Why do we never get an answer
When we’re knocking at the door
With a thousand million questions
About hate and death and war? – Justin Hayward
Please email maggiemcneill@earthlink.net if you have a question you’d like answered; I’m a bit slow with my correspondence lately but I should still be able to answer you within a few days.
I’m twenty-seven years old and I’ve been fantasizing about visiting prostitutes for at least ten years. The problem is that I live in a country where buying sexual favors is much more stigmatized than selling them. Indeed, the common view seems to be that prostitution is morally equivalent to rape and that anyone who buys sexual favors has a deficient sense of empathy. Though I vehemently disagree, it has an unconscious effect on me and I’m worried that I would begin to feel guilty over what I’d done. What is your advice?
As you know from reading my blog, the idea that paying a person for a service somehow harms that person is ludicrous in the extreme. However, the human mind being what it is, I understand your concern. My suggestion is that you travel as soon as you can to a fairly-affluent country where sex work is either decriminalized (New Zealand, NSW Australia) or very nearly so (Germany) and hire a native girl (not a foreign one). That way, you can head off any of the possible guilt-trips right from the beginning by demonstrating to yourself that the lady is neither desperate, nor criminalized, nor “trafficked”. And by going to another country you dramatically reduce the chance that anyone in your own will find out about it.
I am a 22-year-old European boy who fell deeply in love with an Australian girl last December, but she broke up with me a few weeks ago because she wants to open a high class escort agency and said that she needs to be an escort herself for a while first. She says has always been a “sex-person”, but had a troubled past and has gone through depression; she is also very immature for 21 years old (she plays with soft toys and watches cartoons) and is very shy, insecure and innocent. I won’t stop her because it is her life and I don’t judge this industry, but I really think this is the wrong choice for her because I’m worried that she’ll get sucked into this environment and lose herself.
Like practically everything else in the world, escorting is not right for everyone; some women thrive in the trade, and others view it as a job no better and no worse than others, but for some women it is a really bad idea. Generally, these are women with negative, moralistic or overly-romanticized views of sex, because they feel degraded by the work; from what you’re saying, though, it doesn’t seem as though your lady has any of those issues. This isn’t to say she’ll like the work; it’s entirely possible the reality will be nothing like her fantasy and she’ll quit in under a week (a young friend of mine had a similar reaction to the realities of stripping). But it’s also possible she may find it very satisfying and it may even help her to overcome her shyness and insecurity. The only way for her to find out if she likes it or not is to try it, so you’re wise not to obstruct her.
I understand that you’re concerned for her; it’s normal for a man to feel protective of a woman he loves. But at the same time, it’s possible you might be infantilizing her a bit. You say she’s had a troubled past, and has gone through depression, but that could be said of many people (including me, and I still watch cartoons even though I’m old enough to be her mother). The popular wisdom is that damaged people should wallow in their pain forever, but that’s self-destructive nonsense; the only hope of escaping the past is to live in the present and look toward the future. Even if she’s as fragile as you think, the only way to get stronger is to go out into the world, face its challenges and either overcome them or fail and learn. The only cure for innocence is experience, and a sheltered child never grows up. Furthermore, she’s in no more danger of getting “sucked into” anything as an escort than she is in many another high-paying field that nobody would think twice about her entering (such as modeling or sales); sex work is a lot more mundane than people think, and there really aren’t any mysterious tentacles waiting to drag unwary ingénues down into the abyss.
There’s one more thing I have to say: you won’t like hearing it, but it’s necessary. And that is, it may be time for you to move on. From your words I’m guessing that this is the first time you’ve really been in love, and that means you’re in the grip of some of the most powerful brain chemicals Nature devised to get us to do her bidding. I know that right now you believe you’ll never feel like this about anyone else, and that if you let her go you’ll never be happy again; I know it because I’ve felt the same way before, and so have most people. But the truth is, it really does get better, and in a few months you’ll have a much clearer perspective on her, your own feelings about her, and the difference between the two. It’s even possible that she may change her mind and come back to you, but at that point you really need to try to be as logical as possible and ask yourself if you really want to stay with a fickle woman who will probably keep you on an emotional roller-coaster for years to come.
