Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose. – Gertrude Stein
A whore is any woman who gets money for sexual contact with someone. It doesn’t matter what kind of sex it is, or how expensive the price, or how long the contract, or who pays, or whether intercourse is involved, or whether busybodies declare it legal, or what either party’s primary motive is, or under what conditions the contact takes place, or whether one or both parties have a “license” from some “authority”; as I wrote in “Whorearchy”,
If you accept money from someone that he gives due to sexual interest in you, then you are a whore and everything else is just semantics. When politicians, pundits or rulers use some arbitrary determinant like penetration, duration, location or motivation to bless some harlots while damning others, what they’re actually doing is reducing the size of the group who might oppose them and winning supporters from among those granted legitimacy. This is why I’m harshly unsympathetic to those who vehemently maintain that their species of sex work or sensual therapy is absolutely not prostitution: all they’re doing is throwing other women under the bus, and if we had all stuck together from the beginning of second-wave feminism half a century ago, prostitution would’ve been decriminalized long ago and many women who are now dead or damaged might still be alive and healthy.
I’m bringing this up again because of a new movie called The Sessions, based on the true story of a whore named Cheryl Greene who was able to help a man disabled by polio experience sex before he died. Regular readers are already familiar with how sex workers like Rachel Wotton, Catharina König and yours truly give disabled men the opportunity to enjoy sex, but unfortunately some who specialize in this type of therapeutic sex work imagine themselves to be better than their sisters and, like many dominatrices, sugar babies, porn actresses, virginity sellers and “professional cuddlers”, loudly and repeatedly (and unconvincingly) insist that they aren’t prostitutes because of some hogo bullshit arbitrary reason. In this case, it’s because they are trained by people with fancy titles and adopt one themselves: “sex surrogate”.
The concept of “sex surrogacy” was pioneered by Masters and Johnson in 1970, and it’s a good and sound one: it’s a lot easier to diagnose and treat some sexual problems with a hands-on approach. Any dedicated call girl worth her salt can do this, sometimes with great efficacy; the only difference between them and surrogates is that surrogates are trained in theory, terminology and therapeutic techniques in addition to their natural abilities. Not long after I started escorting, my friend Dr. Helena (who had studied under Masters and Johnson) started talking to me about the possibility of becoming certified as a surrogate; she felt I would excel at it, and I don’t doubt that she was right. If not for her untimely death she might eventually have talked me into it; the main sticking point for me was that I would need to undergo many months of training in order to make literally one-third what I did as an escort.
But though surrogates’ pretense that they aren’t hookers may appease their families or their own internalization of the Madonna-whore duality, it won’t fool readers of this blog and I suspect the only reason cops and district attorneys don’t go after them is that their screening is far too thorough and a prosecution might make too many people question the validity of prostitution laws. Here’s an excerpt from a recent New York Post article on the subject:
…Helen Hunt plays a sex surrogate in the acclaimed film The Sessions — but in real life there are sex surrogates working right here in NYC…“People tend to be ill-informed about what a surrogate partner does,” explains [Dr. Fern] Arden…“They think of it pejoratively, the same as a sex worker, but it’s not,” she adds. “Just as you have legitimate massage therapists and people who run massage parlors, there is a huge difference between them”…But…Derrelle Janey, a defense attorney at…Gottleib and Gordon, likens the sex surrogacy practice to prostitution — after all, money is being received for sex: “It doesn’t matter if the client is disabled, it doesn’t matter if he is suffering from some kind of emotional distress — that just makes it kind of sad. They have agreed to pay money for a sexual experience, and everyone understands that’s the transaction. In my view, that’s prostitution”…Arden…insists what she does is not prostitution; it’s a public service…
It’s bad enough when cops and prohibitionists spout ignorant pap in interviews, but unforgivable when someone who should know better does. A sexologist who denies that sex work is every bit as much a public service as what she does is either a liar, a quack or a lying quack.
…“Most of the men who come to my center are sexually inexperienced, so the surrogate program allows them to progress with their treatment.” She argues it would be “cruel” not to treat them and have them “remain dysfunctional” until they find a willing partner to accompany them to therapy…“The sessions with the surrogate evolve gradually. It’s a very gradual, sensual process of getting used to holding hands, caressing and kissing…[The clients] could come into treatment for several visits before they even take their clothes off.”
Sensuality and gradualness are also found in several other types of sex work as well, as Arden should well know.
