Minor things can become moments of great revelation when encountered for the first time. – Margot Fonteyn
A week ago Friday (March 11th), I received the following email from a young man who asked to be called “Joseph”:
First, allow me to say that I greatly admire your blog. I stumbled across it while trying to find out more about that recent CNN special about ‘selling the girl next door’ and found it very enlightening, intriguing and engrossing. And a bit frustrating, since I am in my mid-20’s, still a virgin, never even had a girlfriend (one high school crush notwithstanding) and can’t envision getting laid unless I found someone like yourself (in your previous job of course). That’s impossible because of my job (military stationed overseas).
Since I can’t ask you to help me break regulations and find a professional in my area, I have another question. You’ve mentioned that occasionally parents would hire you to take their son’s virginity. Would you ever talk more about that? I’m not looking for lurid details, mind you, but what were those jobs like? Did the parents tell you why they went to such lengths? Did the son know about what the parents were going to do?
Anyway, thank you for your time and keep up the fine work. I read your blog every day.
As I’ve written before I’m especially fond of military men, so I told Joseph that I would be happy to oblige. Joseph, if I don’t answer your questions adequately please let me know and I’ll try to elaborate in a response!
At the time I received my first such request, my personal policy was not to see men under 21; any younger than that just didn’t feel right. Not that we exactly had a large volume of requests from men that young, mind you; it’s pretty rare that any man below about 25 has the money to hire an escort. Once in a while there’s the frat boy type, but that’s about it. Well one night, I went on what I expected to be a normal call; the gentleman sounded middle-aged, was polite, from another state, staying in a nice hotel, that sort of thing. And when I got there he was much as I had expected, but before he paid me he told me that he had actually called me for his son, who had just turned 18. Now, I knew that at one time it was not at all uncommon for fathers to hire prostitutes to take their sons’ virginity, but it’s not exactly usual nowadays and in any event I had never done it. Still, I’ve never been one to turn down new experiences so I agreed.
The young man was, understandably, very nervous; it didn’t seem to bother him that I was 10 years older than he was (actually 15, but I claimed 28 in those days), but he had never been alone with a naked woman in a well-lit room before. I asked him what sort of experience he had and it was the usual fumbling through clothes in dark cars with high-school girls, so I invited him to look me over and touch me as he pleased. Like many virgins he was almost too gentle for fear of hurting me, but I assured him he needn’t be so tentative and that if he accidentally hurt me I would let him know. We didn’t do anything really unusual; I gave him the typical activities most men like, and even though I didn’t usually kiss clients I was happy to show him how most girls like to be kissed. I kept the pace relaxed and interspersed with bits of casual conversation so he could see I wasn’t all that different from any other women he had known. Inexperienced men often find experienced women quite intimidating, so I was careful to make everything seem as natural and comfortable as I could.
From my high school and university days I knew that virgins and near-virgins tend either to climax very quickly or to take an extremely long time due to nerves and performance anxiety; he was one of the latter sort, so I kissed and verbally encouraged him until nature took its course. We then lay together for a long time while I caressed his chest and reassured him; like many young men he was very concerned that he had performed adequately. I said he had done just great and that if he always strove to pay attention in bed, to give his partners more of whatever they seemed to like and to avoid whatever they seemed not to like, I was pretty sure most of his future girlfriends would be very happy with him. All in all, I really made an effort to make the experience as special and memorable to him as possible; after all, to me he was only one customer, but to him I was and always would be his first. And I must have succeeded, because later that evening I got a call from the father thanking me for making his son so happy; apparently the young man was singing my praises after I left!
He was the first young man whom I initiated, but he wasn’t the last; sometimes they paid for themselves, one was paid for by his friends (they took up a collection!) and another was actually arranged by his mother. The latter was a very cool lady; we talked on the phone for quite a while so she could feel me out, and when she was satisfied that I was the right woman for the job she tasked me to show her son how to make love because she wanted him to know the right way before he inflicted himself on coeds. What made the date even more interesting, however, was that the boy wasn’t a virgin after all; he just didn’t want to hurt his mother’s feelings by telling her after she had gone through all the trouble to carefully select and interview an escort! It turned out Mama had nothing to worry about; he did at least as well as the average man, which was really my experience with most virgins. It was certainly the case with a young Indian man in his late twenties who had come to America to make his fortune and was about to send for his bride; he wanted to be sure he knew what he was doing so he could make her happy in bed. And though he asked me to critique his performance, I could find nothing to complain about.
