Of course, some people do go both ways. – Scarecrow (Ray Bolger) in The Wizard of Oz
A reader writes:
When I met my girlfriend she told me that she is bisexual and had been only with girls for two years; at first it only bothered me a bit, but the more I think about it the more insecure I feel. She says she’s only been with two girls, one for a night and the other for seven months; she insists that it was just a phase of her life. But I still feel hurt so I hope you can help give me peace on this.
I’m not sure why you should be bothered, hurt or insecure about her bisexuality; would you be equally concerned if she claimed to be wholly heterosexual? Trust is trust, and fidelity is fidelity; a bisexual girl isn’t any more likely to cheat on you than a strictly straight one would be, merely because she has a wider range of sexual partners. Bisexuality isn’t a sign of wantonness or sluttishness; it’s just that women are far more sexually fluid than men are. As I explained in my column “Ice Cream in the Hand”,
…rather than being “target-specific” as men are, women tend to move around the sexual spectrum depending upon their environment, circumstances and experiences. In other words, though most gay men really are “born that way,” that’s not so true of women, who are much more likely to move between heterosexual and homosexual relationships over time as their conditions change…This is why an open-minded woman can often be talked into swinging, BDSM or some other “kink” that she may not really have been interested in to start with; it’s not necessarily that she has a deep psychological affinity for the activity, but rather that she loves the person who does the talking and as a result can “flow” in that direction unless the process is obstructed by guilt, sexual hang-ups, fear, busybody friends or the like.
It’s all part of the way we’re wired; I explain it pretty thoroughly in the column I linked above. The point is, women really can go through “phases”, so if she says dating a girl exclusively for seven months was a “phase”, that could very well be true. For example, my “little girl” Denise went through an exclusively lesbian stage for several years but hasn’t actually dated a girl for over a decade now. Her bisexuality hasn’t “gone away”; she’s still sexually attracted to women, but doesn’t get into dating relationships with them any more. That doesn’t even mean she’ll never date another woman again, just not right now. I’m bisexual as well, and though I’ve never really had an exclusive lesbian relationship, I’ve had plenty of non-exclusive ones. Perhaps one day I’ll meet a girl who is as attracted to me as I am to her, and if that happens my husband’s already given his permission for me to fool around with her or even develop a relationship. However, if it never happens again I’m not going to cry over it or anything, and if he was less sanguine about it I wouldn’t be any more tempted to cheat on him with chicks than I am with guys…which is to say, not at all.
There is one further point which you may not have thought of: a bisexual girlfriend might – just might, mind you – be far more open to a ménage à trois with another woman than a strictly hetero girlfriend might be. Next time you feel bothered or insecure, contemplate that possibility and maybe you won’t find your lady’s predilections quite so troubling.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
“I’m not sure why you should be bothered, hurt or insecure about her bisexuality; would you be equally concerned if she claimed to be wholly heterosexual?”
There is actually an issue here that a woman might not understand, and that is that most men consider themselves as good as any other man, but no real man believes he is as good as a woman.
This is not original with me, I’m paraphrasing Susan X Meagher: Most men believe that if a woman CAN go both ways, she will dump the man the first time he acts like a dick, which, with most men, is five or ten minutes into the relationship.
Hmmm…that’s interesting. You’re right, it is difficult to grok, though I think I can grasp it intellectually. It’s based in the idea that they’re all on one scale, so that being with a man is somehow “settling” when she “really” wants a woman, right? But that makes no sense because if she WANTED to be with a woman she WOULD be. Furthermore, comparing dudes to chicks is like comparing steak to cake; they’re different experiences.
BINGO!
“It’s based in the idea that they’re all on one scale, so that being with a man is somehow “settling” when she “really” wants a woman, right?”
Actually it’s based on the idea of relative worth. Any really fine woman might leave me if she finds a man who is better than I am, but I can compete with a man and give him a run for his money. How can I compete with a woman? The most mediocre woman on earth has equipment and character and compassion and insight that I don’t have and can’t obtain.
Men are intimidated by the fact that women can create life, and they don’t have to be particularly exemplar to do it. ANY woman has this divine spark inside her. How the heck do I compete with that?
I think it’s based on the fact that some men would be tempted to leave a woman if a “better” one came along, so they believe that women will act the same. Remember that men rank themselves in hierarchies, not inclusive groups like women do.
That’s what I mean by the single-scale fallacy. Not even the best steak will make me happy if I want cake, but not even the most delicious cake will suffice if I’m craving meat.
“You can take what the average man knows about women, put it into one half of a hollowed-out hazelnut shell, and still have enough room left for a network executive’s brain.”
I think you might be onto something. There’s a certain proportion of straight men who really … don’t fundamentally get why a woman would want a man, because women are so much more desirable. To them, female heterosexuality makes as little sense to them as male homosexuality. It’s kind of the “Men are boring, women are special” thing.
Of course, there’s also a goodly number of people who are the other way round; “why settle for a woman when you can have a man?” I think that’s a smaller number, though; but it’s part of why there’s often the automatic assumption that a man who claims to be bi is actually gay, but a woman who claims to be bi is actually just straight and sexually exploratory.
Only part of it, of course.
