Prejudice is the child of ignorance. – William Hazlitt
Every so often a reader asks a question so important that I feel it needs an entire column; this is one of those times.
I am a woman in my late twenties, and have been a part-time sex worker on and off for the last seven years. I’ve been a prostitute, done porn, worked in a jack-off booth and am currently working as a stripper. It has always been a way for me to get by or pay off debt while in school or pursuing some non- or low-paying interest. I would like your opinion on coming out as a sex worker. Aside from generally feeling that honesty and openness are key parts of close relationships, I also feel like this is important because I believe the impact of knowing someone who does (fill in the blank) can be huge in terms of changing prevailing attitudes (which is a big part of changing bad laws, in my opinion).
So then, it seems we should be out to our parents, our hairdressers and everyone in between. However, I fear the backlash. I fear that my very loving family would feel hurt by my choices; I know that people lose jobs over sex work done in the distant past; and perhaps most of all, I don’t love sex work. It’s been a great help to me in life and I’m glad I’ve done it, but still it is and has been a part time job that I do for money, not a career I pursue because I love it. I certainly don’t think there is anything wrong with it and I am not ashamed, but I also don’t want to come across to people I meet as if it’s the most important part of my identity. To me it is much like waiting tables, bartending or any other job that simply suits one well enough that they can stand it and do it competently. For example, I volunteer with a program to tutor school kids; I love it and would hate to give it up so when a fellow volunteer asks what I do, I lie. I am much more interested in helping kids than I am in stripping; but guess which one people will pay me to do? Yeah. And that’s fine, but I wish prevailing attitudes were more understanding of this reality.
So – do you wish sex workers were balls to the walls out to all? I want to fight the hypocrisy. What do you think is the best way for sex workers to do so, ideally without completely compromising their futures that may or may not involve sex work?
It’s a very tough decision, and one every sex worker must make for herself because everyone’s situation is different. You’ve done an excellent job here of summing up the pros and the cons: on the one hand honesty, clarity and helping to fight prejudice; on the other family reactions and potential exclusion from things you really want to do.
I think it’s extremely important for women who don’t love the work to come out, because I honestly believe they’re the majority. Everybody hears from the “happy hookers” and the “survivors”, but as I explained in my column of one year ago today that presents a false dichotomy; for most of the women I’ve known it was a job like any other, with its own advantages and disadvantages, and they did it as long as it worked for them and stopped when it didn’t any more. They didn’t need to be “rescued”, and they weren’t so “damaged” they couldn’t do anything else; they entered sex work and left it as it suited them, just as one might do with any other job. And that in itself forms a strong argument for decriminalization; how many of that middle group might really be able to enjoy it if it weren’t for the problems imposed by criminalization, and how many of them are eventually driven to hate it by those same problems, yet locked into it by the inability to find anything nearly as lucrative due to a criminal record? If you’d like more reasons, Furry Girl and Amanda Brooks have both written eloquently on the subject of why more of us should be “out”.
However, the reaction of family is a very real concern for many of us; my mother stopped talking to me when I became a stripper, and I don’t think my husband’s family would take it too well now. My husband’s job is also an issue; though I don’t have any regular job to be fired from for having been a hooker, it’s certainly possible my husband’s employers might take a dim view of both my past and my activism and decide that he wasn’t the sort of person they wanted in a highly-paid position of trust. There’s also the reactions of neighbors to consider; though sex workers who live in large, cosmopolitan or accepting cities probably won’t attract a lot of attention by being “out”, it would be the talk of the entire county where I live. And while that’s good from the point of view of letting people know that sex workers aren’t freaks and criminals, it does open one up to the same sort of persecution as “sex offender” registrants have to deal with (though obviously much less severe).
Then there are government actors to consider; this is an especial problem for hookers due to criminalization. Though most of the lawyers to whom I’ve mentioned the issue agree that the police can’t really arrest a woman for simply saying “I am a prostitute” in public, the information may certainly motivate them to spy on her, plant evidence, make false accusations, etc. Nor are police the only concern; so-called “child protection” agents are infamous for using any excuse whatsoever to abduct people’s kids, and many a whore’s children have been stolen from her in this way. And though their jobs are not illegal, I’m willing to bet other sex workers (including strippers, porn actresses etc) have similar stories. Furthermore, there are tax officials to consider; the American IRS is often employed as a weapon against people the government wishes to harass, and European tax authorities have a long history of making outrageous client-volume estimates and then presenting huge bills to uppity whores (fortunately, that’s largely a thing of the past in most of Europe). Because of these concerns, being “out” is less of an option for women currently working in prostitution than in other forms of sex work, and more of an option for those without children, a husband or an occupation which might fire her for her “sin”. We only have to look at the stronger, healthier sex worker rights movements in countries where prostitution itself is legal (even if oppressed by avails laws, soliciting laws, etc) to see the advantages of being able to come out, but the disadvantages are equally obvious.
