I don’t have pet peeves, I have whole kennels of irritation. – Whoopi Goldberg
One of the things that makes individuals individual is that each has his own dislikes, and sometimes a behavior one person may find wonderful, useful or even polite may annoy another to no end. Indeed, when one considers that we go through life trapped in these biological vehicles with only the woefully inadequate tool called “language” to communicate our thoughts to one another, it’s a wonder we aren’t all constantly at each others’ throats. Today I’m going to talk about some of my sexual pet peeves; these aren’t aversions to particular sex acts as discussed in my column of August 16th, but rather things people do or say about sex that really get on my nerves. I apologize in advance for the rather unladylike language I’m going to use today; when I think about these things “my goodness” just doesn’t cut it.
Yanking the Pillow Out: So there I am on my back, either just penetrated or about to be penetrated, and the man reaches behind my head and yanks my pillow out. What the fuck, over? Why do a good 20% of men see nothing wrong with this? Do they yank chairs out from under their dinner companions at restaurants as well? Does it not occur to them that the reason I put the pillow there is because I FUCKING WANTED IT THERE? As it so happens I suffer from vertigo, and lying absolutely flat on my back starts to make me feel dizzy within a few minutes (less than that if I’m being shaken back and forth); a pillow corrects that problem. But even if I didn’t have that neurological issue, if in fact I just had the pillow there because I happen to like pillows, what gives him the right to yank it out without even asking permission? My husband says they did it so I would lie flat, but this is a bullshit answer on two levels: 1) my hips and lower back are at the same angle whether the pillow is there or not; and 2) what makes him think it’s OK to force me to lie flat without my permission? Because they absolutely never asked; they did it as nonchalantly as one would take a dropped item away from a cat. Whenever a man who was otherwise nice did this I explained about the vertigo, but if he was already being a dick before that I just as nonchalantly took the pillow out of his hand and put it back where it was.
Hitler Moustaches: When I was a lass we only trimmed our pubes during bikini season, and the guys were perfectly happy with that; all the nude models I saw had nice little neatly-trimmed patches as well. But sometime in the ‘80s a shaving fetish became popular; my boyfriends’ men’s magazines devoted space to it every once in a while, and I am told some porno movies even had shaving scenes. A guy once asked if I would shave my twat for him and I refused on the grounds that everyone else seemed to like it as it was. But as time went by the shaved look became more and more popular, and by the time I started stripping in 1997 lots of girls were as bare between the legs as they were in kindergarten. Well and fine for them; if they want to put up with chronic itching and yet another several-times-weekly hygiene chore it’s their getout and not mine. I was never that hairy there anyhow, so I simply had electrolysis to remove the stuff that would’ve protruded from a thong and had done with it. But other girls, apparently unable to decide between trimmed and shaved bare, opted for what they were pleased to call a “landing strip”, a narrow rectangle running up the middle of the natural hair zone. What is the damned point? Disregarding for a moment the uncomfortably phallic connotations of such a shape pointing upward from a woman’s crotch, what purpose is this Hitler moustache supposed to serve? It doesn’t cover anything and it sure isn’t attractive; it’s the personal hygiene equivalent of a peg heel. Please, honey, make up your damned mind; either shave your kitty or don’t.
The Misuse of the Word “Vagina”: The vagina is that portion of the female genital organs which forms a muscular canal into which the penis fits during intercourse. The term applies ONLY to this passage, which leads from outside a woman’s body to the cervix (which is the entrance to the uterus); it does NOT apply to any other part of the female genitalia, internal or external. The external genitalia (labia and clitoris) are collectively referred to as the vulva. But I have noticed an increasing tendency among adult men (who should know better) and even some adult women (who absolutely should know better) to refer to the vulva as a “vagina”; this is the exact equivalent of referring to the mouth as an “esophagus”. Most common words such as “pussy” or “cunt” can refer to any part of the female genitalia other than the womb, but “vagina” is a medical term rather than a colloquial one and as such has a specific meaning. I really hated it when clients trying to be polite said something like, “You have a beautiful vagina”; of course they meant, “You have a beautiful pudendum”, but I had to smile and thank them when what I actually wanted to say was, “Unless you have an arthroscope down there you don’t know what my vagina looks like, and neither do I; only my gynecologist has ever seen it, and she doesn’t seem overly impressed with its cosmetic appearance.”