Indeed, this sort of thing happened so consistently with virgins I sometimes wondered if most men don’t start out with good instincts and then tend to lose them over time. Perhaps as some men gain experience and confidence they start taking for granted that they know what they’re doing, or perhaps they fall into bad habits that none of their lovers bother to correct. Some men may just be so selfish that once the initial novelty wears off, they just don’t care about what women (especially not paid women) might like, and others may be so mired in the masculine “never ask for directions” thing that they try to teach themselves (by reading books or watching porn or whatever) and end up firmly convinced of their own expertise no matter how wrong they are. I’ll bet a lot of them even learn from other virgins, and when the blind lead the blind the outcome is not likely to be a good one. Maybe the parents who hired me for their sons understood that; in the absence of an older girlfriend to learn from, perhaps for a young man to enjoy his first time with a caring and patient harlot isn’t at all a bad idea.
Reminds me of a call I went on with a man who was asexual. No I didn’t forget the space. He hired me because he had no sexual urges whatsoever (I guess I could research this strange phenomenon). He was a virgin, late 20’s, was not attracted to women, men, sheep, or anything. He wasn’t comfortable talking to a psychiatrist or other professional in part because he wanted to try to get aroused (and like some psych person is going to try and do that with him). I tried everything. Blow jobs, being sexy and seductive, porn, stimulating oils. Nothing aroused this man. I may as well have been licking and rubbing on his arm for all the feeling he could get from it. And yea, I thought it might have been a trick for me to work harder but come on, nature eventually takes it’s course and whereas he would get slightly stiff at times, it just never happened.
The poor guy was on the verge of tears, not understanding how or why he was different but he thanked me profusely for trying, told me it had nothing to do with me personally but that was just the way it had always been.
I urged him to seek out a professional, either a physician to determine if there was something physical that inhibited him or a psychiatrist to see if it was mental. I told him to tell them that he had hired the services of a professional escort and had attempted to have sexual contact with women he was attracted to (which is what he told me during our appointment) but that nothing seemed to work.
I don’t know what happened to him. He seemed to be almost suicidal he was so frustrated and I sincerely hope that didn’t happen to him.
bdevereaux: I’m afraid that what you’ve described is a case of sexual dysfunction not at all unusual in our culture. When any organ isn’t stimulated during development, the relative part of the brain atrophies, and the organ suffers reduced sensitivity at the least, all the way to complete dysfunction.
More common in females: little girls have clitoral erections but if they are “inhibited” (mentally castrated) their sexual brain and the unstimulated muscle in the clitoris itself atrophy. Many women I’ve met say they don’t remember ever having a clitoral erection.
Feminists say the clitoris is simply in the wrong place, so inhibited women aren’t sexually functional – they simply need a vibrator to correct nature’s “mistake.” But some women do experience orgasm during intercourse, so research is needed to determine if those women were uninhibited in childhood.
Good luck trying to get funding for such research in the current climate of sex hysteria.
Thanks for the reply SH. We are not speaking in terms of in utero correct? Are you meaning the development stage of say toddlerhood and up when children are exploring their bodies? Similar to babies discovering their toes? I can certainly see some parents saying “Oh honey look, he discovered his toes! How cute!” and then freaking out when they discover (and play with) their genitals.
Ummm, where do feminists think the clitoris is supposed to be?
I rarely have orgasms at any time OTHER than intercourse. 😐
LOL totally opposite. I rarely have orgasms with intercourse only 🙂
We’re all put together a little differently. My difficulty with non-intercourse orgasms is one of the reasons I could never be a full-time lesbian. 🙂
I have orgasms from intercourse and clitoral stimulation both. I was once frigid. There was nothing wrong with me physically. It was the result of verbal sexual abuse. It shocked me to learn that in counseling, to be honest. In the long run it confirmed to me how damaging words can be and how careful we all need to be about what we say at ALL times. These feminists who say women only need a vibrator would get an earful from me. I’m NOT the only 1 who was frigid from verbal sexual abuse. While I was advised by my psychologist to GET a vibrator and use it, there was a lot more OTHER THINGS besides that to do for me to get well.
Our sexuality is so much more than our physicality, isn’t it? Of course it simply begins there with our physical selves, but it’s influenced by our experiences, our psychology, our socialisation and our degree of influence by “societal norms”, even when those latter are deeply negative messages that prove very harmful to us.
I think, taken as a whole, we can be too sensitive to other-centric messages, to a fault. It’s become an ever wider character flaw, instilled in us by more and more messages “from the outer world”.
