I’m a 24-year old woman who considers herself rather “sexually stunted”; though I’ve had a few partners, masturbating makes me more uncomfortable than turned on and when I actually do have sex I find myself constantly second-guessing how much I’m actually enjoying it, or whether I’m “doing it right” (even with masturbation!). I honestly doubt that I’ve ever had a orgasm. Though it sounds like your mindset was very different, any advice on how to start exploring my sexuality?
My mindset is not as different as you think; the main difference is that I’m almost a quarter-century older than you are. When I was your age (in 1990) there was no internet to tell me what my sexuality “should” be like; of course we had women’s magazines, but I decided that those were dumb while I was still in high school, so I was blissfully unaware of people who would almost certainly have told me that I was doing it wrong. Almost from the beginning of my sexual experience, I thought of sex more as something I did for other people than something I did for myself, a way to have adventures, to manipulate men, and to trade for favors or presents or money; I reckon you could say I was a born whore, however much prohibitionists may deny that’s possible. As a teenager I masturbated about twice a week, and even that seemed like too much to me; in my twenties it decreased to about once a month (and then only during celibate periods), and the last time I did it spontaneously (i.e. not as a show for a client) was just before I became a stripper in the late ‘90s. As I’ve explained before, I rarely feel what most people think of as “lust”, so though I’m quite responsive I just don’t feel the need to masturbate, and even by my late teens I was dreadfully bored with it. As I’m sure you can imagine, I didn’t always orgasm from it, and like you I often wondered if what I felt was “really” an orgasm at all because it was usually nothing like what my sex partners (male or female) seemed to be experiencing. That’s why I learned to fake well at a relatively tender age; for me, the chief enjoyment of sex has always been about pleasing my partner (whether for love or money) than pleasing myself, and had I believed in Robin Morgan’s asinine statement that “rape exists any time sexual intercourse occurs when it has not been initiated by the woman, out of her own genuine affection and desire,” I’d have probably given up on sex at 17.
Fortunately for my relationships, for my bank account and for many men, I think Morgan and those like her are idiots, and kept at it in spite of not really getting much physical pleasure out of it. And soon after my 17th birthday I discovered that my chief erogenous zone was between the ears rather than between the legs, and that the right situation – in my case, being held down or tied up – did a helluva lot more for me than any combination of kissing, licking, rubbing, twiddling or other purely physical techniques (I later discovered that getting paid had a similar, though less pronounced, effect). Nor am I alone; the majority of women are far more aroused by mental and emotional factors than by physical ones, and the right situation has a far greater effect on sex drive, satisfaction and even orgasmicity than any mechanical or biochemical stimulus.
What this is all leading up to is, you probably just haven’t found your “trigger” yet. Ignore those who tell you that there’s something “wrong” with you for being functionally anorgasmic, semi-anorgasmic or quasi-anorgasmic; I’ve been that way for long stretches of time, and it only ever bothered me was when I listened to people telling me what I was supposedly missing. Orgasm isn’t only about “doing it right”, sexual satisfaction isn’t only about orgasm, and nobody has the right to define the parameters of “good sex” for you, or to tell you why you “should” or “shouldn’t” have sex. My advice to you is, first, to stop doing anything that makes you uncomfortable; if masturbation is in that category, don’t do it (trust me, you won’t shrivel up into a prune without it). Next, try to stop analyzing your sexual experiences; as long as they’re pleasant or otherwise rewarding (emotionally, socially, etc) it doesn’t matter “how much” you enjoy them in comparison with other women or some imaginary gold standard. Once you’ve done those things, a lot of the pressure will evaporate from your mind and you can start paying attention to things like, “What turns me on the most?” or “What situations or activities make sex better for me?” Don’t limit this to personal activities; a lot of my early sexual feelings came from watching TV shows like Star Trek which contained situations that most others wouldn’t view as sexual, but which made me feel “funny”. Even today I sometimes have idiosyncratic sexual reactions to things I see or read, so this isn’t something limited to childhood or relative sexual inexperience. Whenever you run into something that makes you feel sexy, or a sexual activity that turns you on more than others, follow up on it; don’t be afraid to ask a boyfriend or girlfriend for help, either. And don’t be in a rush about it; though most people understand that (in general) women need to take their time to warm up during a sexual encounter, few recognize that this is usually true of a woman’s entire sex life. I’m sure you’ve heard the claim that a woman’s sex drive peaks at 35; that isn’t because of any physiological factors, but rather because it just takes the better part of two decades for most women to get really comfortable with their sexuality and to learn what works best for them as sexual individuals. So you shouldn’t consider yourself “stunted”; a lot of women don’t even start thinking about this stuff until their late twenties, so in comparison with them you’re actually ahead of the curve.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
As Maggie said, first find out what *mentally* stimulates you – which could be anything, from watching warm honey slowly drip to listening to the sound of waves crashing against rocks, or even yelling at a stupid waiter.
The things I find arousing would send most people running away screaming, but luckily for me I didn’t listen to “most people” and I’m stubborn that way. I like what I like.
Once you’ve zoomed in a bit closer to what you might like, try a little imagination/fantasy. Work out little scenes in your mind. In pictures, in words, in smells, it doesn’t matter. Sooner or later, something will click. Once that happens, play with it the way a kitten plays with a ball of string.
There is no “right” way to have sex.
Can you give an example? Cuz Star Trek was probably my favorite TV show and the only time I got any “feelings” was from watching the Orion Slave Girls. I have seriously considered finding an escort to paint herself green for me – but that would probably turn into mess and I’d be green too by the time it was done! LOL
Oh also – maybe this scene got me “just a little”.
Any and all bondagy stuff, mind control stuff, etc did it for me; a lot of it still does. That and Sherry Jackson.