As if this misuse isn’t bad enough, I have also noticed the rise in popularity (since Oprah Winfrey adopted it) of the childish-sounding term “vajayjay”, obviously derived from “vagina” but usually used to mean “vulva”. If you want a colloquial term for the “lady parts” there are already plenty of them without having to use a baby-talk version of the wrong damned word. “Vajayjay”? How old are you, ten? Suffering Sappho, but I hate that term; I swear if any of my readers ever uses it in a reply I will edit it and replace it with the nice, cute, venerable, honest term “pussy”.
Vulgarity: No, I don’t meant honest discussion of sex; that is not vulgar. Nor is the use of one-syllable Anglo-Saxon words such as shit, fuck, cunt, cock, etc which were in normal usage until the Norman overlords of England turned their noses up at them due to their peasant origins. No, when I speak of vulgarity I mean leering, childish, dirty-sounding “euphemisms” for sexual acts and body parts which are actually much more offensive than just using the four-letter words. Even worse are juvenile masculine attempts at “humor” derived from describing sexual terms in the most disgusting way possible. As regular readers know I’m the farthest thing in the world from a prude, but this kind of filthy talk makes me want to slap the speaker and then wash his mouth out with soap.
The Term “Homophobia”: A phobia is a psychological aberration characterized by a morbid, irrational fear of something. Many people have a strong respect for thunderstorms which borders on actual fear, but keraunophobia is a pathological, debilitating dread of thunderstorms which is out of proportion to any actual danger they might pose. The name for a phobia is formed by the Greek name for a thing attached to the suffix –phobia (fear); thus, ailuros (cat) + phobia = ailurophobia, fear of cats; paedos (child) + phobia = paedophobia (fear of babies and young children), and homos (same) + phobia = homophobia (fear of monotony or sameness). What’s that you say? “Homophobia” doesn’t mean a fear of monotony? Au contraire, mes amis; that is precisely what it means. Queer activists have take a word with a specific, established psychological definition and used it to mean something it does not mean. Even their method of formation is totally wrong; one simply can’t break a Greek prefix off of a word and use it to stand for the whole word. If one could, “homophobia” could also be used to mean “fear of homophones” or “fear of homogenized milk.” But it doesn’t. “Acrophobia” does not mean “fear of acronyms”, “androphoia” does not mean “fear of androids”, “gymnophobia” does not mean “fear of gymnasiums” and “homophobia” does not mean “fear of homosexuals”.
There is a proper term for this phobia, but I can’t remember it and it’s essentially impossible to find on the internet with Google’s non-Boolean search engine (if any psychological professional could look it up in a textbook I’d be grateful). But even if that proper term were used, what queer activists term a “phobia” actually isn’t. Mere dislike or discomfort does not a phobia make; I can’t stand spinach but I’m not terrified of it! Nor does hatred always derive from fear, no matter what the pop psychologists tell you; fear is only one of several possible reasons for hatred. We don’t call misogyny “gynophobia”; they’re different psychological states. I’m sure that many people who dislike homosexuals do indeed fear them, but others simply dislike them, lack respect for them, disapprove of their behavior or even find them disgusting. And many others disagree with their political agenda without feeling any particular animosity toward them whatsoever. Yet, all of these people are routinely labeled “homophobic”, which probably 90% or more of them are not. I think queer activists do this for two reasons: 1) Pretending their political opponents suffer from a “phobia” is the same as saying they’re mentally ill; and 2) Pretending their opponents are “afraid” of them is a way for them to build up their fragile male egos. A man whose enemies fear him has power over them; one whose enemies look down on him as unmasculine does not. So they of course pretend the former, when the truth is probably more often the latter.
“I really hated it when clients trying to be polite said something like, ‘You have a beautiful vagina’; of course they meant, ‘You have a beautiful pudendum.'”
Haha, I cannot imagine anyone telling me I have a beautiful pudendum, but then again, my knowledge of the female repoductive system is severely lacking.
And yes, I have always wondered what is the point of “Hitler moustaches.” Whenever I hear the term landing strip in reference to a woman’s pubic area, I always imagine a tiny plane landing on her pussy.
FYI, I decided to risk it and make my blog public again, so you are free to visit 🙂
It definitely isn’t the prettiest of words, is it? Unfortunately, “vulva” sounds like a Swedish car and otherwise there’s just nicknames.
LOL! 😀
One of my biggest pet peeves is the term “pet peeve.” 😉
😀
Welcome back! Where have you been lately?