It’s perhaps time we started listening to our “inner self” first, and love who we are, as we are. We are our scars, our changes, our beliefs, our words, and our acts. They may never meet with the “approval of the world”, but we should not strive for that; simply accept ourselves as we are, and if happy with that, simply be; if not, change ourselves at our own bidding, for ourselves.
I’m reminded of an old Yorkshire proverb :
“There’s only two sane folks in the world, and thats thee and me.
And I ain’t so sure about thee, neither”
❤
Wow, Maggie – you should be a subject of scientific study! The feminist I read said the clitoris should be in the vagina. (“The Technology of Orgasm: ‘Hysteria,’ the Vibrator, and Sexual Satisfaction,” by Rachel P. Maines.)
A problem I see is that most women don’t want to talk about it at all. When I ask a woman if she ever has clitoral erections, I typically get a blank stare. If I ask if they ever fake orgasms, they blsuh.
Maggie, you should write about your early experience and sex education, Do you remember clitoral erections? Were you free to masturbate throughout childhood without being terrorized about going blind (as parents do in Italy)?
Oh, nonsense; orgasms during intercourse aren’t unusual, though they aren’t universal either. The reason I can’t have them in other ways is because my clit is tiny and most people have trouble staying on the right spot.
The feminist you read is an idiot. The clitoris is where it is because the penis is where it is; how the hell could it be in some different place? One might as well argue that men “shouldn’t” have nipples or that none of us “should” have an appendix. Mother Nature is not constrained to do things in a way which is convenient for individual humans.
I wrote about my early sexuality in my column of July 28th, but I can’t really say I have ever noticed any “feeling” of a clitoral erection as separate and distinct from the general feeling of arousal. As for the rest, here’s a quote from the aforementioned column: “I suspect this is the reason I never developed the unhealthy attitude about sex with which many girls are inflicted; my mother never told me anything about it, positive or negative, beyond the obvious things like “it isn’t nice to pick your dress up over your head to show people your underwear.”
Same with my mom. What I learned about sex was from more ‘experienced’ girls in high school. I can’t remember my mom telling me anything except don’t do it. Reverse psychology would have worked better on me in those days.
I talked to my boys about sex but when I asked them a few years later if they remember me talking to them about it, they said the only thing they remembered was my telling them to always wear a condom. Well I guess if they only remembered that it was a far cry better than nothing. So far I have no grandchildren and they haven’t caught an STD.
What I learned about sex was from more ‘experienced’ girls in high school.
This is extremely common. So common in fact that the Japanese have a word for it: mimidoshima. You can hear it thirty-seven seconds into this popular song from the 1980s, Sailor fuku wo nugasanaid (Don’t make me take off my school uniform).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT4X6TD_BP4
The song is, appropriately enough, about a girl’s mixed feelings over the impending end of her own virginity.
bdevereaux,
“I can’t remember my mom telling me anything except don’t do it.”
When I was 16 and had my first serious girlfriend my mum had a ‘talk’ with me. She got out the big carving knife and she waved it right in front of my face and said “If you get a girl pregnant I’m going to cut your penis off with this. That is a promise.”
My mum was a woman of her word. She certainly made her message clear to me. This must have been worked out between my mum and dad because my Dad never said one word about this. They were the best parents a lad ever had.
Maybe the setting you ask them in makes them blush. To be honest, if I were asked these things in a public place I’d blush. But, if I were asked when others aren’t around, I’d be glad to answer.
Dear Sailor Barsoom, thanks for sharing your information!
I’m always happy to spread the joy of cute, girly J-pop.
Maggie, I hope you’ll please excuse the long post here. I wrote this to a gentleman who was struggling with the question “Will the fact that I had to pay for it, make my first sexual experience any less meaningful”. I got a good bit of positive feedback on it and thought it might be worth sharing on here.
Speaking as one who did pay. I understand your concern. I was fortunate in that I found a lady who was very open to the idea of “Yeah this is a business but that does not mean we can’t still become good friends”. If it is a serious concern, look for a lady whose style is to “build a connection” and who is willing to spend some time getting to know each other better and build that friendship.
The lady I partnered with, spent 3 months exchanging text messages and talking to me over the phone on a near daily basis. Even now, two weeks after the party she still drops me an occasional text or email just to say hello. This knowing we might not party again for 12 months (can’t party with the same girl twice. Afraid of developing a crush). Its a major milestone in your life and it is sort of a turn on to many of the ladies and just as exciting to them. Because as one woman put it “Its the one type of party where you get to become a major part of a client’s life and someone whom he’ll remember for the rest of his”. Now that might be over thinking it a fuzz too, but not by much.
