I agree with you that “a whore is a whore is a whore”, but it’s one thing to say that and quite another to practice it personally. I have nothing against women who advertise on Backpage – two of my best friends fall in that category – but the prospect of doing it myself results in a special kind of revulsion. How would you propose that a whore more accustomed to the “high class call girl” route get over that kind of internalized whorephobia? It’s not morality, and it’s not even logic; my mentor has suggested that my earnings would improve considerably if I’d get off my damn high horse, work in the big cities at the market rate taking callers on short notice, and quit waiting on men to book long sessions well in advance. I just can’t stomach the idea of myself as “that kind” of whore, even though I was once previously successful working like that and could use the money.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. None of us can help what squicks us out, and sometimes the squick factor is stronger than the desire for money. There’s also the simple fact that we’re all good at different things; “high-end” GFE is so natural and easy for me I can practically do it in my sleep, but domination takes effort and PSE is so hard it’s practically impossible. But I have friends for whom the order of difficulty is different, and some tell me GFE is so difficult for them they prefer to avoid it entirely. I don’t think preferring to stick to what one is good at and avoiding what’s difficult or revolting is necessarily a sign of whorephobia; it could just be that you prefer to take a little pay cut to make your life easier (a sin against commerce of which I, too, am guilty). If it doesn’t bother you that your friends do mid-range touring, and you don’t look back on your own past with disgust, and you don’t treat other sex workers any differently or talk down to them, your problem may not be whorephobia but rather the kind of genteel indolence which causes many of us to pick sex work over our other options in the first place. If a woman prefers to do sex work because it gives her a higher return for less effort than “straight” jobs, it’s certainly no surprise if she chooses to do a form of sex work she personally finds easier and more palatable over one she finds less so.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
Years ago I would have said conversations like this were a bit of hair splitting but now I’m not so sure. I have a long time friend who divorced her husband because of his philandering, lies, dangerous habits, and general misconduct. However, she missed the awesome sex so much that she now uses him for weekend sexual romps in resort hotels at his expense. They have mind blowing sex and he pays for everything. Hmmmm. Do we see any parallels here?
There’s a difference, however, between not liking something and thinking less of people that do.
I think you could substitute any profession for sex work and people could empathize with your concerns. Some of us do well working for others, some of us don’t. Some of us like being around a lot of people, some don’t. Some care about ambiance, some don’t. Some work hard to tailor what they do for the market, others say this is what I do, take it or leave it. Certainly one can have as much respect for a waitress who bustles about a classic diner chatting with regulars and newbies alike as for a classic French waiter. Each can have enthusiasm and integrity, which is what generates respect from me, at least.
I see what you have as an interesting marketing problem. It is very similar to what I faced in my career as a manager of performing artists. I worked with people who weren’t house hold names, but who had, beyond talent, great life lessons to give. I found ways to get them performing more often in higher paying venues. This took creating good marketing materials, writeups, photos, demo videos, etc, that could educate the buyers, and which the buyers could use to educate their audiences. And at the beginning, certainly, we needed to include some low paying clubs in the touring schedules as we worked our way to civic auditoriums and major festivals.
So what I am suggesting is you might continue to do work as you like, but find some marketing tactics that would help attract more of the clients who appreciate you and can pay your asking fee. This might include getting photos that appeal to one or more specific tastes, having an incall that speaks to their aesthetic sense, having little surprises like greeting them with a chocolate or other small gift, etc. (The latter idea has been shown to increase tipping in restaurants.)
You might also think about developing a second persona, doing fbsm, for example, that could be a second income stream when you needed it. Or cultivating clients who can’t quite pay your asking fee, but who you find pleasant and/or helpful enough to see once in a while. Hopefully you’ll find a sweet spot on the quantity vs. quality curve.
I can really empathize with what your correspondent says and how she feels, Maggie, as well as your response.
Sometimes it’s just not worth the effort — it’s not even effort, since doing any job right takes effort, but rather it’s a kind of psychological displacement — to do things one has an aversion to, even if they’re good for the bottom line.
I think it is more a marketing problem, how to attract the kinds of clients and gigs one feels one is best at, or how to get the existing work to pay better, and not one of downscaling.
I agree with Si that your correspondent’s task is to develop both new marketing tactics and — more importantly — a new marketing strategy that brings her the results she seeks and merits. That may or may not involve developing different personas, but a good old-fashioned market analysis, determination of the nature of her “best customer,” and how to reach those clients and close the deal are called for.
We tend to do best what we like doing best, what appeals to us the most. Nothing wrong with “genteel indolence,” but when it comes to paying the bills sometimes one has to put aside the indolence, if not the gentility, and find ways to accommodate both our genteel and practical sides.
BTW, I don’t know if it’s a reflection on me and my slipping literacy in this field, but I had to look up two acronyms both in Maggie’s and Si’s responses. Nothing like that “duh” feeling that follows.
Dear Ms. McNeill:
The primary thing is knowing your niche and where you excel within this vast demimonde. Once you have identified that then it is your perogative to concentrate and excel at part of the profession. Also I find that given your academic background you like this part of the adult companionship arena because it gives you a chance to connect with your clients and they probably give you some things that you can include in your writing.
Also at this point you have taken note and stock of how you have changed as a provider and the types of men that you would entertain. At one time maybe your standards might of been different and you looked to concentrate your business with a certain sector of the population. However as you grew and you became more educated regarding a variety of subjects, then a certain group of men who had knowledge on a wide scope of topics became your targeted market group. With that said they were of a certain tier and class, and you started concentrating on them for yourself. I dare say that when you ran your business in Louisiana this type of client was one that you usually booked for yourself and I can imagine eventually you married one. This type of person is one that you can connect with on most levels and would be the prototypical client for someone of your ilk and stature.
The same thing applies to basically every other job where you have a choice in how to specialize and what to do in detail and how to approach your tasks.
I do the same thing in a completely different field, and the question to ask is not whether you could use the money, but whether you need it or whether it would compensate you for loss of job-satisfaction (usually, it does not…).
> it could just be that you prefer to take a little pay cut to make your life easier (a sin against commerce of which I, too, am guilty)
That’s not a sin. Buying your own time back is a perfectly legitimate expression of your preferences.