The circulation of confidence is better than the circulation of money. – James Madison
Claire writes:
I’m an experienced GFE escort and generally have very nice clients, but recently I’ve had trouble retaining regulars and I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong. If I click with someone or have a bit of chemistry that I can work with, I can deliver a really good session; however, I’m 34 now and I suppose I might make assumptions a bit early. I have never really networked, so I don’t have many people I can ask questions; do you have some sort of list or tips for girls to use in the room? I haven’t had many good sessions lately and my confidence is a bit blown; I’d appreciate any advice you can give to help me spice things back up again.
It would be nearly impossible for me to guess what’s causing your trouble; there are any number of possibilities, ranging from the esoteric (an unnoticed health problem that’s subtly changed your biochemistry) to the psychiatric (burnout) to the chaotic (a plain run of bad luck). But once one’s confidence begins to slip, her mystique can quickly go downhill and then it becomes a snowball effect. So it’s very important that you get control of this, build up your presence and before too long you’ll be building up your regulars list again. One thing that I think is very important is that you get a complete medical checkup, just in case there is some subtle gynecological or hormonal issue; if you can afford it, a short holiday might also help. You might even consider overhauling your website because after all, the root cause may be external (i.e. in your customer base rather than in you), and an infusion of new blood may put things to rights.
I don’t have any kind of list, because most of what I did was based in pure instinct; in other words I’ve never really analyzed what I do, as much as just following my gut with a particular man. Though I do have a few practical tricks I could teach, they’re more “show” than “tell” and I suspect you already know them anyway. One of the things that I think is very important for GFE is to be as real as possible without letting negativity into it; in other words DO tell clients how excited you were to get tickets to that sold-out show, but DON’T talk about how bummed you are that your daughter’s having trouble in school (I wrote about this sort of thing at length in “Playing the Part”).
Because everyone is different, though, and because I want to get you back on track right away, I think we need to “crowdsource” this one. I’m going to bump tomorrow’s column and put this in its place, and invite all of my readers who are either current or former pros to offer suggestions for you in the comment thread. Make sure you read all of them, and keep up with it for several days; some readers may take a few days to see the column, but might have really good answers for you. It may even be that some male readers might offer their input as to what has caused them to stop seeing a regular escort, and perhaps you might recognize something one of them says as something you’re also doing and didn’t see as problematic until it was pointed out.
Readers, have you any suggestions for Claire?
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
I am wondering exactly what you mean by “I am 34 now and may be making assumptions too early” Are you turning people down who you think might be more reliable? I wouldn’t start second guessing, and stay true to what you feel comfortable doing.
More broadly I think the best thing to do is put to down to luck. Most of my clients are regulars, but some I do not see for a couple of months at a time, since the recession hit everyone is simply having to work harder, and count the pennies more. I try not to see it as a comment on me, instead turn it around and think, wow even with the way things are they still want to treat themselves, and me 🙂
The problem with negative thinking is it tends to be self fulfilling. I never expect to see anyone again, so of course it is lovely when I do, and I think they sense I am genuinely pleased. As maggie says, a part is easier to play when it is authentic!
Sorry I can’t give more pratical advice, and i hope things work out.
I was not a GFE style, so I’m not real certain what makes a good GFE session.
I do know, however, that sometimes we all have off days. Maybe that’s lasting longer for you.
If you want regulars, pick a few guys that you think are likely candidates, and really pour it on for them. Sometimes, you just have to fake it until you make it.
This very topic came up with the men on ECCIE the other day. A surprising number of men stated that they’d find a great girl that they really “clicked” with – only to find that she went mechanical on them after a few sessions. So they didn’t return.
I’ve never experienced this and I think it’s because I always tip generously. Since you pay up front – the girl finds a way to look into that envelope and she knows what’s in it. If she’s really happy with what she finds – well, it’s money that puts women in the mood if you know what I mean and that’s not rocket science. I’ve been offered a “regular” rate but I won’t accept them because I want no doubt in the girl’s mind that she’s being properly compensated for her time and effort. Without that incentive (guys who don’t tip) – I can see how a woman might start taking her regulars for granted. I have one regular girl – and I always want her to pick up the phone when I call – and I want her to remember specific things about what I like and don’t like. Money is the incentive for that – it’s the base of what we’re doing here.