So though I’d love to be fully “out”, I’ve adopted a sort of middle path; perhaps you or some other ladies might be able to do something similar, if you find it impossible (as I do) to opt for complete disclosure. I am fully “out” to my friends, a few trusted family members and primary physicians; I use no cover stories with them, and speak as openly about my profession as I would if I were still a librarian. To everyone else from neighbors to store clerks, I openly admit to having been a stripper and to having done nude modeling; furthermore, I’m an outspoken libertarian and (loudly and publicly) denounce laws against prostitution and other consensual crimes to anyone who will listen. It’s not a perfect compromise, but at least I can come out as a type of sex worker and to call attention to the stupidity and tyranny of anti-sex worker laws without bringing disaster down on my head.
Maggie gave a great answer.
She’s spot on, a large part of how out you can be depends on how it will affect your life after sex work. Be cautious and test the waters. When I decided to leave the business, after a lot of years, I got a job in a small printing/copying shop, where I learned to operate all the machinery. That got me onto bigger jobs. I lost one job when my co-workers saw a re-play of a certain radio-television show I’d been on. So it can all come back to bite you.
Still, to the people close to me in life, I’m out. At work, to my neighbors, I’m not. You pick your battles.
“I lost one job when my co-workers saw a re-play of a certain radio-television show I’d been on.”
The co-worker was safe in their job because it’s totally acceptable to admit to watching porn (or whatever it was) and as equally not-acceptable to perform in it. A double standard, of course; and one you can’t avoid. (Love the sin, hate the sinner.) And saying you were a stripper isn’t so safe, for the same reason; and also because for many/most people, stripper is synonymous with whore — it’s not about the reality, it’s about the perception. As is actress, again perceived as being synonymous with whore, though you could say you were an actor (implying serious roles), playing bit parts, resting a lot but you were never discovered. There can’t be many places where you could be wholly truthful about the past; so be careful, compromise, give as little as possible away; be “economical with the verité”.
If you have/had an online presence, Brooke Magnanti’s blog has tips about how to remain hidden:
http://sexonomics-uk.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/how-to-blog-anonymously-and-how-not-to.html
The fact is, I don’t know exactly what happened. One Monday morning, as I was getting ready to go into work, my boss called and told me not to come in, that I was sacked, and that I could pick up any belongings and my last pay check that afternoon.
When I did, the receptionist, who was quite the gossip, asked me if it was true, that I had done “that kind of movie”. She then mentioned something about a radio show I had been on, and that “the guys” had looked up some of my work. That explains why the men on the loading dock stared at me as I walked by. But I never got any details.
So I went back to sex work for another five years.
i hope this gets to you?? I was reading your post and see that you have done some porn in the past and had a bad expierence when you were outted. Now being a male and enjoing porn for some 40 years , i was wondering why don`t they just alter the apprence a bit some some asshole hero can`t look thru there porn collection and out people doing porn? Surly technology has grown far enough to help protect against the “outting ” losers?
For myself, why should it matter what a person’s past is. Why should Comixchik have to do anything to protect herself for doing something that is legal. The silliness about sex in so many Western nations is absurd, obscene, and needs to be fought at every juncture by those who know better.
I agree that it shouldn’t matter. Unfortunately, it does.
God Sailor, I hate it when you’re right.
Sometimes being right isn’t any fun for me either. I have the advantage that I’m not always right, but sometimes I am. And sometimes I like it! 😀 But sometimes… 🙁
This has been such a powerful thing to read. These are the statements that impacted me the most:
“I fear that my very loving family would feel hurt by my choices; I know that people lose jobs over sex work done in the distant past; and perhaps most of all, I don’t love sex work.”
“It’s been a great help to me in life and I’m glad I’ve done it, but still it is and has been a part time job that I do for money, not a career I pursue because I love it.”
“I certainly don’t think there is anything wrong with it and I am not ashamed, but I also don’t want to come across to people I meet as if it’s the most important part of my identity. To me it is much like waiting tables, bartending or any other job that simply suits one well enough that they can stand it and do it competently.”
Just. WOW.
It still completely boggles my mind that women have the ability to make the above statements fact. Just. WOW.
How so?
That you can let someone inside your body and spew their baby gravy all over you. Over and over again with different men, and then say, “I don’t love the work.”
So everyone has to love their job, how about this, how can you make comments on the interwebs without loving every single word…do you stay awake at night thinking, wow, i said that, is it ok, maybe i used the wrong word…or perhaps you could understand that sex isnt special, or sacred, but is just a physical act that people like you create stigma around,
Well Jemima, if Maggie has taught me anything, it’s that everyone doesn’t feel the same way about sex. That however is a two way street. So if sex isn’t special to you, or sacred, but just another physical act, no problem, but that doesn’t mean that everybody will or should feel that way.