Sigh … not when it’s the “right one”. 🙁
I mean, it becomes “livable”, sure but …
I lost one in 1985 and I’ve thought about her every day since then.
I’m being totally serious here, but there are times when I think Maggie is just a fiction of my imagination, something my brain invented based on a personal concept of pure cool. Someday you’ll say something petty, irritating or uncool, but not sure I’ll live that long.
You win “compliment of the day”! 😎
Hey Maggie, you recommended to the 27 year-old fellow that he visit a country that has decriminalized prostitution or come close to doing so. I’d add my country, Canada, to your list of countries for that guy to consider. Outcall prostitution is essentially “decriminalized” here. (I put the word in quotes there because, to the best of my knowledge, it was never a criminal offense within these borders.) Not only is outcall prostitution allowed, but it’s not licenced or regulated (beyond the stipulation that prostitutes have to be 18 or older). Going to brothels (and any other type of “incall” establishment) is illegal here. And it’s also illegal to hire streetwalkers. But as long as the guy is phoning someone to come over to his hotel room, he’s not breaking any Canadian laws. That’s the situation now. Things might change soon due to a legal challenge that’s before our supreme court. It could be that the laws relating to sex-work are more stable in New Zealand, Australia, and Germany. But if the guy is American, Canada’s probably a cheaper, more convenient option. Depending on how close to the border he is, it might be a simple drive up. Obviously he should visit one of the big cities — Montreal, Toronto, Calgary, or Vancouver. There are always going to be more options in the big cities.
+1 for Canada – never done anything myself there but I have friends who have!
But, I would also recommend that, prior to going to another country – get an account on the International Sex Guide – or just “lurk” there in the forum for the country you’re considering. There are a lot of “rip-offs” out there and it really kills your enthusiasm if your first experience is one. Make it pleasant and predictable – which usually means you need to fork out more cash (though not always). Email the girl, if possible to get a feel for her – you can really learn a lot about the girl from how she responds to you. Be very respectful in all your communication with her and there’s not the slightest reason to discuss anything sexual. If she’s been reviewed somewhere on the web – you can read her reviews for the kind of services she provides. This is why I recommend sticking with someone who’s been reviewed – no surprises. Always end the communication with “very respectfully” or something else like that. DO NOT BE A TIME WASTER. If you schedule something – stick to it and don’t bounce her emails continuously back and forth when there’s little chance you’ll agree to a date.
The girls I’ve seen like to feel like the guy on the other end of the communications is a GENTLEMAN. It’s a dangerous business so they’re screening for well-mannered clients. The girl I saw last week is well known for pretty stringent screenings – but she only asked me for one bit of info and cleared me. Afterwards, I asked her about this and she told me that she just got a comfortable feeling about me because I was nice and polite in the emails and text messages we shared – and she said a lot of guys aren’t like that. Mainly her complaint is that they’d call her for a date and then start asking her if she did “this” or “that” – and getting very sexually explicit when she didn’t even know who they were – or if they were LE or not. The fact they’re paid companions doesn’t change the fact that they are GIRLS first and have the same kind of “radar” and concerns about men they meet that “free” girls have.
Again, when all else fails – READ THE REVIEWS on the girl – there should be no surprises when your date occurs. Yeah – a lot of reviews suck and they are way too explicit and disrespectful often and contain a lot of unwarranted “braggadocio”, I’m sure. But you have to filter all that – there’s really no other way to be sure otherwise.
+2 for Canada. Even though ‘incall’ is supposedly out of bounds, it is pretty much ignored as long as the girl picks a hotel that is sex worker friendly. I would include the border towns like Niagara Falls and Windsor to the list. The rates are really affordable. Also, although I would recommend staying clear of BP in most cases, the Canadian BP gals seem to be more honest than across the border (true for Niagara Falls Canada vs Buffalo anyway)
Great advice as usual Maggie
Oh, Canada! I’ve heard good things about the strip clubs in Toronto. Unfortunately, I had visited there a year too early.