Sooo … I don’t necessarily think this is always the escort’s fault. Let’s remember here too – that men like variety and like to hop from one to another. I do, for sure … but this one girl I’m seeing has really slowed me down on that because she just really turns me on.
Hi Claire again!
Thanks for the feedback Jemima. What I meant by saying that maybe I’m making assumptions too early is that I’m reading clients wrong. i.e. Yesterday, I saw a client who seems very conservative. He told me all about a session he had with another girl that included a prostrate massage. He really enjoyed it. I always assumed he was too conservative for that. So what I’m wandering is how many people am I not pleasing because I’m misjudging their needs.
Thanks Krulac! Always good to get the clients point of view. I give all of my bookings everything I have and never count the money until the client is gone. I am sufficiently upmarket to not have to count the cash up front. If a client tipped me it would not affect my service at all because I would not know it until he leaves.
Based on my reviews, I am one of the least mechanical girls out there. What I’m saying is that when I was in my 20’s out of five clients, I would retain at least four for a period of time. Nowadays, I’m probably retaining one out of five if that. I’m also finding that my clients have changed and the quality is dropping. Is it possible that when I was 20, men were more gentle with me because they felt I was young and needed to be protected and now that I’m 34, they’re just being honest with me?
I don’t think my looks have deteriorated that badly, I’m still a young looking 34 year old and obviously I’m much more skilled in the bedroom than I was when I was 20. So in theory, business should have improved. My thinking is that because I am GFE only, maybe they see me as a one trick pony and are moving on looking for other experiences.
Really appreciate the feedback so far!
Thanks Maggie for putting my enquiry on your site.
Regards
Claire
This is where Maggie’s suggestion about rehauling your site can be applied. Are you making it clear that your specialty is GFE and that the clients best suited to you are those looking for that specific experience? Having multiple hour minimums, if you’re up for that, will also weed out the flakes, clients who won’t appreciate what you have to offer, or clients who simply aren’t looking for GFE.
And yes, you may also need a holiday. Burn-out is not healthy.
Without getting to specific, I know one lady who found business drying up in her home market so she started travelling. It was a pain, and cost money and was inconvenient, but at least she could make money again.
Yeah … now you are talking about something I’ve often thought of and that is how difficult it is for an escort to “read” a man who’s not forthcoming in what he wants. Maybe Maggie can answer that one – I don’t know how you girls do it and it sucks that you have to.
Unrelated to this post, sorry Maggie, but this is for your attention. Two posts; one reasonable, the next from the sorority of debutantes.
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2013/02/05/the-war-on-sex-workers/
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2013/02/06/supporting-sex-workers-rights-opposing-the-buying-of-sex/
Keep me posted of anything you write about these, if you decide to.
It’s Feministe. ‘Nuff said.
Hey I am fighting a one woman war in the comments there! After laughing hysterically at being told I need mandatory skills training and a high school diploma. It seems my first in philosophy just doesn’t impress anymore.
I am a ‘safe’ GFE which means I provide the GFE emotional experience and am very authentic but don’t necessarily do the list of things people seem to equivocate with GFE that are not safe… I’m only 22 so I don’t have a huge amount of experience but I thought I’d write in what seems to work for me. You probably already do these things but you never know.
Here are a couple things I do to keep my regulars around:
I email them occasionally with a candid picture I took just for them or to ask them how such-and-such (new job, grandbaby, house search) is going. It shows that I think about them and was listening when they told me they started a new job, etc.
I send a thank you text/email after an appointment to let them know how much I enjoyed it.
I try to keep it interesting. Just like a regular relationship and probably even more so, people get bored. When they show up I might be in a new type of outfit I don’t normally wear, put whipped cream on them, or have a choreographed sexy dance ready for their pleasure.
I ask them for advice. Not advice on anything serious, more like… “I’m thinking about taking a photography class, what do you think?” That is a bad example, but it should be a question about something they can answer easily and that will make them feel smart and helpful. It lets them know I value their opinion and knowledge.
Environmental things:
Offer a refreshment, light candles, play music they enjoy etc.
I’ve always been pretty upfront with people if I can’t get a good idea of what they enjoy. Especially if I have seen him several times. I’ll just ask, “How do you feel about _____ (anal play, toys, etc)? Or if I want to be more delicate, like with a new client, I ask them to tell me about their favorite sexual experiences or fantasies. 1) It tells me what they like and 2) It can be great foreplay. I’ll run my hands down from my neck to waist or start brushing against them to show them their fantasies and desires turn me on.
