Disguise our bondage as we will,
‘Tis woman, woman rules us still. – Isaac Bickerstaff, The Sultan (II,i)
Here’s a letter from a very distraught reader, and my response:
I’m a 24 year old male virgin who couldn’t get laid to save my own life. I’m in a very bad state of physical health and have severely low testosterone, a small penis and erectile dysfunction; I also have severe social anxiety and many other mental health issues. I have no friends or social contact of any kind, and hate women with an all-consuming passion; I know this is irrational and mostly due to my complete failure with them, but this does little to quell the rage. Although I have never been violent towards another human being in my whole life, and I have no doubt that I would never actually hurt a woman, I do have extremely violent fantasies; I don’t mean to freak you out, but I just want to explain myself completely. At the same time I view women with awe and reverence and never stop thinking about them; I also envy them, which strikes as borderline homosexual. I’m a severely porn-addicted, chronic compulsive masturbator and my fantasies have devolved into sickening femdom/chastity/cuckolding porn and incest; I can only relate to women as either a pitiful charity case to be coddled like a child, or as a victim to be tormented. I want so much to get my head strait and respond sexually to things that are healthy; my desire is to be normal.
My feelings toward women in general are magnified with respect to highly sexual women; I abhor them whilst worshiping them, and I’m a reactionary traditionalist who wants to forcibly repress female sexuality and reverse the effects of the sexual revolution. So for me (and I know how irrational this is), going to a prostitute would be an act of profound surrender, allowing myself to be completely vulnerable to that which I fear more than anything in the world. Practically, what I think I need is a highly skilled woman who has patience and genuine compassion, somebody who’s had success in working with my kind before. I watched a documentary called Scarlet Road about an Australian prostitute who works primarily with disabled dudes, and that’s exactly what I’m seeking. What I’m not sure about, though, is whether I should go to a prostitute now, or else wait six months or so and really try and get my health in order so I could enjoy the experience more. Since I’ve received very little help from doctors, it might possibly be years before I become healthy again, and I cannot wait that long without experiencing simple human touch and companionship; a healing experience with a talented prostitute might be a catalyst for me to make major changes in my life. I’d really appreciate your thoughts on the matter.
I have written on a number of occasions about the severe problems which can result from a man’s being deprived of sexual release, and though I do think this has severely aggravated your emotional and mental health I don’t think it’s the major factor. I’m not a psychiatrist, and even if I were I couldn’t even begin to make a diagnosis based on one email, but I think it’s safe to say that your social anxiety and whatever other issues keep you from having friends are the chief impediments to your happiness. So though I am going to give you the advice about hiring a pro that you asked for, I also strongly urge you to research and seek out a competent therapist who could help you with the social and psychological problems. That’s not necessarily going to be easy; there are boatloads of therapists, psychologists, counselors and the like in every city, but most of them are only semi-competent and finding a good one will take work and time unless you’re very fortunate. It is possible that just finding a companion who will listen to your problems will go a long way toward helping you, but if your situation is as bad as you have painted it you may also need medication and only a doctor can provide that. While it’s true that psychoactive drugs are overprescribed nowadays, it’s also true that when used properly they can give someone temporary respite from his emotional pain so as to allow him to regroup and get his life back into order. You wrote that you’ve received little help from doctors for your physical problems; here again, you may just need to keep looking for the right one. Improvement in your physical health might work wonders for your mental health, probably much more than you suspect.
I’m glad you were honest with me about your anger toward women and fear of female sexuality, and rest assured I am not “freaked out”. While your feelings are unusual in their intensity, they’re not at all unusual in their character; while I would hesitate to call them typical, I must point out that this kind of love/hate relationship with women is evident in the writings of many men from antiquity to the present and suffuses Western monotheism (and as Camille Paglia points out, inspires an awful lot of art). It’s the real-life syndrome from which neofeminist myths about “misogyny” and “rape culture” spring, but in actuality it’s simply the wholly predictable result of male sexual frustration. When thwarted, powerful drives don’t just go away; buried, they rot in the earth and give rise to dark, unwholesome and unlovely things. A caged tiger paces back and forth unceasingly; a man develops fantasies which may repel or sicken him, and grows to hate the thing which he blames for his condition. But these are merely surface manifestations conjured up to hide the painful truth: though you claim to hate and fear whores, you approached an unrepentant harlot for advice in dealing with her sisters. Please understand that I am not belittling your feelings in any way; after all, you pointed it out yourself. The only reason I brought it up at all is that I want you to understand that if I really thought you genuinely hated women in general and whores in particular, I wouldn’t be giving you advice on how to locate one for fear you might harm her.
