And oftentimes excusing of a fault
Doth make the fault the worser by th’ excuse. – William Shakespeare, King John (IV, ii)
I often write about the way in which dogma, whether religious or political, is like a distorting lens which warps the viewpoints of those who look through it so they are unable to see anything behind the lens clearly. Cops and prosecutors, for instance, view the entire world through their twisted “cops and robbers” lens and thereby see innocuous or rude-but-harmless behaviors as “crimes” and minor transgressions as excuses for destroying people’s lives. Prudes see anything involving the human body (including nursing, massage or waste elimination) as “sexual” and everything sexual as “sinful”, “harmful” or “objectifying”. Radical feminists and neofeminists see all male behavior as pathological and all heterosexual behavior as inherently exploitative. “Trafficking” fanatics see any migration by women or brown people and all sex work (even the casual sort) as evidence of an international conspiracy.
These people are lost souls; there’s nothing that can be done about them unless they experience some severe trauma which causes the scales to fall from their eyes so they can once again see the world clearly. Fortunately, these completely deluded types are small minorities; unfortunately they are influential minorities so their sick views are transmitted like a contagion to the population at large: the result is dangerous nonsense like the “War on Drugs” and anti-sex campaigns. The worst result of this is that real problems are often hidden by rhetoric, so millions of dollars and man-hours which might have solved or at least helped that problem are thrown at a scarecrow instead. Or, information which could help people to understand a social issue is denied, shouted down or ignored because it contradicts the official catechism.
Take rape, for example; I’ve already written about the damage caused by the dogma that rape is a crime of “violence, power and control” which has nothing to do with sex. Women who understand that rape is a natural outgrowth of male sexuality (which occurs in many, many nonhuman species) are far better equipped to avoid it or defuse it than those who believe it’s something only scary guys hiding in parking garages do, which is one of the reasons that viewpoint has been replaced over the past 20 years by the equally stupid and equally dangerous “rape culture” myth, which teaches that society “encourages” men to rape and “conditions” women to accept it.
Take a look at this post on Captain Awkward, and this long narrative comment in the discussion thread after it. All three of the reported cases involve men we might call (to use the blogger’s excellent term) “proto-rapists”, guys who are so sexually frustrated and so morally stunted that they constantly make attractive women feel very uncomfortable and appear to be looking for opportunities to commit rape (two of the three tried to get women alone in dark places but were foiled). Some of the blogger’s commentary on the issue, as well as some of the comments in the thread, are right on the mark.
But unfortunately, practically everyone involved in the discussion believes in the “rape culture” myth and is therefore unable to grasp the real root cause of the problem at hand, which is men (and even some women) downplaying and excusing the creepy, threatening behavior. They go on and on about “rape culture” and thereby miss what should be glaringly obvious: Rape is not the only thoroughly nasty behavior people excuse in this way. When people ignore and excuse the sadistic and even murderous behavior of cops, is it because of “police culture”? When they ignore and excuse the corruption, blatant lies and naked power-hunger of politicians, is it because of “political culture”? When they seem unable to recognize that their kids are little monsters, or refuse to say anything about the misbehavior of others’ kids, is that the work of “brat culture”? I’m sure you can think of plenty of other examples, none of which need tailor-made feminist constructs to explain them. The reason people excuse bad behavior in members of the us-group is good old tribalism again: bad things are done by “them”, the “bad people”, members of the out-group. Cops don’t torture and murder people; criminals do that. Children aren’t molested by their relatives; child predators do that. Our duly-elected leaders don’t abuse their trust; members of The Evil Party chosen by the idiots in purple states do that. Our country isn’t a police state; only other countries are.