Hope this was helpful. I’d say if you feel like your clientele base is of a lower quality than it used to I think Maggie is right about doing an overhaul. Try changing your marketing to attract a different type of client. And definitely take a vacation, it never hurts!
Alexis, you may only be 22, but you sound exactly like the sort of woman I wish I could find.
For a site that is so brutally honest about nearly everything, the self-delusions and denial in all this is head-shakingly strange.
Maggie, you can choose (of course) to veto this comment to spare Claire, but I am a man, and here is the most obvious thing to me: she is now 34 comparing herself to when she was in her 20’s. Need any more be said?
Men get attracted and aroused by women in their mid 30’s and upwards. Some such women have a certain charm such that men often love them, but by and large men fall in love with young women. We lose our heads over young women, not middle aged women. 34 is right on the cusp of the great biological dropoff in a woman’s fertility. How often have I been desparately attracted to a young woman in an unrequited way, only to have her come to me in later years, only to find that I’m no longer attracted to her because she has aged. How many times has the woman been baffled, thinking that somehow she could reject me in youth, play around, and then expect me to be waiting for her when she was middle aged. So many people are in denial about aging, the passage of time, and the fact that we don’t live forever.
I understand what you’re saying, Steve, but at the same time there are lots of escorts in their 30s (and 40s, and 50s) with regulars; I think what you’re saying here is that maybe a lot of the regulars Claire had in her 20s have dropped off, and she may need to attract a new bunch who prefer women in their 30s. And that’s a valid point.
Whilst I would have avoided the bad science I think the points about the website revamp and who you are attracting are good ones. It is most certainly not the case that all men want younger women, however men who want older women may be looking for a different type of experience.
Claire mentioned the difficulty with assumptions and preconceptions. I see my role as very much one of providing a place to explore.
If a man wants a younger escort he may see his role as being somewhat paternalistic, to be a leader, sexually and in other ways. As you grow older being willing to lead, to be the one pushing the boundaries may become more important. I take great pleasure in finding that thing with each client that makes him go ohhhhh, and of course remembering it the next time we meet.
I am older than you, so its not about age in the slightest, but it may be to do with the difference between men who want a woman and a girl. (Massive generalization, but I hope you know what I mean.
Yes, Steve, that was the first thing that came to me also in this – “you’re gettin’ old Claire, did ya think you could do that gig forever?” Professional athletes and prostitutes have similar career management contexts: unless you are way investment oriented while you are raking it in in your 20s, gotta prepare for career #2 because once the easy money gravy train cuts you from the team, what then? Lack of recognition of how our individual value on the mating market shifts as we age seems to be part and parcel of the ‘we are all the same’ and ‘you can have it all’ mantras of the recent generation, particularly in the female half of our species following a male model. “Lots of escorts in their 30s (and 40s, and 50s)” – I understand you are trying to encourage a sister, Mrs. McNeill, but care to share some data on your definition of ‘lots?’ 🙂 Or are you using the very broad and inclusive definition of escort you use elsewhere that includes your current role? (wise transition, btw)
I don’t blow sunshine up anybody’s arse; if I thought it was time for her to retire I’d say so. I didn’t even START escorting until I was 33, and I was just as sought after at 39. And if you’d like to get a feel for the number of mature escorts out there, just take a look at a board like ECCIE; there are plenty of them. Not the majority, obviously, but not a tiny minority, either.
Yup, I didnt even start until I was 37…different people want different things. Young men want their Mrs Robinson, older men someone who doesn’t remind them of their daughter.(THis is very important to some and I have immense respect for the fact they prefer older escorts as they believe they are more likely to be fully aware of why they are escorting)
Men the same age as me who are looking for a sexual equal. The age idea is just bollocks.
There is a valid suggestion re looking at her website, but I think that has been covered.
I’ve never hired a prostitute, of any rank, class, level, etc. Just can’t afford it unless I give up every pleasure I enjoy other than that. Obviously as a man I’ve never been an escort. So take that as your daily salt ration when reading anything I have to say.
I don’t think that Claire is “too old.” I turn forty-eight in a couple of weeks, and I sure wouldn’t turn down sex with an attractive thirty-four-year-old, nor conversation with an interesting one. However, if she’s trying to be the same as when she was twenty, and if she’s marketing herself the same way, then that could be a problem. Not too old, just too old to do like you did when you were twenty.
