My dear friend Endza is wise beyond her years, as brave as she is beautiful, and far more together than I was at her age (in those long-ago and far-off times of the 1980s, Best Beloved). You may be interested in following her (NSFW) Twitter feed or reading her “lackadaisically updated” blog, and she appeared with me (and many other sex workers) yesterday on the cover of the New York Times magazine (top row, first on the left). Oh, and I have a dinner date with her a week from today; eat your hearts out, boys and girls.
I am that annoying girl sitting in the front row of class who knows the answer to every question the professor asks. I am also that girl who had just finished washing the cum out of my hair before I got to school (I will never understand porn’s obsession with cumming on my face). For me that is an unremarkable day. I have no problem with carrying the labels of honor student and porn model; to me, they fit together like two of the many puzzle pieces that make up who I am. It is the rest of the world that demands these two labels be a contradiction. When I am at school I am allowed the label of “brilliant”. I am nerd who adores learning just a little bit too much. Yet, soon as I speak out in my public persona, as soon as it is mentioned that I am both a sex worker and a student. I become “a whore pretending to be an intellectual”. Every ounce of my intelligence is degraded by what I choose to do for work; people cannot seem to believe that I can be both intelligent and happy in this world.
Yet, I am very happy with what I do. I have an amazing job that celebrates my sexuality, facilitates me have amazing sex, and supports me in getting my degree. Sex and learning, that sounds like the perfect life to me. It is the stigma that makes these two worlds hard to coexist in. One day I am in San Francisco surrounded by a whirlwind of makeup artists, costumes, sex, and cameras; the next I am two states away sitting in a classroom, my hair hidden under a hat hoping no one will recognize me. You see, I have plans, plans that involve a grad school degree in medical neuroscience. If I was outed it could put all of my academic plans in jeopardy. Society is constantly trying to take away the autonomy of sex workers; I am fearful that someone may take it upon themselves to decide that just because I enjoy sex, it means I can’t handle a rigorous academic program.
And that is one of the best-case scenarios if I am discovered. Belle Knox, a lovely porn star who attended Duke University, received death threats when one of her friends let her secret slip; people were so offended by a porn star going to college they felt the need to threaten physical violence. I can’t even begin to understand the logic behind their threats; don’t sex workers deserve an education just as much as anyone else? As a result, I take measures to make sure I am not discovered. I look remarkably different without makeup or curly hair and that’s before I hide under baggy clothing. I do my best not to make any close friends at school, because I know I will have to lie to each and every one of them.
Now this is the point where most people ask me why I don’t just quit? Find a job that is less stigmatized and prioritize my academics? This is because I am stubborn. Porn is my chosen profession. I am a consenting, autonomous adult and my right to chose a job will not be taken away from me. Every time someone tells me I should quit, my resolve grows stronger. I love my job, and I am good at it. I refuse to let society’s opinion of my life change my behavior. I am a 23-year-old honor student who is managing to not only support herself but also follow her academic dreams. I adore my life. So here I am. I am just stubborn enough to stand and defiantly tell the world that it needs to change its opinion because I am not changing anything about my life.
Good for you. Stay stubborn.
What a clear piece. I admire your openness (and intelligence) of course.
You must be a strong woman. Yes, it’s really dumb, and it boggles my mind, why women who choose to have clear agency over their bodies and sexuality are suddenly considered dumb or less intelligent. The comments on Brooke Magnanti reflect this mentality too. She is also, by all means, brilliant.
This mentality shows that there is still a lot to do, and this mentality also shows that society seems to go backwards when it comes to sex workers (and everything and everyone to do with it). It strikes me that, in the times of the great courtesans on the top of their game, they had to be intelligent, witty, and confident. Traits that were admired my their clients, who surely didn’t only pay for sex. I know this isn’t exactly your line of work, and sadly real courtesans don’t exist anymore in a way they once did, but I think you understand my point.
By the way, sorry for my bad English and mediocre expression. I’m by no means as intelligent as you ;).
Your chosen field is what I would pursue if I was more intelligent, instead of artistically inclined, so I was overjoyed to read about your future plans. I’m excited for you. You seem like an incredible human, & you’re only going to get smarter & achieve more amazing things in the future. I’m always so glad to see other nerdy porn stars representing 😉 I hope you get everything you’ve ever wanted.
PS: I also do not understand porno cum-shots in the face. I don’t find film clips of women flinching or wincing to be sexy, & it happens most of the time when you close your eyes & wait to get squirted in the face ;D
Porn: it’s Acting, as much (if not more) than it’s Sex.
Of course it *is* Sex, and one fervently hopes it’s consentual sex at that (shudder at the opposite idea; that’s a crime being filmed, squick).
I don’t find porn exciting when the lady looks uncomfortable with whatever the act is, I agree with you, Kidvelociraptor. Enthusiasm, tho? That’s very hot, and it mirrors what I want most from partner sex too. I move your planet, you move mine, pretty please 🙂
The real problem, i think, is that some young men see porn, and don’t appreciate that what they are watching (commercial porn) is :
1) Scripted Acting
2) The actors are “exceptional people” for both their looks, degree of sexuality, and willingness to have sex for public entertainment and money
3) The kind of sex they see isn’t *typical* of the kind of sex most people *do*; in other words, there’s an “artificial” menu being depicted.
4) They don’t see the “making of the movie”: it looks like a seamless experience when the reality is different.
Of course theres a lot of self-filmed non-commercial porn (people filming themselves for the thrill of playing to an audience, and the idea of turning on “The Watchers”) which is mixed in there (Esp on Youporn, et al) which muddies the water further.
I’m far from anti-porn though. I love watching sexy ladies getting their groove on; I’m always amazed at the variety of things folks clearly love getting upto, including things that look difficult to do, or even distressing (like a teary-eyed deepthroat).
But having read quite a few blogs, the idea that some ladies *luuurve* that in a visceral and intense and sexually satisfying way is 100% real for them.
More power to you, Ladies. ❤
Part of this comes down to jealousy. Accepting that someone can be very attractive and highly intelligent is just too much for some people to take.
At least you’re not going to drown in debt upon graduation, and judging by this post, smarter than the dipshits who can’t be bothered to actually research the history of sex work.
I do love you in so many ways. This is one of the many reasons you are my friend. Now I’m going to tell you you should STOP doing porn (because I am a friend and if it strengthens your resolve to do what makes you happy then so be it). You have the right to make a living doing what is best for you and to go to school. If other people can’t understand that, then they are ignorant fools. You are an amazing woman and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. You are making America great!
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