Sarah, one of Arden’s surrogate partners…carefully fielded questions about the practical side of her job…“I don’t feel compelled to tell everybody that I meet [that I work as a sexual surrogate],” she says. “There are certain people in my life who understand what I do and are very supportive of it. But there are also people in my life who there is no reason for me to even go there.”
Sound familiar? Nobody denies that surrogates are more educated than the average whore, but so am I and so are a number of other sex work bloggers, writers and activists. And nobody denies that the surrogate experience usually has a different goal, pace and focus than the average date with a hooker, but then PSEs, GFEs, fetish sessions, private viewings and listening to troubled men are all different from a quick blow job. Pretending that surrogacy is not sex work merely divides our already-marginalized profession and further empowers the prohibitionists to interfere in people’s sex lives, thus undermining the sexual understanding surrogates are supposed to promote.
I consider it exceedingly cruel that I should be deprived of regular sex just because I cannot find willing partners too. Therefore my favorite escorts etc. must also qualify as “surrogates”.
Of all the excuses people try, I think “surrogate” is the flimsiest veil of all. When a prostitute is persecuted by the law, no one cares what her motives are or how emotionally needy her clients are.
It’s certainly an excuse that any customer of a whore could use with about the same level of truth as the ones who do use it; but then again, the same can be said of “medical marijuana”. After all, surveys have shown repeatedly that many, perhaps most, “recreational” marijuana users do it to treat themselves for conditions such as depression and PTSD.
If I felt the need for either sex or MJ and didn’t live conveniently close to where it could be obtained legally, I would certainly use these excuses and have no problem with everyone else doing the same. After all, depression and PTSD are just as “real” as glaucoma, cancer, and the other conditions that some authorities see as justifying MMJ.
They have sex with other people as their work. How is that not sex work, exactly? The mental gymnastics on display here are amazing.
OK. But what’s the huge distinction between what ‘sex surrogate’ does and the services provided by an escort? Is it because one might be paid through health insurance?
This sounds like some of the possible career branches that I faced, and which ultimately led to me hold off on graduate school for a few years until I could find a way to make the process profitable in the long-run.
One of the famous prostitutes in Europe, Nina de Vries only sees disabled clients and has trained both women and men, given lectures etc. While she notes that many prefer the word “therapy” over “prostitution”, she does not say that her speciality is superior to other areas in sex work; “What I’m doing is a sexual service, as well as prostitution, even if there are differences, of course. I’m no better”.
Don’t some independent escorts work under the legal pretense that they are sex therapy councilors or sexual surrogates? I seem to recall one woman on the internet who claimed this. She used her lingerie purchases as a tax write off – or so she claimed. Wish I could find where I read that.
I’m still waiting for you to get into the “tantric massage” princesses out there. Now, THERES a different breed! Most of the ones I’ve seen advertise on the internet seem to be in complete denial about what they’re actually doing. Guys I know, who’ve seen a few, say it’s a hit or miss thing with these women and they’re very frustrating. Some of them even charging full-service rates and then claiming … “Hey there’s no full service here!”
I’m sure many try, legally and financially, it is stupid for them to attempt to do so. As far as things like taxes are concerned. If those escorts get audited or in some other legal trouble and they try to make that claim, they will need to verify it with a paper trail. If they can’t, then they’ve just compounded their troubles. Just as bad, if a sex surrogate or councilor also works on the side as an independent escort and they are arrested on prostitution charges (or otherwise publicly outed), they could lose their license to practice. CMTs (clinical massage therapists) are under the same onus.
And you’re spot on about the tantric massage folks. A lot of people feel that if they can spell it and half-ass it enough, then they can become it. No. Just no. I am sure there are some who are genuine but I feel that may be a small number indeed.
This is like the transformation of weed into “medicine”, except no one can say that with a straight face. Both sides of the issue equivocate
to avoid mentioning the embarrassing arbitrariness of the law.
To paraphrase Mencken, puritanism may be defined as the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be experiencing physical pleasure.
Medicalization becomes a path of attack for people who want to preserve the therapeutic value of drugs and sex. Because our society processes purely physical pleasure as wrong, one aspect of medicalization is treating pleasure as an unfortunate side effect of therapeutic drugs and therapeutic sex. (This seems silly to me, with sex especially where there is no fear of addiction, the pleasurable aspects of sex are part of its therapeutic benefits along with the light exercise and keeping the endocrine and vascular systems in good shape.)