I think your idea of seeking a really dedicated professional who views her work as a calling is a sound one, and I’m happy to tell you that such women exist in virtually every part of the globe (though if you live under a criminalization regime, it will take a little more care and research on your part). I’m afraid you’re going to have to be very patient; it is imperative that you find the right woman, or else the experience will simply result in even more frustration. Furthermore, you may not be able to perform the first few times you are with her; the combination of physical factors, frustration, anger, anxiety and everything else will probably prevent it. You need to go into the early appointments with the attitude that you are just there to talk, to touch and to hold and be held; if you don’t expect intercourse and tell the lady not to expect it either, you can spend the time getting used to being with a naked woman without the fear of ridicule or failure. One thing of which I can assure you is that absolutely NO professional worth her salt will mock you for your penis size, inability to achieve erection or fearfulness; trust me, we have all seen these things many, many times, and will no more ridicule you for them than a physician would mock you for being ill or a maid insult your dirty carpet.
In summary: Take your time, as hard as that may be: research the ladies in your area, find one who seems patient and understanding, explain that you may have difficulties and just want to touch and talk. Then see her a few times, expecting nothing in particular to happen in any given session; enjoy the journey rather than focusing on a particular destination, and in the meantime do whatever you need to do to improve your health. As you become comfortable with your escort the psychological and emotional barriers to physical intimacy will erode, and unless it’s physiologically impossible for you to achieve erection you should eventually be able to have intercourse, and thereby begin the process of healing your spirit and moving toward a healthy and fulfilling sex life.
(Have a question of your own? Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)
Wise and kind counsel as always.
While I never reached the levels of frustration this reader experiences, I was a virgin (not even getting to first base) until I was 28 so I empathise with his frustration. Between ages 15 and 25 I was also utterly convinced that I was completely unloveable (it was an axiom on par with the existence of gravity to me) and, yes, the dichotomous hate/reverence feelings certainly can grow strong. Hating women because they rejected me but wanting nothing more than to be with them. Fantasies during those times were anything but consensual sex.
And I agree that psychological/psychiatrical treatment would be good. As one who has through a few of both kinds, it is necessary to keep trying until you find one that “connects” but it is also very difficult to give up on one and restart the whole process of seeking a new one, initial sessions, etc. It went years between some of my attempts. Psychoactive drugs alone does not help much. They should be seen as the mental equivalent to a plaster cast, it keeps you from hurting yourself anymore but unless there is healing going on inside they don’t cure anything.
Oh, and to that reader and others in his situation; in case a psychiatrist want to prescribe SSRI to you (quite likely if social phobias, anxiety and/or depression are part of the picture), please be aware that roughly 20% of males become impotent (reversible) when on SSRI, which wont exactly help in these cases…
I was on cymbalta an SNRI for a while. It was a major libido drop and made orgasm difficult. But helped put the head in right place for therapy.
I would recommend seeing dr. Maybe using anti depressant. See therapist. work out as much as dr allows – go for heart rate not buff. A female therapist worked better for me because admitting emotion to a man was impossible. It also gives you a female contact which helped me not stereotype during a period where my wife was acting out some negative female stereotypes.
As a depressed male, just accept that you won’t orgasm or will fire off too quickly. That’s cool, unlike a spouse, she isn’t likely to complain about it to the neighbor 🙂
I say: dude, go see a provider and stop over-analyzng. And expect your first time to be not all that awesome, and that’s ok. A pretty common reaction to sex for the first time is “Is *that* what all the fuss was about?” You are not going to go crazy or freak out, prostitutes pop cherries all the time. Do it, get rid of the V-card, and move on from there.
Well, I couldn’t give any better advice than that.
I will say that your physical state influences your mental outlook tremendously. Not only that – but getting in shape will improve his testosterone levels.
I would also say – lay off the porn. I’m not a big believer in today’s high definition porn experience and the social anxiety and erectile dysfunction pretty much jibes with what I’ve read coming from hundreds of guys who’ve abused porn – right down to the increasingly more “perverse” forms of it. I view porn quite like one of those big “fenced in” game preserves down in Texas where the animals can’t escape, and some guy plops you down right in front of one and tells you to “shoot”!! It’s not hunting. Hunting is freezing your ass off in the woods pulling ticks off your dick all day and then going home empty handed – usually. That’s what the experience is. It’s no different with women – you go out, you meet a lot of chicks, and MOST of them reject you. I’ve never had a problem finding women (once I learned how to “target” them properly. 🙂 ), but I can tell you that most women I’ve approached turned me down the first time – well at least half.