But we have no reason to think that this is what is going on. If it is, then great. Easy to fix.
Whatever is going on, Claire, good luck with it.
CORRECTION:
forty-seven (47)
OK, hold on, ‘the age idea is just bollocks?’ I understand there are very articulate exceptions to the norm here in this forum, and a recent 71 year old outlier in CT, but are we really going to act like a woman’s age is not a factor to be manged wisely in the arc of life? Elsewhere here I’ve seen y’all attribute much to evolutionary forces and inner biology, the (statistically) lower ages of rape victims being used to debunk the rape as violence myth, etc. Good wisdom. Are we now ignoring these statistics in the name of some other sisterhood? How about some wisdom and guidance for the majority on this path who are not the gifted exceptions?
It’s not a matter of “sisterhood”; please don’t insult us by the implication of dishonesty. I acknowledged above that her age might indeed be a factor, and that she might need to change her advertising so as to appeal to the men who want mature women rather than those who want young ones. However, that’s a far cry from claiming that older escorts cannot make money, which strikes me as a silly thing to say unless you’ve owned a service or performed a study. Older escorts can and do make money; in fact, it’s just as much as the younger ones for the simple reason that there are fewer older escorts. Though there is indeed greater demand for younger escorts, there are also far more younger escorts. As the age of escort increases, the number of clients who want her decreases at roughly the same rate as the number of other escorts she has to compete with, so if she manages her advertising properly there is no direct reduction of income merely due to aging. Older escorts who try to use the same kind of advertising as young ones are another matter, and that indeed might be Claire’s problem. But that’s not the same as saying “30-something-year-old escorts don’t have as many regulars”, which is false.
🙂 peace Mrs. McNeill, no insult intended. We are in a common cause of broadening understanding here and I see I could be more encouraging of young Claire. By the way, I pray safety for all in the midst of the other storm going on, LOL. So are we acknowledging that the nature of what most women have to offer most men shifts in a non-trivial way over a life time? Instead of choosing to read insults, may we discuss data as you do so well elsewhere? I have noticed that there seem to be virtually no $500/hr offers and quite a few more under $200/hr offers among the 35 and over providers and I have one personal data point of a Lovely who discovered her market value was significantly less at 37 than it had been at 32 when she was taken off the market for a few years by a gentleman who did not want to share her. If I understand correctly, soon after this discovery she also chose to make a long term contract, although of a less socially acceptable nature than your own. In any case, yes Claire, the very fact that you have the sense to ask elders for wisdom means you may be one of those few who make the transition from older habits to newer ones very well. It would be wonderful if you would let us all know what works for you over time. In any case, enjoy your break and good luck.
Might i hitch a little ride upon this thread and importune those present to say what they think about the importance or no of the very first,, initial contact made with a girl? I have been variously texting and calling girls whose adverts appear in the newspaper (absolutely de rigueur ads that give almost no idea of what sort of person might be there – “busty” anyone? Eeeek!) but have thus far simply NOT been inspired to go thither! This is either because i hear a flat mechanical-sounding Asian voice or a dull Kiwi-accented one, both of which somehow manage to convince me on the spot that an encounter in the flesh would just not be an adventure! Thus it is that i remain to the day a most reluctant ..’cliental virgin’..My question then to you chaps/chapesses would be; Is it too much to expect of a sex-worker that she be capable of a texted overture or two at the very outset of things? That she be capable of an alluring little composition of sorts rather than language so generic it almost jars and clangs? Or, if speaking on the phone, is it expecting too much that she do her level best to be *some* sort of seductive? Perhaps it is only in this young country (NZ) that glibly addressing a fellow as ‘darling’ is considered a sufficient come-on…? I’d hugely appreciate anything enlightening – or even endarkening! – regarding this that you might have to tell me!
I cannot comment on New Zealand, just the UK, I hope i always come across as friendly and fun, however I will never get sexual in texts or phone calls. In my experience people who want that never meet. So it may be that your eagerness is interpreted as time wasting by the person on the other end.
It does seem to me that if you are giving no thought to the person advertising ( you mention you contact ads that give almost no details) then expecting them to give lots of interest to you back seems a bit odd. Perhaps you would be better looking at websites or for escorts who give GFE. There are many different sorts of sex workers, and many different ways they advertise.
thanks for your response, Jemima, but i did not really understand what you meant in the second paragraph about ‘giving no thought to the person advertising (then) expecting them to give lots of interest back’? What was it in what i wrote that inspired that interpretation i wonder?