I’ve been trying to figure out what BP means. So far, I’ve got nothing.
British Petroleum? And if that’s a code word for a sex act, I’m not sure I wanna know…
Backpage.
Thanks. I was wondering about BP myself.
Border Police?
Babe Provider?
Barely Professional?
Textual evidence made me suspect the young man was in one of the Scandinavian countries, or one of the far-Eastern Muslim ones, so I suggested destinations I thought would be close for him. But since I try to make my answers useful to as many people as possible I absolutely should have included Canada. Thanks for pointing it out, Chester!
If it’s going to be a one time or even once a year thing, then your advice on traveling is perfect.
However, if he’s planning on making it a monthly or weekly thing, it might be impractical.
And you don’t always know. I remember once when I had some financial issues that I thought made it impractical to see a girl regularly I told myself, “I’ll just treat myself this once, and if things improve I’ll make it a regular thing.” Well, I was back there the very next month and the month after that. On the plus side it motivated me to get out of the rut I was in career wise (no pun intended).
He sounds like he may be the type to blurt such things out to his judgmental friends and family. I knew a guy like that once. I told him how much fun I was having at strip clubs and he decided to go. However, he didn’t bring a lot of money with him, so he didn’t have any fun. When he got home, he told his Mom and his sister what he had done. They called him a pervert. He blamed me for it My thought was, “Is he insane?”
If you aren’t the type to blurt out you intimate business to judgmental loved ones, though, there are ways to be discreet. I found that no one is even slightly suspicious if you make appointments before 2 PM. That’s daytime! No one goes to see call girls during the daytime (heh-heh-heh).
Great minds think alike! 😉
🙂
Hey, cartoons and stuffies aren’t immature. I’m a 30 year old guy with an anime collection and a pink stuffed octopus in the bed.
Hrm…wait a minute…
Forty-six, male, with several seasons of Sailor Moon, fansubbed. Have plushies of all five Inner Senshi. Writing my own CuteyHoney fanfic. Sang this at A-KON karaoke.
I know some awfully tough chicks who are into comic books, anime, stuffed toys, etc.
Oh, by the way, Maggie, loved the hat tip to the Moody Blues.
😉
The advice to the gentleman with the GF who wants to try escorting is excellent.
Measured, careful, considerate of both parties, but adressing only the writer’s concerns (ie. the writer’s concerns for the GF, not the GF directly) – if only all relationshi padvice could be this forthright and balanced.
Incidentally, the advice about not allowing brain chemicals to override self-interest is the same afvice I’d give anyman in the same situation. Or woman.
far too often, we let false ideas of romance and traditional ideological views of emotoinal states cloud our minds.
To the young man wanting to visit a escort for the first time-
I’ve said it before on here, and I will say it again. Men, do your homework! Don’t just book the first girl that looks appealing.
You have a wonderful advantage these days in that you can do research on the internet. Many established working girls have reviews. They have reviews over a period of time, which means that she enjoys the business enough to continue. They have websites that don’t appear to be thrown up over night. It’s like any other business, reputation matters.
Also, if you’re looking for anything special, find the right woman, who’s comfortable with accommodating that. As with anything else in life, especially something this personal, not everyone is comfortable with everything.
Do your homework, book the right woman, show up, be considerate, and you should have a great time.
About the guy with the girlfriend who wants to become an escort:
Respect her right to make a choice? Well yeah. Like Maggie says, it’s not any more “addictive” than any other job with good pay and flexible hours. And twenty-one might be young, but it’s old enough to make her own choices.
Move on? Maybe, but maybe not. Don’t be too quick to discount brain chemicals. Those chemicals are where we live. They are as much reality as anything else in life. If you hate spinach and love strawberries (or hate strawberries and love spinach), that’s chemistry too. If you think about math, art, love or logic puzzles, that’s all brain chemistry.
You do, however, have to ask yourself if you can stand having a girlfriend who regularly has sex with other men. Sort of comes with the territory, when you’re an escort. If that’s a deal-breaker for you, well…