You just keep casting your lure into the water, the more casts … the more chances you have of catching a fish. 😀
Oh one more thing – I think this guy not only has hard feelings for women – but he doesn’t like himself that much. That’s key – no one is going to be attracted to someone who loathes himself. He’s got to fix his self-image.
I totally agree; that’s the main reason I suggested therapy. A poor self-esteem can hurt a lot more than just a man’s sex life.
Amen to that. If you can’t love yourself then who will?
>and I’m a reactionary traditionalist who wants to forcibly repress female sexuality and reverse the effects of the sexual revolution.
There are a lot of this type out there. In the USA, churches, and the Republican party are full of them.
One comment for this man, look for a provider who is known as a really good GFE for your firs time. Working girls develop reputations for specialties over time, and everyone has a different inclination. You want someone who can really work the GFE style on you.
Also, man up and stop blaming people. It’s terrible that you have severe health problems, and social limitations, but it’s not women’s fault. Things just happen with out bodies. I know this because I’ve got pretty bad arthritis these days. But I don’t blame anyone for it, I don’t carry around all that bitterness in addition to the mobility limitations and pain.
Actually, with his ED … he prolly should simply start with FBSM. Between the ED and the nervousness of a first encounter, it’s likely he won’t be able to perform the first time – maybe the first few times. I’m not sure his ego will take that and he’ll just end up in an emotional “death spiral” over his inability to perform. I seriously freaked out one time when my wedding tackle failed me. The thing is, my girlfriend and I found ourselves with a lot of time on our hands and we had sex FOUR times in two hours. The fifth time, the little guy wouldn’t step out on the field. I was only 22 when that happened – so I didn’t know any better and I thought my sex life was over. Fortunately I was able to get back on the gridiron the next day – and I can’t tell you how relieved I was!
FBSM though – there’s no pressure to perform – that’s all about laying back and relaxing but, at the same time – you get to experience the soft side of a woman that men crave. Over time, he might feel more at ease and ready to make the jump to the full picture show.
A comment in today’s Independent:
http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/brothels-for-disabled-people-guess-what-we-like-sex-too-8461537.html
Remind me never to read the comment sections on articles like that again…
Yeah, that samorma was a really doctrinaire neo-fem wasn’t she?
“There is no human right to have sex…”
So what is the act of sex then? Submission to the god of your choice? A duty to the state? The race or other preferred subgroup? If not for her other words, one could consider this a very bad formulation of “You don’t have a right to impose sex on another unwilling individual.” But that’s not what she is saying.
“The stupid – It Burns!”
Samorma (but as you pointed out – not the article writer who was talking about something else) is describing the concept of positive rights, where you are entitled to something to the degree that it is justified (according to the idea) to use of force against someone else to give it to you. This is a concept that is enforced legally in many different ways in probably all countries.
Though I admit I’m speculating from her few comments about her politics and philosophy, I suspect she doesn’t object to many, if any, of those kinds of positive rights.
Oh, without a doubt. I have a whole post on why I don’t read comment threads on posts like that. It helps save my sanity. Not that I don’t break my own rule on occasion just to see how choppy the waters are. But usually, I read the article and bounce the fuck out because as c andrew points out below, “The stupid- It Burns!”
Whatever I’ve done to it, Firefox doesn’t indicate that there are comments; but Safari does. Obviously, Firefox doesn’t want me to read below the line, and I can see why.
One thing I would recommend for the guy is to not put all your faith in government appointed experts regarding health. I believe it was back in the 70s when people started thinking that eating fat and cholesterol was unhealthy. It was Senator McGovern who issued the guidelines, against the recommendations of scientists who said they needed more time to complete the research. His excuse was that he wasn’t a scientist, he was a Senator and Senators don’t have time to wait until all the facts are in.
The end result? Most Americans are still overweight and heart attacks are still common. They had to change the name of Adult-onset diabetes to Type-2 diabetes because now children are starting to get it. The common wisdom isn’t working.
What worked for me was switching to a Paleo style diet. Skeptics tend to scoff at it but in essense it takes a naturalistic approach to diet. Pretty much you try to emulate in your diet what pre-agricultural peoples would eat. I was in the military when I adopted it so I was already in pretty good shape, but it did help me reduce and almost eliminate my heartburn and when I go to the bathroom, well, I don’t have any “squirters” anymore, and the, *ahem* “itchyness and irritation” where I wipe is gone too.
Oh, and if you decide to take up running, read up about it at this website:
http://naturalrunningcenter.com/
The principles I learned from this website has kept me injury free ever since.
