I’m in love with a sex worker, and we’ve decided we are going to live together and she is going to retire and pursue a “normal” career. Despite having a degree and being intelligent and capable, she’s concerned about getting work; I’ve told her I don’t have a problem with her seeing her more trustworthy regulars from time to time until she feels financially comfortable. I’d be willing to support her completely, but financial independence is very important to her and she has said she doesn’t want to rely on me for support. She reads your website avidly, so I wonder if you have any advice for us?
My biggest concern about the situation as described is that it’s nearly always a bad idea for a sex worker to stop working for love. I did it, and it set the stage for two separate financial debacles in 2004 and 2008; we still haven’t yet recovered from the second one. I’ve also seen others do it, with results ranging from OK to disastrous. If your lady wants to quit sex work for other reasons that have nothing to do with you, well and fine; but if the sole reason she’s quitting to pursue a relatively low-paying “normal” job (in a bad economy, yet) is because of your relationship, she is making a mistake (potentially a very serious one). The stress, drudgery and inadequate compensation of a “straight” job are likely to lead to resentment against you even if she makes the choice of her own free will, and if y’all get into dire financial straits because of the lesser income that resentment will be quadrupled. Obviously, the choice should be hers and hers alone; neither you nor I nor her non-sex worker friends have any right to push her in either direction. But she needs to deeply consider the potential consequences to her, to you, to your finances and to your relationship if she leaves a well-paid job for which she’s temperamentally suited in favor of a less-remunerative one for which she isn’t.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
I wonder if quitting may be the wrong word and changing professions would perhaps be better?
I’m not entirely sure just stopping doing something that seems to work for you may yield the results that most people desire.
I would be inclined to use Dr Magnanti as a positive example of someone who has changed careers to do other things she I thinks considers worthwhile and rewarding.
Certainly although I’ve never worked within the sex industry, I’ve retrained and changed professions more than once and will probably do several times more before (if I ever do) retire.
The retraining usually occurs while I’m doing one thing and the next profession is usually selected because it brings benefits that the former profession does not posses.
However I sincerely wish the contributor the best of luck with whatever choices he and his partner make.
Maggie will redact these letters to omit excessive personal information. There’s really not enough here for us to speculate on. Perhaps the girl has been thinking about leaving the profession for a while … perhaps she’s in love and doesn’t want the profession to get in the way … perhaps she’s getting older and believes she has to quit eventually anyway. Millions of reasons someone might want to “quit”.
I’d be interested to know, for example – how he MET her. Was he a client? Not all hooker boyfriends are. One escort I know told me that she met her boyfriend in college and never told him until AFTER they were married. Her cell phone went off one day with a text from a client and he was the only one near it … so he checked it out. That led to a whole “discussion” over her secret life – but, in the end he accepted it. She was playing with some serious fire – but it worked out for her.
I could explain why him being a client would be important to me … but that would make this incredibly long.
Belle de Jour is not a good comparison. As I remember, she financed part of her PhD this way and with a good PhD in forensic sciences you can earn a very reasonable and comfortable salary while doing something interesting at the same time. A job as a scientist also has an excellent long-term perspective if it is something you love doing and stay current at. Whether the lady in question here has similar prospects or not is the all-deciding factor in my opinion.
“As I remember, she financed part of her PhD this way and with a good PhD in forensic sciences you can earn a very reasonable and comfortable salary while doing something interesting at the same time”.
I think your being too specific, I certainly wasn’t suggesting she go into forensic sciences, an alternative could perhaps be masseuse, sports therapy, there are alternatives.
And um the number of graduates in forensics is far, far outstripped by the number of jobs available to forensics and the industry appears to be struggling financially.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-21251162
Whatever love is, it’s a very difficult thing.
Anyone who’s worked for a living knows that they are able to spend their earnings in any way, without anyone commenting; spending someone else’s money is quite different. (I’ve been there, it’s awful.)
But: if you are reliant on another for your money, your “pocket money”, well it becomes difficult. It’s rare for something to be given entirely without strings, and here you can’t be the mistress of your destiny while thinking at the same time that what you have is the benefice of another.
So, lady of the question who reads this blog, think carefully about this arrangement. You are an independent person, not someone reliant on the “charity” of others. By all means change your occupation, but persist with an independent income—which may well be much less than you are used to—but change it to suit yourself, not as a pleasing gesture.
And remember that sometimes love doesn’t last: I hope it does for you, but be realistic and pragmatic.
I am neither a sex worker nor a female, but Maggie’s counsel sounds wise to me.
The query begins with “we’ve decided we are going to live together and she is going to retire and pursue a “normal” career.”
That wording may be Maggie’s way to redact personally identifying information out of the query. But it does beg some questions, in my mind.
First, *how much* income does she need in order to feel that she’s not relying on him for financial support?
As a related question, is it likely that she will get that amount of income from “normal” work? As many sex workers point out, for most women in any society, sex work is probably the most lucrative work they will ever find.
Of course, whether this will be true for *her* is up to them to figure out.
Second, how has she felt about her work? *Has* she been “temperamentally suited” to it, or has she kept working simply because of the money?
Is there something else she has always dreamed of doing, instead? Something that might make it “worth it” to her to have a lower income?
And finally, what part has “shame” taken in this decision? for her, for him? (If they think it has played no part at all, they are probably fooling themselves. IMHO, YMMV, and so forth of course.)
Because “shame” can lead us to make a decision out of shame, but to justify it (to themselves, in their own minds) for different reasons entirely. Such as “love.”
I love Maggie’s approach to this sort of question. Some decisions really can’t be made by anyone but yourself — even if you decide later that you made a mistake.
I’ve been in this situation before and quitting sex work for love usually never works! It’s like closing the doors of your Boutique, Bakery, or Flower Shop because your lover is too insecure of your success.
What men have to realize is that this is a BUSINESS/Commerce and not our hobby. This industry feeds our kids, pays their tuition, pays our bill’s, pays for my health Insurance, pays for my Metformin so that I don’t die from my Diabetes.
I’ts so much deeper than just quitting because I like some dude. It’s closing the door on the Empire that I’ve created for me and my family’s future.
Now if she wants to quit…..more power to her and Good luck.
But if she really wants her financial independence, she needs to keep forging STRAIGHT ahead.
[…] Boyfriends or husbands who demand that the sex worker give up her work and either become economically dependent (“barefoot and pregnant”) or go to work in a shitty non-sex “straight” job that will wear her down; […]