“One of my biggest pet peeves is the term “pet peeve.” ”
Valid point. you don’t take them our for walks; you haul them out for RANTS. 😉
Between business, the family, and therapy for my knee, I’ve been REALLY busy lately. Most of my online time has been devoted to checking e-mails. I have read your blog entries when I’ve had the chance, but I usually haven’t had time to comment.
Busy at business is definitely a good thing. 🙂
I’ll defend my landing strip because to completely wax the hair right on top of and behind my clit (internally-speaking, of course), is far more pain than I really want to experience every 3 weeks. Gave it a go and decided after a couple months it would never work. So I have a landing strip because I’m a baby. Every other hair is waxed though.
Just letting you know it might not have anything to do with aesthetics or a lack of deciding what looks best. (Though I also do feel a little more “adult” with a bit of carefully-groomed hair.)
XX
Ah, thank you, Amanda! 13 years to the week after the first time I saw one, someone finally gives me a reasonable explanation for it! 🙂
I always preferred electrolysis to waxing because I’m very Scottish (which is just a nice way of saying “cheap”) and I liked knowing that the hair removal was permanent. After my eyebrows and bikini line, I even got what little I had under my arms removed.
I think I’ve misused the word “vagina” myself,(*) maybe even in my writing. I can explain it away by suggesting that the character doesn’t know any better. That and my not wanting to re-write.
I was out of town for the weekend, and so didn’t get to make a comment I was planing on making in reply to “He or She?” Your segment here on homophobia reminded me of it. I’ll go do that now.
(*) Not to be confused with misusing a vagina, which is another thing altogether.
Ooh, good dodge! 😀
Heh… I’ve used that one myself.
(After a wave of flames from academics pointing out to me that a character in my story suffered from “Disassociative Identity Disorder” (or D.I.D.) and not “Schizophrenia.” No psychological experts among the cast of late-teens. I can get away with letting them make the same mistake Hollywood does all the time. :P)
I let somebody read a scene from Tomboy.* He praised me for not calling the little girl’s split personality schizophrenia, so I wrote another scene that explains the difference. It ended with both girls laughing, because of things like,
“Suppose I met a sweet, feminine little girl who thought she was a fierce vigilante.”
Laughter.
“Then, if she told me the mob was after her…”
More laughter, and the little girl adds,
“Then if she told you ghosts talked to her…”
and they both crack up. The joke, of course, is that little twelve-year-old ultra-feminine Janie is a fierce vigilante, and the mob is indeed after her, and ghosts do talk to her.
* Tomboy is based on a very short-run comic book from the 1950s which is now in the public domain. The ghost thing is my own invention. I figured there had to be some reason a little girl could beat up multiple adult male street thugs, other than sheer bad-assery.
🙂
I did have laser done on my underarms (worked very well) and bikini line — I got burned and decided to just put up with waxing.
For whatever reason, the laser did NOTHING to my upper lip. Maybe I should go the old-fashioned route of electrolysis.
XX
PS: I’m lazy, so prefer waxing over shaving. One of the few indulgences I will always pay for.
I heartily recommend electrolysis; it’s still the only method that’s guaranteed to be permanent. I thought about laser until I realized that every ad said something like “GUARANTEED HAIR FREE!!!!!*” with that little asterisk leading to a tiny disclaimer way down at the bottom of the ad: “*for the rest of the summer.” For what it costs, that is not good enough for a thrifty gal like me! But electrolysis never failed me, and everything that was removed a decade ago has never shown the least sign of return. 🙂
I’ve already encountered most of these pet peeves in the future articles I’ve already read, but it’s good to finally read about them in detail.
I’ve never seen it, but I suspect you do have a beautiful pudendum.
One of my pet peeves is seeing ‘fuck’ listed as an Anglo-Saxon word. Most sources I’ve read say it’s a Dutch word that entered English in the late Middle Ages. But I believe there is some disagreement among etymologists, so I won’t fight you over it.
That pillow-yanking thing still sounds like a horrible thing to do. I can’t believe anyone who is not a sadist would think that would be a good thing to do.
I don’t understand the obsession with shaving. What’s wrong with hair? I don’t understand why nearly every girl in this country thinks she has to shave her armpits. That hair can be really great for tickling. (It’s not as intense as actually pressing fingers into the skin. If you’re as ticklish as I am, you really need a gentler form of tickling in order to enjoy it at all.)
I haven’t shaved since the ’80s. I never liked it. But my skin is very soft and tender (possibly because of my Addison’s disease), and shaving really irritated my face.