Spitty, I don’t know you – but I already LOVE you brother! I could have written all that. I eat at least 8-12 eggs every day and laugh my ass off at non-fat and 2% milk!! 😛
I agree with both you and krulac, going paleo/primal is probably one of the biggest improvements this guy could do on his own (i.e. without medication and/or therapy). Let me count the ways:
– Lean beef not only contain necessary proteins, they also include lots of zinc which is a necessary factor in testosterone synthesis.
– Note that testosterone is synthesised from cholesterol (and I do mean cholesterol, not LDL or HDL which are lipoproteins *transporting* cholesterol). Thus animal fat and eggs are vital to a healthy male physique.
– Vitamin D and magnesium are also known to increase testosterone levels.
– By the way, the traditional testosterone increasing food, oysters, may not be a big part of classic paleo diets, but it is certainly not ruled out.
– The other main staple of a primal diet, veggies, also help, especially broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower and brussels sprouts contain Indole-3-carbinol which reduce the breakdown of testosterone into estradiol (a female sex hormone).
– Speaking of which, primal diets tend to promote weight-loss which is good since fat cells synthesise aromatase which is what converts testosterone into estradiol.
– The reduction of excess carbs and artificial pseudo-foods that follows naturally from a primal diet can help reduce a wide variety of health problems (simply because the body is no longer overburdened with garbage handling).
– If he can, he should start some resistance training (weight-lifting for instance) as muscle gain and testosterone (an anabolic steroid) production become a positive spiral. I recommend the Stronglifts 5×5 program (you begin with an empty bar so don’t feel intimidated).
These improvements will also help with self-esteem although professional help with that is still recommended.
Not only does zinc help with the testosterone synthesis, but it also helps with brain function and the healthy operation of the central nervous system. I’m transitioning to the primal diet myself, which is good for women as well for different reasons. 🙂
Oh, sure! I didn’t intend to imply that Paleo/Primal is not good for women, it sure is! (And, since most of your estrogens are *not* created with the help of aromatase, there is no side-effects from eating broccoli etc.)
Also, zinc is certainly involved in lots of other functions. I just focused on the testosterone aspect because the original inquiry specifically mentioned “severely low testosterone”.
Oh I know! 🙂 But that was more for anyone reading who may wonder since there is a lot of misinformation about paleo/primal diets. And I mentioned the zinc with regard to brain function as that could affect mood and self-perception as well.
That’s a good workout – that’s basically the foundation of my workout, though I’ve modified it a bit. Getting into the gym is a great way to improve your self-image and work off some stress.
By the way – ANYONE can do this …
During Christmas holidays I was in the gym when this BEAUTIFUL brunette walked in that I had never seen before. I’m estimating she was 40 years young. I’m serious, I could not take my eyes off her and I was like … “fuck it I don’t care if she notices me looking at her I’ll just tell her I can’t help it.” She was the most gorgeous creature I believe I have ever seen in my life.
Well … she walks over to me and I’m thinking … “Well, she’s gonna chew my ass now for looking at her …” Except she didn’t – she said … “Hey! You look like you know what you’re doing in here and I’m new at this and have a question.”
I laughed and told her … “Well I think that’s bullshit but go ahead and ask me your question.” She says … “Oh no, it’s not bullshit – I really AM new at this. I’m visiting my parents from Florida and I’ve only been working out for a year – in a tiny little gym in Florida, and I used to be 200 pounds.”
200 pounds? I could not imagine that on her luscious frame. No I didn’t hit on her, this girl was so fine – you don’t even think about hitting on her – you just sit there staring, trying to control your drool while thinking … “My God – THERE IS A GOD because it would have taken a God to create this beautiful woman.” God – and a small gym in Florida … LOL!!
Oh yeah – she looked like India Summer and that’s exactly who I thought she was when I saw her initially. I have a “thing” for India Summer. She had bigger boobs than India though – couldn’t tell if they were real or fake – didn’t give a shit really. 😛
Indeed, krulac, anyone can do Stronlifts 5×5. Here is proof: http://stronglifts.com/alan-one-legged-squatter/
I knew that I had heard the name “India Summer” before, and thought that I had probably seen her. But I couldn’t remember for sure, so I looked her up.
YOWZA! Now that is one fine-looking woman!
Maggie,
A truly straightforward AND compassionate answer. Of course, I’m sure that it helped that your correspondent was brutally honest with you (and himself). This is surely a demonstration of Robert Heinlein’s aphorism;
“Whores perform the same function as priests, but far more thoroughly.”