In context, that’s a pretty audacious thing for you of all people to be saying.
Keep in mind that any old action can have associations to it, and we create out own specialness, so jemima’s not even denying that it can be special. It in itself is just this physical act. The rest is us.
What does that mean?
Why is that an audacious thing for me to say?
And again….you’re basically just saying that I have to see it the way that you do, or there must be something wrong with me.
That was poorly phrased on my part. I mean, funny that you’d end up saying this inclusive message when up-thread you were all ‘how the fuck can anyone think like this?’ Especially when to read jemima’s comment as non-inclusive takes a little work.
Oh. Then I phrased things poorly as well.
I’ve grown since that original comment, but all I’m saying now is, isn’t the point that we’re all allowed to have our own attitudes towards sex, whatever they may be?
Or no?
Also, what I meant by those earlier comments was, I’m always amazed at the turn it on & off ability that women have.
I also can’t fathom letting somebody bang me for money. That’s just me.
European tax authorities have a long history of making outrageous client-volume estimates and then presenting huge bills to uppity whores (fortunately, that’s largely a thing of the past in most of Europe).
Oh how I wish.
I have been under investigation by Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs for the last two years. Specifically, the branch that deals with “serious fraud”. According to my accountant that means they suspected me of failing to declare over £400,000 in tax. Which considering I worked for less than two years as an escort, and had a separate full-time job in computing and was a competitive rower at the same time, says a lot about their inability to successfully calculate the likely number of clients.
Happily, the investigation has just this month come to an end, and we are in the process of claiming back the tens of thousands I spent on accountancy fees while defending this nonsense fishing trip.
Word to the wise, keep records of all the cash and declare it (but don’t keep client details). I would advise anyone against coming out unless you’re ready for the taxman. They have powers the police do not even have to turn your life upside down and inside out, indefinitely, without ever having to accuse you formally of a crime or show you their “evidence”. Of all the consequences of coming out “balls to the wall”, that has been among the worst.
Also get ready to hear from every abuse jerkwad you ever met or dated… but that’s another story 😉
I would love if more current and ex sex workers came out but completely understand why it is hard. The stigma is massive, but what actually surprised me was the lawsuits-and-tax-investigation side effect. It’s not only something I have to deal with, but unfortunately my husband and family do too. Having a career as a writer, and the income from that, protects me in a way I know most sex workers will never have. I worry about the people in the bicoastal ‘sex pos’ bubble who don’t think through how this stuff plays in Peoria.
By all means I’m not suggesting people stay in – but be realistic, and if you have the opportunity, get your financial and mental ducks in a row first.
yeah, this is currently one of my many worries, people seem to have such an inflated idea of what you make, not just the tax man!
I like the “middle path” you’ve taken, Maggie.
Unlike the other gal – the one that posts her prostitution – torture – rape – stories on Nick Kristoff’s blog – I forget her name. (Oh, now I remember – it’s Stella Mar?).
In her case – no one can even verify who she is – or if her story is correct.
In your case – I’m sure you’d give any RESPONSIBLE reporter enough information about your past that they could verify who you were and what you did.
A related dilemma — coming out as a client — isn’t a dilemma at all for most; it’s simply kept secret. Public figures, like Spitzer, who are exposed must enact the farce of a meek public apology. Clients, in the U.S. anyway, remain less likely than hookers to face legal consequences, I suppose, despite the drift toward Swedish-model ideology, but the social stigma, I think, is if anything worse. However badly funded and politically disadvantaged sex-workers’-rights organizations may be (compared to the prohibition-disguised-as-anti-trafficking bandwagon), they do exist and offer a kind of community. Justice-minded clients can support these organizations financially (as I do the Urban Justice Center (NY), Women with a Vision (New Orleans), Stella (Canada), and Empower (Thailand)), but, secretive as clients generally are, no equivalent in the way of fellowship is likely to appear for them.
As the songwriter responsible for “Midtown Asian Sex Spa” (a celebration, a tribute, and a testimonial – hear it at http://www.reverbnation.com/bbwye or https://www.facebook.com/pages/BB-Wye/181390381890465), I’ve managed to make coming out as client, in my own case, a fraught dilemma indeed. It’s not that many people, in my experience, actually begrudge me the joy and gratitude expressed in the song. If I were a rock star, there’d be no question: I’d broadcast the song far and wide. But I’m not a rock star, I’m an amateur musician with a support-staff office-tower day job for a large professional firm that also employs in large numbers secretaries, for instance, from Staten Island whose sophistication in these matters is sadly wanting. While I doubt it would get me fired, becoming known for the song among co-workers could easily make me a social pariah.