I forgot about Sherry Jackson … she is the one woman I could LOVE for a lifetime!!
At this exact moment, Ive got one of Maggies “selfie tweets” on screen next to the actress above.
The objective resemblance (eyebrows, nasal symmetry, facial type, hairstyle, skin tone) is actually very very high.
We like people who look like us. It’s like a psychological preset. 😈
@Maggie: “I think Morgan and those like her are idiots . . . ”
You are really too kind. Anyone with views like that expressed by Robin Morgan and her ilk is beyond insult or exaggeration.
This may seem a little radical (though in the realm of sexuality, what really is too radical?), but if your correspondent’s primary issue is being overly fixated on pleasing her partner and wondering whether she is “doing it right,” I would suggest that she try some group sex. A threesome or foursome for starters, and whatever she grows to be comfortable with.
I say this since one-on-one sex tends to self-consciously focus one’s attention overly on the pleasure of just the other person, while having more than one partner simultaneously tends to diffuse one’s focus and allows one to enjoy the pleasure the others can give and also the multitudinous touch and feel and pleasure of contact from more than one person.
I say this as someone who, even though male, tended in my younger days to have the same issue the correspondent has, which is being so focused on the pleasure of my partner that I had little room for my own enjoyment. Once I discovered multiple sex and how it was able to diffuse my focus and liberate me from being overly centered on the pleasure of one other, it became my preferred sexual mode. But it also allowed me to stop worrying about pleasing a single partner, and so whether with one other partner or more than one, sex became far more pleasurable and less stressful for me, and I became — and believe I am — a far better sexual partner myself.
BTW, I’m a little like you, Maggie, in the sense of finding all sorts of triggers in seemingly unlikely places to stir a sexual reaction. When one stops fretting or trying to block these sorts of things and just enjoying them, things seem to flow a lot easier and allows one to derive more of the pleasure of being a fully sexual being.
There’s the possibility, too, that she just may be asexual – which is still something that get a lot of stigma and is denied by so many.
Agreed, MsLilithe.
Asexuality is still largely unfamiliar, misunderstood, and has yet to be the focus of thorough scientific research. As was the case for homosexuality, some deny asexuality exists as a human biological “wiring” variation, and insist it is always a psychological issue involving choice rather than an innate characteristic.
Asexuality is not a synonym for abstinence, celibacy, chastity, autosexuality, nor even hypolibidinism (the consistent absence or near-absence of spontaneous urge/desire/hunger/physical need for sex/orgasm). Asexuality is an orientation: a heterosexual feels sexual attraction to the opoosite gender, bisexual to both genders, homosexual to same gneder, asexual to NO gender.
The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) defines Asexuality this way: “An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction.”
Note that the key word is ATTRACTION, as distinct from URGE (which we as guys might describe as that “need to get off” which can develop within us independent and regardless of external stimuli.) Asexuality isn’t about lacking a sexuality, but rather, about never feeling sexual attraction to any other people for one’s entire life.
Asexuals apparently exist in shades and hues, same as heterosexuals, homosexuals, and bisexuals. One subset encompasses what the Asexual community terms “gray” sexuals and “demi-sexuals”, people who experience sexual attraction (for another person) only at rare times and within certain relational circumstances and contexts.
Think it important to add that asexuals are typically not at all sex-aversive.
Because asexuality is popularly unknown; and because many if not most asexuals need and want an emotional relationship with another person; people have become partners and even spouses before realizing that “something is very different about me sexually” and discovering they are asexual.
Asexuals in such situations are typically willing to have sex with their partner or spouse, but solely for their partner’s sake, not due to feeling sexual desire for their partner.
Let me throw some pennies in the pot.
I know not only one woman (as in over 25) who lost her virginity by choice in sex work, but two. Neither actively “sold her virginity”.
One was in her 30s and working as a cleaner/general dogsbody in a brothel and decided, after several months, that she would rather sell sex FOR HER making better money for different work was worth losing her virginity for as nothing else had been up to that point.
The other was in her late 20s and decided she’d had her virginity too long and, in the absence of someone she desired or relationships she wanted to lose her virginity in she felt more it was more self respectful to be paid rather than to be used in a casual sexual situation.
I would never make their choices, I was not comfortable with them, but they were both intelligent and opinionated adults and, however long I discussed it with them I could not spot a hole in their reasoning.
I guess they just knew more about what was best for them than I did? Nothing unusual in that.
I can relate to much above, albeit from a perspective of need rather than open choice. I did get to the age of 35 without really experiencing sex as something I desired in it’s own right or that I did for me.
It was always either an itch that needed scratching asap to get my head straight (when my hormones were still young enough to go on the boil), or the coin I could use to buy something else I did want or need like survival, money or acceptance and an illusion of affection. Given all the odds that were stacked against me (insert your favourite “misery memoir” here then double it) my motives and reaction were as healthy as they could be expected to be…but a lust for sex with a particular person, in and of itself, is still noticeably absent…and guess what?
Since I left sex work over 20 years ago I have been consistently pretty much celibate…not trauma, not aversion…somewhere along the way I learned exactly what *I* want from sex and the emotional context in which *I* would find sex with a specific person desirable and fulfilling, the opportunity hasn’t arisen and without that I would, honestly, rather read my library book…that is who I am, that is how I feel, and that is who I am entitled to be.
I was also fully entitled to make the common sense decision to parlay my largely redundant sexuality for the means of survival and a decent livelihood.
I hate people telling me how I may and may not “spend” my sexuality without regard to my needs, limits or nature. It is none of their business. :o)
I have no advice for the woman who sent Maggie this question, but I am paying attention to the advice Maggie and others have offered.
And thanks, Krulak, for the Star Trek clip. It lead me to Nichelle Nichols interviews I’d never seen.
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