Furthermore, the cause of this selective blindness isn’t cultural, but neurological; it derives from the instinctive script we all run, a basic program dating back to the time when we would’ve been classified as an endangered species by modern standards and therefore had to overlook the shortcomings of every productive member of the community while ostracizing and eliminating everyone who was perceived as presenting a danger to the group at large. We developed the psychological ability to make excuses for the good hunters, water-finders and berry-pickers because without them the whole tribe might perish, and though no individual is that important any more we are all still running that program in our heads and some misfits are very good at exploiting it. Conversely, it’s extremely rare that an unusual individual is so dangerous as to endanger the entire community…yet we still act as though every non-conformity is an imminent threat. People want to believe that any behavior they dislike, from homosexuality to whorishness to sadism to sex roles to rape, is either wholly voluntary or the result of “socialization”, but that’s utter nonsense; all of these behaviors are observed in other animals, begin to manifest at a young age and can be better explained by evolution and neurology than by ludicrous tabula rasa notions. Why they prefer to believe that people are programmed by “society” or “the Patriarchy” than to acknowledge we are programmed by Nature I cannot say; perhaps they fear that instinct is harder to overcome than learning and therefore choose to deny the terrifying reality, or maybe they prefer to blame a human agency they can complain about rather than superhuman forces which neither know nor care that they exist. But these beliefs, comforting though they may be to social constructionists, are ultimately counterproductive because, as I said in the second paragraph, they divert precious mental and emotional resources which could be used to deal with the real issue into a campaign against an opponent that does not actually exist.
Folks, there are few American women who _can_ boast about their ability at fellatio. There are very few American women who _do_ boast about their ability at fellatio. There is only a microscopic minority of American women who boast about their cocksucking skills, who also quote Shakespeare and know about the etchings of MC Escher. God, Maggie, I wish you had a sister!
I have three sisters, but they’re all married and only one of them is much like me in personality. But oh, dear, I certainly never meant to boast about my skill at fellatio! More just list it as something I’m considered rather good at, like cooking.
Most of the women I’ve met who go on about “rape culture” are also, at their core, some of the most frightened women I’ve met.
I’ve been through a bit in my life, and survived, I’m adaptable, and capable. I can do many things, and learn more when I need to. I can walk in the dark and not feel afraid. Woe be to the guy who tries to rape me. He’d best bring an army. (Well, then it might get interesting!)
I don’t fear rapists behind every bush because I feel capable of taking care of myself in this world. And that’s not something so many of us women are taught, growing up.
Too many of us are so sheltered, so much the “little princess”. But the world can be a harsh place, and one has to be prepared for it, and these women aren’t.
I’ve no problem with men because I’m not afraid of them.
As for the creepy guys, well, lots of men are shy about approaching women. They dread rejection, or looking foolish. I can’t blame them. So they hover around, make jokes to hide their desire, and their need is so obvious. As for the group in the advice column, some woman just needs to step up, give the “creepy guy” a tumble, and relax him a bit. His behaviour will change. (Of course, he may then follow her like a puppy, that’s another problem.)
I wish we’d stop teaching young women that sex is such a precious thing, and to be afraid of men.
Disappointed to see you don’t have a blog, yourself, Comixchick!
I’m not the talented writer that Maggie is, I’ll leave the blogging to her. I’ve never done it. I am hoping by early next year to have my comics back on line, and they do deal with sex work. Just keep reading Maggie.
Please, please, PLEASE let me know when your comics are back so I can link them!
I’ve also noticed that very few of the women who go on about “rape culture” have actually ever been raped, and for those who have it was nearly always one of those “drunken tumble” type rapes rather than aggravated rape. Yes, I understand about Driskill Mountain, but I also note that most women who have experienced the really scary stuff don’t talk much about it and certainly don’t obsess about it.
I just read your Driskill Mountain piece and I think that there is something else at play as well. I have a serious auto immune disorder but I look at the chronic diseases other people have and say, “Geez, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that!”
Sometimes it is a case of “better the devil you know.”
Oh, absolutely. One of the reasons I’m reluctant to discuss some problems I’ve had (such as rape or stillbirth) is that others make an embarrassingly big fuss over something that to me was just a bad thing that happened but is now in the past.