The problem is it is trying to sidestep the problem, which is treating pleasure for pleasure’s sake as wicked rather than confronting it head on. I still have no doubt that some sex therapists who take a hands on approach actually feel themselves superior to prostitutes because they buy into their own medical propaganda. After all, they are providing a beneficial medical service. (I have no idea what surrogate training involves by I expect ordinary prostitutes could make use of it to increase their income, much the way marketers sometimes hire psychologists to improve their sales techniques.)
Since prostitution is illegal in this country, surrogates have little choice but to attempt the differentiation, thus the abject hypocrisy.
But still no excuse for dissing their sisters-in-arms!
Another form of dissing is to wilfully ignore ANY groups that help with ANY problem, i.e., say they don’t even exist (sometimes without bothering to make any effort to even find out if anyone IS out there), saying a group is too small to count and/or make a difference and downing HOW they go about helping.
So, I consider my start in the sex industry when I was an informal sugar baby. This was four years ago before there were any boards or sites (that I knew of, anyway) where sugar daddies and sugar babies could meet. I referred to myself as a mistress since both of mine were married men. I had absolutely no delusion that what I was doing was prostitution, informal though it may have been. It is the fact that I had absolutely no problem at all not only stating that, in nicer terms but no less direct, “I don’t fuck married guys for free” but after receiving my “patron gift” that I didn’t feel any of those things I was suppose to feel at that point according to common “wisdom”. Though I am still a mistress to one of them, the lack of formality and structure is what made me go ahead and become a full-fledged escort. Lack of structure drives me crazy and though that may initially make me seem stiff and overly proper, it’s not really; I just have no patience for bullshit, weaseling, and indecisiveness. Especially in the sex industry.
I find sugar babies and other mistresses/kept women who deny their whorishness to be especially disdainful. Ditto with the surrogates. I think it is one thing to describe the training and skill sets brought to your particular brand of sex work; it is quite another to act as though said training and skill sets somehow make it something above and beyond and anyone lacking it is beneath you.
I didn’t see anything described in that article that courtesans don’t regularly do. Certainly, there must be hard cases that need some extra therapy. But most of your disabled or socially stunted can get everything they need from a kind hearted sex worker.
Hey Maggie,
Can I just say I LOVE your blog. I’m a prostitute surrogate of a kind – I’m a full time stay at home wife and mother. I make my living by having sex with one client – my husband, and damn, it’s fun!
I got mistaken for a hooker today, and it was kind of fun, too. I blog at http://www.judgybitch.com, and I hope I do a decent job of portraying prostitutes in a positive light.
All us working girls need to stick together*
*I sincerely hope comparing myself to a real prostitute does not offend you. I figure I AM a real one,minus the dangers that come from social ostracization and legal retribution. No one can arrest ME for trading sex for money. Yet.
Offend me? Not at all! I’ve written many times that a housewife is a kind of whore, and you and I have the same kind of arrangement now because I, too have only the one client!
I’ve been reading your blog since you started linking me a few weeks ago, and I’ve really enjoyed it; I’d like to give you a link in my “Friends of Whores” section. Interested?
I would be honored, Maggie!
Refresh your screen and take a look at the “Friends of Whores” box to the right. 😉
I hope to see you comment often!
> No one can arrest ME for trading sex for money. Yet.
No, but once word gets out that you promise your husband enthusiastic sex in return for his paycheck, and you actually deliver on that sexual promise, neofeminists will call you a disgrace to the cause.
The sexual starving of every man on the planet — regardless of the man, regardless of his relationship to a particular woman — is the highest virtue to neofeminism.
Maggie, from what I gather the law still applies to sexual surrogates with regard to prostitution. It seems there have been psychologists and counselors over the years who have been reluctant to use them for fear of prosecution. However it seems this has been a somewhat gray area because of the implied “clinical” aspect. Since you were close to getting certified at one point I am curious is it a school you go to? Is this some type of vocational training at a college? I do feel that it is very hypocritical to try and put some type of line between prostitutes/escorts/call girls and what these surrogates do. But then again I don’t know as much about their work aside from the sexual therapy part. In most cases escorts have run across many individuals who were disabled or handicapped and have worked in a compassionate manner with these people. Does this mean because a prostitute or escort is less trained in these matters, and doesn’t have some type of certificate that she should still be arrested for working with such clients? I honestly don’t feel that should be the case. Many escorts/call girls, and street prostitutes have learned how to deal with many of the same issues as a sex surrogate, from premature ejaculation with a client, to ED, to emotional issues pertaining to intimacy that each client has had.