Another real-world thing operating is that life is in many respects easier when you match society’s expectations. This expectation would end up with most bisexuals ending up in opposite-gender relationships, which does end up being the case a lot of the time. That one simply meets more heterosexually compatible people than homosexually compatible people is also included in there, of course; unless one lives largely within a gay subculture, most of the potential partners one meets will be straight.
A lot of gay men and women shun bisexuals exactly because they fear, if things got tough, the bisexual will run back to a heterosexual partner.
Alternate theory: Her being bisexual raises the (perceived) value/quality of his girlfriend. All else equal, raising the perceived quality of the girlfriend along any variable will cause the same unease in the boyfriend. If, by magic, his girlfriend suddenly became The Most Beautiful Woman in the World and she found a trillion dollar platinum coin between her tits, his unease would increase still more despite all of those things being (theoretically) great news for him.
Also a good point, and why the boyfriends of attractive, desirable women seem to have a greater tendency to act like jealous jerks (and thus, often, wrecking their own relationships).
When you’re in love with a beautiful woman you watch your friends
When you’re in love with a beautiful woman it never ends
You know that it’s crazy, you want to trust her
And then somebody hangs up when you answer the phone
When you’re in love with a beautiful woman you go it alone
Dear Maggie,
I don’t know know how it happened – but I was walking along the sidewalk and, from out of nowhere, straight from the heavens – as if GOD himself had ordained it – A SACK CONTAINING ONE MILLION DOLLARS DROPPED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!
Maggie, this isn’t my money – but i took into the police department and they told me to keep it – they even laughed at me for bringing it in.
What should I do?
(FUGGIN’ KIDDIN’ ME … THIS GUY HAS HIT THE MOTHER LOAD IF HE FOUND A BISEXUAL GIRLFRIEND!!)
Best response ever.
“Oh, please don’t throw me in the briar patch!”
I always wondered how Bolger’s line in Wizard of Oz got past the censors…
Odd. I am very jealous when it comes to my wife and men. But I’ve told her that the door is wide open if she wants to have fun with women. Just tell me all the details after. I can’t be alone in this.
But she definitely is more straight than I am. She seems to be 95/5 and i am more 70/30. Which would be great for her (she has a big MFM desire) except I’m massive jealous if we even start flirting with a guy. So doesn’t work.
So you are probably right about women being more fluid. But doesn’t seem to be the case with us. Unless she has shifted to match my preferences. Hmm…
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield.
I’ve seen that line credited to Woody Allen. Does anyone know of a reliable source for who actually said it?
One version of it was credited (perhaps spuriously) to Oscar Wilde. “If you are willing to walk down both sides of the street, you double your chances of meeting someone you like.”
I’m with Krulac on this one…….a girl that’s bi….and he’s complaining!!? Either he’s mega inexperienced and sheltered or there’s something else at play.
Dear diary,
Jackpot!
Playing the devil’s advocate here, has anyone thought that maybe the guy has his own sexual boundaries and that a bisexual girlfriend is a little out of his comfort zone? What if she enjoyed being with two guys? What if she was a porn star, would everyone here have the same opinion? Everybody has their own limits and in today’s world, can anyone really say what’s normal any more? My one piece of advice for the gentleman would be to really find out what he wants, and not just in relationship terms, but spiritually, financially, in life, etc. Maybe if he was more in touch with himself, he’d be more inclined to know how he feels about the girl.
There’s no better way to discover what you really want than to experiment.
When I first started up the relationship with Laura, I considered myself lucky in finding a highly sexual girl who also seemed to be smart enough that talking to her is fun. Then se says I’ve got the green light to see other people as long as I recognize the same for her. Then I found out that she likes oldies and values religious freedom (which is how we manage our religious differences) and while she and I don’t agree on some political things, I’m lucky in that we agree on the points which are most important to me. And then it turns out that she’s bisexual. And then she turns out to be poly.
In those times (and I suppose that all couples have them) when I feel so mad at her I want to bite horseshoes and spit nails, I do try to remember how lucky I am.
Dear Sailor B, I’m very lucky to have YOU! We’re very blessed in that we found each other. If I’d believed the ###*** that “someone will come to you” and “women shouldn’t make efforts to find sex AND also the possibility of love” we may not have met. I vowed to never go back to my old life (the 1 before my family tragedy) and part of that change was to make efforts to find sex AND the possibility of love. We found both with each other. Unfortunately, my mind was too closed in the past to even the possibility of loving more than 1 person at a time. Thank God I’m out of that! I’ve learned that the fear of socializing I had in the past was to a degree me giving into the “gloom and doom” ###*** that the world system pushes (don’t risk involvement; it’s an automatic betrayal to the 1 you already love if you risk it; bad things can happen; never acknowledge the positives, etc.). Thank YOU for being a very fun person to talk to also! I noticed that about you right away. Also for bearing with me during the years I was “in the closet” about being bisexual and having sex friends and for your support as I’ve done (and am doing the last of that work) to get OUT of that closet FOR GOOD to ALL in my life. This is a process that’s still happening and your support has been invaluable through it. THANK YOU for this and much more. Yes, we have times when we’re angry at each other, but also have a commitment to work through that instead of just giving in and giving up (another thing the world system pushes…gag).
^_^