And then, for me, too, there is family. My siblings, with whom I’ve shared the song and had at least a bit of the political discussion it involves, range from pretty comfortable with it to not very comfortable at all. No one favors inflicting the news on our elderly, ailing, religious parents.
The conflict between wanting to find an audience and feeling the need to keep one of my best songs secret from major parts of my social world has, unfortunately, kind of paralyzed me, psychologically. Yes, I’ve got a new pseudonym, but any motivated prohibitionist or offended blogger could easily scare up my real identity for abuse; I fail at the most elementary of Dr. Magnanti’s guidelines for internet anonymity. (And actually heeding those guidelines is way more than I’d want to bother with.)
I’d really like the song to be out there as part of the discussion; Maggie was nice enough to feature it in one of her hooker-song roundups. But I worry about representing a category of humans as widely maligned as sex workers’ clients, when I see how vicious the discussion can get.
Yeah … McCartney admitted in the Beatles Anthology DVD that when the Beatles were in Hamburg he had several stripper girlfriends.
Clients “outing” … well it’s not as big deal for us. My wife knows about my hooker past and now, basically everyone at work does – why hide it? They all know I went to the Phillipines in the 80’s and no one there gets a hair cut from a barber without a “happy ending”. So there was no use in hiding it from co-workers. I’m not really in the kind of job where they’d care anyway – aside from my security clearance, but they don’t care about that either since the rest of my life and finances are squared away and always have been.
Prolly the only people I never told was my Mom and Dad – and I’m pretty sure an old girlfriend told my Mom a long time ago. She never questions me about it – I don’t think she really wants to know the extent of my activities and probably prefers to think it was a one time deal.
It’s not a big deal for us – just makes us “bad boys” and everyone digs “bad boys”. 😀
They just don’t “dig” the girls who play with them!
There is no easy answer on this one. My first piece of advice is the same I give to any of my friends starting a business: find a good lawyer and a better CPA.
Contact individuals like Carol Leigh and Maggie in private for suggestions and things you haven’t thought of yet.
Remember Bob Dylan’s old adage, “If you live outside the law, you must be honest.” (Blonde on Blonde, I don’t remeber the song.)
Be careful not to piss off or frighten the powers that be. I suspect that is at the root of Dr. Magnanti’s difficulties.
Get educated about sex work, in all of its aspects. I wrote a 7000+ word article back in March for OpEdNews.com called “Making Sex Illegal.” It has lots of sources.
Finally, and Maggie may disagree with me on this, organize with your fellow sex workers. Forming your own branch of COYOTE or PENET, with a retired sex worker as its titular head, couldn’t hurt. Ally with other sex based oppressed groups–LGBT for example–might also help. There is strength in numbers.
“Absolutely Sweet Marie”
I know this because of my utterly encyclopedic knowledge of song lyrics. Oh, and Google. 😉
Thanks Sailor.
No problem.
I hated sex work and was too limited (by Autism) and damaged (by other things, including, but not limited to the cr*p people throw at autistics and the dearth of “resources” who know how to do anything but abuse and exploit us) to have been able to sustain enough of any other kind of work to survive…
So, THANK THE HEAVENS I could handle sex work, and it was decriminalised at the time so nobody could persecute me or make life any harder or more painful than it already was for me…
I am so reclusive that, in a sense I was never really *in* to come *out*…I always worked under my real name most of the incredibly few people I had to deal with regularly knew the truth (because I just get stressed out trying to lie all the time).
Lately, 20 years on, “coming out” for a second time has served to “show not tell” a few people in the Autism community that at least ONE Autistic is not an a sexual with the mental and moral age of 7 for life…and that HAS to be a good thing…though they all still default to presuming I need my “betters” to speak for me as an autistic FAR too often.
But this has all been much easier for me than for most,- as an autistic I was always going to be perceived as an alien anyway…whatever I did or said…and I genuinely have no us for social approval…
…and now I spend most of my time fighting against the “Swedish Model” that will, effectively, make it impossible for many people like me to survive…because they have nothing to offer us at all that will not do far more harm than good.
You have to weigh the cost against the benefits in terms of who *you* are and what counts for you before you decide to “come out” or not…
A certain pundit I don’t want to name (a “libertarian” but not sympathetic to us) said something recently that really struck home: the struggle against stupid overreactions by the state is just the civil rights movement, continued — and like others involved in that movement, we need to start publicly (but peaceably) asserting ourselves, get arrested and film the cops doing it, and overwhelm the system. That’s how all real social changes get achieved.
I bring this up because the strategy may work better for both ourselves and the right wingers that pundit was talking to if both groups use it at the same time!