Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress’s role. – Andy Borowitz
Two years ago today I published “Hooker Humor”, in which I shared a few jokes about my profession. It was only a few for one simple reason: though there are hundreds of hooker jokes, the majority of them are tasteless, juvenile, vulgar and rely on offensive stereotypes about our being dirty, diseased, desperate and subhuman. There are, however, some funny, clever and even cute ones out there if one has the patience to look.
The Value of Sex
In the mid-1960s, two young people got married soon after university, where he earned a degree in business administration and she graduated magna cum laude in economics. On their wedding night, she asked him for $20 before they made love; he laughed about it, remembering their discussions about the economic value of women’s labor and the like, and handed her the money with a smile. The same thing happened the next time they had sex, and the next; though he was a bit surprised that she was carrying what he perceived as a kind of joke this far, he was a good sport about it and so made sure he always had a bit put aside in case he got horny.
This went on for 40 years, and even though they had sex less often as time went on she was always enthusiastically available for him (though she did raise her rate to $50 in the early ‘90s). Even before they married they had agreed it made more economic sense for her to stay at home and raise their children, of whom they eventually had four; she was an excellent manager of money, and he was always amazed at how far she could make his salary go even though they sent their kids to the best schools and never wanted for anything.
In later years they experienced a series of financial setbacks which cut into their savings, and as the economy worsened over the past few years the husband started to worry that there was just no way he would be able to retire at 65 as they had planned. Eventually he put aside his ego, sat his wife down at the table and asked her advice about their financial situation. She went to her filing cabinet, brought out a thick envelope and showed him a series of financial statements, stock certificates and the like, explaining that she had invested her earnings from sex in the stock market, and that her good judgment and keen economic instincts had eventually parlayed that long series of small fees into literally millions of dollars. Her husband was overjoyed, and everything was going beautifully until he blurted out, “If I had realized what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”
Analogy
Joe and Harry were chatting at a bar, and Joe said, “I wish my wife would get off of my back about my watching porn; she claims if I really loved her I wouldn’t need that.”
Harry replied, “Oh, my wife used to say the same thing until I pointed out to her that I love my car, but I still like watching Nascar racing.”
“And that satisfied her?” asked Joe.
“Yep,” said Harry, “but it’s a good thing she didn’t think about the fact that I rent cars when I’m away on business trips.”
Venery
Four Oxford dons were engaged one evening in casual but learned conversation, and the topic turned to collective nouns such as “a pride of lions” or “a gaggle of geese”; since these are also called “venereal nouns”, one of the professors asked what a collection of prostitutes might be called. The four fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities.
At last, one spoke: “How about ‘a jam of tarts’?” The others nodded in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem.
A second suggested “an essay of trollops.” Again, the others nodded, and soon a third proposed “a flourish of strumpets.” They all then looked to the fourth professor, who was the most senior and learned of them all, and one asked if he had any thoughts on the matter.
He paused for a few moments more and then replied, “An anthology of pros.”
Cheapskate
One evening a man who had worked late was walking toward the train station when he spotted a very attractive streetwalker; since his wife didn’t expect him home for some time he went up to her and asked her price. When she told him it was $100 he exclaimed, “A hundred? Don’t be ridiculous; I’ll give you forty!” She laughed at him and told him where he could put his forty, and he stalked off in a snit.
That weekend, he took his wife out to dinner at a restaurant not all that far from his workplace, and as they were walking back to the car whom should he see but the same streetwalker. He just looked straight ahead, hoping she wouldn’t recognize him, but when they passed she called out, “See what you get for forty bucks?”
The Old Man and the Prostitute
In the Days Before Cell Phones…
A man staying at a hotel in London picked up a tart card from a nearby phone box. Back in his hotel room he rang the number and a woman with a very sexy voice asked if she could be of assistance. “Yes” he said. “I’d like to know if you do bondage and discipline; I’m especially interested in getting a really hard spanking. Would that be something you could provide?”
The woman replied, “I’d really like to oblige you, sir, but if you press 9 first you’ll get an outside line.”
Memory Lapse
A extremely old man decided he wanted sex, so he went to the local stroll and when he saw one woman he really liked, he started flirting with her as if he were making a pass, ignoring her questions about what he wanted. When it became clear that he was just wasting her time, she told him to get lost but he continued bothering her, saying “I sure would like to get some action tonight.”
Exasperated, she cried “You’ve got to be kidding! You’re too old! You’re all finished.”
“What did you say?” asked the old man.
“You heard me – you’re all finished.”
“Oh,” he replied, “how much do I owe you?”
“An anthology of pros.”. Heh, I like that.
An old and silly one that stuck in my mind:
A man in search of sex sees a red light and a door bearing the sign “Grandma’s Whorehouse”.
He goes in and a genteel looking elderly lady greets him.
Embarassed, he mumbles, “How much?”
She smiles and replies, “Fifty dollars.”
Relieved at the reasonable price, he hands over the fee.
The woman points down the hall. “Just go through that pink door at the end.”
Eager to get down to business, the man steps through the door, which closes behind him, only to find himself standing in a dark alley.