I do have a friend who I correspond by email with and he was curious and asked me some questions and brought up some view points on this. I sent a link to your website here to this article so he could read it. We were talking about this movie that came out just recently. He knows about my escorting but he has never utilized escorts or call girls and is extremely curious about it. Anyway I thought I would share his thoughts, would love to see your response to some of what he has posted. I know what I told him from my viewpoint, but would love to see yours. Keep in mind Maggie he is playing Devil’s Advocate on the viewpoints and questions he asks:
Quote:
“Maggie seems to have a lot of posts about how anyone who gets any compensation for sex is a prostitute. I think that’s right. However, about the point that sexual surrogates shouldn’t regard themselves as being morally “better” than an escort or street prostitute is an interesting proposition. For example, sometimes people break laws willingly in order to help society. Think about spies during war that sabotage other governments for the good of their own. Or someone like Donnie Brasco, the FBI agent who pretended to be a hood and took part in crimes in order to infiltrate the mafia. It’s really all about perception and point of view, I guess, when you’re trying to figure out if what people in these situations are doing something “right”.
From a very rudimentary understanding of sexual surrogacy therapy, it seems like a really great thing for certain patients. I think that the point of Maggie’s article is to show the hypocrisy when US society says it is ok for someone to be a sexual surrogate because of their “fancy” titles and theory but we shun escorts. I agree with this point. However, Maggie did not go through the process of becoming a real, licensed sexual surrogate herself and therefore can’t really say definitely what any of the theory or training involves. Perhaps sexual surrogates do some things different than a regular escort helping a disabled person- especially when it comes to talking about feelings before and after the session. Psychologically, these times could play very important roles in the patients’ therapy.
So should sexual surrogates be deemed morally better than escorts and prostitutes? I don’t think so. But should Maggie try to downplay the theories and “titles” that sexual surrogates have to understand? I don’t think so either. And while I understand the hypocrisy that exists, it can’t be denied that most escorts and prostitutes participate in that line of work for monetary purposes only. On the other hand, while sexual surrogates get paid for their work, the main motivation for them seems to be in helping people. Maggie said herself that she’d rather skip all of the training in order to make more dough working independently. Some escorts help disabled people too, that’s true. But I think that is the reason why public perception is a little more positive for sexual surrogates. It all depends on the initial motivation for why sexual surrogates are doing what they are doing as opposed to an escort’s initial motivation. And don’t forget that perception about motivation is also judged on other things like 1) sexual surrogates only work with patients while escorts work with anyone (and sometimes a patient) and 2) volume. Volume of customers I think really makes a big difference here in public perception”.
End Quote.
Personally, I think a lot of “surrogates” and “tantric love goddesses” simply want to be harlots, but need a mask of illusion to wear to convince themselves that they aren’t actually “whores” and that they are somehow in it for a “higher purpose”.
Sure, they accept LESS money – but they have MORE control over how far they’ll go … and for whom they’ll “go” it for.
Personally, I just prefer a woman who has an enlightened mind and realizes what she’s doing and has no problems resolving that with her inner self. It’s hard for me to even think of any sexual problem a “surrogate” could resolve that a good escort couldn’t. Notice I said a “good” one – because there are a tremendous number of lousy ones out there labelling themselves as “escorts” … backpage is full of them. Rule Number One in Life is never go into the Louisiana swamps without a good firearm. Rule number two – only slightly less known – is stay the fuck off backpage!!!
Rule number three – Never go in against a Sicilian when Deathnis on the line.
(Couldn’t resist 😎)
Oh just a side note, he gave his permission to post his correspondence. I didn’t want you to think I would just put someone’s correspondence with me out there without their permission. We are actually emailing back and forth tonight. I asked if it was ok. He said that was fine.
You kinda want to pull these silly ladies aside:
“Look, it’s not there’s no difference between what you do and prostitution… it’s that there’s not difference between prostitution and what you do.”
Pull them aside and say, “I know how you could be doing the exact same thing as you’re doing now, but make three times as much. Interested? Of course, there’s one little catch….”
1 of my new causes is speakng out for those of us who help men sexually at no literal charge. This can also include keeping the costs of meeting up as low as possible for the men (which I’ve done from the time I started having “sex only friends”, etc. and it’s something I’ll never quit doing). We also help the disabled (I have and still do). We also help the poor and those who don’t want to see whores. The truth is there’s men who can’t afford whores (including streetwalkers) and/or don’t want to see whores. They deserve sex also. Since I’ve started researching online who else is out there like me (past and present) I’ve found that we’re lied about at times (unfortunately, this matches the ###*** I’ve found about the groups that are already causes of mine). Exposing these lies, unfair blanket statements, ###*** stereotypes, etc., is part of my cause. Also showing that we exist and truly do help. There’s a movie about us (thank you God): http://www.hancinema.net/a-sex-volunteer-open-secret-1st-story-for-the-disabled-in-director-s-debut-23073.html
1 of the characters (based on a real person) in the movie is arrested for prostitution. Unfortunately, this proves that those who help at literally no charge are at risk also in this way. ###*** that! My view is no one should be arrested for having consensual sex (as long as they’re adults) whether it’s for free OR for $’s.
