woman over the age of 16 should have noticed that all men are, to put it bluntly, perverts by female standards; as the picture at right reminds us, everything turns men on! Yes, a lot of what they like is weird or gross or nasty or even funny to most women; so what? Do you personally have to judge dog food palatable before you give it to your dog? As long as what your husband wants in bed doesn’t actually hurt you or give you serious doubts about his masculinity, what difference does it make? You’ve had his semen inside you hundreds of times, so why does it matter if he wants to put it on your butt, tits, stomach, face or hair sometimes? And trust me, I know better than you how it tastes; if you’re having sex for the flavor, you’re doing it for the wrong reason. He wants to tie you up? Let him! Great Aphrodite, you trust him with your life every day, so why is this different? Are you afraid you’ll like it? And why is it too much trouble to wear stockings and a garter belt for him? We all wore them every day until pantyhose were invented! You liked playing dress-up when you were seven; reclaim the fun and pretend to be a nurse or hooker or whatever it is he wants. You might enjoy it!
Even if you’re afraid of something he wants (such as anal sex), would it kill you to at least consider it? Don’t refuse him out of hand; think about it. Ask questions and do research on the internet. Work up to it by slow stages, and ask him to be patient with you; if all else fails, see if you can work out some kind of compromise. So his fantasy is to have both you and your sister? I don’t blame you for refusing to do that, but how about compromising by hiring an escort to be the other woman? Don’t worry, she’s not after your husband! She’s just there to do her job, which in this case is to allow the two of you to explore a fantasy which would otherwise be impossible.
Even if you already do all this stuff, your husband may still hire prostitutes; the male animal craves variety, and some are unwilling or unable to put that craving aside. Trust me, sister, this is not something to worry about unless you can’t afford it or it becomes an obsession (too much of anything is bad). He’s not going to leave you for a whore, and she’s a lot safer than an affair (as I discussed in my column of August 2nd). So if you do find out your husband has been occasionally indulging in the hobby, do yourself a favor and consider all of your options before having a hissy-fit and doing something you may later regret.
If all of this seems too difficult, you can certainly just keep on the course you’ve set, but if your relationship hits the rocks solely because you couldn’t be bothered to tend the wheel there is nobody to blame but yourself. In the final analysis you married your husband for a reason, most likely nowadays because you loved him. If you don’t love him any more, why are you still with him? And if you do still love him, isn’t making him happy worth a bit of effort?