Weird. I used to be in a similar psychological boat. I hated women because I couldn’t get laid and suffered the cruelty of being gossiped about when I tried. Yet, I admired them at the same time. In my case, I don’t have bad health, I’m just socially awkward.
Then I decided to seek the services of whores. Once I accepted that I was only going to have sex with whores, what hatred of women I had left was gone. And, I learned that intimacy can be experienced with whores too.
Now I have come to see whores as sacred and the time I spend with my regulars to be a kind of spiritual experience… yeah, sometimes I question if I have really fallen off my rocker for thinking that.
Not remotely; you’ve just gone stark, raving sane. 🙂
Are you quoting someone else there, or is that your phrase? I want to add it to my personal repertoir and be sure it’s credited correctly.
It’s from the movie poster and trailer of one of my favorite movies, which by a curious coincidence I’ll be talking about this coming Sunday. 😉
I assume you are referring to two minor characters from Hamlet, who happen to be deceased? 😉
Nope; this one was made the same year I was born.
Ok, I’ll have to watch “Lord Love a Duck” then and see if it can reassign ownership of that particular phrase…
My advice is to not read too much into it. Sexual frustration is just like any form of frustration, it’s complicated by the involvement of actual people.
Everybody fantasizes about destroying things that frustrate them, while simultaneously wanting it even more.
We worry far too much about sex in my opinion.
Maggie,
I was reading a Variety review of the upcoming movie, “Don Jon’s Addition” whereby a young “guido” masturbates incessantly and can’t seem to deal with real women. Okay. I get it. This is a way for Hollywood to dance around a sex theme and attract people to the theaters while revealing this apparent new “curse/obsession/affliction” and showing the way to a happy ending. (No, not THAT happy ending!)
Halfway through the review, I read this whopper:
“Perhaps the most amazing thing about “Don Jon’s Addiction” is the fact that Gordon-Levitt could have spun a porn-free version of this love story as an all-audience crowdpleaser, but instead, he opted to engage with what’s shaping up to be a real pandemic, as porn increasingly infects the expectations men put on the opposite sex.”
Pandemic? Really? Are literally legions of young men who can’t look away from their screen while stroking themselves and forgoing relationships of any kind? Have you found wayward youth who are infected by these viral expectations?
I teach at a large university where I interact with many young men and women. They must all be hiding this monster because they seem to be having the same to be having the same problems I had when I was their age.
Is there a “pandemic” going on that no one told me about? Were all my years spent staring at my old man’s nudist magazines really preparing me to put unrealistic expectations on the opposite sex for the rest of my life?
I checked Netflix, and they don’t have Scarlet Road even for the “holding pattern.” However, Whore’s Glory is now OUT of the holding pattern and a part of my way-too-long queue.
Very tentatively, I’d like to offer another perspective.
I am now married with kids and in my forties – but when I was in my teens and early twenties I had bad social anxiety (“shyness” we used to call it, something I hated in myself, but find endearing when I see it today, as a welcome relief from the otherwise unrelenting narciism that surrounds).
I lost my virginity (a drunken fumbling encounter) at 20, and then didn’t have sex again until 25. So far, so conventional for a shy young man. But here is my insight from hindsight: I was rejected, but i was also fussy. If I hadn’t been so fussy, I would have got laid quite a bit. The pattern would be that I would focus on a girl I was attracted to, to the exclusion of others, and get rejected. I would then convince myself that “I always get rejected”. But, at the same time there were various girls of various levels of attractiveness, some chubby, some less than facially perfect, that (with hindsight I new realise) sought me out, wanted to be with me, and would have slept with me I guess.
So here’s where I want to be tentative with respect to this guy (because I know he’s hurting) – but nowadays I want to call “Bullshit” on some frustrated guys, because when you look closely, you’ll find that they are only really interested in girls that are out of their league – the girls that are accessible to them and simply invisible to them, dismissed out of hand as not “counting”. Even with this guy, he is actually saying that he is “above” women that are prostitutes. He is “above” the kind of kinky fantasies that many of us guys wank to and then forget about – hating himself for having such thoughts.
Realism is the first step to ending sexual frustration.
(PS. and i’m not sure that weird and way out fantasies are ONLY the result of sexual frustration – mine fantasies seem to get more bold and kinky the more sex I’m getting!)
With hindsight you can also realize the chances you missed with attractive girls too for all the good it does you. It’s true that players maximize sexual opportunities by casting a wide net, but most guys prefer a more sedate lifestyle, and trying to have a “relationship” with a girl you are repelled by in daylight is not going to work
Don’t know wether they are still at work in the UK, but the TLC trust might prove helpful. See http://www.tlc-trust.org.uk/