I just don’t see rape culture as an American thing. Rape is portrayed in mainstream culture as despicable. I’ve never seen a sympathetic rapist portrayed anywhere, and I’ve seen TV shows where the protagonist who we are supposed to root for is a serial murderer who feels a “high” from gruesomely murdering victims (including his own ex-girlfriend).
When I read neofeminists ranting about “rape culture,” they are usually dragging out the usual suspects of heteronormative behavior. “Male gaze” “Sexual Objectification” “Sexiness” etc, all the stuff they always hate.
Occasionally, they’ll find a truly hate filled forum troll or even public figure (Mel Gibson, for instance) to cite. But these guys don’t represent “culture” anymore than the ravings of a schizophrenic in a lunatic asylum does.
I mean sure, Frank Booth in Blue Velvet was a rapist, and Ebert couldn’t handle that movie. But Frank Booth is clearly intended as an evil monster with no redeeming qualities, as is Alex in a Clockwork Orange. Indeed, as a cheap way to show a character is about as horrible as he can be, when murder by itself isn’t enough, they’ll make the character a rapist as well. (Like the Scorpio killer in the original Dirty Harry, for instance.)
Emotional equivalencies infect arguments where logic is optional or even frowned upon. Another example is women ranting about the “culture of sexism”, not because they are denied a job or legally discriminated against, but because they don’t get enough attention from men because they are ugly/old/fat (even though they probably get twice the attention that an equivalent man gets; but if they can’t have the 1 million:1 ratio of a fashion model they want a law passed to make attractive models illegal).
Frightened about everything? Or just frightened about sex? It seems ( by my observation ) to be the latter mostly.
I’d say yes to all of the above, but especially to the latter. Maggie and I talked about this a little bit on Twitter regarding a woman getting her knickers in a twist (and some serious pearl clutching on the part of the advise columnist) about hubby visiting a gentlemen’s club even though he didn’t partake in the activities. Long story short, I said that people who have a discomfort about sex have a discomfort or dislike of being human. They are truly disgusted at the fact that being human means that things aren’t always nice and pretty and clean and appropriate.
Nature and her children aren’t always the Shiny Happy People that the tree-hugging type think they are; Nature is, quite often, a bitch in every negative aspect of the term. But I love bitches, so I accept that side of her as well. Like comixchik said, people like this were horribly sheltered as children, to the point where I’d probably call it abuse; their parents didn’t prepare them for the world in its totality, just the part of the world they thought their child will always dwell. As adults, there’s no womb to run back to so they force the rest of us to ease their pain in the recognition of reality.
I did note, reading down, that the first guy (no sex for 2-3 years) “found himself a #1 lady and totally changed”.
*pause for effect* He got laid, and got nicer….Shocker. Only not for the testicle owning half of the audience.
Is it so difficult to comprehend that frustrated male sexual drive turns, ultimately, rapist?
Nature has to *guarantee* a compulsive biological breeding instinct, to break any cross gender deadlock and keep the species going, in the face of any barriers, including utter reluctance by both parties. Male frustration is the tiebreaker.
Yes, it’s a shitty trick in a modernist society, but nature and instinct don’t give a rat’s ass.
And the warier women are? The more rapey the frustration gets. That’s the nature plan, by definition.
This is why our tribal ancestors *needed* the “instinctive prostitutes” in the mix; they defused that level of uncontrollable lust by matching it with their own (increased compared to the average) libidos. Also, incidentally, testosterone powered, just not at male levels.
Thankyou, Ladies, you save us from going fucking insane. 😘
Of course the one elephant in the room that’s never often mentioned is that creepy guy hasn’t gotten laid in a while. Still doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but there is that harm reduction principle that society constantly ignores because we’re somehow “better” or able to transcend the flesh. That and sex is seen as the result of a great, healthy life, rather than one of the ingredients.
But then, I would say that, because I haven’t gotten laid in a while! 😛
TheDudesAreEmerging wrote: “That and sex is seen as the result of a great, healthy life, rather than one of the ingredients.”
