I met a woman through a mutual friend and though I was very attracted to her, she had a boyfriend so I respectfully didn’t pursue anything. Then we became friends via Facebook and began texting each other; I began flirting with her and she responded positively. We started kissing and began to have lunches together, and though my feelings for her began to grow she told me that we could only be friends. I broke off our relationship several times and asked her to not to contact me anymore, but she still contacted me after a week or two and the cycle began would begin again. Eventually I decided to break it off permanently, and she said goodbye and got married to the man she was with. But since then I’ve often wondered what she really wanted from me.
I think she wanted exactly what she got from you until you broke it off: a guy who would pay attention to her and make her feel attractive, but who could still be kept in the “friend zone”. Now, a lot of women strongly dislike that concept, and for the most part I agree with them; the idea that friendship is somehow incomplete in comparison with a sexual relationship is really rather odious. But given that she was actively pursuing you and doling out just enough sex (the kissing) to keep you interested, I think the “friend zone” concept applies. I used to know a girl like that; she actively pursued a mutual male friend, used sex to keep him interested, and then refused him the closer connection he obviously craved. If he hadn’t broken it off she would’ve kept monopolizing his affections for as long as it suited her. I think your friend was much the same: if you hadn’t broken it off she just would’ve kept stringing you along, possibly even after she was married. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a woman wanting a friendship with a man rather than a sexual relationship, but sending mixed signals isn’t fair to anyone.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
I love the image. Yeah, ya gotta feel that way with some people, and you don’t even get a single green arrow.
BTW, I’ve always been one to feel there was nothing wrong with fucking friends, or wanting to. As you say, when there’s a connection there, why would sex in any way detract from the friendship? Sadly, from my perspective, not everyone feels that way.
Had my heart broken by a woman doing this. Sad thing is, I knew what was going on and just couldn’t help myself.
“What did I see?
Fool that I was
A goddess, with wings on her heels
All my illusions
Projected on her
The ideal, that I wanted to see”
Halo Effect by RUSH
This is the sort of stupid stunt that leaves a lot of guys with a permanent bad taste in their mouths about women. And even if a woman thinks this sort of behavior is acceptable, she should stop and think that maybe, just maybe her sisters down the line won’t appreciate having to deal with the suspicion and ill-feeling she stirred up just for the fun of it.
Men do exactly the same thing.
I guess that’s true in a way, but they’re usually promising attention to get sex rather than sex to get attention, which is also kind of the opposite.
I have met several men who just liked the attention … one of them used to stand close behind me or touch me in other ways, but when I tried to touch him in return he would say ‘what are you doing’ and treat me like a fool. He wasn’t interested in sex with me at all. He was constantly playing a game of showing interest (I invited him home and he stayed with me a few nights, sleeping in the guestroom) and then talking about my goodlooking friends. It was a very traumatizing experience: I wasn’t even attractive enough to have sex with. This happened when I was 19 years old, but at 32 I’m still unable to open myself to men and have serious relationships with emotional involvement.
Another guy I met liked to surround himself with women (he was a choir director) but was quite picky and as far as I could see, he loved the attention more than the sex he could get.
But then I’m not a goodlooking woman … maybe I am indeed not attractive enough to have sex with for most men.
Awww Lily. Just because you’ve met some asses don’t think you’re not attractive. I’ve know plain looking women who were quite beautiful, sexy and attractive because they trusted themselves to be that way. And we’ve all met good looking men and women that are stuck up prigs that are just plain ugly from deep inside. Please don’t judge yourself by what you see posted in the press or on the interwebs. Most of those “people” are just not real.