Archive for March 31st, 2011

A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer. –  Bruce Lee

Another monthly collection of (I hope) helpful answers to questions posed by curious readers.

How do you expose a gay man pretending to be a woman on a chat site?

Well, first of all, not every man pretending to be a woman on a chat site is gay.  As I discussed in my column of November 14th, some are trolls or “geeks” desperate for attention, others are cops or injustice perverts trying to trick people, and many are probably just horny guys trying to create interactive porn stories they can wank themselves to. But no matter what the motivation, a guy is a guy and will tend to act and think like a guy despite his best efforts to disguise himself.  It’s a pretty safe bet that any chat-room “woman” you get a really strange “vibe” from is probably a man, and if “she” wants to start talking about sex right away or asks you to describe or send pictures of your penis, you’re almost certainly talking to a guy.

But let’s assume your cyberdrag aficionado is practiced enough to avoid such rookie mistakes; how can you tell then?  Well, you could ask questions that real women can answer easily but men tend to have trouble with, like bust size; confused by porn and men’s magazines, guys will often combine a bust measurement with a cup size to create hybrids like “42D”, which would be the bra size of a rather big woman.  The relationship between measurements and dress size is also a mystery to most men; if your self-proclaimed “hot babe” claims to be busty but supposedly wears a size 2 dress, it’s either a guy or a fat woman with a really low opinion of your intelligence.  Just for comparison, I’m 5’5” tall and 132#, wear a 34DDD bra, my waist is 25” and my hips are 36”, and I wear about a size 7 if the dress is cut loose or made with spandex, 9 if it’s tight or of stiffer fabric.  There are others, but obviously you might just be a “cyberqueen” yourself trying to trick me into giving you a checklist.  Your best bet is just to pay attention to conversational style, which is hard to fake.

In the comments for my February Q & A column Americanus wrote, “It’s very nice to see women giving such great advice on blow jobs.  It may sound selfish but I certainly would be open to advice on how to improve on oral from my end as well.

The single most important piece of sexual advice I can give a man is “pay attention”.  Most women are very sensitive to our partners’ feelings and often aren’t entirely honest about what we like for fear of bruising male egos; we thus tend to remain silent when we don’t like something because the truth is often greeted with the sort of hurt look one sees on the face of a kicked dog.  So we fake orgasms, endure bad oral sex and suggest changing positions to escape activities which have become intolerable.  And even if you have unusually high self-esteem and can accept the sexual criticism most men cannot, your partner may not know that and probably won’t risk finding out.  But there’s a way to break the cycle:  don’t listen to her words, pay attention to her reactions.  As you try your favorite oral technique on her, watch and listen for sounds of pleasure and arousal; if you don’t see them, try something else until you hit on something that seems to work better.  Do more of whatever she seems to like and less of whatever she seems to dislike or not care about, and you’ll be surprised at how quickly your technique improves.  Ladies, this works in reverse as well; most men will unconsciously pick up on such cues, so make sure you visibly and/or audibly react to things you like so as to encourage them, and go quiet and still for things you dislike so as to discourage them.  This lets him know your preferences without the risk of hurting his feelings, and has the advantage of letting him think the changes in technique are his idea.

A few dos and don’ts are in order, though; guys, the most sensitive part of a woman’s sexual anatomy is the clitoris, not the vagina.  Licking and (if it’s large enough) sucking on the clit will accomplish a lot more than trying to stick your tongue inside her or lapping her vulva like a dog drinking from a bowl.  Some women’s clits are so sensitive they cannot stand to have them directly touched; if your lady is like that just work though the hood.  In other cases (including yours truly) the clitoral hood is so thick that unless it’s moved you won’t accomplish anything; this is a prime example of the need for paying attention.  Finally, remember that the entire area is very sensitive; a stubbly face rubbed or ground into a woman’s crotch can be acutely painful.

Though there are a few constants, different women like different things so there is no substitute for learning your partner’s individual preferences.  And I suspect we’ll get a demonstration of that over the next few days as my female readers chime in on what they enjoy best in oral technique.

Recently, a guy started a thread on ECCIE in which he asked why mature escorts are still interested in sex while so many middle-aged women aren’t.  He asked if they used hormones or special exercises or anything like that.  What’s your opinion on the subject?

Don’t tell me, let me guess:  The thread was full of escorts talking about how “horny” they are all the time.  I really don’t know why guys start threads like that on hooker boards; do they actually expect honest answers, or are they just looking for fantasy material?  If any of those women answered honestly it could adversely affect her business; most men prefer to embrace the myth of the wanton than to acknowledge the uncomfortable reality that escorts have sex for money, not because they’re nymphos who want nothing better than to jump into bed with an endless series of (often unappealing) strangers.  Obviously, escorts are generally more open to sex than many amateurs or else they wouldn’t be very successful, but for the most part the reason they’re more “interested” than wives is that their livelihoods depend on it.  In defense of the wives, I must point out that if their husbands flattered and pursued them like they do whores the wives might feel (and act) a whole lot sexier.  Of course, the average high-dollar hooker puts forth a lot more effort to be sexy than the average wife, so it cuts both ways.  If both husbands and wives tried a little harder, their sex lives might not go south quite as badly.  As for the hormone thing, I already discussed that on February 5th.

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