Recently I commented on Twitter that the chance of an all-amateur threesome being awful is approximately 100%, and that if you want a good threesome you really need to hire a professional (or even two). Naturally, I got some blowback from this, because amateurs – especially a certain subset of female amateurs – are very intimidated by the fact (yes, I said “fact”) that professionals are better at sex than they are. As I wrote in “Don’t Try This At Home“, “ Part of the reason is that we get a lot more practice, and part is necessity…we have to be better at it because our livelihoods depend on it.” How many different partners does the average amateur have vs the average pro? How many times does the average amateur practice per week, and in how many different ways? How many different skills does the average amateur take time to learn, and how much practice does she get in setting boundaries, resolving conflicts, etc? But the most important question of all is, Why is this so controversial? In every other field of human endeavor, the idea that professionals are generally better at whatever-it-is than amateurs is a given; it’s why the term “amateur” can be used in a pejorative manner. Except when the subject is sex, “You should probably hire a pro to do that” is usually considered good and wholly uncontroversial advice for any compex task that requires greater skill and experience than the average amateur is likely to have. And believe me, threesomes are complicated; even some professionals don’t like to do them because of the possibility of couple drama:
The first thing I always establish…[is] that the wife [is] in control…since she might become jealous by seeing another woman touching her husband, she [has] the right to speak up if…something…[makes] her uncomfortable. Sitting close to both of them, I…point out that they…called me to help them experience something novel and exciting, but that it wasn’t for everyone so if the wife [feels] overwhelmed or freaked out she need[s] to say something immediately…
You think even experienced amateurs (except, perhaps, experienced kinksters) go to that trouble? It is to laugh. They just dive in without any discussion of what the session should even look like, and then are surprised when all the various disasters one reads about in amateurs’ silly articles happen. The Daily Beast declared “Threesomes are Actually a Terrible Idea“; the Daily Mail presented “10 Reasons Why Having a Threesome is a Bad Idea” (SCIENCE!), and the anti-sex-despite-its-name Vice helpfully shared “People Explain Why Threesomes Are Boring and Evil“. As you might expect, all of these are deeply stupid and woefully ignorant, and only the Beast article even mentions the word “professional” (and even there, it’s bizarrely referring to the male as being the one in need of professional skills). Even when jealousy isn’t a factor (and believe me, it can sometimes pop up even in situations that at first seem safe), motivation and direction are. Amateurs aren’t getting paid, so they want to have “fun” and get sulky when they feel left out or lose steam before the others do. And if all three are equally incompetent, who’s going to manage things? Because, dear reader, somebody has to. See, the title of this essay is ironic; a threesome isn’t evenly-balanced like a tripod, though that’s what amateurs believe and expect; it’s more like a parent taking two overexcited kids to the zoo for the first time. Or, in the case of a duo, two parents taking one kid. That’s why most pros generally prefer to work with a specific duo partner (for me it’s Lorelei Rivers); it’s much easier to provide a good experience with a partner one knows well than to try to wing it with someone who can’t read one’s non-verbal cues as reliably. And as any parent can tell you, things always go more smoothly when the people running the show are on the same page.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
Well, the disdain for actual experts is pretty strong in other areas as well. People think they understand computer security, physics, medicine, nuclear reactors, world economy, world climate and a lot of other decidedly expert-only topics. Not surprisingly, what they then think they understand turns out to be nonsense, often even to a non-expert that is just well educated or actually able to look things up.
In my personal area of expertise, the current stupid thing is “coding boot camps”. People actually believe you can acquire an advanced technical skill in a few weeks. How insane is that? In actual reality, it does not only take dedication and talent and a quite difficult education, it also takes a few years of experience to become any good at it. But many people now believe everybody can do it and it is actually easy. Pure insanity.
Of course, in your area of expertise, the disregard for experts has probably been ongoing for thousands of years. After all, most people can have sex somewhat successfully or the human race would have died out a long time ago. But having fun in a complex configuration? Not likely to happen without that expert or several of them.
Amen. In triplicate.
Most every professional has some horror stories they’ve witnessed:
In construction, professionals have to repair or reconstruct the damage done by amateur carpenters, roofers, plumbers, electricians, etc.
In coding, professional programmers debug code written by amateurs.
Most every lawyer has encountered a would-be client who says “Just tell the judge yada-yada”. The professional reflex is “If you want to do that, go ahead. You can represent yourself.” Even though many judges will give self-represented amateurs every break and benefit of doubt they can, most amateurs lose, or fare much worse than they would have if represented by professional counsel. Amateurs then complain that the judge was unfair.
The saddest cases are when the house falls down, or the amateur coder’s client suffers injury from bad code, or when the self-represented amateur goes to jail.
I expect (though I do not know firsthand) that in Maggie’s profession, many sad cases caused by amateurs occur also. For just one possible example: divorces and consequent financial costs.
Er … um … ah …
Speaking as an “experienced amateur” – about a dozen threesomes of various configurations (FFM, MMF, FFF, couple plus me, friend of mine plus me plus curious newbie, etc.) as well as a few bigger ones – I take exception to the idea that any sexual trio sans a professional presence is certain to be awful. In my case, only a couple were “not so good” but certainly not awful, and the rest ranged from really nice fun to mind-blowingly ecstatic with lasting friendships as a result. Plus I’ve talked to plenty of friends who also had positive threesome experiences without hiring a seasoned pro. Oh, and one couple I talked to had a negative experience hiring an escort, and who are fully aware that one such anecdote doesn’t translate to a “100% disaster rate” for hiring sex workers.
I do agree that too many people “just dive in without any discussion of what the session should even look like, and then are surprised when all the various disasters one reads about in amateurs’ silly articles happen.” Hell, look how many disasters that couples get themselves into because they don’t talk about what they want/desire/expect from one another.
You’re right that experienced kinksters do know about engaging in prior discussion and/or negotiation and/or whatever-you-want-to-call-it. Guess what? That’s also true with the polyamory community, which overlaps considerably with the kink community (I’m a member of both).
I’m not downplaying that many couples looking to invite a third would do best to hire a seasoned professional. And this is not me feeling “very intimidated” by what you’re saying. It’s just that the extreme you’re presenting doesn’t match the reality of many of us in the poly community. You’ve rightly spoken out against bad statistical claims about sex workers. So if I see the same about people like me, shouldn’t I speak up about that?
I wonder if there is valid survey data on how people rate themselves sexually. I know the question has been asked in relation to general intellectual ability and a majority of people rank themselves as above average. Let that sink in for a moment. I’m guessing a VAST majority of people would rate themselves sexually above average. At least men would. I would be really curious to see how the genders differ on that question.