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I’d like to use another analogy. Many people argue that sexual pleasure is like sugar (fructose)—delicious to eat, but best consumed only sparingly and it’s not something you need to eat to live, when in truth it is one of the essential vitamins. Although it is possible to live without it for many years, those who do are often physically and psychologically stunted.
Yep. Heck, following the premise of the “not-needed-by-an-individual-to-sustain-physical-life” argument, it could likewise be argued that, since, after all, social interaction is also “not something you need to live”, then a lifetime alone on a desert island would not cause any woman to be less than healthy and happy,
The dismissive “you-can-live-without-sex” argument minimizes if not ignores that humans are wired for more than the obvious physical needs of food, water, and oxygen. Our biology also wires us with psychological, social, and emotional needs, of which sexuality is a part, which are integral to our overall well-being. Inadequate satisfaction of these other needs can affect a person as adversely as inadequate food, water, and air can.
Oppppsss…omitted some words in an edit. Should read, “…then a lifetime alone on a well-provisioned but deserted island would not cause any woman to be less than healthy and happy.”
I’ve run into the “you can live without it” thing before. I answered with, “you can live without music, too.” She shut up; she’s a bigger music junkie than I am.
First time here at your blog Maggie. Have to say its a rather engrossing read. I just spent the last four hours rifling through your index of articles, very refreshing to say the least especially in stark contrast to what information they are proffering at university.
Odd question though, I don’t come from the US, so what does the term Purple State mean?
It’s my own coinage. During presidential elections, television networks use the colors red and blue to denote which states have supported which candidate. It used to be that most of them used blue for states which had supported the incumbent, and red for states which supported his opponent. But for some inexplicable reason (the internet, perhaps?) the colors became “fixed” in place during the 2000 election, when the incumbent party was the Democrats and the challenging party the Republicans. Soon thereafter, we started hearing media figures using the term “red state” to mean those which generally support Republican candidates and “blue state” to mean those which tend to support Democrats, despite the fact that red is the color traditionally identified with the political left and blue the one identified with conservatives.
However, American political parties aren’t like those in Europe; for one thing the system is fixed so that only the two largest can ever get in power, and for another thing they are almost indistinguishable from one another. So, the people who truly believe that the parties are different are really deluding themselves, and I simply used the term “purple state” (because purple is a combination of red and blue) to imply that.
I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog! 🙂
Actually, “purple state” has been in use since at least 2004 as a synonym for “swing state.”
A swing state is a state which doesn’t have a large enough Republican majority to make it not worth the effort (and money) for Democrats to try to win it, but not a big enough Democratic majority to make it not worth the effort (and money) for the Republicans to try and win it. The state could “swing either way” because it’s a “mix of red and blue.” In other words, a purple state. “Swing state” is still much more commonly used.
The Republicans won’t put a lot of effort trying to win Texas (where I live), because Texas is a very red state and they know they’ve got it already. The Democrats won’t put ANY effort into trying to win Texas because really, what’s the point? The Republicans already have it.
So, in a very real sense, it really is “the idiots in purple states” who select America’s presidents (but only some of the senators and representatives), because that’s where the election turns. Neither party spends money trying to change my mind, because I don’t live in a purple swing state.
Great post, Maggie.
I would put it a little differently. We evolved as herd animals and that is basically what we are. This has two major impacts. One is that our values and beliefs come to be that of the herd. So, for example, if you spend enough time with a bunch of wackos in San Diego who all think there is a spaceship following a comet and all they need to do to catch a ride is kill themselves, pretty soon you will probably be there too.
The other impact is that we know we have to keep the herd big because a big herd means safety. So we tend to look for excuses not to kick folks out of the herd unless we really need to.
I don’t know, maybe we are saying the same thing.
Hello, Maggie! I’ve stumbled onto your blog and love it!
Quick question—have you read A Natural History of Rape by Randy Thonhill and Craig T. Palmer, and if so, what do you think of it? (I’ve heard of this book, but haven’t read it.)