You know that I think a great deal of what you do, Laura. And yes, I personally benefit from it, but it’s still beautiful.
Dear Sailor Barsoom, but, I love wrecking homes. I’m just too risky to date along with the other women like me. I have too little and/or no self-esteem and self-respect. I don’t know my worth. I’m literally and willfully too dumb to charge $’s for sex. I’m full of STD’s and hate using condoms. So why would you say these positive things about what I do? LOL. Seriously, thank you. Being a non-rich man you know how the sexual needs of those men are seen as even less worthy by some (not all, thank God).
Careful Laura. You’re starting to get snarly.
No, no more being careful. I’m fed up with the ###*** out there about non-whore women. I’m not careful about the ###*** about the MVS either and the ###*** about non-whore women is as disgusting and wrong. Sick of it and will expose and fight it until I’m dead just like I will with the MVS.
I never suggested you quit standing up for non-whore women, whores, MVS, or cats… OK yes I do suggest you not stick up for cats.
What I mean is that when you get snarly you get a little unfocused in your writing… you know like I do too. >_<
New word of the day, “Hogo.”
Thanks Maggie!
Credit where it’s due: that’s a term I picked up over 20 years ago from Frank (though I’m not sure where he got it). I’ve always used it to mean “utter and complete” when modifying the metaphorical “bullshit”, though in actuality it means “strong-smelling”. 🙂
Maggie, I agree. When I was a whore (over 20 years) I also saw disabled (socially and/or physically) clients, with love and generosity. I also have a friend who is a “surrogate” and also a working whore. She gets clients through a therapist, but also as a regular call girl. At least in the movie the Sessions, she says “I have nothing against prostitutes.” So that’s at least something you don’t see/hear much in Hollywood films.
Yes, absolutely. And I certainly have nothing against surrogates; I think they do valuable work. What bothers me is the perpetuation of stigma and ignorance, the consignment of whores to a narrow little box described not by society at large but rather by those who want to see us eradicated.
Reasons for whores to insist that they are not whores are a desire to feel superior, a desire to be well-thought-of by friends and family who have their minds made up about genuine prostitutes, a desire to be well-thought-of in their own made-up minds (“whores are dirty, sleazy, drug-addled losers, and I’m NOT one of THOSE!”), and a desire to avoid problems with the law.
This last is a big one. I have to think that, were I involved in any form of prostitution and could make a case that there was any reason in hell that I’m “not really” a prostitute, I’d be tempted to make that argument in order to keep my ass out of jail.
“A prostitute? Me? Oh good God no! I’m a proxy-revenge therapist. You see, my patients were all either sexually abused as children or raped as adults, and by allowing them to sexually dominate me, I help them resolve their anger and frustration. I don’t know who told you I was a pro-submissive hooker, but ug, I’m certainly not one of THOSE. Now, could you please remove these handcuffs? I usually charge extra for that.”
I love your summation. Now that’s funny. Reminds me of a guy in my junior creative writing class explaining to a space alien how a “mugging” is actually a service and if you just show up tomorrow with half the money you have today, I’ll “mug you for half price.”
I would understand the pretense if one activity was legal and one wasn’t. Obviously laws vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, but generally in Europe prostitution itself is rarely illegal. And in my view a whore who sprouts psychobabble instead of giving head is a charlatan, but no worse than chiropractors, osteopaths, homeopaths, aromatherapists, hypnotists, psychotherapists, psychologists and astrologers who dress up their bullshit as science. Maybe there is a market for their bullshit too.
Men pay for lap dances and convince themselves a girl grinding on them or rubbing her pussy centimetres from their face isn’t prostitution. They sleep with holiday reps, chalet maids, tour guides and waitresses and convince themselves they aren’t paying for sex when leaving huge tips. It might also be easier for a girl to think that her husband or boyfriend is in some sort of therapy. Some people need delusions in their lives.
I have to admit, I do prefer a woman who give me head to one who shrinks my head.
Reblogged this on Posh Sonya.