When I was 21 I fell in love with a beautiful 25-year-old escort; I became her regular and after five months we started unpaid dating. We fell in love with each other and planned to marry; I had no objection to her work, and she appreciated my support. But not very long after we moved in together, she was diagnosed with a virulent cancer and died nine hard months later. As you can imagine, I was emotionally devastated and started to see a psychiatrist who helped me a lot. Seven years later, I’m successful in my business but don’t feel anything for any of the women I’ve tried to date. When one of them questioned my emotional distance I told her about my dead girlfriend; she mocked me and then left me. So eventually I decided to start seeing escorts again; for the last six months I’ve regularly seen a wonderful girl. I’m so comfortable with her; we can talk about anything, and she’s the first woman I’ve been able to actually have sex with since my girlfriend died. I have very strong feelings for her, but I don’t know if she feels the same. I don’t want to lose her; can you give me any advice?
Humans are creatures of habit, and sometimes we fall into destructive patterns of behavior without realizing that we’re doing it. For example, a woman may get out of an abusive relationship, only to find she keeps unconsciously attracting or seeking other abusive men. Or a man may keep dating women who all look eerily like his high school sweetheart. It’s a well-known observation that people often marry partners who resemble (physically or behaviorally) their opposite-sex parent, and so on. What it looks like to me is that you are unconsciously trying to bring your lost love back from the dead. The two of you were so much in love and then she was suddenly snatched from you at a tragically-young age, so you haven’t really been able to accept that despite years of therapy; because of that and the bad experiences with amateurs, you seem to have convinced yourself that you can only be in love with another escort. But while it may be true that escorts are easier to talk to than amateur women, and for most men we’re certainly less sexually intimidating, it is actually much harder for most men to have romantic relationships with us due to jealousy, stigma, cultural baggage and everything else. Most escorts won’t even consider dating men they meet as clients, and though there are occasional exceptions your good luck in finding one in your first love may have blinded you to just how uncommon a situation it actually is.
It’s OK to keep seeing escorts for your sexual needs, but you mustn’t expect lightning to strike twice; it’s very unlikely that you’ll easily find another one to replace your lost love. Do date amateur women, but do not under any circumstance tell them you even see sex workers, much less that you were emotionally involved with one; most amateurs are utterly clueless on this subject and will react like that one girl you tried to date, or maybe even worse. And most of all, you need to return to therapy so you can get help in finally letting go of your beloved, so you’ll stop trying to replace her with someone who may share nothing in common with her except a profession.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
Really? Because, with me – it’s the opposite. It’s the “free” women that I feel no intimidation over. Not even the slightest.
I wish I had time to psycho-analyze that! LOL
Reblogged this on liveinmistress.
As a person with sales experience, Krulac, I gotta say there are no “free” women. Only women who hide a much higher price tag (and here I think Maggie’s intention is in talking of the emotional price tag.) I agree with Maggie’s statement; I find that, when I did use professionals, the experience was much less intimidating because I felt that there were going to be no surprise expectations imposed on me.
Perhaps a better term than “free” would be unreliable.
+1 to that!
Wow, I agree with that! The pros are way less intimidating because it is their job to entertain and please you! That’s what you are paying them for and not the other way around. I can relax, enjoy the fantasy without worrying about pleasing them (other than monetarily). I have spent my whole life trying to please women, understand them, figuring out what they want, getting them to cum…now it is my turn to get pleased, entertained and pleasured with little regard or worry as to whether I am impressing or turning on my partner.
I went to an escort that was 11 years older than me. I simply thought I’d walk out after my hour was done and that I’d never see her again. She ended up asking if she could join me for drinks, so I said yes and we went and had fun for a few hours at a local bar getting to know each other
I walked her home and then thought this is the last time I’ll see her. She ended up texting me in the morning and asked to go on a picnic. I went and we had fun. She invited me back to her place, although I thought this was more of a ploy to get me there, get me horny and then say I had to pay. We started making out and I asked her if a fee was involved this time and she said “Nope… we’re just having fun!” with a seductive smile. We hung out for a bit afterwards, she cooked me dinner and I left.
Anyway we started hanging out like that every now and then. I have to say that I definitely fell in love. I had no idea how to handle any of this because 1) she is an escort and 2) she was much older than me. I still wonder to this day if she had any feelings for me. She did ask me questions that lead me to believe she did, but I am still full of doubt. Questions like: “Would you date a 40 year old woman when you’re 30?” I was still in university at the time so was not very well off.
We are no longer in contact, mostly for reasons that I don’t know/understand. She went on a vacation, never told me a return date and never responded to a text I sent her about a movie we had planned to see. I lost my phone and have never got a new one, so I have no idea if she has tried to contact me or not. I miss her a lot and have never felt closer to a human being — we did have similar negative childhood experiences that we shared with each other and had this understanding for each other on that level.
I still think about her and hope that we run into each other within the next couple of years. Yes… I would date a 40 year old woman if I was 30 if it was her.
Wow, Jamie, my heart goes out to you. My first big love was a much older married women, it went on for years for me, but she would never leave her husband for me. (She was right on that.) I’d say more, but personal experience here is too public. Sounds like she had very real feelings for you. Sometimes with women I ask too “I still wonder to this day if she had any feelings for me,” then, of course, I also sometimes ask “did anybody get the number of that truck that hit me?!” Sometimes I imagine bugs bunny opening up an elevator shaftway and saying “watch that first step doc, it’s a doosey!” My heart goes out to you!