I hadn’t heard of it until just now, but it sounds quite interesting; thanks for the tip (and the compliment!) 😉
Another book which I have read and recommend is Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. That book convincingly argues that man is not naturally monogamous, and uses an impressive array of evidence to prove it.
Also, while Dr. Ryan is not offically a “friend of whores”, I think he would be more than happy to join the club. Here is an article he wrote on his blog for Psychology Today:
Missing the Point on Prostitution
Yes, I linked that one in TW3 when it first appeared (scroll down to “Mother’s Day”).
Yes, there are so many ways to reduce the chance of getting raped. It’s not foolproof but anything bad one wants to avoid does not have foolproof methods to avoid such thing but only harm reduction techniques. Some things to consider. Don’t be a tease or even dress in a sexually provacative way especially in the wrong areas, wrong situations or around the wrong people. Don’t become intoxicated. Don’t put yourself in dangerous areas or dangerous situations or with dangerous people. If you find yourself in dangerous areas, dangerous situations and dangerous people, then extricate yourself from them as quickly as possible. Remember that there are people who are more dangerous than you. Never forget that there is always the predator and prey relationship so try not to be the prey. However, live your life with much joy and a little fear but with prudence not unecessary fear and lots of fear. Remember that men are more built for violence than women and a typical man can take out 2 to 4 typical women his own age at once in very short order if he wanted to do so. However, almost all men like to please women and will go to great efforts to please women just for women to voluntarily provide sex for such said men. Comixchik wrote a beautiful and true post on 29 August 2012 at 7:10 a.m. especially at the bottom with the last 3 paragraphs beginining with ” I have no problem with men because I’m not afraid of them.”. What I have said above is not the end all be all, but it’s I hope a realistic start for women to have more positive interactions with men and less negative one.
I forgot if you are interested in a man, be honest and take him and if you are not interested be firm, compassionate and polite in your rejection of him.
I forgot something else. most men don’t want to hurt other men. these same men want to hurt women even less than other men. Most men like to see women be happy. Most men like to protect women.
Re. ‘rape culture’ – my guess is that it confuses ‘discourse’ (i.e. how we talk about rape) with ‘culture’ (how we behave). So one difficulty with the ‘rape culture’ idea is that ‘society’ ‘encourages’ heterosexual men to behave this way – despite the laws saying they shouldn’t, and the fact that most men don’t (because there are a whole host of other discourses, e.g. ‘sex is about love and marriage’). But maybe talking about rape as a ‘culture’ is a lot easier if you want to mobilise support for a campaign than objecting to people making stupid comments about it.
Suppose there were a nation, oh let’s say somewhere in Asia, where there were a goodly number of movies with a rape theme. And there were comics books which featured rape. And rape-themed video games. And even rape cartoons with cheerful, upbeat theme songs. Obviously, there could be no better example of “rape culture.”
So why does Japan have so much less rape than we have in the US? I guess it isn’t “rape culture” that causes rape.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take another look at My Balls, where the male protagonist gets gang raped by sexy demon women. But never quite to completion.
BTW, do I really need to point out that these links are NOT worksafe?
NSFW, for real.
Having read the blogger comments on Mr Glass, Luminous, and Awkward Guy, I can only say that the blogger has missed one vital point, and that is that Awkward Guy also lacked the goggles of female intuition, so didn’t even know he was being creepy or threatening. That is the reason behind Mr Glass’s reticience, because as a male, he knows. And, the blogger was profoundly naive about Mr Glass’s attention to Luminous girl! Awkward Guy was probably more persipient there than the good wife would like to believe. I mean, good grief!
But yes, I profoundly agree (I’m male) with your article. With increasing sexual frustration (in my case, a sexless marriage) even though I am told I’m attractive, I became a pest tosome women, and although I would have never be as stupid to ambush a woman in the dark (!) I did radiate “creep”…and that became a self-perpetuating downward spiral, as the sense of rejection made me more desperate and frustrated…more creepiness, and so on.
What solved my problem? You guessed it, an escort 🙂