Guys or gals alike, almost everyone whom you ask, doesn’t seem to have rosy memories about their first time. They were too young, it was too painful or awkward, too nervous, whatever… Hey part of the reason it took me nearly 32 years to pop my cherry had to do with having three very awful experiences with partners during previous attempts in my late teens-early 20’s. Messed me up in the head and made me afraid to try again for nearly 8 YEARS !!
With a pro, you’re working with someone whose job is to ensure that you have a great time and that your experience goes well. They are very knowledgeable about sex and especially if they are experienced, very good at what they do. The reputable ladies almost always go above and beyond to take extra good care of virgins.
So not only will the lady almost certainly see to it that you have a wonderful time, she will teach you both about safety, how to have pleasure, and how to give pleasure to future partners.
My experience was unique, I had a whole lot else going on and it was an important event to me for several other reasons. However, the fact that it was a business transaction, did not detract from it being an important and very meaningful event in my life. Even more importantly, I am very glad I decided to make my first time, one with a professional.
Least your readers wonder. I went through some rough times and everyone who helped me simply said go help someone else if you want to repay me. This is stuff I wish I had known and understood six months ago. It would have saved me a lot of confusion and stress. So again, I simply hope this helps someone. hurting guys out there who might be too afraid to post.
Just a couple of practical things I learned from the experience that by themselves justified partnering with a pro.
Prior attempts had been physically painful to me. The lady discovered and resolved the cause of that seconds after the door closed. I’d been using the wrong size of condom.
She had also forewarned me that often it takes older v’s much longer to achieve that first climax that they are used to. Her instructions were “When that becomes apparent, don’t panic. You’re going to think something is wrong with you. I assure you that is very unlikely. Just breath deep, relax, keep your eyes on me and we’ll get through it”.
If my partner had not been so knowledgeable and concerned, those two obstacles would have led to another horrible encounter.
However because the lady I was with knows what she’s doing and takes pride in her profession, those problems were minor and easily resolved without stress or worry. Ultimately I had a wonderful time and I left feeling like I’d made a new friend (not romantic). The whole experience was very good for me emotionally and mentally.
Because I’m not having to fight the “fear of the unknown” so far as sex is concerned. I now have a whole lot more confidence when it comes to women. Carnal activity is no longer this long “desired but little understood, mysterious scary endeavor” to me. Its a fun thing, to be enjoyed, not dreaded or feared.
Alright, I’ve abused your good graces enough. Sorry again for the long posts. I’ve a bit of a reputation for that.
My first time was an older woman I didn’t know from Eve. My brother set it up. Apparently she did it because I was a virgin. The idea excited her. I was with her again the following night. I haven’t seen her since. But I’ve never forgotten her, and I’m grateful to her.
I was lucky, because I didn’t give it to somebody as clueless as myself. But if you don’t want to depend on luck and don’t happen to have an enthusiastic older woman handy, a professional cherry picker is the way to go.
And now that I think of it, might this be the one situation where a woman paying for a sexual encounter might make sense? Probably not; finding an older, more experienced man is pretty easy for a woman.
But girls, please, no fake IDs! If you’re jailbait, find a guy willing to take the risk.
I was jail bait, and the guy knew it, but he also knew that wild horses couldn’t have dragged his name from my lips. Later I did sleep with guys who were legally “too old” without telling them, but that was long before the invention of sex offender registries and such relationships were not exactly viewed as high priority for cops and prosecutors unless the parents raised a huge stink or something.
Yeah, it was a different thing back then. I guy could get off with “I didn’t know” if the girl would admit she hadn’t told him (and it wasn’t obvious).
I paid for my first time; I was in my last year of college and overseas, in Macao. I’d never been good at the “dating” thing. In HS, I had no money to spend and, prior to senior year, no car, which, as I commented to my female classmates at one reunion “meant ‘no status and, therefore, no girlfriend.'” I was amused to see that they all agreed wholeheartedly. And the particular college I went to wasn’t a good place to get caught up on my skillz.
I’ve been incel for over 25 years, and would cheerfully mortgage my soul to have a nice legal professional in my reach (meaning “I can reach her and I can afford her services.”) My experiences with girlfriends…not so good.
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The way I’m reblogging your posts, I might as well call my blog Maggie’s Fanclub …
Dammit.
Reblogged this on The Commenter.