Puzzled, he spins around, but the door is firmly locked.
Then he sees the sign.
“Congratulations. You have just been screwed by Grandma.”
Ha! Those were good; I especially liked the first one.
Great jokes and as always it brought one to mind.
A gruff miner in the Klondike gold rush come into town to trade his gold and find a whore to match his toughness, he enters a bar/brothel trades his gold for two bottles of beer and asks the barkeep ” I’m looking for the toughest whore in the Klondike.” the barkeep say upstairs fourth door on the left,so he collects his unopened beers and heads up stairs, he kicks in the door and says “I looking for the toughest whore in the Klondike.” a tiny petite woman stands up out of the bed turns round ,drops her bloomers and bends over, the miner says ” Miss how do you know I like it like that.” to which she replies ” How else are you going to open those beers before we discuss business ?”
An old man telling bawdy jokes always wins my heart!
I especially liked that one because I had absolutely no idea where it was going! 🙂
An anthology of pros.
An old Sailor decides to relive his youth and dons his old uniform and heads downtown to the red light district. He picks up a hooker while he’s there for some old time fun.
He takes her to a hotel room where he goes at the best he can. At one point, he says … “Hey dearie, how am I doing?”
She replies … “You’re doing about three knots.”
“Three knots? What does that mean?”
And the hooker replies … “Well, you’re KNOT hard, you’re KNOT in, and you’re KNOT getting your money back!”
Bertha Jones, a neofeminist, was driving home from work when her brakes failed. Her car collided with the convertible of a hooker who was driving to work, killing them both.
Seconds later, the two women stood before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter said, “Ladies, since you died at the same place and the same time, I will judge you together. First of all, Sally Smith, also known as ‘Sugarlips’, tell me in one sentence why I should let you into heaven.”
“Sugarlips” looked down at the toe of her high-heeled boot instead of at Saint Peter. “Well, I always gave the guy a price break if I thought he was short of cash, and I always let him come in my mouth and I always swallowed, and I never lied to a client unless he was under eighteen, in which case I always faked orgasm. And–and–”
“That’s three sentences, run together, not one,” Bertha snapped. “Obviously youe ‘virtues’ never included being a straight-A student in Grammar.”
‘Sugarlips’ kept her head hung down, but now her lip started trembling.
Saint Peter paused to hand a tissue to the sniffling strumpet, then turned to Bertha. “Now, Bertha Jones, tell me in one sentence why I should let you into heaven.”
Bertha drew herself up straight, and pointed to “Sugarlips.” Bertha replied haughtily, “Why do I deserve heaven? Because I’m the exact opposite of HER.”
Saint Peter walked over to an empty table, and suddenly a big book appeared in his hands. He opened the big book to the beginning, and laid it on the table. He raised his hands up, and a second big book appeared. This book also was laid on the table and opened to the beginning.
Saint Peter then began to read, switching back and forth between the two books every few minutes.
An hour later, Saint Peter lifted his head and looked at Bertha in amazement. “This is incredible — you really ARE her opposite, in every way.”
Saint Peter then walked over to a giant white box, opened its lid, and pulled out–a bag of ice. He walked over and handed the bag of ice to Bertha.
“What’s this for?” she asked, puzzled.
“Because I’m not a heartless man, Bertha Jones,” Saint Peter said. “Sally Smith, Saint Mary Magdalene is eager to personally give you the guided tour.”
A politician hires an escort. As soon as she arrives, he tells her not to say anything to her other clients about this. They talk a bit, and he tells her not to tell the press about this. Later, as they are getting undressed, he tells her that it’s very important that she say nothing to the other political party about this, as it would just kill his chances at re-election. Even as the actual sex begins, he comes up with more people she absolutely must not ever, ever tell about this.
Finally, as he’s leaving, he takes out a wad of cash and asks, “How much?”
“$450,” she says, “but only $25 of that is for the sex.”
“Only twenty-five bucks for the sex!?” he cries, “Then what else am I paying $425 for?”
“Well,” she says, “there’s $25 for the little bit of chit-chat at the beginning, and $400 to remember that list of people to never tell!”
I don’t know if anyone is still looking at this thread, but I thought of a hooker joke that most people here would find amusing. Of course, it isn’t about just ANY hooker, but our very own Maggie McNeill:
Maggie McNeill and her husband are very proud of their independence, but Maggie’s Warrior has to go off to work, and their house is pretty big. There’s only so much that poor Maggie can do to keep the house clean, so eventually she and her husband decided to hire a housekeeper.
The new maid did a great job, but after a week she had a complaint. “Ms. McNeill,” she said, “I don’t mind cleaning up around here because it’s my job but that’s no excuse for pure messiness. Every day this past week, I’ve been picking up your necklace which you have dropped all over the house. I’ve never had this sort of problem with any other employer. Why can’t you just clutch your pearls like every other woman in this country?
“Have dropped” should be “keep dropping” and there should be a quotation mark closing the quote at the end of the joke.
The italics are deliberate, but if it’s too distracting you can remove it. Thank you!
OK, I actually laughed at that!