Q & A (September 2012)

The liberally educated person is one who is able to resist the easy and preferred answers, not because he is obstinate but because he knows others worthy of consideration.  –  Allan Bloom

Only two questions this time, though both are fairly long ones.  If you have one you’d like me to answer, please email me at maggiemcneill@earthlink.net; I’m a bit slow with my correspondence lately but I should still be able to answer you within a few days.

I’m in my twenties and single, but very much do want to get married some day.  I know that as a wife it will be extremely important to keep my husband sexually satisfied as best I can; I also know that if I don’t, I’d much rather he meet his needs with a hooker than an amateur since, like you’ve mentioned time and time again, the former is likely to be discreet and not destroy my marriage.  However, even if I do perform my “wifely duties” well, do you think it’s still inevitable that a man is going to cheat for sexual variety?  And if so, how would one go about having a conversation about it with a husband prospect?  “I’d really prefer if you didn’t cheat on me at all, but if you do, please do it with a professional!”?  I feel like that’d encourage a man who wasn’t even thinking of such a thing to go for it!  I know this is probably a strange thing for me to be stressing over when I’m not even so much as engaged, but I’d love to hear your perspective!

No, it’s not inevitable; roughly 67% of all married men cheat, which still means about 1 in 3 don’t.  And you have to remember that those figures are for all marriages, with bad or inattentive wives mixed in with the good, attentive ones.  I would suspect that if we could figure out a way to only survey the husbands of good wives, that number would be much lower.  It would not, however, be zero; I suspect it would be something like 20%, the fraction of men who see whores “occasionally” (I don’t have any specific rational basis for this comparison; it’s more like an educated guess modified by instinct).  Given that, I don’t think it’s at all silly to have the conversation you suggest at some point.  I’m not suggesting you just blurt it out in the middle of sex or dinner, but sooner or later a related subject is bound to come up and you can segue into it.  He will almost certainly insist that he’ll never do that, and he may even really mean it at the time, but years later if he feels the need he may remember what you said and take the harm-managed path.  Don’t worry about “giving him ideas”; when it comes to sex people will invariably think of such things on their own whether you mention it or not.  Plus, you can certainly stress that you’re not exactly giving your blessing to his hiring hookers, but rather just telling him that the professional option would hurt you less and you’d find it easier to forgive.

Your stressing about it now is indeed “strange” in the sense of “unusual”, but not in the sense of “weird”; in fact, I think it’s a sign of remarkable good sense.  Most girls never even consider these things, and as a result they tend to react that much more badly when faced with the revelation that their husbands are not superhuman paragons of virtue.  In fact, I suspect that a young woman who can think so clearly about an emotional subject like this is much more likely to choose her mate wisely and to consider factors like economics and sexual compatibility rather than simply rushing into marriage in a biochemical haze, and that will dramatically increase your chances for a good match characterized by mutual honesty.

A little over two months ago, I met a whore with whom I share a social chemistry that I never experienced with a woman before, and I feel such intense affection for her that I equally look forward to our conversations after my basic physical need has been satisfied.  At the same time, I respect our professional boundaries; I feel scheduling an appointment with her once a month does the trick.  I have become much more responsible in my personal life. I feel better motivated to tackle life’s challenges, get my sleep and exercise, keep my space clean and organized, feel more at ease around others, and am more affectionate with my family.  I no longer feel as though I have resigned myself to a cheap substitute for a conventional relationship.  Even more bizarre, I have begun to feel that compensating a woman is more natural than conventional relationships.  Have I gone nuts?  Perhaps I’m romanticizing this too much?  Secondly, do you think it’s plausible for a whore to have such a quasi-intimate relationship with a client, genuinely feeling some affection for him that doesn’t cross professional boundaries?

Your question is kind of tangled, but I’m going to tease out what I think are the pertinent strands.  First of all, as I’ve written many, many times before, there really isn’t a bright, clear line between prostitution and dating (or even marriage) as people like to pretend.  All lasting relationships have an economic component, because once the flare of biochemical passion fades there needs to be something more substantial to hold the partners together, and mutual economic benefit is about as strong a glue as there is.  That does not preclude genuine affection, however; most everyone has had the experience of genuinely liking a customer, employee, boss or co-worker despite the fact that the relationship is primarily an economic one, and though I love my husband I also recognize that our socioeconomic arrangement is the bedrock of the relationship.  Expressed another way, economics is the cake, and love the icing, not the other way around as modern Americans like to pretend.  So, answering the last question first:  Yes, a whore can have genuine affection for a client and vice-versa, and since some whores feel no need for sexual companionship outside the job, I can’t see where the opposite couldn’t be true.

Next, you have to remember that the male need for sexual variety is pretty powerful, and more so in some men than others; though some men certainly yearn for a lifetime companion, others may prefer serial monogamy and still others may be perfectly happy with getting their sex from women and their companionship from deep male friendships.  The idea that every man (or every woman, for that matter) must or even should form long-term relationships that combine social, economic and sexual factors is asinine; though such relationships are often rewarding and are probably better for raising children than the culturally-available alternatives, that doesn’t mean they are right for everyone, or that everyone is going to crave them.  So no, you’re not crazy for finding your relationships with whores rewarding and satisfying; what’s more, you need to stop looking a gift horse in the mouth.  If you’re happier, better-adjusted and more productive now than you’ve ever been before, why question it just because closed-minded bigots might not like it?  The only person you have to please is you, and if you’re accomplishing that you’re in an enviable position.  Keep on the way you’re going as long as it works for you, and if you ever arrive at a point where it doesn’t any more you can calmly take stock of the situation and proceed from there.