I understand what you mean about not getting sexual in texts or calls with perceived time-wasters, but ’twas not really that which i had in mind. ‘Friendly and fun’ would be just the ticket, actually, but thus far these indeed very ‘seductive’ qualities have been nowhere in evidence. So far as advertising goes here, all the ads sound much the same, and the websites, well the websites are just too ugly to even contemplate, honestly!
i am one desperate to make some headway with this somehow, and really would have thought that moment of initial contact to be super important, especially for those who have never visited a sex-worker before and may be said to be at this juncture still truly ..afraid!
thanks again for responding J. I’m a little dismayed though that there has not been more comment..?
“There’s love in your skies
reflecting the sunlight
in my lovers eyes”
Dear Ms. McNeill:
I am wondering if you were having a marketing consulting meeting with an emphasis on customer retention and targeting what would be the primary topics that you would concentrate on to achieve this purpose? Also what kinds of questions would you have going in to give you better insight on how to advise a particular provider? (I.E location, disposable income, where you advertise, who goes on those sites, demographic of clientele that you are trying to attract to business, traffic of site, whether it is a white collar or a blue collar metropolis that you live and work in and other factors that could potentially determine frequency of visitation of potential clients.) Also Ms. McNeill, I noticed that you are extremely well versed in the discipline of adult companionship and commerce. Depending on what the question was ,with respect to accruing and cultivating regular clientele,whom would you seek out among your long standing colleagues with respect to development and retention of a strong and frequent customer base?
I travel frequently for business and have patronized escorts for
some years. I prefer intelligent women closer to my own age; 34 is
about the youngest I would normally consider. I don’t think that age
alone is a complete explanation for Claire’s reduced business.
Don’t discount the effects of the economy
It really is awful out there and getting worse. Whether walking down
Main Street of any medium city, talking to real people, or working
with private sector businesses, the picture is very grim and getting
worse, not better.
This has several effects. My income is reduced; escorts are a luxury
and people spend less when money is tight. I travel less often, and
when I do the schedule is packed as tight as possible. On my last
trip I would normally have visited an escort I’ve known for some time,
but between tight personal finances and a hectic, constantly changing
schedule I didn’t even call her.
This isn’t a veiled suggestion about rates; the women I know are
accomplished professionals and earn their fees. I’ve never asked for a
discount; I just don’t call if I don’t have the money.
People are also traveling less. I don’t know the ratio of locals to
travelers for Claire or any other escort, but since I travel less, I’m
not seeing as many escorts. Two recent trips were canceled in favor
of conference calls and web video meetings.
All of these factors are reducing demand not only for escort services
but for all kinds of trade and commerce. I don’t have a solution, but
Claire’s experience may be due to factors well outside of her control.
Claire,
I’m a stripper, myself, but I’ve lately been experiencing something very similar. It sounds like you are headed for some serious burn-out. When was the last time you went on a holiday? A long one, for over a week, or at least three times as long as your usual “weekend”? I’ve noticed that customers (I guess you would have clients…) recognise burn-out way before you will yourself, which I’m sure leads to some kind of vicious cycle. Regardless, if you aren’t feeling at the top of your game, they will respond in a less than enthusiastic manner.
Anyways, I suggest that you not only go on a holiday, but a very long one. And this is the important part: don’t start working again until you genuinely miss it. Make sure to include a lot of time in your vacation to do things that you aren’t particularly able to do while working. (I go out on nights that I would normally work, or wake up early for a nice breakfast) And if you’ve been wanting, for example, to change your hairstyle or colour, take this opportunity to do it.
When you get back to work, you will be much more excited to be there, and it will show.
Hope that helps!
Regarding aging out of the profession…at 34? No. The mid-30s to mid-40s escort can evoke repeat desire in the right client type.
The biologic clock squirts hormones for the final round of reproductive activity, giving her the drive. Her experience and intuition know what a guy wants. Her intelligence knows that looks and physical condition are waning, so there is an impetus to stay in shape and/or ramp up the performance.
In the low 60s myself, if I go for an unreviewed escort, the first choice is one in that middle range. And there are not enough of them around (or maybe they are just UTR). New or repeat, their focused sexuality, really knowing what to do and when to do it, along with having an actual personality, is always a treat.