Nope, “fuck” came to England with the language; it’s nearly the same in every Germanic tongue. The idea that it would be a late borrowing from another closely-related Germanic language is absurd. I wish that linguistic historian, Asehpe, still visited; he could explain it to you.
But thank you for the compliment on my pudendum. 😉
I believe My Lady is looking for the clinical term “homoerotophobia” to describe those who fear or loathe homosexuals.
Ah, now that sounds right! Thank you, Mark!
Hoo boy. Lot to cover. I liked the comment about taking your pet peeves out for rants. 🙂
>>Nor is the use of one-syllable Anglo-Saxon words such as shit, fuck, cunt, cock, etc which were in normal usage until the Norman overlords of England turned their noses up at them due to their peasant origins.<<
My kids laugh when I give them this mini-lecture, usually after they've chided me about something I've said after hitting my thumb with a hammer, and I point out to them that "manure" is fine in polite company, so why should good old honest Anglo-Saxon "shit" be any different? Now they just laugh when Dad accuses them of being hoity-toity Normans and rolls out his shtick about the "Anglo-Saxon monosyllables." My wife rolls her eyes.
Thanks for not only the etymology, but also the parsing of the political agenda of the word "homophobia." For nearly 30 years, ever since having it spit at me in college, I've been stubbornly insisting that refusing to swallow, hook, line, and sinker, every part of the modern gay rights agenda does not mean that I fear homosexuals or homosexuality. I might have a touch of Asperger's.
I'll ask the wife if she likes the pillow there or not. Sometimes it improves the angle to have it missing.
Whether the word "fuck" is Dutch or Anglo-Saxon is, for the benefit of Ornithorynchus and as you rightly pointed out, probably irrelevant. It's an ancient Germanic word and it's hard to imagine it failing to make it over the Channel and into English right from the start, with the earliest Saxons. Especially since it was actually their word, and not a crude slang word not to be used in polite company – THAT came later. It drives me nuts every time I read one of those cute little "facts you never knew" lists that include things like "fuck" being an acronym for "Fornication Under Consent of the King."
One WWII POW's account of his capture in Germany included an overnight in a German military brig, where he found the following graffito:
"Halbe stunde ficken, drei tage Dicken"
. . . by which he deduced that "Dicken" was slang for a stint in the brig, since, as he put it, "ficken" was "very close to its Anglo-Saxon equivalent." Apparently the soldier had returned late from one of the local brothels. 🙂
Google Translate gives me “Half hour fuck, three days thicknesses” for “Halbe stunde ficken, drei tage Dicken.”
However, when I ran “Half hour fuck, three days thicknesses” back through it as English-to-German, I got “Halbe Stunde fuck, Dicken 3 Tage.” Then when I ran THAT back through as German-to-English, I got “Half hour fuck, thicknesses days 3.”
So I guess that means the German slang for a day in the brig was “thickness.”
Quite possibly; I don’t know German. Calnan (T.D. Calnan, _Free As A Running Fox_, a great POW memoir) noticed that the wall of his cell was covered with graffiti noting dates and “Dicken” – as he put it, he was starting to think this Dicken was the Beetle Bailey of the Wehrmacht. Then the above doggerel clarified if for him. I don’t think he ever verified it with his captors; he probably had other things on his mind. 🙂
There’s a school of thought that gives two meanings to ‘homosexual’: the homo may refer to the greek ‘same’ or the latin ‘male’. The latin is pronounced as in ‘home’, the greek as ‘hom’.
Folk etymology, at best. The original meaning is pretty clear.
But that doesn’t clarify things. The latin based terminology can simply mean sexual attraction to males, effectively stating that all straight women are homosexuals, ie attracted to men. Then all straight men & lesbians would end up being classified as ‘femisexuals’ or ‘mulisexuals.’
To add, the Latin ‘sexes’ means the same thing that the English one does: the male & female sexes. So, as hominus/homo means man & sexes means gender, all biological males are homosexual 😛
Having only recently discovered you, and thus now making my way though your backpages, I am amused to come upon your description of the misuse of the word “vagina” after having just yesterday read a review in the NY Times of Naomi Wolf’s new book ‘Vagina: A New Biography,’ in which the author taken to task for her willful misuse of the word (amongst many other things–the reviewer was clearly non-plussed by the bool to say the least). Too funny!
So, the whole fuss over “The Vagina Monologues” ? Should it be “The Cootchie Snortcher Monologues”?